I love donor egg...

The parenting, the experience, the whole kitten caboodle.  I know sometimes I have gripes about feeling disconnected from society and from women who conceive with their own eggs.  But I really love where we are, how we got here and that we get to do this again.

I started using a pregnancy app with chat groups recently.  Truth be told I only browse the infertility treatment and the pregnant after IVF/IUI boards.  So I have come across a few women with egg issues considering donor egg.  One I've been emailing back and forth with for a few days.  It has both helped me to remember why we are here and all of the incredible positives that are a part of donor egg.

I love being able to share this rainbow at the end of a storm like infertility and letting women know that it's often successful or at least still gives hope when you think you have none.  That it isn't the end of their dreams but hopefully a great beginning to them.  I love learning about epigenetics and thinking on how I believe it played a part in our girls appearance and development.  I am so grateful that there are women who even think to do such a selfless act to donate eggs to those of us who want the opportunity.  I know some may do it for money but I think the great majority are truly in it for the service because there so much more involved that isn't convenient or fun to do.  I am so grateful that a woman I'll never know and who will never know me made this possible.

I'm grateful to have the girls I do.  I hope I never say anything that lessens their worth to me.  They are everything and more to what I hoped my kids would be like.  And not just with donor egg but my whole life before infertility hit.  They are perfect.  They are so beautiful and so thoughtful and just amazing to watch and learn from.  I think re-entering this experience has taught me even more so to enjoy the blessings I have and the opportunity I am given.

Love My Girls...

They are the best.  They have really come into their own with vocabulary and speech.  I love to hear them talk.  I love to listen to the sweet things they say.  We were going to split up yesterday and Jeff was going to take them to play at the indoor playground while I went grocery shopping.  Instead both girls kept saying "come with us mommy" and Seren pouted saying "I won't leave you.  I promise" and other such sweet things that made it impossible to not join them.  Our fridge is suffering today but it was worth it.

Kendall says the funniest things.  I wish I could remember them all.  Her favorite expression is "oh my goodness" with a little sigh.  She picks up on things I wish she didn't as well.  I am learning to watch my expressions even if they aren't exactly curse words.

My favorite thing with Seren lately is calling Kendall "my friend Kendall".  She'll ask "where's my friend Kendall".  I love that sister is the secondary label for Kendall and that friend comes first.  Hope it stays that way for a while.

Blah-Like Thoughts...

I always think about it.  The money aspect.  The money that goes into trying.  Money for drugs.  Money for appointments, ultrasounds, procedures, etc etc.  It seems like there is just one big hole sometimes.  Granted the first $22,000 brought us blessings beyond measure and to a point where we can take less expensive chances.  But it still makes my head spin when I realize that other couples don't spend anything in the process of creating their families.  Not with infertility though.  So expensive.  And yet I feel like I shouldn't complain too.  I know of so many who spend so much more with nothing to show for it.  I feel lucky that we were doing well enough with our finances to have taken our first chance with success.  I suppose the frozen cycles have been harder different to plan for as we have tried to pull money together more quickly.  This has left us saying "well we still have less debt than a lot of people" and hoping that it's worth it.   But I always find myself thinking about the other things the money could be used for.  Like today as I cleaned house I thought of how it would be nice to have new carpet to get rid of stains and wear or to finish our basement but nope that will have to wait.  Heck I'd settle for just having some money in our savings for a rainy day.  But I guess this is our "rainy day".  A few more weeks and we'll know if its a monsoon or a sprinkle.

