Autoimmune Link...

I still feel our failed FET could be related to autoimmune issues.  Yes there's always the blame card right?  My body has been it's own combination punching bag and Mike Tyson for the last several years though.  It took out my thyroid with Graves' Disease.  Possibly was a factor in taking out my ovaries.  And for lack of any other good reason I think it may have helped take out the poor little embryo and chance that was given.

I know most doctors would call me crazy (or any woman crazy) but I honestly really believe that the cramping and twinge feelings I had the evening of and day after the transfer were that embryo trying to make a home.  It wasn't cramping all over.  It was one very precise side and spot.  And I felt it a few times over those first few days in the same place.  Followed by achey fullness and light stretching almost as well and then some lower back cramps.  I was 100% convinced it was working.  Then my body started reacting to the shots (maybe coincidental but I still wonder) and it was very soon after that all of those "good" feelings went away and I started realizing it was over.

I've read A LOT on autoimmune stuff in the past and now I've begun reading about secondary infertility (non-ART and via failed IVF cycles) and found medical information about the body (especially those with a history of autoimmune issues) developing natural killer cells and T-cells (?) that can work in the uterus and target and even prevent implantation of the embryo from being successful.  I wonder if that was and would be the case in the future.  I emailed the team to also ask about this possibility (without going into detail on the feelings I had) and any testing to do before trying another transfer.  We will see what Dr H has to say if anything about it.  If anyone reading this has experience with autoimmune stuff or treatment during IVF please let me know (I appreciate the contact I did receive and will reply soon).

Update on asking Dr H.  He agrees that this possibility is definitely worth looking into and possibly testing for and also mentioned prevention/suppression he has done with other patients.  He mentioned steroid treatment during cycle and also use of baby aspirin and a possible endometrium biopsy.  He also shared a research article about mild medical injury (ie scratching) to the uterus prior to a cycle improving the chances of implantation greatly.  It sounds like we will need to set up an appointment with him to go into more detail.  It makes me hopeful that he actually considers this a very possible interaction though.  I wish we would have considered this before we used up our best frozen chance.  I hope it's not too late if we look at it now.

Beta Blues...

I have the beta blues.  Big Fat Negative of course.  Right now I think BFN stands for something besides Fat and I don't mean Fluffy.

I was grateful a male drew my blood today as what was the likelihood he'd ask anything personal.  I had my backside checked by a nurse who said it looked sore and reactive for sure.  She went to her computer saying we would need to order a different solution with olive oil instead of sesame oil and try that.  I told her I didn't think it was necessary and cried a little saying I'd already tested at home.  Way to blow my cover that I was worried about before right?  She handed me tissues and said she would call when they knew for sure.

Drove home and a couple hours later got the call that immediately was left for voice mail to pick up.  Negative.  Negative.  Negative.  No surprise but it hurt to hear for absolute certain.  Silly me even emailed later to make sure running the test two days early wouldn't have made a difference.  Rub salt in the wound.  Yep why not?  A phone call with an even more solid "it was negative for sure.  I'm sorry".

Jeff was wonderful and came home from work without asking.  What else do you do when your wife sobs on the phone to you.  So now my eyes are still full of tears and my belly is full of hot wings and french onion soup.  I can't complain forever.  I had my two sweet girls with me when I listened to the voice mail.  They both sensed that this was worse than the weepy mom of the last couple of days.  Seren patted me on the leg and laid her head on my lap and kept saying "ohhhhh"  Kendall crawled up next to me and also laid on me.  When I talked to Jeff he talked to the girls for a minute and Seren in a very concerned voice said "Daddy...Mommy not happy".  He asked them to give me a hug which they had already been doing.  Blessings.  Pure sweet blessings.  I'm focusing on that.

Itching to Get My Beta....

Literally!!  This has been a very non-fun experience.  Especially the last 4 days or so.  Last night I had two giant hives on my backside.  We tried cortizone cream and it helped for maybe an hour.  And it didn't get rid of the stiff feeling of swelling in my back which is what hurt to sit, lean or sleep on and was more bothersome than the itching.  What a shitty way to end all of this.  Yep I'm admitting it.  I'm pretty sure it's the end of this one.  I would be shocked as hell if my beta came up with anything.  Which sucks cause I went into this so positive especially after the odds we were given.  I felt like things were working and noticed things that I didn't remember noticing with the girls.  Cramping, twinging, etc.  Now I don't feel anything different.  Part of me wonders if my body went crazy with the PIO reactions and had some autoimmune response, killing any chances.  I basically have two autoimmune conditions with Graves Disease and POF/POI so why wouldn't that be a possibility.

