I love donor egg...

The parenting, the experience, the whole kitten caboodle.  I know sometimes I have gripes about feeling disconnected from society and from women who conceive with their own eggs.  But I really love where we are, how we got here and that we get to do this again.

I started using a pregnancy app with chat groups recently.  Truth be told I only browse the infertility treatment and the pregnant after IVF/IUI boards.  So I have come across a few women with egg issues considering donor egg.  One I've been emailing back and forth with for a few days.  It has both helped me to remember why we are here and all of the incredible positives that are a part of donor egg.

I love being able to share this rainbow at the end of a storm like infertility and letting women know that it's often successful or at least still gives hope when you think you have none.  That it isn't the end of their dreams but hopefully a great beginning to them.  I love learning about epigenetics and thinking on how I believe it played a part in our girls appearance and development.  I am so grateful that there are women who even think to do such a selfless act to donate eggs to those of us who want the opportunity.  I know some may do it for money but I think the great majority are truly in it for the service because there so much more involved that isn't convenient or fun to do.  I am so grateful that a woman I'll never know and who will never know me made this possible.

I'm grateful to have the girls I do.  I hope I never say anything that lessens their worth to me.  They are everything and more to what I hoped my kids would be like.  And not just with donor egg but my whole life before infertility hit.  They are perfect.  They are so beautiful and so thoughtful and just amazing to watch and learn from.  I think re-entering this experience has taught me even more so to enjoy the blessings I have and the opportunity I am given.

Not So Great Timing...

My best friend suffered a miscarriage at 15 weeks in September of last year.  They knew for several weeks before that the baby was at a high risk for miscarriage or birth defects and at minimum heart problems and surgeries at birth.  They had tests done for chromosome and genetic testing and found out it was a boy and gave him a name.  Unfortunately at a follow up appointment with the specialist the baby didn't have a heart beat.  I had been watching their daughter for them to attend this appointment and was one of the first people to hear the news.  We cried together.  I put a reminder in my phone for her due date.  I wanted to make sure I remembered them and their baby that day.

We had our failed FET cycle the following month in October.  We had started the process before we knew of their loss.  I told her about it just prior to our transfer when the subject of more children came up.  She was one of few people that knew about the cycle and one of the first people I text the news of the negative result.  She was very supportive of us also.  We prepared for another round amid their "waiting" period to be able to try again.  Shortly after our failed cycle her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.  They put all energy and focus on this and said they didn't want to have a pregnancy to worry about on top of this.  Talk about having your plate full.  

Anyway, during this cycle she watched our girls the day we had the transfer since we were still keeping it private from Jeff's family.  She was supportive and would ask how I was feeling.  Even with the positive home tests I wanted to keep it to myself...some normalcy until the blood test result was in.  Then as the reminder for the beta test came up so did my reminder about their due date, which was four days after our beta results.  I felt bad telling her.  She said she was excited for us and was supportive again.  Then we were texting a few days later and she mentioned they should be having a baby this week.  I told her I remembered and how sorry I was.  I told her how I still hoped we would be on the crazy pregnancy train together again (our girls were born two months apart with our first pregnancies) and she said she did too, that they were trying again but this month wasn't the winner.  

Infertility and loss are such a messy place to be.  Just like our pregnancy with the girls I didn't want to share both out of my own fear and out of worry for her feelings.  I guess we were lucky the first time to share the news so close together despite being a couple months apart.  Now all we can do is to keep hoping they will be making an announcement of their own soon.

And despite trying not to be a worry wart you can't really help but be one after the things you read online and from other bloggers, not to mention all of the friends in real life who have had losses and scares.  I really hope that we are blessed with a smooth pregnancy.

Complex Inferiority?

Do you ever feel inferior?  Not even that.  Do you ever feel or think others see you as inferior?  That their children were created so easily or so "normally" or whatever it may be and your children were brought about by so much hard work and fought for with tears and shots, needles and (at least in our case) another woman's eggs.

I've never felt inferior myself.  I have never felt my children are or were.  Not in my eyes.  Not in the eyes of close family that know the details.  But sometimes I wonder just a little if behind closed doors if there is a twinge of people (okay let's face it mainly our close friends...the only people outside of family that know anything about the donor aspect; but also I've been more open about the infertility and IVF that even not so close friends know that part) and sometimes I wonder if these people are thinking "I'm glad he/she is 100% both of us" and "Isn't it awesome that we were able to create this life without all of that technology".  Like when my friend tells the story of her first ob/gyn prenatal appointment she never leaves out the part of the doctor saying "you guys did it all on your own" (a year of trying and then after a few months of Metformin they got lucky) as if it's a huge accomplishment.  Yeah!  Go you!  I'm glad that they didn't have to go through more.  But sometimes I feel cheapened (not exactly the right word but hopefully you get it) by the fact I couldn't do it on my own.  Probably not in a million years.  I'm definitely not hung up on that fact anymore but sometimes I wonder what people really think about infertility and ART treatment and procedures when I'm not there.