It may seem horrible of me too but I've been noticing more articles that bother me about pregnancy and parenting the old fashioned way.  Things like you both love each other so much that you want to create this child who is a perfect blend of both of you.  That you see your chin, nose or even features that you never liked about yourself in a child and all the sudden you love that feature.  I guess for some stupid sub-conscious reason it feels like these people just maybe experience a deeper connection to their children than I have with my own.  Like I said silly and probably selfish train of thought that has followed reading these things.  I know I'm not missing anything in reality.  I know a greater love for my girls than I ever really hope to understand.  But the feeling and thought still happens like a tiny little pin prick in my mind or heart.  I don't really miss them looking like me.  I don't notice them looking like anyone in particular most of the time even though Kendall very strongly resembles my husband.  I know they both pick up on my idiosyncrasies and way of thinking/being and that how I parent them is shaping the very most important part of their being.  But the little twinge still sometimes comes up.  I didn't think it would again.  And although it's still very rarely it bugs me that I even give it a minute of my thought.  I imagine it's primarily due to the pursuit of another munchkin and revisiting all of my health issues that make our conception story so unique.  I know it's not a short coming on their part or my own and I'm sure there are other sides of the coin to worry about when you find yourself with a mini-me to parent.  I hope to and imagine that if we are successful that the thoughts will again fade into the background.  And if we aren't I know that it will be in the far reaches of mind again.  And leave no doubt, I am still very much wanting another sweet baby who will be as much a part of my heart and soul as my sweet girls are.

Prep Work...

We have been prepping for the holidays (a little).  I'm very much a Thanksgiving comes before Christmas kind of gal.  But seeing as how it usually snows or gets icy before Thanksgiving in my great state we took after our neighbors cue and put lights up on the roof last weekend.  We were going to finish this weekend but weather today disagrees.  The girls loved the lights though for the few minutes they saw them.  Jeff was up on the roof and I brought them out to watch him.  Seren kept yelling very sternly "Daddy get off my house.  Get down right now" and Kendall would say "Daddy what you doing?" but generally was looking at other things outside and trying to find the moon (she loves spotting the moon).  We turned on the lights for a few minutes to see how they looked.  The girls ooh'd and awe'd like we had paid them.  They were so excited and have continually asked to turn them on again ever since.  Makes me excited for the holidays though.  They are going to love it this year.

Aside from the holidays we're also doing a bit of prep work for the upcoming cycle in January.  I have a hysteroscope scheduled for next Friday.  Not really looking forward to that but at least insurance should be covering everything except for the co-pay.  It seems kind of pointless to go through with this when Dr H says the likelihood of issues (polyps, scarring, etc) being detected is very low.  But when insurance will cover it then it certainly doesn't hurt either.

I'm not even sure what the next step in our plan will be after that.  I know we'll do the pseudo biopsy on the menstrual cycle before the FET cycle.  But I don't know if that's planned for January or December.  I'm not sure if I'll be with it enough to ask when I see Dr H next...something to let Jeff ask maybe.  I wish I could say we're hopeful.  I'm not sure we really are.  We still mention thoughts of another child and changes with rooms and cars we'd need to make if it worked but in general I think the air has been knocked out of our sails and realism has set in.  Odds based before any thawing are pretty low (around 17-25% with morula cycles).  We do have two early blast mixed in somewhere but that's it out of the eight remaining.  I hope it will work.  I don't know that I have the heart to believe it will though.

Life Outside of Other Stuff...

Life beyond the current thoughts with possible cycles and upcoming failures attempts is going quite well.  I am feeling more in the swing of life again since the disappointing BFN.  Never thought I would be writing about BFNs and other attempts on this blog after we had the girls.  I was very happy and content with my life and though exhausted and stretched thin with parenting twins it was good.  It still is good.  But I do want more.  Or at least I want to try for more.  Who knows if that will come or not.

The night after our appointment with Dr H, I was putting my sweet girls to bed.  I was so grateful for them.  I held them a little longer than usual, got a little teary-eyed and whispered to them how they would always be enough for me if we weren't able to have any more.  It's true.  I will forever be grateful for them making me a mom.  And sometimes I think maybe I was blessed with twins the first time because God knew it wasn't going to work again.  I'm glad they will always have someone to be with them, closer than most siblings will be (I hope).  I hope we can add another but if it's not meant to be then we will still have plenty to be thankful for.

