Blah-Like Thoughts...

I always think about it.  The money aspect.  The money that goes into trying.  Money for drugs.  Money for appointments, ultrasounds, procedures, etc etc.  It seems like there is just one big hole sometimes.  Granted the first $22,000 brought us blessings beyond measure and to a point where we can take less expensive chances.  But it still makes my head spin when I realize that other couples don't spend anything in the process of creating their families.  Not with infertility though.  So expensive.  And yet I feel like I shouldn't complain too.  I know of so many who spend so much more with nothing to show for it.  I feel lucky that we were doing well enough with our finances to have taken our first chance with success.  I suppose the frozen cycles have been harder different to plan for as we have tried to pull money together more quickly.  This has left us saying "well we still have less debt than a lot of people" and hoping that it's worth it.   But I always find myself thinking about the other things the money could be used for.  Like today as I cleaned house I thought of how it would be nice to have new carpet to get rid of stains and wear or to finish our basement but nope that will have to wait.  Heck I'd settle for just having some money in our savings for a rainy day.  But I guess this is our "rainy day".  A few more weeks and we'll know if its a monsoon or a sprinkle.

It may seem horrible of me too but I've been noticing more articles that bother me about pregnancy and parenting the old fashioned way.  Things like you both love each other so much that you want to create this child who is a perfect blend of both of you.  That you see your chin, nose or even features that you never liked about yourself in a child and all the sudden you love that feature.  I guess for some stupid sub-conscious reason it feels like these people just maybe experience a deeper connection to their children than I have with my own.  Like I said silly and probably selfish train of thought that has followed reading these things.  I know I'm not missing anything in reality.  I know a greater love for my girls than I ever really hope to understand.  But the feeling and thought still happens like a tiny little pin prick in my mind or heart.  I don't really miss them looking like me.  I don't notice them looking like anyone in particular most of the time even though Kendall very strongly resembles my husband.  I know they both pick up on my idiosyncrasies and way of thinking/being and that how I parent them is shaping the very most important part of their being.  But the little twinge still sometimes comes up.  I didn't think it would again.  And although it's still very rarely it bugs me that I even give it a minute of my thought.  I imagine it's primarily due to the pursuit of another munchkin and revisiting all of my health issues that make our conception story so unique.  I know it's not a short coming on their part or my own and I'm sure there are other sides of the coin to worry about when you find yourself with a mini-me to parent.  I hope to and imagine that if we are successful that the thoughts will again fade into the background.  And if we aren't I know that it will be in the far reaches of mind again.  And leave no doubt, I am still very much wanting another sweet baby who will be as much a part of my heart and soul as my sweet girls are.

Complex Inferiority?

Do you ever feel inferior?  Not even that.  Do you ever feel or think others see you as inferior?  That their children were created so easily or so "normally" or whatever it may be and your children were brought about by so much hard work and fought for with tears and shots, needles and (at least in our case) another woman's eggs.

I've never felt inferior myself.  I have never felt my children are or were.  Not in my eyes.  Not in the eyes of close family that know the details.  But sometimes I wonder just a little if behind closed doors if there is a twinge of people (okay let's face it mainly our close friends...the only people outside of family that know anything about the donor aspect; but also I've been more open about the infertility and IVF that even not so close friends know that part) and sometimes I wonder if these people are thinking "I'm glad he/she is 100% both of us" and "Isn't it awesome that we were able to create this life without all of that technology".  Like when my friend tells the story of her first ob/gyn prenatal appointment she never leaves out the part of the doctor saying "you guys did it all on your own" (a year of trying and then after a few months of Metformin they got lucky) as if it's a huge accomplishment.  Yeah!  Go you!  I'm glad that they didn't have to go through more.  But sometimes I feel cheapened (not exactly the right word but hopefully you get it) by the fact I couldn't do it on my own.  Probably not in a million years.  I'm definitely not hung up on that fact anymore but sometimes I wonder what people really think about infertility and ART treatment and procedures when I'm not there.

Do they feel like they are better than me?  Or their children are?  Do the fertile feel superior to the infertile friends they might have?  Are they simply grateful they weren't in those shoes or are they actually somewhat smug about it?  Or do they not even consider that my story or your story could have been theirs?  Maybe this is just my insecure side thinking and speaking.  I really don't think I'm inferior (if anything I feel a little above equal because we worked for it so hard) and I am beyond blessed to have what I have in my life...no matter what road it took to get us here.  But I sometimes wonder about this kind of thing.

Donor Egg Books

The other night I read the One More Giraffe book to the girls.  I received this book when it was introduced to the PVED board and free copies were offered.  I was recently pregnant with the twins and had been looking into ways to introduce and talk about the donor egg aspect of their make-up as they grew up.  There isn't a lot out there sadly.  I enjoy the simpleness of this book and the matter of fact way it has of dealing with the topic.  It's definitely not written for adults, as I find it kind of corny and brief, but I think it's a good introduction for young kids.  I also love the idea of Mommy's Garden shared by Keiko (from another friend of hers).  I don't expect that the girls will really have in depth questions about it until they are older and understand more about biology and how babies may typically happen for other families.