Do they feel like they are better than me?  Or their children are?  Do the fertile feel superior to the infertile friends they might have?  Are they simply grateful they weren't in those shoes or are they actually somewhat smug about it?  Or do they not even consider that my story or your story could have been theirs?  Maybe this is just my insecure side thinking and speaking.  I really don't think I'm inferior (if anything I feel a little above equal because we worked for it so hard) and I am beyond blessed to have what I have in my life...no matter what road it took to get us here.  But I sometimes wonder about this kind of thing.

POF pisses me off

Honestly I despise POF (premature ovarian failure; aka POI premature ovarian insufficiency).  I'm not sure if now after having kids if it pisses me off more on the infertility side or the "old lady" factor or the health conscious side or the "what if" side.

I don't even know if we will want to have another child from our totsicles in the future.  We are so incredibly blessed and happy with our two wonderful girls right now.  We'll always be happy with them but I still wonder if I'd like to give it another go around with a singleton and sibling for them.  I'm not so much worried about deciding or discussing.  It would be a while and the snow angels aren't going anywhere.  But some days it bothers me.  Like when friends who had kids just before I got pregnant are now announcing number 2 and I sit and wonder how that would be (to get pregnant on my own...not have #2 obviously hehe).

Sometimes it's simply what I call the "old lady" factor.  I feel old sometimes.  Past my prime.  When other women in my age bracket haven't even hit their prime.  I feel like I am worrying about things that women my age don't even consider (ie heart disease, osteoporosis, etc).  I wonder if I would have more energy or an easier time with my weight or even a better libido.  I worry if I will age faster or get wrinkles sooner or just basically look older than I am.

I have mentioned it before but I'm back working nights in the medical records temporarily as they prepare to move stuff off-site.  The other night I was sorting radiology files and again found myself comparing my ovary measurement (from 2007) with the women I saw there.  The young women were hitting multiple times my 1cc volume ovary measurement (some obviously with cystic issues in the opposite direction of the problem I have).  But then I beat out a 54 year old lady who had both ovaries measuring in under 1 cc.  Of course one of mine wasn't even visible for the ultrasound so there I go again a 54 year old technically functioning better then I was at 27 years old.  Heaven knows I've only declined even more since then.

I don't miss my genetic children.  I used to.  But there a no longer "what if" questions in the realm at all.  I really wouldn't trade my girls for the world when it comes to that.  It's just all the other darn stuff that POF comes with.  Why can't it just be one or the other instead of all of these other issues on top of infertility.  All I can say is grrrrrrrrrrr!

Thoughts on IVF and ART (resources)...

In regards to disclosure:
I have definitely discovered in talking more about infertility in my real life that there are many people I know who have some infertility issues themselves.  I don't discuss the donor side of things due to my personal thoughts on that related to the girls but I make it no secret that IVF was a part of them getting here.  Heck even when strangers ask me "were they a surprise?" or "what side of the family do twins run on?" I tell them "nope they weren't.  We had some help" and if it goes further (it usually doesn't) I tell them it was IVF. 

This happened over the past weekend.  I went to a baby shower with my good friend L and the twins stayed home with Jeff.  L likes to bring up to people that I have twins when they aren't in tow.  I guess so I don't feel child-less or something when others bring their babies or talk baby.  It doesn't bother me (her mentioning it).  Anyway this shower was primarily people I didn't know with the exception of L and the mom-to-be.  L brought up the twins and one of the older ladies said something like "I bet that was surprise".  I said that it wasn't and that we had some help to which she gave a somewhat blank look so I added it was through in-vitro (ie IVF).  Nothing more was really said other than how much work and how much fun it must be. Afterward L said she really was surprised and kind of thought I put myself out there for discussion (not that this was bad thing just I think she is a little protective in her eyes).  She said that these people were so wrapped up in themselves though that nobody really cared to ask more.  I didn't really think of it that way, although it could've been true.  Honestly IVF and ART are so common place these days that I don't think most people bat an eyelash when they are mentioned.  

IVF and ART in general: 

Although common I also believe IVF and ART methods are grossly misunderstood or uneducated on.  Unless you've been there you don't really know what goes into it.  But of course most people also know not to ask such personal questions beyond those above or similar ones.  