Kendall has said to me a few times in the days since the appointment "don't worry mommy...don't worry" and I wondered where she even picked up the word or understanding of worrying.  Maybe it shows that I worry and have been worried about things.  She is always my little empathetic and emotionally-connected child.  She gets it.  I don't really know why but she is good at reading emotion and seeing the details.  I keep holding onto her words of 'don't worry' as things move forward again.

Seren is full of spunk as usual.  She is a tease and a clown.  She loves to get attention and laughs.  She loves to do things for herself and try to do things for Kendall sometimes (not understanding that Kendall has the same drive to do it alone).  She loves to say "I'm so happy" lately (for big and minor things that make her smile) and has started saying "I love you too" when you tell her you love her.

They still look out for each other and try to care for their needs.  I love that the most still.  Friends enjoy watching their kids play with other children and hugging their friends or holding a hand.  I get to witness this most every day.  There are the additional fights and tantrums caused by each other of course but I love seeing the friendship they have.  

Life is going well and things are good no matter the outcomes that will happen.  In the meantime I am looking forward to the holidays and the excitement and family time and fun that surrounds this time of year.

Parenting Blahs and Awwwwws...

Maybe I've been over critical of my parenting now that we are taking on the task of trying to add another one (or two) to the family.  I sometimes feel like how can I consider adding one when I can't handle the two I have.  Yesterday was that day.  I felt like a crappy parent yesterday.  I don't know if it's the stress of the cycle or the extra estrogen floating in my bloodstream but I was a cranky little beast.  My wonderful toddlers were getting into mischief left and right.  We went to a playgroup in our neighborhood and I felt hopeful in getting to know my neighbors and isolated at the same time.  It helped to get out but I didn't return home all positive either.  I did what I tend to do when I feel cranky and want a break...through on some TV and distracted myself with some computer time.  Kendall crashed on the couch and Seren laughed at cartoons.  Then they were both awake and picking on each other for laughs.  Okay more like laughs for one and tears for the other.  This is their schtick lately...taking turns tormenting each other.  Needless to say lots of time outs and apologies have happened.

This time they both ended up in time out in their room.  A few minutes later the curtains and light-weight curtain rod came crashing down.  I got mad, swatted them on the butt and left them crying while I took my own time out (I always feeling like a stinker myself when I resort to any spanking).  Afterward, I stood them side by side and gave them a stern talk.  I tried to clear up who had pulled down the curtain and if both helped.  I still wasn't happy but at least I was calm.  At the end of the little talk I noticed that they had been holding hands between them.  They owned up to making a mistake and held hands while mom gave them the run down on not pulling down curtains and goofing off.  It was a cute little moment and reminder of their innocence to see them stick together.  

And hey today has been sooooo much better.  I've held onto some positive parenting.  I've gotten hugs from front and back at the same time from both my girls.  Running hugs.  Sitting hugs and double sitting hugs.  Maybe I'm not a terrible stinker of a parent in the long haul after all.  I love my girls.  So grateful that children are so forgiving and "forgetful" of our short comings as parents. 

Watching My Words...

Mostly I've been watching my words come right back out of Kendall and Seren's mouths.  So far no cuss words that I know of  *wiping sweat off my brow*.  But Seren will often tell Kendall "calm down Kendall".  I'm sure I use this phrase a lot with Kendall during her little tantrums and melt downs.

They both often say "Oh my" or "Good night" (my car language modified for bad drivers around them haha).  Also Kendall has taken to correcting me a lot.  She will play kitchen/cook with me and if I only say "yes" when she asks if I want more then she will say "mom...yes please" to correct me.  It cracks me up.  I guess at least they are learning manners.

Also today we went for a treat at Wendy's and were going to hit the drive-thru when Kendall saw the tables with umbrellas outside.  She kept saying "mom I want to eat outside" and once we parked I asked if they wanted to eat outside at home instead.  Seren immediately says "no mom eat here...sorry" emphasizing the sorry.  I actually heard myself in this sorry completely.  I take it I must say something like that quite a bit also.  It made me laugh but they got their way.

Cute little stinkers!

What makes a parent?