 I hope I'm prepared for the simple side of things in the meantime.  I definitely have no shame about how we were given the best gift ever and how through that we were able to have these beautiful girls.  I have no doubt that they are my children and I am there mom.  I hope they never doubt that either.  I hope that they never feel shame over their unique story.  I know that we are a huge part and impact on how they will accept it and themselves.  I don't want us to treat it like a huge deal because it's not.  It's how life came to us and it's how we decided to pursue a family and I couldn't be more grateful that the technology and ability for us to take that route was there.

My question for any donor egg mom's or those pursuing or thinking of it....Are there any books you recommend??  Thank you.

What makes a parent?

My sister and I watched the movie Chaos Theory a couple nights ago.  It has Ryan Reynolds in it and he's pretty entertaining.  The movie took a twist I wasn't expecting however.  *Spoiler Alert*  The man is organized to the extreme and his wife sets his watch back 10 minutes as a joke.  Anyway it screws up his whole schedule and day and through a series of events he discovers that his 7 year old daughter isn't his genetic child.  He comes to find out he has Klinefelter's Syndrome which in the movie the doctor tells him makes him completely sterile (although wikipedia states it causes reduced fertility not sterility).  Anyway apparently his wife did not realize it wasn't his child either so it wasn't like she was lying to him.  During one scene he confronts his wife about it and asks about the little girl "Who is her father?" and the wife keeps saying "You are" and giving examples of things he has done for his daughter...staying up nights with her during a fever, supporting her school work, adoring her as a baby and all of these things.  It kind of made me teary and sad for his character in relating to finding out that kind of knowledge in such a way.  But at the same time reinforced the idea that the father/mother or parent is the one that steps in and takes care of, adores and raises the child.  It doesn't discredit that someone else's genetics are involved but it also gives credit to (hopefully) what makes a parent and who a child will consider their mom or dad.

It also makes it easier to understand the importance of being honest with a child's history and makeup.  Although this story makes it seem that all parties involved were unaware of things playing out how they did.  I just couldn't imagine a child finding out that kind of information later in life and how confusing and emotional that would be.  We are in the "tell camp" when it comes to donor egg in vitro.  I guess you never know what is the right way to handle things or how a child will take this information but I hope that we are going into this with a clear head and I hope that keeping it simple and forthright will make it easier to understand and accept for our girls.

Reflections

I am taking up a "homework challenge" from Keiko at Hannah Wept Sarah Laughed to review some of my old and beginner posts and reflect on how I've grown and changed during this infertility struggle and journey.  I was basically diagnosed with POI/POF around age 26 and fully diagnosed at 27.  I was devastated and I used to feel irritated or bitter toward women who were older than me and were able to get pregnant.  My initial diagnosis was the darkest time I can recall in my life.  I started this blog about a year after that diagnosis.  Sometimes I wish I would have started it right from the beginning to really see the changes in attitude but I was definitely in no place at that time to be able to share that pain and insecurity with anyone.  I felt like a failure.  I felt like a disappointment.  I felt betrayed by my own self.  Anyway so I can't share with you the worst part of my travels but I'm sure it mirrors a lot of what many infertile people may feel.

As to reflections of posts that began my blogging.  I noticed a lot of gratitude for my husband and I can never express enough how much his support got me through.  I wouldn't claim he's the only person who could have or would have pulled me out or gone through it with me but I think he was the best person for the job.

I also look at the things that I was so worried about missing out on with children.  I was worried about not sharing looks and eye color and genetics.  Of course that is such a normal thing to be sad about initially but it honestly never crosses my mind anymore.  I think of how beautiful my daughters are and how much I love them and I can't imagine why those things mattered so much.  I realize these are the after thoughts of someone who has been lucky enough to be where I am and in no way consider it wrong for other's to mourn that loss.  But I really can tell you that it is such a null and void thought on this side.  I also worried about my feelings being less connected or attached to my kids based on the missing genetic link.  I couldn't be further off base with this worry.

One of my favorite posts of reflection was this one regarding "normal".  I was so wrapped up in being normal for the first year of my diagnosis and hoping and praying for miracles to happen and for us to conceive on our own that I missed out on a lot.  I'm glad that we had time on our side.  I'm actually glad at this juncture that I wasn't diagnosed during attempts to conceive and instead that it happened before I was even married.  It taught me about true love.  It helped me to grow and learn (and for us to save a butt load of money) before we pursued our donor egg in-vitro attempt.  It was actually a blessing in disguise even though I felt it was such horrible timing then.

So I end with a quote I still love today:
My darling girl when are you going to understand that being normal is not necessarily a virtue...it rather denotes a lack of courage. - Practical Magic-

No one who is required to go through great measures to achieve their dreams of a family can really say it's the "normal" route but it's the route we're given and we're all courageous for taking it on in whatever fashion we do.  So props to all of the infertility community out there and for all of your amazing courage.