Sadly most people don't understand what assistance can be given prior to the "last resort" of IVF either.  A family member has gradually been asking me more and more about our path to children.  Nothing in depth really but more in regards to the possible success of it and the cost of it.  I had an idea he was considering this as an option for he and his wife.  He brought it up in that way the last time we talked and I asked if they had done any testing yet (it didn't sound like it) and suggested there were also other things to be done before IVF was considered generally.  It sounded like this actually surprised him.  Which surprised me.  I assumed that most people even considering IVF had pursued or at least were aware of other less expensive options first.  Of course I also assumed that when others pursued IVF that they were aware of national success rates of clinics being available and posted (I also discovered this assumption was incorrect when my best friend from high school told me their first clinic was one that doesn't report to the CDC or SART  (not sure why) but it was the only one they knew of; when my friend's first IVF attempt with this clinic failed they were told they had 0% chance of conceiving.  They have since gone on to get pregnant with twins twice and have 3 living children and 1 angel through IVF with ICSI ; bite it crappy clinic).  Seriously??  I just feel like the medical community or the basic educational system is doing a great disservice to infertile couples.  How can doctors diagnose a problem like infertility and then leave their patients to flounder in a diagnosis they don't know how to deal with or which routes are available to them.  Why are the resources and information not given to people dealing with this?  

When I was officially diagnosed with POF/POI by my ob/gyn I had only been married for a little over a month.  But my doctor (bless her) suggested clinics in the area that could help us if we did decide to pursue things.  She recommended one based on her own experience.  So thank goodness I went to someone who had an idea of what it was like to go through infertility and what resources I might need.  I had to research and find a POF/POI support group and here, a PVED support group (I hope it's still at this address...I know there have been some changes) and SART and clinic success rate sites myself but at least I was given a stepping stone for hope.  It just infuriates me that some are not and don't know what is available, both for treatment of infertility and treatment of health and mental health problems that infertility can cause. 

Goodness that turned into a tangent....ooooops (kind of).  Anyway the point I am getting at is that IVF and ART are not things to be ashamed of in most circles and that when we keep being ashamed of them it just adds to that taboo (I was nervous and a little embarrassed to talk about them at first).  And that we need to empower ourselves, others and expect the medical community to empower us also when it comes to infertility.

Myth Busted: Won't it be weird...

Won't it be weird to carry and have a child who isn't genetically yours?  Okay so I've probably read or seen this online more then I've actually heard it myself.  Part of that is probably due to the fact the donor egg aspect of my children's make up isn't something I openly discuss with everyone.  Even some of those that we have been open with don't necessarily understand the depth of my diagnosis and what was required for me to get pregnant.  I don't openly discuss this with a lot of people due to the fact I feel it isn't my information to share.  I believe that these girls should have an understanding of how they came to be before anyone else.  Yes we have talked to some immediate family about it...after all we don't want the girls to say something about it to grandma or grandpa and then feel it is "shocking" or "shameful" news based on the reaction of someone who was uninformed.  We want them to have a support to understand it's totally okay and normal.

But anyway I lose my train of thought.  Was it weird to carry these kiddos who are genetically unrelated to me?  Heavens no.  Pregnancy was weird in itself sometimes...realizing a human being (or two in this case) were growing inside me.  Yah that part was sometimes mind boggling.  But that was the only thing I ever considered strange.  Perhaps my pregnancy was different in that I don't remember thinking very often, "I wonder what they'll look like".  I felt like I had no idea.  I hoped that they would look like Jeff somewhat and I was excited about the mysterious part of them I didn't know.

Is it weird caring for and raising our kids?  (yes...our kids...not Jeff's or someone else's...they are 100% ours).  I couldn't imagine anything more natural about caring for, raising and loving my babies.  Kendall and Seren are  the second best thing to ever happen to me.  The first being that I met and married my best friend who has taken every step of this journey with me.  I look at them and see myself.  That probably sounds silly to some. I don't see my physical self.  But I see my nurturing self...the part that will undoubtedly have an impact on who they become also.  I feel like the way we raise them and teach them is the way we pass on what truly matters...not their eye/hair color, smiles and other traits.

Myth Busted: You were meant to go through this

Why do people think this is a supportive statement??  If I could say one thing to people who are trying to be supportive it would be:  Don't try to "fix" the problem.  Just express that you are sorry that person is facing such a thing and offer support.  I honestly think this would apply to many of life's crisis too.  I have no idea why people find it necessary to try to solve things that they can't.  It hurts to see someone you love hurting...yes.  It's uncomfortable at times to see them struggle...yes.  But do you have a magic wand or word that makes it go away...no.

For me this is not and was not helpful to hear.  Maybe for some it is.  I suppose maybe a better thing to say or do is just say you are sorry and ask what they need (to hear, to do, etc).  But for me I can't tell you the times I've been told that "God chose you to go through this because He knew you could do it" (they couldn't?) or "You are the type of person who was meant for this trial.  You would love a child any way it came to you" (they wouldn't?) or "He gives us trials to make us stronger and never gives us more then we can handle" (am I that weak to begin with?).  Truthfully living in a culture where religion is spliced together with every hardship you ever face was not helpful to me at the time.  Quite frankly I was already on bad enough terms with my maker after being diagnosed infertile that to hear people tell me He "chose" me for this grief really just made it worse.  Needless to say I wasn't really on speaking terms with God for some time and even now I'm just beginning to rebuild that relationship.