My sister and I watched the movie Chaos Theory a couple nights ago.  It has Ryan Reynolds in it and he's pretty entertaining.  The movie took a twist I wasn't expecting however.  *Spoiler Alert*  The man is organized to the extreme and his wife sets his watch back 10 minutes as a joke.  Anyway it screws up his whole schedule and day and through a series of events he discovers that his 7 year old daughter isn't his genetic child.  He comes to find out he has Klinefelter's Syndrome which in the movie the doctor tells him makes him completely sterile (although wikipedia states it causes reduced fertility not sterility).  Anyway apparently his wife did not realize it wasn't his child either so it wasn't like she was lying to him.  During one scene he confronts his wife about it and asks about the little girl "Who is her father?" and the wife keeps saying "You are" and giving examples of things he has done for his daughter...staying up nights with her during a fever, supporting her school work, adoring her as a baby and all of these things.  It kind of made me teary and sad for his character in relating to finding out that kind of knowledge in such a way.  But at the same time reinforced the idea that the father/mother or parent is the one that steps in and takes care of, adores and raises the child.  It doesn't discredit that someone else's genetics are involved but it also gives credit to (hopefully) what makes a parent and who a child will consider their mom or dad.

It also makes it easier to understand the importance of being honest with a child's history and makeup.  Although this story makes it seem that all parties involved were unaware of things playing out how they did.  I just couldn't imagine a child finding out that kind of information later in life and how confusing and emotional that would be.  We are in the "tell camp" when it comes to donor egg in vitro.  I guess you never know what is the right way to handle things or how a child will take this information but I hope that we are going into this with a clear head and I hope that keeping it simple and forthright will make it easier to understand and accept for our girls.

What I've learned...

We were hanging out with our good friends the other night.  Their daughter is basically 2 months younger then Kendall and Seren.  She is adorable.  Anyway they were sitting with her between them and comparing her looks to their own.  "I think she has my mouth but your eyes" and "No her mouth is more heart shaped like mine".  I just held one of my daughters and smiled.  I didn't really care which parent their daughter looked like so I wasn't going to comment or add my opinion.  I have noticed I don't really comment on things of that nature with babies and their parents.  I guess it's just not my focus anymore.  Anyway it just made me think about the things I've read about how genetics are not just in whole passed down from the parent.  It is not one parent or the other that is reflected in the child's appearance.  It could be a paternal aunt, a maternal grandmother or a distant relative that a child appears to have the look of.  Truthfully they only look like themselves in my opinion (and as DH puts it).

So some things that I have learned from being the mom to two beautiful girls via egg donation are:  genetics play no part in how we feel about our kids,  genetics are so much more complicated (ie epigenetics) then most people seem to understand, parental love is deeper than anything that would be "skin deep" or in that realm and I have the children I was meant to have heart, body and soul.

*side note* There is so much information on epigenetics.  I agree with the article above that it does not or should not discredit the donor's egg or DNA.  I know I wouldn't have been able to get pregnant or have these kids without her (and I plan on telling our kids that same truth).  But I also believe that there is some play on the appearance and ultimate outcome of children born of donor eggs through epigenetics.

Myth Busted: Won't it be weird...

Won't it be weird to carry and have a child who isn't genetically yours?  Okay so I've probably read or seen this online more then I've actually heard it myself.  Part of that is probably due to the fact the donor egg aspect of my children's make up isn't something I openly discuss with everyone.  Even some of those that we have been open with don't necessarily understand the depth of my diagnosis and what was required for me to get pregnant.  I don't openly discuss this with a lot of people due to the fact I feel it isn't my information to share.  I believe that these girls should have an understanding of how they came to be before anyone else.  Yes we have talked to some immediate family about it...after all we don't want the girls to say something about it to grandma or grandpa and then feel it is "shocking" or "shameful" news based on the reaction of someone who was uninformed.  We want them to have a support to understand it's totally okay and normal.

