Popping Pills...

This cycle isn't all that different but I've been trying to keep track of all the pills I'm supposed to pop and when.  Seriously?  How do people ever keep it straight when it comes to more complicated stuff?  I have my regular thyroid medicine, my estrogen (2 or 3 times a day depending on the week), the steroids/prednisone (anti-auto immune), the doxycycline, the PIO shots, plus low-dose aspirin that I decided to throw in on my own after reading and research.  Oh and my prenatal vitamins...can't forget those.  Luckily the steroids and doxy will only be with me for five days and two days respectively but still.  It's become quite the list.

I will have my lining check ultrasound tomorrow and most likely the transfer will be a week from tomorrow.  We traded out the sesame seed oil for olive oil and boy do I hope that does the trick with the progesterone shots.  If I have hives and everything again I'm going to be one nervous lady.  I don't want to be switching between medication to find one that works.  So if the cycle works and the hives happen but my levels are fine I may just have to itch and deal.

I still don't have high hopes on this working.  Maybe I'll feel a little more optimistic once they thaw and transfer is complete.  I hope that we have at least a couple decent looking embryos but who knows.  Logically I don't know if I really want to do another cycle but emotionally I don't know if I could let it go if this one doesn't work.  We would only have one more shot after this.  So yah I probably couldn't let go of that "last chance".  I guess I shouldn't even look that far ahead and just focus on this one and the possibility of positive results.  We have a few things working on our side this time.  The biopsy that is supposed to increase chances of implantation and the prednisone that might be able to tell my immune system to "back the hell off" being the two biggest ones.  If it weren't for that change in our protocol I'm not sure I'd give it any better hope than the last one.  Nothing to do but pop pills, stab needles, keep going and wait it out.

Itching to Get My Beta....

Literally!!  This has been a very non-fun experience.  Especially the last 4 days or so.  Last night I had two giant hives on my backside.  We tried cortizone cream and it helped for maybe an hour.  And it didn't get rid of the stiff feeling of swelling in my back which is what hurt to sit, lean or sleep on and was more bothersome than the itching.  What a shitty way to end all of this.  Yep I'm admitting it.  I'm pretty sure it's the end of this one.  I would be shocked as hell if my beta came up with anything.  Which sucks cause I went into this so positive especially after the odds we were given.  I felt like things were working and noticed things that I didn't remember noticing with the girls.  Cramping, twinging, etc.  Now I don't feel anything different.  Part of me wonders if my body went crazy with the PIO reactions and had some autoimmune response, killing any chances.  I basically have two autoimmune conditions with Graves Disease and POF/POI so why wouldn't that be a possibility.

I've run out of ideas on comfort food.  I've had onion rings, chicken pot pie and hot wings in the last few days.  What's next on the menu?  Need to find the ultimate comfort food I think.  Deep fried mushrooms?  Ultimate Skillet at Village Inn?  French Onion Soup?  Kung Pow Chicken at my favorite chinese restaurant?  I guess there are still endless possibilities.  Wish the same could be said for other matters of business right now.

I think I'll buy one more test for the morning before the beta and call it a day.

The Fast Track...

We went in for my sonohystogram yesterday and received our calendar for this cycle this morning...there were some questions the nurse wanted to clarify with Dr H once I told her I didn't need to take the Lupron. One thing can be said for POF/POI, it doesn't slow you down when it comes to frozen cycles.  I had been expecting the typical calendar of approximately a month before transfer.  We had said we'd like to just move forward as soon as possible and the nurse originally gave us a tentative time frame of the week of November 4th transfer.  This was fine by me.  Time to get ready.  Time to comprehend and let it all really settle into my brain.  But low and behold Dr H told our nurse that due to my ovaries sitting on the sidelines already for this game that I didn't need to do Lupron (knew that) and also didn't need to manipulate my cycle with birth control (good job ovaries).

We were given the option to start Estrace and a cycle immediately or postpone a little if we had our hearts set on Dr H doing the transfer.  I was pretty tempted to postpone out until November 4th but after checking my calendar realized that I have a boutique show scheduled that week with a friend.  So since there is no harm, no foul in having another doctor do the transfer we are going ahead with the earlier transfer the week of October 14th.  Barely two weeks away.  The nerves are starting to kick in.  Ready or not the clock is ticking.