I have been blessed in the end.  My marriage was strengthened.  My appreciation of my babies is greater (and I love who they are and realize they wouldn't be if it weren't for the direction life took).  I did discover some inner strength.  I've been able to support others going through similar circumstance (trust me I've never told them they were "chosen" for it).  In general I've realized what a blessing children and family are and to truly empathize with those struggling to get there.  But I don't think that means I was "chosen" for this path.  We took a road less traveled and made the best of it we could.

I still don't think we are "chosen" for certain trials.  I think our lives are meant to follow a pattern of some sort I suppose but to say a higher power would purposefully put me through something like this makes me picture someone who is not how I picture Him to be.  Who knows, maybe I'll be proven wrong on the other side.

 Of course now in my thinking too I realize that there are things we can't prevent from happening to our children.  We try to protect them and guide them but sometimes bad things just happen.  Our purpose is to stand as a solid foundation and comfort to them when it does.  I suppose this is how I think of God.  He doesn't pick and choose my trials for me.  Sometimes they just happen.
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This post is in response to National Infertility Awareness Week.  Resolve has challenged bloggers to Bust a Myth regarding infertility.  Bring awareness of infertility by busting a myth yourself. 

Myth Busted: Doesn't insurance cover that?

This was my own thought originally.  My ovaries were shutting down and causing other health risks (osteoporosis, heart disease, etc)...so that was obviously a health problem.  Insurance covered health problems right?  So yes...insurance helped with HRT (hormone replacement) and doctor's visits.  I don't know if they would have covered my DEXA scan and other tests that were done at the NIH in Maryland.  My doctor didn't want me to have DEXA scan done and said it wasn't something to worry about.  Hello...you're a doctor and osteoporosis is one of the main concerns with POF...how can you say that's not something to worry about?

So...when I went into researching the coverage I had for infertility treatment I was shocked.  I was annoyed.  My insurance, which was considered to be one of the best offered in my state, covered nothing.  I don't even know if it covered blood tests or ultrasounds because they would be related to infertility treatment.  I looked up more information about insurance covering this anywhere.  There were only a few states that mandated it to be covered.  Imagine a state having to require it by law to be covered?  Makes you feel loved by your insurance company doesn't it.  Insurance companies really bite it sometimes.  I made a comparison in my mind that they covered other life changing or challenging events...heart problems, cancer, diabetes and a number of others.  The treatment of these was not 100% guaranteed to work either.  And yes I realized that these conditions threatened physical life...the ability to go on living.  But at the time it felt like my infertility (such a definitive diagnosis..."never have kids on your own") could have the same effect on me.  It caused me to be in a pretty dark place and a great deal depressed for some time.  But guess what?  Insurance covers mental therapy.  I didn't quite get to the level that I took advantage of that...sometimes I think I should have but I was stubborn.  Basically if you find yourself infertile, plan on lots of therapy to get a bang for your buck but don't plan on any coverage to get you knocked up.

People don't understand the cost that can go into infertility treatment either.  They know it's "not cheap" but they don't really know the price tag.  The fertile have never had to worry about such things are IUIs, IVF, DE, ART, ICSI, SA, 3 day vs 5 day transfers, etc etc.  I doubt most of them even know what those acronyms mean.  I wouldn't either...if I didn't have to live with some of them.  And each one of those acronyms comes with a price tag.  How far you go up on the scale depends on what your individual issues may be.

Adoption has some insurance coverage typically it seems.  But adoption is not necessarily any cheaper or guaranteed.  Some people sit on adoption waiting lists for years while birth mothers look at their profiles and move onto the next.  Or have been waiting on a country to finalize an adoption when for whatever reason the borders are closed or the process is denied or frozen indefinitely.  Many are victims of fraud from horrible people who would scam them out of not only their money but their dreams of being a parent.

The sad thing to me is that Resolve states that according to many studies offering comprehensive infertility coverage to an insurance package can actually reduce cost and premium for those that pay into the pot.  Take that one to the bank insurance companies and insured people...literally.

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This post is in response to National Infertility Awareness Week.  Resolve has challenged bloggers to Bust a Myth regarding infertility.  Bring awareness of infertility by busting a myth yourself. 

Myth Busted: It's no different then saving for...

After I was officially diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure/Insufficiency (POF/POI) a little over a month after being married, the hubs and I began saving for what we felt was inevitable...the cost of DE IVF or adoption.   At the time we weren't 100% sure which route we would take but we knew neither one were going to be cheap.  We still "tried" even though so early in marriage neither of us really wanted to have a baby but we knew it would be a literal miracle if it happened so it wasn't so worrisome.

