Guilt and glee...

How do these two mix together? Well you put someone in my shoes, about to officially find out whether our first DE IVF worked, and a good friend of mine, beginning down the path of infertility, together. Not only do you put them together but you put them together with Mother's Day on the horizon. I remember the first Mother's Day after my POI diagnosis and being depressed and wanting to cry. I thought I would never be a mother and I had no idea how I'd ever get there if I were going to. Jeff bought me a "I love my wife" type card and a necklace and said it was because I would be a great mom someday. I never told him but I didn't like the sentiment at the time and I told myself I didn't want to wear the necklace unless I actually became a mom someday. I remember he mentioned the thoughtful gift at the family dinner for his mom and I felt ridiculous...someone without a child, pregnancy or anything on the horizon being thought of. I share this story because I remember very well what it's like to be there and not look on Mother's Day as one that I'll ever celebrate anytime soon. I still don't feel like I'll celebrate it too much this year either...I'd rather wait on certainty then celebrate early.

But now I feel both guilty and gleeful. I'm happy that Jeff and I have possibly started our family and that things could be going our way. But I feel guilty because I know how my friend must feel. In fact I just read on her blog tonight about how she's been having a hard time with Mother's Day coming up and still not being a mom...I imagine this is the first one that she has had to deal with in that type of infertility perspective. I know it sucks. I hate that it sucks. And I keep thinking and praying that she will be pregnant before I have to say anything about our situation. I don't want to be the one that makes things worse. I don't want her to be upset or angry or disappointed. I have had difficult feelings in the past with regards to her and my infertility but now all I can think and feel is that I want her to be a mom. I want her to have everything she desires. I don't want to be the one that makes her feel like I did when my roommates and friends announced pregnancies over the last 2 1/2 years. I have no idea how I'll ever have the courage to talk to her if good things don't come her way first.