New Year and New Cycle

My parents headed back home early this morning.  Our family had a New Years day meal together and enjoyed each other's company before saying our goodbyes.  The girls, Jeff and I said our goodbyes before heading to bed.  In the morning I heard Seren get up and talking to herself go into our guest room.  She stayed there for a minute or two and then wandered toward our room.  I called her in and she asked about Grandma B and Grandpa B.  I told her they had to go home and she pouted got upset a little.  I told her that we would see them again soon and she got upset and said "not soon...right now".  She was a sad little girl and I was sad too not being able to make it how she wanted.  Kendall slept in this morning and also was upset to learn they weren't here anymore.  I usually cry at my parents departing but this morning it was tears at the sight of my sweet girls being so disappointed.  We are hoping they will be able to move back close to their kids and grandkids soon (this year maybe...crossing fingers) if they can find a house they like.

As to matters regarding cycle, I hope that the new year means new changes.  I started the FET cycle on January 1st out of luck and my body's independence to do what it wants (I had one pill of provera left).  So we are basically on track for a transfer the week of January 20th.  I called the IVF nurses and set it up today.  I always find it interesting how I don't fall into the norm for even an IVF procedure.  I skip the birth control week(s).  I don't remember and have never dealt with "cycle day __?" so those questions always throw me off.  It usually ends up with me on hold while they clarify that it is indeed done this way.  I'm nervous.  I'm hopeful.  Definitely not high hopes this time though.  We went to the biopsy appointment (which wasn't that bad) and discussed the thawing of both straws and letting them try to grow but were told it wasn't necessarily beneficial and that history at the clinic and morulas would indicate that best odds if financially possible would be to thaw them one at a time.  The topic of transferring 3 was not really on the table this time.  I think Dr H has a memory or eye for the quality and forgets that those are not left.  So we'll see what advice is given on transfer day.  I am set up to transfer the week that he is on the schedule so that is good...how we would like it be so we get his advice at the last decision and not someone unfamiliar with our specifics and case.

That Darn Cat (continuation)...

I feel like I'm a stinker to complain about this.  I do love Jeff's parents and there are honestly no long-term hard feelings.  But I think we've learned that asking for privacy doesn't always mean you will get it, no matter how trusted the person is.

My hysteroscope appointment was yesterday.  We had asked Jeff's mom to watch the girls before we knew of the darn cat situation.  She said she might have Jeff's sister (the other half of my non-discreet brother-in-law) help with the girls since she isn't working currently due to health issues unrelated to infertility.  So the help was set and we just stuck with it.  Then yesterday we get a call and email from Jeff's sister saying she will be watching the girls on her own, as Jeff's mom couldn't get away from her church duties.  Fine.  I mean the information is already known to her.  Not really great that his mom didn't tell us but whatever.

The appointment was fine and everything came up in the clear.  Dr H called me during our drive home and I didn't catch some of the information he had (active natural killer cells? I don't know...don't know if it was even tested for).  He still suggests the steroid treatment as precaution.  So I have estrace and provera to take for 30 days and 10 days respectively and then they will do the odds-increasing biopsy during the 10 days on provera (sometime around or just after Christmas was my calculation...wahoo).  Then we'll call to get our FET calendar for January.

Anyway...back to the cat-bag situation.  I decide to ask Jeff's sister how they came to find out about our failed cycle when we get back from the appointment to pick up the girls.  I'm with it and actually pretty mellowed out about it.  We visit with her for a few minutes and then I ask in a non-accusing way and we get some weird side story about infertility testing with her and my brother-in-law.  Jeff redirects and says "No (brother-in-law) said something on Sunday to us that he/you should know nothing about.  How did you find out?"  And the truth comes out.  It wasn't a slip of the tongue or an accident divulging of information.  It was intentional.  Apparently his sister and mom were talking about her health issues and trials and Jeff's mom thought it was an opportunity to bring up other people's trials (namely ours) and our attempt to add to our family.  She says that her husband must have overheard it.  His sister claims she doesn't remember exactly what was said or how it came out.  She was worried about our feelings towards her and to Jeff's mom.  We had suspected Jeff's dad let it out so this was a twist for us.  I was pretty level headed and said there were no hard feelings to Jeff's sister at all and we weren't upset with her or her husband.  Jeff was a little more blunt and said though it wasn't their fault that we wouldn't be sharing information with his mom anymore and she would get the news with everyone else if we were to get pregnant.  This worried his sister again and she tried to explain that it was all out of love and concern (I have no doubt it was even though poorly handled).  She added that their family was the sort to talk things out when there are trials or things they want to help with.  Nobody talked it out with us or even informed us that we were being talked about though?  How quaint right?  We ask who else knows and she says probably the other sibling that frequents Sunday dinners but not the other three as far as she knows.  She mentions that they suspected due to the appointments or babysitting and Jeff's part-time job.  Jeff quickly corrected that the job was to pay off debt (which it was).  I don't remember everything else that was said.  His sister tried to make things right with Jeff and ask for his "silence", wondering if we would be talking to their mom.  Jeff said we probably would and his sister again expressed concern that she had said things about it that were told to her in confidence.  Uh yeah...that was my breaking point.  I retorted that we had also told his mom and dad things in confidence and asked that it be kept private and it wasn't.  Funny how that works.  Silence.  I think the point was taken and the conversation tapered off onto other casual things for a few minutes until we left.