A little over a year of saving (including contributing my 401Ks to the pot, my annual leave pay out from my CPS job I quit, some of the money from hubby's condo he sold so we could make a down payment on our house, donations from my parents, etc etc) I was talking to my good friend about the cost of infertility treatment (over instant message...thank goodness).  She asked how much it would be and when I told her she said how it would be worth it.  Yes of course it would I agreed (if it worked).  She then compared it to saving and spending money on her house remodel.  She said they had put in $10,000 so far on carpet, siding and various projects.  I laughed to myself...uhhhhhh not at all the same (considering that was half of what we expected to spend).  Instead I told her "Yah except when you pay Lowe's you are 100% guaranteed to get what you paid for".  I couldn't believe what came out of her next "Not really."  What?  Was she seriously arguing that a retailer would give you the same "chance" of not providing what you paid for that ART treatments come with?  Yep she was.  I again said I didn't think a retailer would stay in business if that were true.  She again argued that "it could happen".  HA!! Oh I wanted to smack her.  When it become pretty obvious that she was serious and didn't see how these two grand expenditures were not at all alike I became more upset.  I had to shut down the messenger and walk away before I said something I knew I'd probably regret.  I felt she was not being supportive and trying to minimize my worry.  I didn't expect her to pity me or commend me but I didn't expect her to trivialize something that came with a 40% failure rate.  

Saving for ART treatment (for me...for us) was like putting away money that we would rather have used for other things...like house remodeling, down payments, vacations and a dozen other things.  Things that in my opinion are 100% guaranteed.  It was like putting all our eggs in one basket.  A basket with a decent sized hole in the bottom that everything could fall through.  It was saving for a dream.  Yes we realized it was all worth it...even if it failed at least we had tried.  Yes we realized the risk when we went into saving.  But I think we also both knew that if we left things to chance or out of our control that they would always be that way.  So there was no comparison and no similar thing most people could compare it too.  I imagine now that there are worse things to throw your money at...gambling, lottery tickets, etc.  You know...things with an even lower chance of "winning".  We threw in our ticket though and now with two beautiful girls in our lives...we have won the ultimate lottery.

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This post is in response to National Infertility Awareness Week.  Resolve has challenged bloggers to Bust a Myth regarding infertility.  I am making it my goal to Bust a Myth every day this week and bring awareness of infertility's challenges to those around me.  

Woes of the fertile...

*warning: I may sound like an ungrateful infertile lady here but don't want to censor what I think either*

Why do the fertile find it necessary to tell the infertile about it?  Okay no I don't want to say you have to pick and choose your topics of conversation around me.  But really?  I have a friend that has two kids already and apparently went through an ectopic pregnancy recently.  She proceeded to tell me about it online through chat.  I felt like I was talked down to (i.e. "ectopic is a tubal pregnancy in case you didn't know") and then she treated it like it was a full blown miscarriage (she hadn't even gotten a positive pregnancy test).  She wasn't even far along enough for it to damage her tubes, which is what I thought all the fuss and drama was about.  I would've actually felt she had the right to feel how she did and felt more sorry for her if she'd lost a tube.  But I'm sorry...call me a self-centered biotch...but an ectopic pregnancy that isn't even far enough along to damage a tube doesn't even cross the line I would draw for it being a baby yet.  Which is how she treated it..."they had to take the baby" and as if her hormones were out of whack and she had "baby blues" because of this.  I don't know.  I guess I should be grateful I don't have to worry about having a tubal or a miscarriage (most likely) but dang gina can we lay off the dramatics for this kind of thing when you're telling a friend that you very well know can never have a kid on her own.  It's not the end of the world.  And yes you are as you say "young and still want more kids" but you know what (even though I have two beautiful girls now)...maybe I did too or would like to at least feel it was my choice.

Family of Four...

We are enjoying our little family of four.  It is interesting and definitely a world of difference when we are home at night.  We don't get out much I'm afraid.  Hopefully when the weather warms up more that will change.  I am so looking forward to spring and summer.  It's a nice day today and I'm pondering taking the girls out with me but they are sleeping and I don't want to throw them in their car seats just to go for a walk right now.  I do love the new stroller we got though (baby trend double snap and go) is going to be a huge investment I think.  And $75 is actually not bad for the purpose it'll serve...plus I plan to turn around and sell it second-hand when we're done with it.  I've gotten a number of things online for the girls lately (books, booster/high chairs and a play mat/gym).  I'm excited to try out the chairs and the mat.

The girls are getting bigger.  They both have double chins now and chubby cheeks.  So cute.  I'm guessing they are around 7 lbs or so each.  They are following us more with their eyes now and like to grab fingers (and hair...ouch) with their hands when we hold them.  We are just waiting for a real purposeful social smile still...they smile sometimes where it doesn't seem to be related to gas but they haven't started smiling back at us just yet.

As to my donor egg feelings...