But anyway I lose my train of thought.  Was it weird to carry these kiddos who are genetically unrelated to me?  Heavens no.  Pregnancy was weird in itself sometimes...realizing a human being (or two in this case) were growing inside me.  Yah that part was sometimes mind boggling.  But that was the only thing I ever considered strange.  Perhaps my pregnancy was different in that I don't remember thinking very often, "I wonder what they'll look like".  I felt like I had no idea.  I hoped that they would look like Jeff somewhat and I was excited about the mysterious part of them I didn't know.

Is it weird caring for and raising our kids?  (yes...our kids...not Jeff's or someone else's...they are 100% ours).  I couldn't imagine anything more natural about caring for, raising and loving my babies.  Kendall and Seren are  the second best thing to ever happen to me.  The first being that I met and married my best friend who has taken every step of this journey with me.  I look at them and see myself.  That probably sounds silly to some. I don't see my physical self.  But I see my nurturing self...the part that will undoubtedly have an impact on who they become also.  I feel like the way we raise them and teach them is the way we pass on what truly matters...not their eye/hair color, smiles and other traits.

Parenthood Top Ten...and "sleep parenting"

With all of the busy non-stop go world of twins (okay nap time is still allowing for some mommy time) I sometimes notice fun mom things I get to do these days:

1.  I pick my child's nose at the store and think nothing of it (she has a cold and she had to breathe).
2.  I talk to both my kiddos while grocery shopping like they actually have a clue what I'm saying.
3.  I talk to myself...apparently it helps keep my sanity.
4.  I don't notice #3 so much until I'm with Jeff's family and they point it out.
5.  I make up some pretty great kids songs on the fly...my favorite "I Like To Be Held By Mommy" (I'm thinking I should sign a record deal HAHA)
6.  My idea of being productive means I got a shower in today and if I'm lucky did some laundry too before they woke up.
7.  I reorganize the front room just to have some variety in life
8.  I have children's books but sometimes I read my own books out loud to the girls just so I can fit it in
9.  Jeff and I are so excited that for the last 4 nights the girls have slept for a four hour chunk...it's the most solid sleep we have had in over two months.

And best of all...

10.  Jeff and I have both had "sleep burpings", "sleep feeding" and general "sleep parenting".  This is where we have woken up in the middle of the night trying to feed, burp or tend to children that are sleeping in their cribs.   I have woken up to Jeff patting me and trying to burp me.  Then another night it was him sitting up turning around and trying to feed an invisible child.  In general when I "sleep parent" it is simply waking up and searching the bed cause I could swear we fell asleep with them in it (this has never actually happened).

The joys of parenting :)  Really it is all fun (okay most of it is fun) but totally life changing of course.

Family of Four...

We are enjoying our little family of four.  It is interesting and definitely a world of difference when we are home at night.  We don't get out much I'm afraid.  Hopefully when the weather warms up more that will change.  I am so looking forward to spring and summer.  It's a nice day today and I'm pondering taking the girls out with me but they are sleeping and I don't want to throw them in their car seats just to go for a walk right now.  I do love the new stroller we got though (baby trend double snap and go) is going to be a huge investment I think.  And $75 is actually not bad for the purpose it'll serve...plus I plan to turn around and sell it second-hand when we're done with it.  I've gotten a number of things online for the girls lately (books, booster/high chairs and a play mat/gym).  I'm excited to try out the chairs and the mat.

The girls are getting bigger.  They both have double chins now and chubby cheeks.  So cute.  I'm guessing they are around 7 lbs or so each.  They are following us more with their eyes now and like to grab fingers (and hair...ouch) with their hands when we hold them.  We are just waiting for a real purposeful social smile still...they smile sometimes where it doesn't seem to be related to gas but they haven't started smiling back at us just yet.

Waving The White Flag...

The girls were waving the white flag last night.  Well at least Seren was waving it in surrender.  She slept like a champ.  Holy cow was I a proud and happy momma to the little sleeper.  Jeff said he didn't have as much luck with Kendall upstairs...apparently she was fussy after the 3 am feeding but did well up until that point.  So we actually got some decent sleep last night (I think...we'll see how Jeff is after work today).  Seren slept for 2 1/2 hours or so at a time before she would stir and get fussy to eat again.  Then I would feed her a bottle and she would be sleepy again and fall right back to sleep on her own.  No crying or screaming when I put her down.  It was heaven.  Hopefully this is a sign of things to come.