Thoughts on IVF and ART (resources)...

In regards to disclosure:
I have definitely discovered in talking more about infertility in my real life that there are many people I know who have some infertility issues themselves.  I don't discuss the donor side of things due to my personal thoughts on that related to the girls but I make it no secret that IVF was a part of them getting here.  Heck even when strangers ask me "were they a surprise?" or "what side of the family do twins run on?" I tell them "nope they weren't.  We had some help" and if it goes further (it usually doesn't) I tell them it was IVF. 

This happened over the past weekend.  I went to a baby shower with my good friend L and the twins stayed home with Jeff.  L likes to bring up to people that I have twins when they aren't in tow.  I guess so I don't feel child-less or something when others bring their babies or talk baby.  It doesn't bother me (her mentioning it).  Anyway this shower was primarily people I didn't know with the exception of L and the mom-to-be.  L brought up the twins and one of the older ladies said something like "I bet that was surprise".  I said that it wasn't and that we had some help to which she gave a somewhat blank look so I added it was through in-vitro (ie IVF).  Nothing more was really said other than how much work and how much fun it must be. Afterward L said she really was surprised and kind of thought I put myself out there for discussion (not that this was bad thing just I think she is a little protective in her eyes).  She said that these people were so wrapped up in themselves though that nobody really cared to ask more.  I didn't really think of it that way, although it could've been true.  Honestly IVF and ART are so common place these days that I don't think most people bat an eyelash when they are mentioned.  

IVF and ART in general: 

Although common I also believe IVF and ART methods are grossly misunderstood or uneducated on.  Unless you've been there you don't really know what goes into it.  But of course most people also know not to ask such personal questions beyond those above or similar ones.  

Sadly most people don't understand what assistance can be given prior to the "last resort" of IVF either.  A family member has gradually been asking me more and more about our path to children.  Nothing in depth really but more in regards to the possible success of it and the cost of it.  I had an idea he was considering this as an option for he and his wife.  He brought it up in that way the last time we talked and I asked if they had done any testing yet (it didn't sound like it) and suggested there were also other things to be done before IVF was considered generally.  It sounded like this actually surprised him.  Which surprised me.  I assumed that most people even considering IVF had pursued or at least were aware of other less expensive options first.  Of course I also assumed that when others pursued IVF that they were aware of national success rates of clinics being available and posted (I also discovered this assumption was incorrect when my best friend from high school told me their first clinic was one that doesn't report to the CDC or SART  (not sure why) but it was the only one they knew of; when my friend's first IVF attempt with this clinic failed they were told they had 0% chance of conceiving.  They have since gone on to get pregnant with twins twice and have 3 living children and 1 angel through IVF with ICSI ; bite it crappy clinic).  Seriously??  I just feel like the medical community or the basic educational system is doing a great disservice to infertile couples.  How can doctors diagnose a problem like infertility and then leave their patients to flounder in a diagnosis they don't know how to deal with or which routes are available to them.  Why are the resources and information not given to people dealing with this?  

When I was officially diagnosed with POF/POI by my ob/gyn I had only been married for a little over a month.  But my doctor (bless her) suggested clinics in the area that could help us if we did decide to pursue things.  She recommended one based on her own experience.  So thank goodness I went to someone who had an idea of what it was like to go through infertility and what resources I might need.  I had to research and find a POF/POI support group and here, a PVED support group (I hope it's still at this address...I know there have been some changes) and SART and clinic success rate sites myself but at least I was given a stepping stone for hope.  It just infuriates me that some are not and don't know what is available, both for treatment of infertility and treatment of health and mental health problems that infertility can cause. 

Goodness that turned into a tangent....ooooops (kind of).  Anyway the point I am getting at is that IVF and ART are not things to be ashamed of in most circles and that when we keep being ashamed of them it just adds to that taboo (I was nervous and a little embarrassed to talk about them at first).  And that we need to empower ourselves, others and expect the medical community to empower us also when it comes to infertility.

Twin Mom Guilt...

We hung out with our good friends last night.  It was really nice and enjoyable.  I felt like I was finally able to talk to my good friend about the infertility stuff and not be downplayed or belittled.  But first off it started off with some twin questions.  She asked if I ever wondered if Seren would be less of a crier or panicky if she were able to be on her own schedule (ie not be a twin but an only child).  I didn't really take it offensive but at the same time was thinking, "why does it matter? that's not the scenario we have so why wonder?"  I honestly think Seren would be very similar to how she is whether she was a twin or not.  It's interesting to see that Kendall and Seren have basically met in the middle in my opinion.  Seren has actually mellowed out a lot (I think mostly because the colic stage has passed) and Kendall has become more demanding at times (probably because she sees it working for Seren).