I wanted to address this also for anyone considering donor egg or wondering how it may be to go this route. I worried a little during my pregnancy that I would feel inadequate or annoyed or many other things with people talking about the girls and who they might look like or such things. Interestingly enough the two people who have commented on this aspect (Lisa's husband James and my Aunt) both were aware of the donor egg aspect...not sure they really understand it though. James said he thought Seren looked like me while they were up to visit at the hospital (no biggie and I just smiled and said "you think so?") and then my Aunt was sitting with us at home and started talking about how she was just trying to figure out who the girls looked like. I didn't bring up the donor egg aspect again with her...if she doesn't remember the details or understand it more then regular IVF I am okay with that (especially after the last time of her telling other family members about my health that I didn't want to know). But yah it doesn't bother me at all to have people say things like this. I think both girls are distinctive to themselves in looks. I would say that Kendall looks a little like Jeff and his family (but not even strongly there)...the nurse staff, my mom and I seem to think Kendall might have a little bit of red hair (never saw that happening...even though red hair runs in Jeff's family and mine a little too...so people were always saying we had a good chance of a little red-head). Sometimes I even strangely think Kendall might look a little like my family babies do. Both Kendall and Seren have long slender fingers and some similarities to each other. I thought at first they were very different in appearance but now I think they are starting to look more alike (like siblings only of course hehe). Seren is my little button nosed baby. I love how her little nose gives her character and how she is so facially expressive it seems. They have these facial expressions that I just love. I still believe both girls will end up with brown eyes but I may surprised there too. Jeff has hazel eyes and the donor had brown eyes with very little recessive blue eyes in her family. I would say that I have grown comfortable with the idea of the girls not looking like me and just being curious with how their appearance will change and how they will grow into themselves. I love them for the world and wouldn't change how they looked for a minute.

I feel no regrets or weird feelings about how we started our family. I worried a little with my non-emotional or crying reaction at their being born that something might be off. But with each passing day and hour spent with them I feel closer to them and more bonded. I sit there when changing and feeding them sometimes and think of how perfect they are and how much I love them already and just tear up or cry. Maybe I'm hormonal hehe but I know that can't be the whole reason. I know that love will just continue to grow too and become incomprehensible to how much I can love them.

The only concerns I feel like I have with things is with my POF and how this might affect breast milk supply and things of that nature. I had what I felt was a good first and second pump (1 1/2 oz...one breast as Seren nurses while I pump the opposite breast to supplement Kendall with) but then it went down to less then an ounce and barely an ounce. I was frustrated and worried. I think though that a lot of this had to do with my crazed nesting upon coming home, my exhaustion and just emotional drop with hormones and worrying about it. I've been trying to be less obsessed with it and just making sure I eat and drink enough and this morning I had a 2 1/2 oz pump (yeah!!). I'm also ordering different/bigger breast shield size (this is supposed to help as I am bigger then the average breast). So I think it will get better.

What's with all the excitement...

I don't know if it's just me or it just hasn't sunk in yet. I feel excited to myself and with Jeff sometimes but in general I'm not all that excited or eager to share our news. I still don't even really feel pregnant for the most part. I haven't been sick (thank goodness) and I haven't been really hungry or tired. Basically life hasn't really changed. Don't get me wrong I'm still known to frequent our online newspaper for baby stuff (primarily looking at cribs). But in general I keep it to myself.

Part of me thinks it is because we are having twins and I know that with twins there will be more questions and possible assumptions made. I'm not really sure how to answer questions. I'm fine with people knowing or thinking we had some help...but I don't know if I should be forthcoming with that or wait til they ask. I'm not fine with telling everyone the donor aspect. I don't really think that's my information to share and I think that the kiddos should know and understand this more before I share it. I guess I still just want time to adjust to it and think things through before I go spilling things.

I worry about hurting feelings too. I think that is the part of infertility and pregnancy that I didn't know would come together so much. I don't have a desire to blab on Facebook (maybe pictures when they are born) but no status updates or such. I don't really care to go around announcing it to all my friends. I really just want to tell family and close friends. And as for close friends I'm still nervous to tell one but know that I will need to soon before I start showing. I haven't even told my siblings. Man and here I thought I was going to be a bragger HAHA...shows you how much I knew.

I am excited and I'm very grateful and I do look forward to the rest of the pregnancy and parenthood. But right now I'm just enjoying having this be something that isn't wide spread news. We'll see how long that lasts.

Guilt and glee...

How do these two mix together? Well you put someone in my shoes, about to officially find out whether our first DE IVF worked, and a good friend of mine, beginning down the path of infertility, together. Not only do you put them together but you put them together with Mother's Day on the horizon. I remember the first Mother's Day after my POI diagnosis and being depressed and wanting to cry. I thought I would never be a mother and I had no idea how I'd ever get there if I were going to. Jeff bought me a "I love my wife" type card and a necklace and said it was because I would be a great mom someday. I never told him but I didn't like the sentiment at the time and I told myself I didn't want to wear the necklace unless I actually became a mom someday. I remember he mentioned the thoughtful gift at the family dinner for his mom and I felt ridiculous...someone without a child, pregnancy or anything on the horizon being thought of. I share this story because I remember very well what it's like to be there and not look on Mother's Day as one that I'll ever celebrate anytime soon. I still don't feel like I'll celebrate it too much this year either...I'd rather wait on certainty then celebrate early.