Advice Please...

This is a post related to a womanly problem.  If you have any advice regarding this please leave it...I'm at a loss as to what to do.

After having the girls and going to my ob/gyn appointment I decided to go with LoSeasonique as a form of birth control and hormone replacement.  I put off taking it for a couple weeks...wondering if my body would kick out anything on it's own.  I have been diagnosed with POI/POF for 3 + years now so I wasn't expecting much but was curious.  Nothing happened so I started taking the pill and 2 weeks later I started a period (without going placebo or missing pills).  I decided to stop the pill and start over when the period ended.  It ended and I waited maybe a week so I'd be on the right day of the pack.  Started the pill again and again about 2 weeks later started another period.  So then I stopped the pill for a month to see if my body was doing anything or if this was just some pill related fluke.  Nothing.  Started the pill again a few weeks ago and this time I went about 3 weeks and now again I am having spotting (I considered this a normal adjustment and kept taking it) and today more like a full-blown period.

POI/POF ladies:  Has this happened to you at any time?  What is your best approach to dealing with spotting or "off kilter" periods in the middle of birth control or HRT??  I find POI so infuriating to try to figure out!  Moms on birth control:  What is your experience with starting birth control after having a baby??

** Also, I don't have current insurance due to a change in jobs at our house so I can't just go see a doctor right now **

Two weeks...

Well we are now two weeks away from our expected 5-day transfer date. I was planning out a little surprise for Jeff (more on that later) and realized as I looked at my school, work and IVF calendars (haha yah they're fun to juggle) that it was coming down to the wire.

Anyway it is so close and I think we're both excited and nervous. We don't talk about it much. We talk about remembering our pills and future appointments but not the actual possibility. I for one am perfectly okay with this as the less I talk or worry about the positive or negative (literally) the less I feel freaked out. I am generally excited and have good feelings about it. But I also know that nothing is a sure thing. I am not excited to start PIO injections next week and Jeff is not either. He is so sweet and concerned about them and hurting me. I think it will be okay although it definitely won't be the most pleasant thing I've done. I'm going to submit a refill with Medco on my prescriptions as I'm worried about them delaying or being late and if things go well we'll need them immediately...so hopefully it's not a waste of money.

I used to think I would compare this to waiting for Christmas. And some days I do a little...it could be a really awesome gift at the end. But most days it's more of a feeling that I'm waiting to take a big test and maybe if I study hard enough and focus enough (eat well, take my pills and live healthy as possible) that maybe we'll pass the test at the end. I hope so.

Sinking in...

First off...let me amend the insurance comment and post by saying...eh you're okay sometimes I guess. Medco finally came through on the prescriptions and I received the first of my medication (4 bottles of PIO (progesterone in oil), a bottle of estradiol and 20 syringes). Nurse G was saying that the PIO was $37 per vial through their preferred pharmacy and I just got 4 vials for $30, free syringes (YEAH! something for free) and relatively cheap estradiol...so that was a nice little perk. Plus they are on refill now so I will be able to have more sent without the hassle (I hope). Seeing the syringes for the first time in person kind of made me a little bit nauseous. I'm not afraid of needles but the idea of an intramuscular shot isn't so pleasant. Hopefully that won't be too bad though.

I also went to my credit union and withdrew the majority of funds we have in there. It made a nice pretty check that I will be giving to Jeff to deposit in our other account so we can pay it easier to the credit card. When you're dropping this kind of cash it's nice to even get a 2% reward back right? That coupled with receiving the meds in the mail is really making it sink in for me. I am excited but gosh am I nervous too. And I am a nervous puker (TMI I know)...so I can just tell now that before this all comes down that something else will be coming up too.

Gratitude and fateful feelings...

Things are still plugging along and forward. We have been finalizing our math on the finances and I've been working on things with UCRM in regards to my medication and insurance coverage. Can you believe it...insurance actually covers some of my progesterone in oil shots (PIO) and covers 100% of the syringes/needles...at least from what I can tell. YEAH! They finally step up a little. And the estradiol that I will be taking is what I'm already on and I can get the generic of that from Target for cheap too. So my med costs are not so much a worry for me anymore at this point although I know the donor meds will still be a pretty penny.