I've run out of ideas on comfort food.  I've had onion rings, chicken pot pie and hot wings in the last few days.  What's next on the menu?  Need to find the ultimate comfort food I think.  Deep fried mushrooms?  Ultimate Skillet at Village Inn?  French Onion Soup?  Kung Pow Chicken at my favorite chinese restaurant?  I guess there are still endless possibilities.  Wish the same could be said for other matters of business right now.

I think I'll buy one more test for the morning before the beta and call it a day.

Pressure Is On...

Well the little needle sticks with a little itching turned into small itchy bumps, and then itchy hives and now one big itchy hive that covers my entire left injection side.  One email about the itching and basic advice from the nurse about PIO shots and moving around the prevent lumps and if it got red, swollen or really itchy they might need to see me.

Well this happened:

Day 1:  Injection to left side on Saturday morning...Sunday morning it looked like this.

And then a couple days and one shot later it looked like this:

Day 3:  Left side swelling has gone beyond our Day 2 outline to see if it was getting worse

I emailed the IVF nurses once in between with a picture saying I didn't think it was normal but that I could handle hives and itching until the beta was done.  I never really heard back that day so I thought they were okay with my plan.  Then Day 3 (today) happened and I decided I better email them more directly (not through the mychart system via the hospital they are related to).  I emailed the IVF nurses a series of  the pictures directly and said I was pretty sure this wasn't normal or okay anymore.

I recieved a phone call a couple hours later that no this wasn't normal and that they didn't want me to wait until Sunday/Monday beta results.  Basically saying that sometimes when you've done PIO shots before that your body can build up a localized reaction to them.  It doesn't affect the progesterone but obviously isn't good for your sanity or tissue long term.  The nurse advised me that they do have a different PIO mixture with a different oil/base but that most pharmacy's don't just carry it so they would have to order it (most likely mail order it).  Since we don't want to be ordering more medicine if it isn't necessary they want me to go in for my beta early (Friday) and be sure to get same day results.  That way if I am pregnant they will know to order and get the process going so my body can stop reactions (hopefully).

I feel like a ticking time bomb.  Sunday was nice enough to go in for a blood test and I asked to go to a more local lab on Saturday and that was okay.  Now it's going to be on Friday instead.  The nurse assured me that they would be able to tell by a blood test by then if I was pregnant but to me it just seems so much closer especially since I have taken a couple pregnancy tests at home that have been pretty basically been negative.  So I feel like not much can change in that arena in the next 3 days.  Who knows in the end I guess...maybe it'll be better to get out of 2 week wait hell sooner than later.

She's Lump...

I've been trying to make up lyrics to that song for a day or two as my lumps have consistently been appearing after each shot now.  No more big bruises yet but lumps, some itching and even slight swelling from Saturday's shot.  I emailed the IVF nurses a picture of that because I'm concerned it could be an allergic reaction. Anyone know if that interferes with progesterone absorption?

Anyway I found another song to change lyrics on while watching Tangled with the girls.  From the 'I've Got A Dream' song if you want to hum along ;-)  Thought it might be good for a laugh...

"I've got lumps and bumps and bruises.  Sometimes my oil oozes. Let's not even mention my allergic reaction.  But despite my IVF woes and whether I'm pregnant well who knows, we really want this embie to make a good connection"

Earning My Stripes (or spots)...

Well apparently I have been earning my stripes with this cycle.  In the short time we have been doing shots this time I have two definite bruises to report.  How many did we get last time?  Zero.  No problems with soreness or bruises at all last time.  Worth it but wondering what's different.  I've only gotten a couple on my left side so far but the most recent is pretty bad and raised like a welt.  Does that mean bad progesterone absorption? allergic reaction?  We've noticed the needles aren't exactly 90 degree straight with the syringe so we haven't tightened them down as tight now and that seems to help the straight factor.  We'll see if it helps with the bruising.  Any tips to avoid bruising? or help with current bruises?

Left side spots.  Right side is still clear for now.  Don't be sad Mom ;)  Love ya

What a Relief...

Transfer went smoothly.  Poor Jeff got a stomach bug or ate something so he was throwing up the night before and that morning.  So although we hadn't planned it he stayed home from work for the rest of the day after the transfer and didn't go to either of his jobs.  It was kind of nice to just have us all chilling at home.  We discussed our plans of one vs two being transferred the night before.  Jeff was okay with transferring only one if the odds were around 25-30%.  You can see how twins have scared us off of the possibility of twins again...love them but sleep deprivation, difficulty breastfeeding and juggling two babies is killer.  I was okay with just one if the odds were around 40%.  Our clinic has an average success rate with frozen cycles of around 40% with average transferred being two or slightly over two.  So we agreed to somewhere around 35-40% being a good average.