Unlike some twin moms who learn by surprise we had a pretty good idea from the beginning.  We were given a 40% + chance of twins based on the donor's history and the appearance of our embryos.  And sometimes I do feel guilty for them being twins.  Guilty that I can't pay attention to them enough or give them enough one-on-one time.  I catch myself thinking "I'm sorry that I put you in this situation" when one or both of them is having a really hard day and I'm trying to juggle loving on both.  I used to feel more guilty about it (often crying because I felt inadequate for them) so things have gotten better.  I wonder if most moms of multiples feel this way.  Just inadequate and somewhat guilty that they can't do enough.  I suppose that's another reason it bothers me when my friend compares developmental milestones of our children...because I feel I've put them at a disadvantage.  But in reality I know they will develop just as normally (they have so far) as any single child and will actually be better off for learning to share, socialize and be more patient right from the beginning.  They are lucky to have each other and have a sister who is their same age.  I'm excited to see them grow up together and have that special relationship.

On the other plus side, like I was saying, I really felt like my friend and I somewhat connected on the infertility stuff for the first time.  It has been a looooong while since the topic has truly been broached.  We both got to talking about whether we would have another child.  They plan to and my DH is settled while I'm not 100% sure yet.  She asked what we would do if we had twins again and I told her I wouldn't open it to that possibility (explaining more of the DE IVF stuff and only putting back one embryo).  Then she asked about the donor and how we had gone about picking someone.  I always thought I would be offended a little by people asking about the donor (no one really has yet...not very many family or friends know) but I wasn't offended.  In fact I was almost excited to tell her about the way things had worked out and how I really felt good about things and making the right decision once our donor was selected.  It was just a good conversation and I was also able to reiterate my concern/request with privacy and not talking to anyone else about it, explaining that Kendall and Seren deserve to know and understand and later share that information how they see fit and it's not really my place or choice beyond what Jeff and I feel is necessary to keep them "safe" emotionally (if that makes sense).

I really feel like fate led us down this route and I am so lucky to have the kiddos that I do.  They are so special and I hope I live every day as their mom making sure that they know that.  Every child is special of course but I like to think children brought to parents with infertility struggles are just a little more then most.

Myth Busted: Won't it be weird...

Won't it be weird to carry and have a child who isn't genetically yours?  Okay so I've probably read or seen this online more then I've actually heard it myself.  Part of that is probably due to the fact the donor egg aspect of my children's make up isn't something I openly discuss with everyone.  Even some of those that we have been open with don't necessarily understand the depth of my diagnosis and what was required for me to get pregnant.  I don't openly discuss this with a lot of people due to the fact I feel it isn't my information to share.  I believe that these girls should have an understanding of how they came to be before anyone else.  Yes we have talked to some immediate family about it...after all we don't want the girls to say something about it to grandma or grandpa and then feel it is "shocking" or "shameful" news based on the reaction of someone who was uninformed.  We want them to have a support to understand it's totally okay and normal.

But anyway I lose my train of thought.  Was it weird to carry these kiddos who are genetically unrelated to me?  Heavens no.  Pregnancy was weird in itself sometimes...realizing a human being (or two in this case) were growing inside me.  Yah that part was sometimes mind boggling.  But that was the only thing I ever considered strange.  Perhaps my pregnancy was different in that I don't remember thinking very often, "I wonder what they'll look like".  I felt like I had no idea.  I hoped that they would look like Jeff somewhat and I was excited about the mysterious part of them I didn't know.

Is it weird caring for and raising our kids?  (yes...our kids...not Jeff's or someone else's...they are 100% ours).  I couldn't imagine anything more natural about caring for, raising and loving my babies.  Kendall and Seren are  the second best thing to ever happen to me.  The first being that I met and married my best friend who has taken every step of this journey with me.  I look at them and see myself.  That probably sounds silly to some. I don't see my physical self.  But I see my nurturing self...the part that will undoubtedly have an impact on who they become also.  I feel like the way we raise them and teach them is the way we pass on what truly matters...not their eye/hair color, smiles and other traits.

One Year Ago...

One year ago today we met Seren and Kendall for the first time.  They had their first picture taken.  One year ago today we were going into that transfer room with all of our fingers and toes crossed.  It seems like that day was so long ago.  At the time it seemed like that day was so long in the making.  We are so very lucky that it worked the first time.  I count my lucky stars that we didn't have to suffer a loss on top of the loss created by infertility.  We are so blessed to have these wonderful girls in our lives and so excited to continue to watch them grow.

Kendall and Seren at 5 days old (ie 5 day transfer)

Myth Busted: It's no different then saving for...

After I was officially diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure/Insufficiency (POF/POI) a little over a month after being married, the hubs and I began saving for what we felt was inevitable...the cost of DE IVF or adoption.   At the time we weren't 100% sure which route we would take but we knew neither one were going to be cheap.  We still "tried" even though so early in marriage neither of us really wanted to have a baby but we knew it would be a literal miracle if it happened so it wasn't so worrisome.

