How do our minds look in there?

You know what makes a couple nervous during this process? It's not the physicals or blood tests or exams. It's meeting with the psychologist. The one you think will "probe deep into your mind" as Jeff said and bring something up you aren't prepared for or haven't thought of. But things were actually pretty nice. Dr. C was a nice woman and although Jeff and I were both nervous to meet with her we felt good about it. She talked with us about how we'd come to pursue donor egg invitro and the positives and negatives of the possibilities. We talked about our plans if it were to work (disclosure, risk of twins, etc) and our plans if it were to not (ways we cope with stress, getting a dog or going on a vacation). There was only one question about privacy and how to talk about privacy with child that we hadn't thought about. Everything was just smooth. Even Dr C commented on how easily things had gone and I think so much of that is because of the time we've had to think it through and prepare to be at this point.

It was interesting and although there were some questions that brought out emotion I didn't cry which surprised me. We had a couple laughs over our dating story (China Night being a "trashy Chinese restaurant") and what our reaction might be over twins. It was somewhat surreal to talk more candidly about the genetic side but at the same time realizing I wasn't emotional over the loss anymore (at least not then) felt really good. It was weird to realize that this might actually work. It has a good chance of working. Yeah!! It got me more excited and nervous too. I can't express how much we hope this works. Once again I'm glad we've had time on our side. Time to work through things and to put things in place the way that we hoped. Just so excited for April. It's coming up so quickly.

Success rates and dogs

I have been keeping tabs on the SART website for recent success rates of ART. They usually post the previous recordable year around this time of year (2008; due to awaiting "results" of pregnancies from treatment). So I was hoping to see a steady number and pattern develop with UCRM. Instead the rate of success dropped. They went from 76% in 2007 to 56% in 2008 (for donor egg IVF). So on one hand it is a 20% drop and on the other it is still 10% higher chance than regular IVF. But it kind of spooked me on the idea for a few days. I felt like we had an almost equal chance of bringing home a dog then we did a baby. In honor of that here are the top 3 dogs we consider getting if it doesn't work (keeping myself balanced here):

1. Doberman Pincer (dominant but loyal dog...but usually better to train from a puppy age to be a family dog)

2. Weimaraner (loyal, affectionate, eager to please and beautiful eyes...Jeff thinks they look too human)

3. Beagle (medium size, cute, even tempered...Jeff says they are on the bottom of the list for smart dogs and I say at least that way Thor can outsmart it)

**although on a positive note I did some narrowing down based on diagnosis. POI/Diminished Ovarian Reserve seems to have a slightly higher success rate (64% for 2008) and overall highs of 87% in 2007 and averaging around 66% when you take out the really high in 2007 and really low in 2004 (2nd year recorded...none the 1st year). So we're still hoping with Jeff's stellar sperm and my "perfect" parts sans my ovaries that we might get lucky very soon. Two months and counting...Eeegads that is soon! Please God let it be.

Gratitude and fateful feelings...

Things are still plugging along and forward. We have been finalizing our math on the finances and I've been working on things with UCRM in regards to my medication and insurance coverage. Can you believe it...insurance actually covers some of my progesterone in oil shots (PIO) and covers 100% of the syringes/needles...at least from what I can tell. YEAH! They finally step up a little. And the estradiol that I will be taking is what I'm already on and I can get the generic of that from Target for cheap too. So my med costs are not so much a worry for me anymore at this point although I know the donor meds will still be a pretty penny.

Jeff received his bonus from work. Boy that was a downfall and not expected. His area of the bank had been doing better this year then last and last year they had said the bonus was "small" so this year we were expecting at least the same size bonus or even more. It was more like 1/4 or less of last year's bonus. Ughh :P I stressed out and began worrying about the money again and thinking of how now something would need to go on the credit card. I drove home from work and was teary and frustrated. Jeff came home just after I did and I was done being emotional as I didn't want to pass on stress or have him feel bad. We had received some Valentine cards from our parents and my parents had sent two cards. I had a feeling they had sent us some more money to add to the "baby fund" and I opened the cards. I read the card and turned over the check and the first words out of my mouth was "holy sh**". They had sent us quite a bit of money...more then I would've ever expected. But it was nearly exactly the amount we needed.  Jeff and I both were very surprised and we didn't really want to take it.  But I felt like this was someone watching out for us and however it worked knowing that we were a little short on funds now and providing. Parents have great intuition, maybe a little bit of a higher power or maybe a little fate. All I can say is we both felt gratitude beyond words.

I have felt a little more guilty about not sharing our timeline with our parents. We have not said anything to anyone (with the exception of me talking to my friend that has gone through IVF a number of times). Jeff's parents haven't asked about our plans for a family or had any inkling of things. My parents have only asked vaguely if we planned to do anything this year and I told them we weren't really sure. I feel bad for not sharing with them and some days I want so badly to tell them. But most days I feel better about keeping things close to the vest with Jeff and I. I don't want anyone worrying or waiting but us. Most of all...I would love to surprise them all. I know or at least really hope that no one has hurt feelings over this.

Just keep swimming...swimming...swimming

We got results back from my labs and Jeff's sperm hamster penetration test. So I wanted to throw up the Dory quote from Finding Nemo in honor of the sperm test. The penetration test is basically to find out if there will be any problem with Jeff's sperm penetrating the egg during the actual cycle. They take hamster egg(s) and mix them with his sperm to see if they can get the job done. And they did great. I'm sure they (the sperm) were a little disappointed it wasn't the real deal but we're grateful they gave their all just the same hehe So we can now count that down as a worry we don't have to worry about. Also my blood work and labs came back as a good to go too. We are go for launch. Our next appointment is with the psychologist for donor egg consult at the end of this month. I'm not too worried about that. We have been talking about this and working through this for the last two years. But I do think it will be good to talk to someone professionally and cover any concerns we might have.

We made it!

We have been adding up savings and other investments for over a year. Goodness we would have gotten here so much quicker if I would have stayed at DCFS but oh how I am grateful everyday (or at least every time I think about it) that I'm not working there. But we got our tax returns back and into savings yesterday. It puts us where we need to be. We now have a little over $13,000 in savings, plus money in my 401Ks, (hopefully Jeff's bonus) and then some money in stock. We are officially there. It feels good to be there finally. Plus it's a good thing we are because our DE IVF payment ($17, 100) is due at the end of March. Wow! It seems surreal. We finally get to go through with this. Hopefully (beyond hopefully) it will work. Both Jeff and I have hopes and belief that it will but we also keep each other grounded too. We have said that if it doesn't work that we will get another dog. So our way of reminding ourselves and each other is to also talk about what kind of dog we would get or that we may have a new dog this summer instead of a positive pregnancy test. We're hopeful though.

Grateful for time...

I was thinking the other night at work how grateful I am that I have been able to enjoy married life with Jeff without the additional stress and responsibility of kids. We have traveled and done a lot of fun things together that we wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. We have grown together and built a better relationship. I have really enjoyed it. And although I hope it isn't like this for a lot longer...maybe I would be okay. I hope it never comes down to forever without kids but at the same time to put so much focus on a kid makes it kinda seem like life isn't good enough without them. Life is good. Life might be better if and when we have a family but life is good right now too. I love Jeff and I love him more everyday. I am so grateful for him and for the time that we've had to grow.