Preparing for Battle

This is what it feels like every night as we prepare for bed.  There is a specific routine we follow (there pretty much is for everything with twins I've decided).  Anyway we gather 3 sets of bottles (12 am feeding, 3 am feeding and 6 am feeding) in two colors (one color is assigned to each girl) and our formula and put them up in the bathroom on the top shelf.  We generally finish our nights with a 9 pm feeding and then try to get the girls in bed or down around 10 pm.  If we are at all lucky (which we generally aren't) we get an hour and a half of sack time before the girls fuss and wake up to eat again.  Most likely Seren is crying and won't go down so we don't sleep until after the 12 am feeding and then it's 2 hours max sleep before they are up again to eat.  The girls used to sleep together (based on recommendations and such that twins do well in the same crib).  They don't...do well sleeping that is...not our girls anyway.  So now Kendall is in the crib and Seren is in the pack 'n play bassinette by our bed.  We fight with Seren most every night (thus it feels like preparing for battle).  Love that little girl but man oh man can't wait til she sleeps better.

And thus it is 10 pm again now...we have a new battle plan in place tonight.  Divide and conquer.  We are attempting to split the girls up between our crib upstairs and one downstairs and also split ourselves up between our bedroom (downstairs) and spare bedroom (upstairs) and see how this works.  Wish us luck!

It Won't Be Like This For Long...

The girls are two weeks old now. Two weeks of loving them, feeding them, diapering them and loosing sleep. Oh sleep how we miss you :) hehe You have to laugh or you might cry from exhaustion. I just hope that Jeff is surviving. I try to take care of them at night the best I can with juggling but there are many times when I can't and Jeff is always good to get them from the crib, feed them or cuddle with them despite the fact he is exhausted. I hope we can get their schedules more on track with his.

Anyway during the hard times I think of how soon enough they will be bigger and sleep longer and then things will be a little easier. Then I think of the country song about this and how quickly they will grow and how much you'll miss it when it's gone. So I definitely try to enjoy the little moments and adorable babies that we have now and try not to mentally trade them in for babies that will sleep through the night. It always makes me teary eyed to think of them growing up so fast and getting bigger. Especially knowing this may be our only time with little newborn babies. But I'm so grateful that things worked for us and for Kendall and Seren to be here. I know they were meant to be a part of our family and I can't wait (okay yes I can) to watch them grow.

Bombing at Breastfeeding (kind of)

I have to say one of my biggest frustrations so far is breastfeeding. I have a hard time doing it. I think I would love it if I had one baby. But juggling two into the mix has been hard. Kendall doesn't nurse well enough to attempt same-time feedings and quite frankly I haven't tried to get them both latched on at the same time. I would be better about pumping too...I don't mind that. I was breast feeding Seren (my baracuda) and pumping the other breast while Kendall was having issues with latching, jaundice and weight gain and the pediatrician we saw said to give her formula just to get her weight back. The lactation consultants called to check in and said to always offer it to Kendall though and she'd get better at it (the beginnings of many opinions and never being able to do the right thing according to everyone). She did but I've also slacked off and lost ground again I believe. I have the hardest time nursing at night. I do it with Seren sometimes when she is fussy but Kendall is difficult to nurse when she is sleepy at all. I also fall into the trap of formula keeping them more full longer and feeling sleep deprived and frustrated. It doesn't help that the pump that I bought used (maybe should have known better doesn't appear to pump well with two at once...one side works great with suction and one is weak...so I typically only use one side). I suppose I should start pumping during the feeding of both girls whether Kendall takes breast or bottle.

Really all I can say is that I admire moms that can breastfeed twins. I am not giving up. I believe it will get easier. I have a lot of help from my parents right now which is really nice to keep one girl busy or comforted while I work with the other. Hoping I can find my groove even more so though when they return home.