Myth Busted: You were meant to go through this

Why do people think this is a supportive statement??  If I could say one thing to people who are trying to be supportive it would be:  Don't try to "fix" the problem.  Just express that you are sorry that person is facing such a thing and offer support.  I honestly think this would apply to many of life's crisis too.  I have no idea why people find it necessary to try to solve things that they can't.  It hurts to see someone you love hurting...yes.  It's uncomfortable at times to see them struggle...yes.  But do you have a magic wand or word that makes it go away...no.

For me this is not and was not helpful to hear.  Maybe for some it is.  I suppose maybe a better thing to say or do is just say you are sorry and ask what they need (to hear, to do, etc).  But for me I can't tell you the times I've been told that "God chose you to go through this because He knew you could do it" (they couldn't?) or "You are the type of person who was meant for this trial.  You would love a child any way it came to you" (they wouldn't?) or "He gives us trials to make us stronger and never gives us more then we can handle" (am I that weak to begin with?).  Truthfully living in a culture where religion is spliced together with every hardship you ever face was not helpful to me at the time.  Quite frankly I was already on bad enough terms with my maker after being diagnosed infertile that to hear people tell me He "chose" me for this grief really just made it worse.  Needless to say I wasn't really on speaking terms with God for some time and even now I'm just beginning to rebuild that relationship.

I have been blessed in the end.  My marriage was strengthened.  My appreciation of my babies is greater (and I love who they are and realize they wouldn't be if it weren't for the direction life took).  I did discover some inner strength.  I've been able to support others going through similar circumstance (trust me I've never told them they were "chosen" for it).  In general I've realized what a blessing children and family are and to truly empathize with those struggling to get there.  But I don't think that means I was "chosen" for this path.  We took a road less traveled and made the best of it we could.

I still don't think we are "chosen" for certain trials.  I think our lives are meant to follow a pattern of some sort I suppose but to say a higher power would purposefully put me through something like this makes me picture someone who is not how I picture Him to be.  Who knows, maybe I'll be proven wrong on the other side.

 Of course now in my thinking too I realize that there are things we can't prevent from happening to our children.  We try to protect them and guide them but sometimes bad things just happen.  Our purpose is to stand as a solid foundation and comfort to them when it does.  I suppose this is how I think of God.  He doesn't pick and choose my trials for me.  Sometimes they just happen.
___________________________________________________________

This post is in response to National Infertility Awareness Week.  Resolve has challenged bloggers to Bust a Myth regarding infertility.  Bring awareness of infertility by busting a myth yourself. 

Family of Four...

We are enjoying our little family of four.  It is interesting and definitely a world of difference when we are home at night.  We don't get out much I'm afraid.  Hopefully when the weather warms up more that will change.  I am so looking forward to spring and summer.  It's a nice day today and I'm pondering taking the girls out with me but they are sleeping and I don't want to throw them in their car seats just to go for a walk right now.  I do love the new stroller we got though (baby trend double snap and go) is going to be a huge investment I think.  And $75 is actually not bad for the purpose it'll serve...plus I plan to turn around and sell it second-hand when we're done with it.  I've gotten a number of things online for the girls lately (books, booster/high chairs and a play mat/gym).  I'm excited to try out the chairs and the mat.

The girls are getting bigger.  They both have double chins now and chubby cheeks.  So cute.  I'm guessing they are around 7 lbs or so each.  They are following us more with their eyes now and like to grab fingers (and hair...ouch) with their hands when we hold them.  We are just waiting for a real purposeful social smile still...they smile sometimes where it doesn't seem to be related to gas but they haven't started smiling back at us just yet.

Holiday Bah-hum-bug

I have to say that between being away from my parents and all the wanting-a-kid-that-I-can't-have right now and then not knowing if this time next year will be the same way or the year after that too and so on...I'm not a big fan of the holidays. It isn't as bad as it could be...it can always be worse right? I have a loving husband, a dog who is spoiled rotten and family who cares and that I can count on. Lately I just feel more like there is that missing piece and that I want more. I don't have crazy envy of those with children like I did the Christmas right after being diagnosed (man that was depressing). I just have anxiety. I worry that it will never happen, I worry about the possibility of it happening, I worry that I'll get my hopes up and they'll be deflated all over again.

The holidays and especially Christmas have so much to do with family and kids. I can completely see why it would be hard to go through the holidays without all of that in tow. I get the question of having kids more often lately. I guess after two years of marriage it's pretty common and harder (at least in LDS/Mormon culture) to pawn off on enjoying married life still, although I am. I also just have the feeling that those who aren't asking are assuming that something isn't right. I don't know which is worse being asked and able to throw out my defense mechanism answers of "oh goodness not yet" or "I want to finish school and get a real job first" or just being ignored altogether when it comes to the topic.

I'm also not really into the church related side of the holidays so much either. I believe in God and I believe in a plan to life and an afterlife and being with family and loved ones. But I don't want to be around those that just take it all for granted. I don't want to hear the lessons and lectures about family and how it's such a blessing. If it's such a blessing then does that mean Jeff and I have been cursed because we can't? If we're given trials to help us grow then why do I feel like, at least when it comes to church, that I have digressed so much? I don't know. I think it's good that we're taking time to figure this out and that I don't feel the pressure that I did to "have a family" and "being a mother is your most important role and calling" kind of thing that it felt like before. I hope it gets better eventually but right now I think I am fine giving God the silent treatment and I believe that if He loves us unconditionally and knows everything the way they say He does that He understands how we feel and still loves us and will be there when we want to talk again.

Strange Jealousy

I've been dealing with this for a while now. It's one of those things you don't pay attention to until you realize things will be different for you. I was diagnosed with ovarian failure/insufficiency in 2007 when I was 27. Since then Jeff and I got married (been married almost a year now) and for the first true time in my life I started feeling like I wanted a family someday. But because of my body failing we'll have to go about things quite differently in that area of life. The only reliable options for a family at this point are adoption or donor egg invitro... meaning I will genetically pass on nothing to my children.

I've started noticing more recently now how kids can look so much like their parents...I especially notice this with little girls that look so much like their mom. I used to imagine or picture this little girl I would have one day and how she would have my blue eyes or quirky smile. Now I realize I'll probably never have that and I'm insanely jealous of those that do. It seems like such a strange thing to be jealous of but I am. I hope that I'll come out stronger at the end of this trial because at the moment I feel like this has made me realize nothing but my weaknesses and they are many. Just my thoughts right now.