A little over a year of saving (including contributing my 401Ks to the pot, my annual leave pay out from my CPS job I quit, some of the money from hubby's condo he sold so we could make a down payment on our house, donations from my parents, etc etc) I was talking to my good friend about the cost of infertility treatment (over instant message...thank goodness).  She asked how much it would be and when I told her she said how it would be worth it.  Yes of course it would I agreed (if it worked).  She then compared it to saving and spending money on her house remodel.  She said they had put in $10,000 so far on carpet, siding and various projects.  I laughed to myself...uhhhhhh not at all the same (considering that was half of what we expected to spend).  Instead I told her "Yah except when you pay Lowe's you are 100% guaranteed to get what you paid for".  I couldn't believe what came out of her next "Not really."  What?  Was she seriously arguing that a retailer would give you the same "chance" of not providing what you paid for that ART treatments come with?  Yep she was.  I again said I didn't think a retailer would stay in business if that were true.  She again argued that "it could happen".  HA!! Oh I wanted to smack her.  When it become pretty obvious that she was serious and didn't see how these two grand expenditures were not at all alike I became more upset.  I had to shut down the messenger and walk away before I said something I knew I'd probably regret.  I felt she was not being supportive and trying to minimize my worry.  I didn't expect her to pity me or commend me but I didn't expect her to trivialize something that came with a 40% failure rate.  

Saving for ART treatment (for me...for us) was like putting away money that we would rather have used for other things...like house remodeling, down payments, vacations and a dozen other things.  Things that in my opinion are 100% guaranteed.  It was like putting all our eggs in one basket.  A basket with a decent sized hole in the bottom that everything could fall through.  It was saving for a dream.  Yes we realized it was all worth it...even if it failed at least we had tried.  Yes we realized the risk when we went into saving.  But I think we also both knew that if we left things to chance or out of our control that they would always be that way.  So there was no comparison and no similar thing most people could compare it too.  I imagine now that there are worse things to throw your money at...gambling, lottery tickets, etc.  You know...things with an even lower chance of "winning".  We threw in our ticket though and now with two beautiful girls in our lives...we have won the ultimate lottery.

___________________________________________________________

This post is in response to National Infertility Awareness Week.  Resolve has challenged bloggers to Bust a Myth regarding infertility.  I am making it my goal to Bust a Myth every day this week and bring awareness of infertility's challenges to those around me.  

Thoughts of Pregnancy -- Post Pregnancy

I have thought about my post pregnancy thoughts more so recently.  Like how I feel about having any possibility of my own genetic children after having our beautiful girls.  I hope I don't offend anyone by saying this.  I know we all come from different experiences and situations.  Some have children prior to taking the route of donor egg children, some only have the option of donor egg children and some still feel a desire for a genetic child after having a donor egg child.  We all have the right to feel how we do and pursue our desires how we see fit.  So where do I fall?

When I consider the very slim chance of getting pregnant on my own the only thing I really think would be great is not having a team of doctors involved with the conception and not having to have needles stuck in my back side daily for 10-12 weeks straight.  I would also love to not have to take hormones for the rest of my life in hopes that I don't end up with osteoporosis or other POF/POI side effects.

I used to imagine how I would love for my body to kick into gear after pregnancy and possibly get pregnant without intervention.  I believe Jeff and I used to talk about how I wouldn't use birth control then either and we'd just see what happened.  But after having Kendall and Seren, I can honestly say that I have no real desire to have a genetic child.  I can't imagine feeling any more connected to one or more love towards one or whatever reason it is that makes us want to perpetuate our own DNA.  Most days I forget that these girls don't share any of my genetics.  And even more so I wonder how they would feel if we were to have a genetic child.  Not that any parent would ever treat their children differently or feel different towards them.  But then I wonder...would they somehow feel second best?  Just the thought of it diminishing their importance (even if it were just a feeling they had or quietly never expressed) makes me think I would never pursue that.  I couldn't be more lucky than in having them.

Parenthood Top Ten...and "sleep parenting"

With all of the busy non-stop go world of twins (okay nap time is still allowing for some mommy time) I sometimes notice fun mom things I get to do these days:

1.  I pick my child's nose at the store and think nothing of it (she has a cold and she had to breathe).
2.  I talk to both my kiddos while grocery shopping like they actually have a clue what I'm saying.
3.  I talk to myself...apparently it helps keep my sanity.
4.  I don't notice #3 so much until I'm with Jeff's family and they point it out.
5.  I make up some pretty great kids songs on the fly...my favorite "I Like To Be Held By Mommy" (I'm thinking I should sign a record deal HAHA)
6.  My idea of being productive means I got a shower in today and if I'm lucky did some laundry too before they woke up.
7.  I reorganize the front room just to have some variety in life
8.  I have children's books but sometimes I read my own books out loud to the girls just so I can fit it in
9.  Jeff and I are so excited that for the last 4 nights the girls have slept for a four hour chunk...it's the most solid sleep we have had in over two months.

And best of all...