But now I feel both guilty and gleeful. I'm happy that Jeff and I have possibly started our family and that things could be going our way. But I feel guilty because I know how my friend must feel. In fact I just read on her blog tonight about how she's been having a hard time with Mother's Day coming up and still not being a mom...I imagine this is the first one that she has had to deal with in that type of infertility perspective. I know it sucks. I hate that it sucks. And I keep thinking and praying that she will be pregnant before I have to say anything about our situation. I don't want to be the one that makes things worse. I don't want her to be upset or angry or disappointed. I have had difficult feelings in the past with regards to her and my infertility but now all I can think and feel is that I want her to be a mom. I want her to have everything she desires. I don't want to be the one that makes her feel like I did when my roommates and friends announced pregnancies over the last 2 1/2 years. I have no idea how I'll ever have the courage to talk to her if good things don't come her way first.

I wonder if I'll feel normal...

Tomorrow I boost up my estrogen dose. I've told Jeff that I wonder how I will feel. It will be interesting to see if I feel any different. I haven't had "high" estrogen levels (that I know of) in over two years. I say that I know of because there have been times where my body does things that it shouldn't and it makes me wonder if it's working a little. I'll take extra estrogen for a week and then on the 19th we go for a lining check and instruction on PIO injections. I've told myself that with all the minor spotting I have had the last couple months that I may ask Dr. G to check on my ovaries just so I know they are still raisins so I won't worry about it. I've heard from other POF/POI girls that the extra estrogen is great and makes you feel good so I'm hoping it will.

Things definitely don't seem real still. We were thinking of things we could do or get for the donor and I came to the idea that a gift card for a massage would be cool. Then when we asked Nurse G about it we found out the donor is doing one more cycle after ours and then will be moving out of state. It was weird and kind of disappointing to hear. It makes me just really hope everything works as perfectly as possible with this. Like I don't really like the idea of using more then one donor cause I would like any possible kids to at least have the same DNA even if it's not mine. But Nurse G did say that they will still have contact information for the donor if any problems were to come up so who knows.

I also went and visited with my best bud from high school who recently had her second set of twins from IVF. She and her hubby have had a rough go of things and it is so nice to see her with her family and appreciation of it. She is the only person I know in person who seems to understand it at all (maybe not the donor part which is a whole different level) but everything else and beyond (they lost their baby boy from their first set of twins). It is such a blessing to have her to talk to and relate with. She is the only one in our personal lives outside of Jeff and I that knows the timing of things with this cycle. It was fun to see her and her boys and daughter. Although hearing stories of and watching her take care of the twins made me a little more leery of the idea of twins. Either way would be a blessing but after today I found myself just hoping for just one. I really just hope it works. I feel like I have shut myself off still at this point to the idea of either outcome, almost like I am just make believing we're doing things but that it's not real. I hope when reality hits that it's a nice place to be.

How to Deal...

Lately I wonder about two things: how I will deal with it if my close friend gets pregnant before me (and especially if I don't) and how I will deal with it if I get pregnant before her. This is my friend who is dealing with PCOS. I know, basically by matter of she told me a while back, that she would stop the birth control pills at the end of January. So I'm sure at this point they are trying again. I have no idea if the new medication she's taking is helping. I don't have the guts or heart to ask her. I don't want to be nosey either...heaven knows having seen this side of things "when are you going to have kids?" is the last question I want to ask. But I worry about this a little. I think I would take her announcing a pregnancy okay if it were before our chance comes but I think I would be devastated inside if things didn't work and I knew it would be a while before we had another chance. I hope I could outwardly be excited and happy for her but I know it would be very hard. I also think about the possible scenario of me getting pregnant before her. I wonder if she would be happy for us or if she would be upset because of her struggle so far...despite Jeff and I being on this road longer. I wouldn't blame her for being upset and when I think of the possible positive for us I also think of how I would tell her. It's ridiculous but sometimes I worry that she would openly say something about the unfairness or such...I don't know how I could handle being her friend if she couldn't be happy for me eventually. Oh well...it's a ways off yet and there's no sense in worrying over milk that hasn't even spilt.

Holiday Bah-hum-bug

I have to say that between being away from my parents and all the wanting-a-kid-that-I-can't-have right now and then not knowing if this time next year will be the same way or the year after that too and so on...I'm not a big fan of the holidays. It isn't as bad as it could be...it can always be worse right? I have a loving husband, a dog who is spoiled rotten and family who cares and that I can count on. Lately I just feel more like there is that missing piece and that I want more. I don't have crazy envy of those with children like I did the Christmas right after being diagnosed (man that was depressing). I just have anxiety. I worry that it will never happen, I worry about the possibility of it happening, I worry that I'll get my hopes up and they'll be deflated all over again.