I still feel bad that it was this sister that was found in the middle of it.  She has a very tender heart and is prone to worry so much already.  I know they are having a hard time with their own infertility struggles.  Maybe Jeff's mom meant it to comfort them but I can't imagine how it would.  I wouldn't want to hear about others attempts if I were in the middle of it and child-less still.  I empathize with them for sure and I want their success and happiness.  I talked with her a little before we left, while Jeff got the girls in the car.  She cried and felt bad and worried about it.  We hugged and I tried to tell her again that there were no hard feelings, especially with her and her husband.  I told her that things were not handled how they should have been or how we wanted them to be, but it wasn't their fault.  And that we were obviously going to be more cautious and protective of our own privacy.

Nothing else has came from it yet.  We haven't talked to Jeff's parents.  I imagine at some point we will but we aren't in the wrong.  We won't be making any apologies and I would hope that they don't expect any.

Cat Is Out Of The Bag...

We went to Jeff's parents for dinner last night.  We do this every other week typically.  While we were there Jeff asked about his parents watching the girls for the Friday appointment...I don't remember if it was all that secretive or who was around as I was in the other room.  Dinner went as usual and Jeff's sister and brother-in-law readied to leave.  I stood up and gave them both a hug goodbye and I get this somewhat cryptic farewell from my brother-in-law of "sorry your experiment didn't work".  I was confused and thought he was referring to some prank I'd tried on Jeff.  Nope.  A little nod of the head and his restating with tone of voice let me know that they were aware of our failed IVF attempt.  I looked at Jeff who looked just as bewildered as me.  I shrugged off the apology as to not make a big deal of things and went to the kitchen.  Jeff followed shortly after.  What the hell.  We had been pretty specific about our intentions of not telling any family members unless there was a success.  How specific can one really be in such a matter?  Why would you think it was okay to talk about it when we were specific that we didn't want it mentioned?

Oh and thanks for calling it an "experiment" because ya'know that's what it totally was.  My doctor is a mad scientist and we just gave them thousands of dollars to do an "experiment" on me.  Why don't you just call me a guinea pig while you're at it.  I mean really?  It was just handled all wrong by my brother-in-law.  If you want to mention that you know and express condolence you don't do it while the rest of the family at dinner is around.  And honestly you shouldn't even know about it so you shouldn't say anything at all.  My own siblings don't even know anything.

And I try to give Jeff's parents the excuse that maybe they are just trying to be sensitive or protective of this sibling as they are going through their own infertility struggle.  But guess what?  I don't know anything about their situation or what they are doing in regards to children.  So why do they all the sudden get to know our current situation.  Why is our privacy subject to some other rule?  And wouldn't it be more sensitive to not mention this to them unless something were to happen?

It just makes me wonder how many other people Jeff's parents have deemed privy to our private information.  It really bugs me.  Not that this sibling knows now because they weren't in control of what was told to them and it can't be untold.  But it really irks me that my in-laws thought it was okay to tell anyone when we asked nothing be said.

I guess that is how it goes when it takes a clinic and multiple people to even attempt getting pregnant.  Infertility just takes your privacy right out the window along with every other bit of normalcy that you had before.

Family of Four...

We are enjoying our little family of four.  It is interesting and definitely a world of difference when we are home at night.  We don't get out much I'm afraid.  Hopefully when the weather warms up more that will change.  I am so looking forward to spring and summer.  It's a nice day today and I'm pondering taking the girls out with me but they are sleeping and I don't want to throw them in their car seats just to go for a walk right now.  I do love the new stroller we got though (baby trend double snap and go) is going to be a huge investment I think.  And $75 is actually not bad for the purpose it'll serve...plus I plan to turn around and sell it second-hand when we're done with it.  I've gotten a number of things online for the girls lately (books, booster/high chairs and a play mat/gym).  I'm excited to try out the chairs and the mat.

The girls are getting bigger.  They both have double chins now and chubby cheeks.  So cute.  I'm guessing they are around 7 lbs or so each.  They are following us more with their eyes now and like to grab fingers (and hair...ouch) with their hands when we hold them.  We are just waiting for a real purposeful social smile still...they smile sometimes where it doesn't seem to be related to gas but they haven't started smiling back at us just yet.

Better...

I'm getting more excited about the holidays. Maybe because I'm wrapping up my shopping and there are presents under the tree. I always get excited to give presents to people and find a good gift for the hard-to-shop-for. I feel better about the holidays and I'm looking forward to them more now. My sister is spending Christmas with us and I'm excited about that and love to spend time with her. I feel lucky to be where I am and to have a warm home and a job and an education (continuing education even) and those are just touching on the blessing that are "things" and as they say...The greatest things in this world are not things.

I look forward to the coming year and to finish school and hopefully to come a few steps closer to our goal. Merry Christmas in the meantime :)

Our Christmas Decor...Andrea, Jeff, Michelle and Thor's stockings all hung with care...in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon will be there

Grateful for what I have...

I am very grateful for what I have in my life. I have a wonderful family, an incredible husband and more then enough blessings to be grateful for. I had a good Thanksgiving and enjoyed spending time with some of my family (sister, Aunts and Uncle) and also with Jeff's family.

I love spending time with and playing with my nephews and with Jeff's neices and nephews. I enjoy children and I enjoy feeling a little bit like a child when I play with them or explore new things with them. It makes me realize that I have the ability to care for and love little children even though they aren't mine. I think it also helps me realize that even if I'm never biologically related to my children that I will love them just as much. I don't know it just makes me feel good to be around little ones whereas before it made me feel I was missing out on something.

Some positivity...

I really do have life pretty good. I have a lot to look forward to in life and a lot of exciting things going on right now. We are in the middle of house shopping...the fun part of that is wearing thin but it's still something very exciting to look forward to. I am grateful for my family and to have good in-laws. I'm grateful to have such a good husband. I'm grateful for my friends who are always there when I need them. I do look forward to the day when we'll pursue having a family but in the meantime I am very happy with the family I have :)