Jeff received his bonus from work. Boy that was a downfall and not expected. His area of the bank had been doing better this year then last and last year they had said the bonus was "small" so this year we were expecting at least the same size bonus or even more. It was more like 1/4 or less of last year's bonus. Ughh :P I stressed out and began worrying about the money again and thinking of how now something would need to go on the credit card. I drove home from work and was teary and frustrated. Jeff came home just after I did and I was done being emotional as I didn't want to pass on stress or have him feel bad. We had received some Valentine cards from our parents and my parents had sent two cards. I had a feeling they had sent us some more money to add to the "baby fund" and I opened the cards. I read the card and turned over the check and the first words out of my mouth was "holy sh**". They had sent us quite a bit of money...more then I would've ever expected. But it was nearly exactly the amount we needed.  Jeff and I both were very surprised and we didn't really want to take it.  But I felt like this was someone watching out for us and however it worked knowing that we were a little short on funds now and providing. Parents have great intuition, maybe a little bit of a higher power or maybe a little fate. All I can say is we both felt gratitude beyond words.

I have felt a little more guilty about not sharing our timeline with our parents. We have not said anything to anyone (with the exception of me talking to my friend that has gone through IVF a number of times). Jeff's parents haven't asked about our plans for a family or had any inkling of things. My parents have only asked vaguely if we planned to do anything this year and I told them we weren't really sure. I feel bad for not sharing with them and some days I want so badly to tell them. But most days I feel better about keeping things close to the vest with Jeff and I. I don't want anyone worrying or waiting but us. Most of all...I would love to surprise them all. I know or at least really hope that no one has hurt feelings over this.

Long Term Outlook

POF has many facets for how it affects your life. Your ovaries basically shut down or stop working. This means that eggs aren't formed and it is the formation process (monthly cylce) and an active ovary that produces most of estrogen in a womans body and also produces some testosterone and other hormones. Without estrogen you run into problems with absorption of calcium and maintaining bone density and also cardiovascular risk. Basically you become prone to the same issues that a menopausal woman becomes susceptible to...but with POF you are at risk 20-30 years sooner. Most women with POF take Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) in order to counter the risks but even then you are still at risk of osteoperosis and heart disease. It's scary stuff.

I remember when I got over the initial infertility issue enough to worry about my health that I was terrified I'd have osteoperosis and I worried about POF upping my risks of hereditary heart problems. I asked my doctor about getting a DEXA scan (bone scan) for osteoperosis and he said it was unnecessary and I should be fine. That was another reason that Jeff and I went to the NIH in Washington D.C. because they performed standard tests for POF free of charge for their study. They realized that osteoperosis is a risk even in a 27 year old (at the time) woman when it comes to POF. Luckily I tested normal for bone density at the time but I should be retested every few years and take proactive measures like weight bearing exercise.

Anyway enough rambling. Basically this post was just to say that I am doing a research paper for my college course Biomed Core (biology and physiology) and I chose to do this on the long term health risks of Premature Ovarian Failure. I think it will be good for me to get more information and I've researched it before so I already know a lot of the material. I am interested to find out more detail about the risks though.

Seemingly normal

I stopped taking my HRT (hormone replacement) a couple weeks ago. I had some issues with breakthrough periods...most likely from not replacing patches and forgetting them because of how stressed I've been lately. I decided to stop taking the HRT for a while and get a fresh start in a month or so. I also don't know what I will do with HRT since I will be quitting my job next week and insurance will be an issue.

The thing that bothers me is that I feel fine still. Most women with POF go off of HRT and they start feeling like crap and having hot flashes and such. I didn't have signs when POF struck me (besides missing periods) and I don't seem to be having issues now. My joints are a little more achey but I don't know if that's a symptom or just a random thing. It just is irritating...I almost wish I felt more crappy off of HRT because I feel like then it would be more concrete that something is wrong with my body. But instead on the outside I am seemingly normal...despite having mixed up and menopausal level hormones going on inside my body.