We had traffic and sickness issues, along with dropping the girls off with my in-laws, and were 15 minutes late getting to the clinic.  Our attempt to call was met by a machine and their office hours not being open until 8 am (the time we arrived).  They didn't act like it was a big thing.  We still waited just as long or longer in the transfer room so I didn't feel so bad.  Dr M was the transferring doctor this time.  We had never met him but he was very warm and easy to adjust to.  He brought out my file and a picture of the two embryos that had survived the thaw.  One looked great and the other looked okay.  He explained one was in great shape and the other was moderate to good.  Our odds transferring the one would be around 50-60% with a 5% chance of twins he told us.  What the what!!  I couldn't believe it.  I think the sigh of relief could be heard from both Jeff and I.  Dr M continued that the success rate to transfer both would be around 60-70% with a 30% chance of twins.  We were over the moon to have such good odds with one and immediately agreed to just transfer the one.  We asked about the stuff that seemed to be growing next to the embryos and were told that they were hatching and that this was a good sign as well.  I was given the Valium and had some giggles from that and then the transfer was done, the obligatory wait was over and we were sent home.  Luckily after picking up and taking the girls home they were happy to oblige us in an early afternoon nap due to their early wake up call.  Our entire house crashed for a few hours and it was wonderful.

Now the front room is littered with Gatorade bottles, the TV has been playing Yo Gabba Gabba and I've been chilling out today with the girls on my own.  Following my same regimen of liquid intake suggestions (mostly Gatorade) and eating fresh pineapple as I did with our fresh cycle but opting to skip the Raspberry Leaf tea this time (man that was gross last time).  I also have not been as strict on my "bed rest" but how can I be when I still have two little ones at home to care for.  I've taken it easy for sure but haven't grounded myself to the couch.  It's been a nice change.  Now we just wait and hope (and Google a little of course).

Decided to add a picture of the little ones.  We used the larger blastocyst and the other was donated for research.

Waiting, Hoping, Wishing and Looking Again (most likely)...

We have our transfer set for 7:45 am tomorrow.  We are hoping that it works and that one little embryo sticks around.  We would take two for sure but we are hoping for just one still.  We won't know the expected success rates until we arrive and talk to the doctor.  There are 3 blastocysts in this straw but since they were frozen prior to the vitrification technology being at our lab it is very unlikely they will all survive the thaw.  We hope that two will survive and be strong contenders.  The nerves and reality still don't seem to sink in yet.  We are so blessed to have this opportunity to try though.  So very grateful that we have been blessed so greatly so far and hope that maybe we can get lucky one more time.

We received word from our hopeful recipient couple and as we somewhat expected they are desirous to try for a pregnancy on their own, at the advice of their doctor.  He believes that the chemical pregnancy may "jump start" her system into remembering what it is supposed to do and advised them to try on their own without IVF for the next 4-6 months.  If it were us in their shoes I'm sure that we would be doing the same thing so it was easy enough to understand.  I am hopeful for them but at the same time the words "jump start" and such sounded a lot like the hope I was given with my POF diagnosis and the suggestion of doing birth control to remind my body of it's purpose and they have been trying for 6 years until this point.  I wonder if they will be successful.  Maybe we'll never know. We've basically left it with the statement that we will be waiting to consider our donation options again until this cycle ends or until a later time in a pregnancy if it is successful.  We will be looking at other couples and options once we feel confident in our decision to do so.  If time goes on and we do find ourselves at the end of their time frame still looking for a resolve with a match then we are both okay with reconnecting and completing what was put in motion and has now been halted.

It is disappointing in that I think we both really liked this couple and felt comfortable in the prospect of donating to them.  But on the other side it doesn't feel like a great loss but perhaps even a comfort in that if we do get attached to the idea of a child and this cycle isn't successful that we can still pursue another round.  Jeff laughs at me with this idea but I don't think we'll know how we feel until the results are in.  I was originally okay with moving on with our girls but now given this possibility back (and the beyond gracious funding of this cycle by my parents) it isn't completely off the table for us to try again sometime after the holidays.

I still hope beyond hope that this will just work this time and to not be disappointed but only the next couple weeks will tell.  And then the weeks to follow after that if necessary as well.

Going For Broke...

