Surprisingly confident...

I feel like I am surprisingly confident in my body's ability to do this. I know I'm only in the very beginning stretch and there are many hurdles to cross still. I always imagined that when we did DE IVF that I would be worried about the pregnancy and not want to do anything (at all) that would be even a small risk. But I still go to work, I still lift things and vacuum there (not really at home because our vacuum is awkward at times) and generally go about normal life. I feel like my body can finally do this. It has had problems before with thyroid issues and ovarian issues and things that I thought I would worry about it coming through for us but I have to say so far it has been a champ. I haven't had any spotting ever (thank goodness...I'm sure I'd worry more then) and no other issues or complaints. I don't even really have morning sickness or nausea (sometimes mild ick feeling at morning and night but generally I feel great). So I have to give props to my body for doing what it is supposed to do and as far as I can tell doing it well.

I did get pretty sick over the weekend. I have a feeling it was something I ate (whopper jr. to be exact) and I ended up throwing up several times on Saturday night and some into the next day. I didn't eat anything but a couple bites of soup and applesauce on Sunday. Jeff was amazing and took care of anything he could and went to the store several times for whatever sounded good (Sprite, Gatorade, applesauce, etc.). On Monday I ate a few more things and now I feel back to normal. I worried a lot on Sunday about the babies and if this was food poisoning or a bug and if it would harm the babies to be so sick. Jeff also got sick on Monday night so that made me feel a little better that maybe it was just a bug and not so worrisome. I felt like there was little I could do though then to try to take my vitamins and eat when I could and try to get liquid in me. I feel like so much is out of my control when it comes to being sick and that to worry would just make it worse. I hope the babies are okay though and I feel good or bad enough as the case may be that I'm going to try not to worry about it.

Being normal is not necessarily a virtue...it rather denotes a lack of courage

This past year I've had a lot of thoughts and longing for a "normal" life. I wanted to think about my future outside of the realm of saving for donor egg invitro or adoption and just be able to wishfully think of what I would do or be like if we were able to have kids on our own. I had been trying to figure out how and why ovarian failure happened to me so much and trying to figure out how Jeff and I would ever have kids that I lost a great deal of "normal" in life. And instead of placing things aside and trying to be normal I dreamed of ways I could change myself to be and have normal. But I'm not going to change, my health situation is very much unlikely to change, the chances of me ever getting pregnant on my own are not going to change...so the one thing that can change is my attitude. I've made a decision that I will go about my life like anyone else and that Jeff and I can plan on children just like anyone else and eventually when the time is right and things align for that goal then it will happen. Being "normal" is all about the perspective and attitude you have of it.

Also I was watching "Practical Magic" today (one of my favorite movies) and I've seen it over a dozen times but today this line really popped out at me: one character states all she wants is a normal life and the other woman says... "My darling girl when are you going to understand that being normal is not necessarily a virtue...it rather denotes a lack of courage." And it's so true...it doesn't take courage to go about things the normal route. It takes a courageous person or in our case a courageous couple to take on a different route and courage to realize that even though it's not how you always thought it would be...that in the end it still will be and it will happen someday for us too :)