10.  Jeff and I have both had "sleep burpings", "sleep feeding" and general "sleep parenting".  This is where we have woken up in the middle of the night trying to feed, burp or tend to children that are sleeping in their cribs.   I have woken up to Jeff patting me and trying to burp me.  Then another night it was him sitting up turning around and trying to feed an invisible child.  In general when I "sleep parent" it is simply waking up and searching the bed cause I could swear we fell asleep with them in it (this has never actually happened).

The joys of parenting :)  Really it is all fun (okay most of it is fun) but totally life changing of course.

Not the Architect...

I had a thought today as I was hanging out with the girls and just loving on them and admiring them.  I was thinking about the article I posted last time and how it says that the egg and sperm are what make the "blueprint" but the mother's body is what creates the child.  Well anyway I may not be the architect but I think I make one hell of a contractor and builder. 

 Aren't they the cutest?

 I've been trying to get a picture of them holding hands and this is the closest we came :) haha

Article about Donor IVF

I found this article through following a blog which linked to another which had this posted on their site.  I found it interesting and explanatory of egg donation and other methods or ART where a donor is needed. 

Myths and Reality of the “Donation”
from the online booklet – OOCYTE DONATION, By Cara Birrittieri, Mary M. Fusillo, RN, BSN, MS, and Georgia Witkin, PhD

You probably learned the following in your high school biology class, but most of us need a review to dispel many of the myths around baby making and making a baby with a donated egg. 

To create an embryo that will grow into a healthy child, you need genetic material from two different gene pools. The combined genetic material instructs the developing fetus to become a boy or a girl, tall or short, have curly hair or straight, blue eyes or brown.

Myth number 1
Fifty percent of the genetic material is delivered by a sperm cell. Most men think their sperm is carrying their own characteristics. This is the first myth. Actually their sperm is carrying genetic material from their entire gene pool (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.). If the particular sperm that delivered the genetic material for your baby is carrying DNA for characteristics expressed in the father or sperm donor, the baby may resemble him. If, however, that particular sperm is carrying certain characteristics from great uncle Harry for a little girl with curly blonde hair and blue eyes, his daughter may look nothing like him with his straight dark hair and brown eyes. It’s the luck of the draw. Each sperm cell carries an entirely different combination of genes from the man’s ancestors.

The same of course is true for eggs or ova. Any given egg can contain genes from any group of ancestors — those that resemble the woman donating the eggs or those ancestors who look nothing like her. That means the genetic material in a donor’s egg may give instructions for a child to develop with very different features than the egg donor herself. (This has important implications when choosing an egg donor, which is discussed later). Once the two sets of genes combine, another step determines which traits will actually arise in the developing fetus and child. When the genes come together they all interact, some turn on and some turn off, so in reality, there is no telling which gene will do the instructing, and who your child will act like, look like, or sound like.

Think of a family that you know. If each genetic contribution in a child were an exact duplicate of their parent’s genes, all the girls and all the boys in the family would be clones of one another. The fact is that each egg and sperm contains a different combination of genes, and each time they unite a unique individual is created. That is why within the same family there might be some tall children, or short, some brown hair, or blond, some looking like one parent, or some who look like neither. Indeed, the only exception to this rule is identical twins. Their genes are identical because a single embryo splits in two, duplicates and develops as two people with the same genetic makeup. Everyone else has his or her own genetic combination or code. This is also why genetic testing is so accurate.

Myth number 2
Now here’s the part that may surprise you. Although this medical procedure is called “ovum donation,” the recipient does not receive someone’s egg in her uterus. This belief is another myth. Once the genetic material from the sperm and the egg has melded, the work of the sperm and the egg is done. The combined material duplicates itself and two new cells are created. The material duplicates again, and now you have four new cells. They double and there are eight. Soon there will be a ball of new cells — the beginning of a new human being (an embryo). When a woman gets pregnant on her own, this duplication process begins in the fallopian tube. When a donor egg is used, it happens in the IVF laboratory and the embryo(s) are transferred to the recipient’s uterus when it is about the same size it would be coming from the fallopian tube. It is that ball of cells (embryo), not someone else’s egg, which hopefully implants into the recipient’s uterine wall and begins to grow into a fetus.

Myth number 3
Perhaps the greatest myth surrounds pregnancy. Many believe the uterus is simply an incubator. Nothing could be further from the truth. The most important aspect of all pregnancies — including egg donation pregnancies — is that as the fetus grows, every cell in the developing body is built out of the pregnant mother’s body. Tissue from her uterine lining will contribute to the formation of the placenta, which will link her and her new child. The fetus will use her body’s protein, and then she will replace it. The fetus uses her sugars, calcium, nitrates, and fluids, and she will replace them. So, if you think of your dream child as your dream house, the genes provide merely a basic blueprint, the biological mother takes care of all the materials and construction, from the foundation right on up to the light fixtures. So, although her husband’s aunt Sara or the donor’s grandfather may have genetically programmed the shape of a new baby’s earlobe, the earlobe itself is the pregnant woman’s “flesh and blood.” That means the earlobe, along with the baby herself, grew from the recipient’s body. That is why she is the child’s biological mother. That is why this child is her biological child.

