Blah-Like Thoughts...

I always think about it.  The money aspect.  The money that goes into trying.  Money for drugs.  Money for appointments, ultrasounds, procedures, etc etc.  It seems like there is just one big hole sometimes.  Granted the first $22,000 brought us blessings beyond measure and to a point where we can take less expensive chances.  But it still makes my head spin when I realize that other couples don't spend anything in the process of creating their families.  Not with infertility though.  So expensive.  And yet I feel like I shouldn't complain too.  I know of so many who spend so much more with nothing to show for it.  I feel lucky that we were doing well enough with our finances to have taken our first chance with success.  I suppose the frozen cycles have been harder different to plan for as we have tried to pull money together more quickly.  This has left us saying "well we still have less debt than a lot of people" and hoping that it's worth it.   But I always find myself thinking about the other things the money could be used for.  Like today as I cleaned house I thought of how it would be nice to have new carpet to get rid of stains and wear or to finish our basement but nope that will have to wait.  Heck I'd settle for just having some money in our savings for a rainy day.  But I guess this is our "rainy day".  A few more weeks and we'll know if its a monsoon or a sprinkle.

It may seem horrible of me too but I've been noticing more articles that bother me about pregnancy and parenting the old fashioned way.  Things like you both love each other so much that you want to create this child who is a perfect blend of both of you.  That you see your chin, nose or even features that you never liked about yourself in a child and all the sudden you love that feature.  I guess for some stupid sub-conscious reason it feels like these people just maybe experience a deeper connection to their children than I have with my own.  Like I said silly and probably selfish train of thought that has followed reading these things.  I know I'm not missing anything in reality.  I know a greater love for my girls than I ever really hope to understand.  But the feeling and thought still happens like a tiny little pin prick in my mind or heart.  I don't really miss them looking like me.  I don't notice them looking like anyone in particular most of the time even though Kendall very strongly resembles my husband.  I know they both pick up on my idiosyncrasies and way of thinking/being and that how I parent them is shaping the very most important part of their being.  But the little twinge still sometimes comes up.  I didn't think it would again.  And although it's still very rarely it bugs me that I even give it a minute of my thought.  I imagine it's primarily due to the pursuit of another munchkin and revisiting all of my health issues that make our conception story so unique.  I know it's not a short coming on their part or my own and I'm sure there are other sides of the coin to worry about when you find yourself with a mini-me to parent.  I hope to and imagine that if we are successful that the thoughts will again fade into the background.  And if we aren't I know that it will be in the far reaches of mind again.  And leave no doubt, I am still very much wanting another sweet baby who will be as much a part of my heart and soul as my sweet girls are.

Going For Broke...

Literally.  I don't like this stage of infertility treatments.  Footing the bill.  Watching savings go down to basically zero.  This time around we asked for a preemptive loan from my parents with the intent to pay them back with our tax return.  Mainly because we didn't want to have the age gap grow and we didn't want the recipient couple to be waiting on us.  So there goes money we didn't really even have yet.  Stink.  We joke about when we are going to get to spend or save a tax return finally.  The last three (or is it four?) have gone to saving/paying for infertility treatments, a car loan and now infertility treatments again.  Not complaining.  Just the fact of how it is.  At least we are minimizing or not growing debt right?

Transfer is set for Tuesday morning though.  I had my ultrasound yesterday and things were great with a 11.3 lining and the triple stripe (always read about that being important online but never had a doctor use the term until now).  Hopefully this will all add up to a good outcome.  We will be starting shots tomorrow.  Joy.  Not looking forward to that part.  It feels like it's been sooooo long since the last one.  I'm sure it will feel old hat once we get a few days and shots behind us.  Still hoping for the full gamut also.

On another side of things in motion right now, our hopeful recipient couple situation has hit a roadblock.  They had a very unexpected chemical pregnancy and also a change of clinic policy (no more donor embryo cycles) all come down the chute at once and this has put us on their back burner while they decide what to do next.  We're kind of disappointed as it really seemed like a good match for us in personality and outlook for future connection and relationship.  We're just waiting to see what their next move is and then we'll figure out if we need to keep looking.

Let the cards fall how they may.  We are all in again at this point.

Gratitude and fateful feelings...

Things are still plugging along and forward. We have been finalizing our math on the finances and I've been working on things with UCRM in regards to my medication and insurance coverage. Can you believe it...insurance actually covers some of my progesterone in oil shots (PIO) and covers 100% of the syringes/needles...at least from what I can tell. YEAH! They finally step up a little. And the estradiol that I will be taking is what I'm already on and I can get the generic of that from Target for cheap too. So my med costs are not so much a worry for me anymore at this point although I know the donor meds will still be a pretty penny.

Jeff received his bonus from work. Boy that was a downfall and not expected. His area of the bank had been doing better this year then last and last year they had said the bonus was "small" so this year we were expecting at least the same size bonus or even more. It was more like 1/4 or less of last year's bonus. Ughh :P I stressed out and began worrying about the money again and thinking of how now something would need to go on the credit card. I drove home from work and was teary and frustrated. Jeff came home just after I did and I was done being emotional as I didn't want to pass on stress or have him feel bad. We had received some Valentine cards from our parents and my parents had sent two cards. I had a feeling they had sent us some more money to add to the "baby fund" and I opened the cards. I read the card and turned over the check and the first words out of my mouth was "holy sh**". They had sent us quite a bit of money...more then I would've ever expected. But it was nearly exactly the amount we needed.  Jeff and I both were very surprised and we didn't really want to take it.  But I felt like this was someone watching out for us and however it worked knowing that we were a little short on funds now and providing. Parents have great intuition, maybe a little bit of a higher power or maybe a little fate. All I can say is we both felt gratitude beyond words.

I have felt a little more guilty about not sharing our timeline with our parents. We have not said anything to anyone (with the exception of me talking to my friend that has gone through IVF a number of times). Jeff's parents haven't asked about our plans for a family or had any inkling of things. My parents have only asked vaguely if we planned to do anything this year and I told them we weren't really sure. I feel bad for not sharing with them and some days I want so badly to tell them. But most days I feel better about keeping things close to the vest with Jeff and I. I don't want anyone worrying or waiting but us. Most of all...I would love to surprise them all. I know or at least really hope that no one has hurt feelings over this.

We made it!

We have been adding up savings and other investments for over a year. Goodness we would have gotten here so much quicker if I would have stayed at DCFS but oh how I am grateful everyday (or at least every time I think about it) that I'm not working there. But we got our tax returns back and into savings yesterday. It puts us where we need to be. We now have a little over $13,000 in savings, plus money in my 401Ks, (hopefully Jeff's bonus) and then some money in stock. We are officially there. It feels good to be there finally. Plus it's a good thing we are because our DE IVF payment ($17, 100) is due at the end of March. Wow! It seems surreal. We finally get to go through with this. Hopefully (beyond hopefully) it will work. Both Jeff and I have hopes and belief that it will but we also keep each other grounded too. We have said that if it doesn't work that we will get another dog. So our way of reminding ourselves and each other is to also talk about what kind of dog we would get or that we may have a new dog this summer instead of a positive pregnancy test. We're hopeful though.