The holidays and especially Christmas have so much to do with family and kids. I can completely see why it would be hard to go through the holidays without all of that in tow. I get the question of having kids more often lately. I guess after two years of marriage it's pretty common and harder (at least in LDS/Mormon culture) to pawn off on enjoying married life still, although I am. I also just have the feeling that those who aren't asking are assuming that something isn't right. I don't know which is worse being asked and able to throw out my defense mechanism answers of "oh goodness not yet" or "I want to finish school and get a real job first" or just being ignored altogether when it comes to the topic.

I'm also not really into the church related side of the holidays so much either. I believe in God and I believe in a plan to life and an afterlife and being with family and loved ones. But I don't want to be around those that just take it all for granted. I don't want to hear the lessons and lectures about family and how it's such a blessing. If it's such a blessing then does that mean Jeff and I have been cursed because we can't? If we're given trials to help us grow then why do I feel like, at least when it comes to church, that I have digressed so much? I don't know. I think it's good that we're taking time to figure this out and that I don't feel the pressure that I did to "have a family" and "being a mother is your most important role and calling" kind of thing that it felt like before. I hope it gets better eventually but right now I think I am fine giving God the silent treatment and I believe that if He loves us unconditionally and knows everything the way they say He does that He understands how we feel and still loves us and will be there when we want to talk again.

Karma and Misfortune

I don't know if I really believe in karma and I don't really believe that this is a case of karma but more of misfortune. Misfortune and odds. After all I know far too many women who seem to get pregnant easily to not know more women who don't. It was bound to happen right?

A good friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) recently began asking me more about how I came to be diagnosed with POF...what tests they did and what else they thought it might be. I of course became curious why they were asking and came to find out they had been trying to get pregnant and that she had missed periods without the happy following of a positive pregnancy test. I explained the rarity of POF and the other possible outcomes this might be. I did my best to be supportive while in my head this little voice said "karma's a bitch". I'm sure this friend had tried be supportive with my POF diagnosis but I always felt belittled and diminished when I talked about it with her. After all according to her it was worse to have bad in-laws than infertility and remodeling often came with a 50-60% risk of not getting what you paid for. I'm sure it was just a hopeful way to relate to me and a miserable attempt at showing empathy when all I really wanted to hear was "I'm sorry" or "That sucks". I don't remember hearing those the first time around...maybe because the hurtful things stick out so well in my memory. But as we talked about the possibilities and her feelings towards it I heard "I'm sorry you had to go through this"(even with that I laughed a little inside thinking "uh yah...STILL going through it"). But it still felt strangely healing. Healing for me to hear and to actually feel understood a little by her. This wasn't some small little thing in one's life. It wasn't comparable to other things and it wasn't a bid for competition or attention. It sucked! It hurt! It wasn't easy.

She had an appointment a couple weeks later and some blood work results a week or so after that. Come to find out she has PCOS and will be going on some medication to help regulate things. I've heard very hopeful things about this medication and of it fixing things and working relatively quickly. So come January when she's off the birth control again (used to regulate her body) I imagine that she will be coming out with some "happy news". I will be happy for her (I hope) but I wonder if the understanding will remain or if it will be back to minimizing or trying to debunk the worries that I have. I imagine that I will just continue to refrain from talking to her about my POF issues due to the feelings of dislike and anger that her resulting comments usually instill in me.

My Life is a Monet

I think in analogies a lot it seems. I have emailed a fellow POFer and good friend, J, for over a year now. We sometimes talk about how messy and crazy POF can be and how it makes your life feel out of sorts, maddening, saddening and totally unpredictable. We also often hope together. Hope for the luck and blessing to have a family, hope for better health and understanding and outcomes of POF and hope for things to turn out in general. We talk about how someday we'll look back at the hardship of it all and be completely grateful and see the beauty of how it turned out. I told her the other day that our lives are like Monet's (coming from the movie Clueless). They are kind of messy and not always pretty close up but when you look back on them or have some distance between yourself and the mess then it can be beautiful. I hope I can look back at the "art" of life in the long run.

My greatest blessing...

My greatest blessing right now is Jeff. Having a husband who supports me no matter what and never complains is the biggest blessing. He doesn't complain about the fact that money is tighter now with me going back to school and that we can't afford things like we did before. He doesn't complain that my time is spent with work and school for the most part. He is just always very supportive and patient with me. I love him so much and I'm so grateful to have him in my life. We talked a while back about how things were and we were with POI before we got married. He told me that when he was thinking about marrying me that he thought of how POI could mean we might never have kids AT ALL (on our own or with DE IVF or adoption). He wanted to be with me despite all of that. How many women can be ironically "lucky" enough to know that...that their husband loved them enough even faced with that type of possibility that they still stuck by their side. I love Jeff so much and I'm so grateful that we're in this life together!!