Many recipients ask, “Is the baby actually my flesh and blood?” Not literally. No baby is really its mother’s flesh and blood because the truth is that every fetus builds its own flesh and its own blood. Still you might wonder, “If it was my own egg, wouldn’t the baby then have my blood?” No. The baby might inherit your blood type, but would still be making its own blood, just as it makes its own skin and hair texture, and nails and teeth. Besides, with or without egg donation, the baby might have inherited his or her blood type from the father’s gene pool. Think of it this way: every baby is a complete, self-contained, unique human being. You will meet this person when he or she is born. To try to sort out the genetic contributions at that point is like trying to break a cake down into flour, sugar, water, and yeast after it has been baked. It is now a cake, no longer separate ingredients.

Family of Four...

We are enjoying our little family of four.  It is interesting and definitely a world of difference when we are home at night.  We don't get out much I'm afraid.  Hopefully when the weather warms up more that will change.  I am so looking forward to spring and summer.  It's a nice day today and I'm pondering taking the girls out with me but they are sleeping and I don't want to throw them in their car seats just to go for a walk right now.  I do love the new stroller we got though (baby trend double snap and go) is going to be a huge investment I think.  And $75 is actually not bad for the purpose it'll serve...plus I plan to turn around and sell it second-hand when we're done with it.  I've gotten a number of things online for the girls lately (books, booster/high chairs and a play mat/gym).  I'm excited to try out the chairs and the mat.

The girls are getting bigger.  They both have double chins now and chubby cheeks.  So cute.  I'm guessing they are around 7 lbs or so each.  They are following us more with their eyes now and like to grab fingers (and hair...ouch) with their hands when we hold them.  We are just waiting for a real purposeful social smile still...they smile sometimes where it doesn't seem to be related to gas but they haven't started smiling back at us just yet.

As to my donor egg feelings...

I wanted to address this also for anyone considering donor egg or wondering how it may be to go this route. I worried a little during my pregnancy that I would feel inadequate or annoyed or many other things with people talking about the girls and who they might look like or such things. Interestingly enough the two people who have commented on this aspect (Lisa's husband James and my Aunt) both were aware of the donor egg aspect...not sure they really understand it though. James said he thought Seren looked like me while they were up to visit at the hospital (no biggie and I just smiled and said "you think so?") and then my Aunt was sitting with us at home and started talking about how she was just trying to figure out who the girls looked like. I didn't bring up the donor egg aspect again with her...if she doesn't remember the details or understand it more then regular IVF I am okay with that (especially after the last time of her telling other family members about my health that I didn't want to know). But yah it doesn't bother me at all to have people say things like this. I think both girls are distinctive to themselves in looks. I would say that Kendall looks a little like Jeff and his family (but not even strongly there)...the nurse staff, my mom and I seem to think Kendall might have a little bit of red hair (never saw that happening...even though red hair runs in Jeff's family and mine a little too...so people were always saying we had a good chance of a little red-head). Sometimes I even strangely think Kendall might look a little like my family babies do. Both Kendall and Seren have long slender fingers and some similarities to each other. I thought at first they were very different in appearance but now I think they are starting to look more alike (like siblings only of course hehe). Seren is my little button nosed baby. I love how her little nose gives her character and how she is so facially expressive it seems. They have these facial expressions that I just love. I still believe both girls will end up with brown eyes but I may surprised there too. Jeff has hazel eyes and the donor had brown eyes with very little recessive blue eyes in her family. I would say that I have grown comfortable with the idea of the girls not looking like me and just being curious with how their appearance will change and how they will grow into themselves. I love them for the world and wouldn't change how they looked for a minute.

I feel no regrets or weird feelings about how we started our family. I worried a little with my non-emotional or crying reaction at their being born that something might be off. But with each passing day and hour spent with them I feel closer to them and more bonded. I sit there when changing and feeding them sometimes and think of how perfect they are and how much I love them already and just tear up or cry. Maybe I'm hormonal hehe but I know that can't be the whole reason. I know that love will just continue to grow too and become incomprehensible to how much I can love them.

The only concerns I feel like I have with things is with my POF and how this might affect breast milk supply and things of that nature. I had what I felt was a good first and second pump (1 1/2 oz...one breast as Seren nurses while I pump the opposite breast to supplement Kendall with) but then it went down to less then an ounce and barely an ounce. I was frustrated and worried. I think though that a lot of this had to do with my crazed nesting upon coming home, my exhaustion and just emotional drop with hormones and worrying about it. I've been trying to be less obsessed with it and just making sure I eat and drink enough and this morning I had a 2 1/2 oz pump (yeah!!). I'm also ordering different/bigger breast shield size (this is supposed to help as I am bigger then the average breast). So I think it will get better.

Surprisingly confident...