Literally.  I don't like this stage of infertility treatments.  Footing the bill.  Watching savings go down to basically zero.  This time around we asked for a preemptive loan from my parents with the intent to pay them back with our tax return.  Mainly because we didn't want to have the age gap grow and we didn't want the recipient couple to be waiting on us.  So there goes money we didn't really even have yet.  Stink.  We joke about when we are going to get to spend or save a tax return finally.  The last three (or is it four?) have gone to saving/paying for infertility treatments, a car loan and now infertility treatments again.  Not complaining.  Just the fact of how it is.  At least we are minimizing or not growing debt right?

Transfer is set for Tuesday morning though.  I had my ultrasound yesterday and things were great with a 11.3 lining and the triple stripe (always read about that being important online but never had a doctor use the term until now).  Hopefully this will all add up to a good outcome.  We will be starting shots tomorrow.  Joy.  Not looking forward to that part.  It feels like it's been sooooo long since the last one.  I'm sure it will feel old hat once we get a few days and shots behind us.  Still hoping for the full gamut also.

On another side of things in motion right now, our hopeful recipient couple situation has hit a roadblock.  They had a very unexpected chemical pregnancy and also a change of clinic policy (no more donor embryo cycles) all come down the chute at once and this has put us on their back burner while they decide what to do next.  We're kind of disappointed as it really seemed like a good match for us in personality and outlook for future connection and relationship.  We're just waiting to see what their next move is and then we'll figure out if we need to keep looking.

Let the cards fall how they may.  We are all in again at this point.

Parenting Blahs and Awwwwws...

Maybe I've been over critical of my parenting now that we are taking on the task of trying to add another one (or two) to the family.  I sometimes feel like how can I consider adding one when I can't handle the two I have.  Yesterday was that day.  I felt like a crappy parent yesterday.  I don't know if it's the stress of the cycle or the extra estrogen floating in my bloodstream but I was a cranky little beast.  My wonderful toddlers were getting into mischief left and right.  We went to a playgroup in our neighborhood and I felt hopeful in getting to know my neighbors and isolated at the same time.  It helped to get out but I didn't return home all positive either.  I did what I tend to do when I feel cranky and want a break...through on some TV and distracted myself with some computer time.  Kendall crashed on the couch and Seren laughed at cartoons.  Then they were both awake and picking on each other for laughs.  Okay more like laughs for one and tears for the other.  This is their schtick lately...taking turns tormenting each other.  Needless to say lots of time outs and apologies have happened.

This time they both ended up in time out in their room.  A few minutes later the curtains and light-weight curtain rod came crashing down.  I got mad, swatted them on the butt and left them crying while I took my own time out (I always feeling like a stinker myself when I resort to any spanking).  Afterward, I stood them side by side and gave them a stern talk.  I tried to clear up who had pulled down the curtain and if both helped.  I still wasn't happy but at least I was calm.  At the end of the little talk I noticed that they had been holding hands between them.  They owned up to making a mistake and held hands while mom gave them the run down on not pulling down curtains and goofing off.  It was a cute little moment and reminder of their innocence to see them stick together.  

And hey today has been sooooo much better.  I've held onto some positive parenting.  I've gotten hugs from front and back at the same time from both my girls.  Running hugs.  Sitting hugs and double sitting hugs.  Maybe I'm not a terrible stinker of a parent in the long haul after all.  I love my girls.  So grateful that children are so forgiving and "forgetful" of our short comings as parents. 

Checking in

We are still just plugging away at this cycle.  The days keep going by and it seems to be quickly approaching.  Only two weeks left until our transfer.  By the end of the month we will know if there is any success.  Scared?  Yep.  Nervous?  Of course.  Excited?  Well that too.

I'm still preparing myself for both sides of the coin.  I don't know how you really prepare yourself for failure though.  The words associated with a cycle of that sort pretty much say it all:  negative, big fat negative, failure, non-successful, etc.  There isn't really a happy twist to it.  You try and you either succeed or fail at the attempt.  We do still have Kendall and Seren to keep us busy and happy.  They were our saving grace the first time around and they will be again if this time doesn't work.

We used to ask Kendall and Seren if they wanted to have a baby in the house.  They are almost 3 and little girls so of course they love babies (mostly their own).  They were undecided and we had our laughs at their little arguments to agree.  We asked them again when we decided to try whether they would want a brother or a sister.  The vote was split on this one also...Seren for a sister and Kendall for a brother (I hope they don't both get their wish).  But now that we are in cycle we don't mention or ask much.  I would love for them to have another sibling.  A lot of my desire for trying again stemmed from this idea of them having a little brother or sister.  Now we just have to wait and see.