I feel like I am surprisingly confident in my body's ability to do this. I know I'm only in the very beginning stretch and there are many hurdles to cross still. I always imagined that when we did DE IVF that I would be worried about the pregnancy and not want to do anything (at all) that would be even a small risk. But I still go to work, I still lift things and vacuum there (not really at home because our vacuum is awkward at times) and generally go about normal life. I feel like my body can finally do this. It has had problems before with thyroid issues and ovarian issues and things that I thought I would worry about it coming through for us but I have to say so far it has been a champ. I haven't had any spotting ever (thank goodness...I'm sure I'd worry more then) and no other issues or complaints. I don't even really have morning sickness or nausea (sometimes mild ick feeling at morning and night but generally I feel great). So I have to give props to my body for doing what it is supposed to do and as far as I can tell doing it well.

I did get pretty sick over the weekend. I have a feeling it was something I ate (whopper jr. to be exact) and I ended up throwing up several times on Saturday night and some into the next day. I didn't eat anything but a couple bites of soup and applesauce on Sunday. Jeff was amazing and took care of anything he could and went to the store several times for whatever sounded good (Sprite, Gatorade, applesauce, etc.). On Monday I ate a few more things and now I feel back to normal. I worried a lot on Sunday about the babies and if this was food poisoning or a bug and if it would harm the babies to be so sick. Jeff also got sick on Monday night so that made me feel a little better that maybe it was just a bug and not so worrisome. I felt like there was little I could do though then to try to take my vitamins and eat when I could and try to get liquid in me. I feel like so much is out of my control when it comes to being sick and that to worry would just make it worse. I hope the babies are okay though and I feel good or bad enough as the case may be that I'm going to try not to worry about it.

Our secret....

or secrets as it may be :) We have been in the process of a DE IVF procedure for the past few months. I have been blogging about it privately but haven't published anything as we wanted to feel more secure before telling anyone. My parents follow this blog and that was another reason we wanted to play it close because we wanted to surprise our parents if it were to end well.

We went in for the viability ultrasound today and found that we will be having twins. They are both measuring on target and we were also able to hear the heart beats. That was amazing as I didn't know you were able to hear them (I thought you could just see them on the screen) so early on but it didn't seem real at the same time. After we heard the first heart beat I asked "So that was the baby's heart beat?" and Dr H just laughed a little and said "Yes didn't you hear it?" and I laughed and said "Yes I just didn't know you could hear them so soon." Anyway we are very excited but it is still sinking in.

*our little woogits in the making...about the size of a chocolate sprinkle*

We called my parents after the appointment and then had to have them call us back as they were driving separately to pick up my brother and his family at the airport. They called us back when they were together and I told them we were going to be having a baby and they got all excited and then I went on to say we're actually having two babies/twins and then they were more excited. It was fun to surprise them. Next we drove to Jeff's parents' home. We sat in their living room and Jeff told them we were having a baby and by baby he meant babies/twins. They were also very excited and said they had been thinking of us in this regard recently. We asked both parents to keep this quiet until we were more prepared to share with others. We are all excited and it was fun to share the news with them.

Unfortunately today I also found out that my ob/gyn who diagnosed my POI will be moving in August. I was disappointed in that. I was comfortable with the idea of her as she knows my medical history and I also know that she is supportive of the fertility treatment and had actually been through a little of her own. Now I am worrying a little about how I will find a different ob/gyn and if I will like them as well or feel as comfortable. I plan to still keep the first appointment and then ask her for some referrals. I'm sure it will be fine though.

**there will also be newly published posts with "cycle" tag going back to January 2010 if you want to read the goings on leading up to this**

Not so worried...

I'm not so worried about things now. I worry a little about things like not seeing a heartbeat or something not being right like that. But as the days have gone on I definitely am feeling more pregnant. Not a lot but I've gotten nauseous a little the last couple days and nothing sounds good to eat. I try to eat what I can but usually don't get a lot down until dinner time. I haven't thrown up so that is a blessing. Still hoping to not hurl at all during this. I have lost weight due to my lack of desire to eat. So I decided I better make the most of what I do eat and went to the grocery store. I hope I'm eating enough to cover all the bases needed and I do still take my prenatals so hopefully that will fill in the gaps. Getting excited for Monday and finding out what we have on our hands.

One more week...

I am still feeling minimally pregnant. I am still cold and still a little crampy and tender but other than that nuttin. Sometimes I feel like my sniffer is starting to kick into high gear...like when the broccoli in the kitchen trash made me want to dry heave. Okay and so I am nauseous to certain things (seemingly more then I remember). Like I killed a spider tonight and I was dry heaving at the guts and clean up. But all in all I do not feel pregnant. Some days I feel like the transfer and everything was just a dream and nothing is really going on in there. I hope I'm wrong and things are progressing all sorts of normal. My baby calendar widgets are all over the place but I'm actually only hitting a little over 5 weeks I guess so still hoping it's just too soon to feel very different. Jeff thinks I'm a little paranoid and thinks everything is fine. Thank goodness for the voice of reason. I'm sure he is right.