This is new...

Thanks to Brenda at Hope Springs Infertile: Now with two little sprouts I have my very first experience with blogging awards.  Thank you Brenda :)  Hmmmmm...so anyway according to my understanding I am to share 10 things about myself and then tag some fellow bloggers or recent blogs I've been following.  I also picked up a new blog to follow from Brenda's list (yeah...I love finding/following new people through connections)

10 Things About Me:

1.  I'm writing this at 11:16 pm as Brenda said to use my "spare time" hehe (twins are asleep and hubby is too)

2.  DH and I cleaned and spit-shined our house this past week/weekend in effort or contemplation of selling it.  Now we are in limbo deciding if we really want to list and I'm wondering how long the "clean" will stick.  Plus he owes me a Blondie for all the last minute clean-up today (you are my witnesses).

3.  I have recently tried to take up making smoothies for breakfast due to the fact Double Chocolate muffins from Sam's Club are 600 calories a piece :(  I'm hoping the smoothies are an improvement.

4.  I don't like competition or comparing.  I have a good friend who tries to compare her almost 3 month old's developmental milestones to my almost 5 month old twins.  The great thing I've found with twins is that I realize that babies develop differently...different strengths and aspects at different times.  No I don't think your kid is a genius for rolling over, sleeping, laughing or anything else.

5.  I have always wanted to test drive a mini-cooper.  I am 6'1" so I'm sure I would look ridiculous in one but it doesn't stop the dream.

6.  DH and I are planning a trip to Paris, France in May 2012.  I am excited but it hasn't set in and I worry about leaving our kiddos for 2 weeks...but the plan is already in motion.

7.  I am completely in love with my kids.  I do not regret for one iota of one second using DE IVF to have them.  They are precious and 100% mine.

8.  I am often reminded in blogger world how lucky I am and was to have had a smooth twin pregnancy.  I credit this to my height.  Some days I think strangely that maybe God made me tall cause he knew I would need it.

9.  I love cookie dough...I used to make batches of dough just to eat, then I discovered Pillsbury cookie dough tubes and was in heaven for a while.  Now I try to restrain myself because my metabolism is shot since radiating my thyroid and having POF/POI (ie major hormone malfunctions).

10.  I have the best husband in the world.  He puts up with a lot and does a lot and still tries to put up with and do more.  I am lucky in so many ways in my life.

My Blogs of Note:

Hope at  http://journey2eggdonation.blogspot.com/ (I enjoy reading about her journey and miracle daughter)
Amber at http://youandmenowiswe.blogspot.com/  (I just started following her and hope to hear more)
Amy at http://amy-ourjourneytobecomingparents.blogspot.com/ (let's face it this is a bribe to get you to post an update hehe)
Sweet Georgia http://babydancings.blogspot.com/ (I enjoy her perspective and similar time frame to mine)

Yah I'm really lame...I can't see anymore that haven't been awarded this already.  It's a small blog world apparently.  I apologize that most of the blogs I follow now are donor egg or contemplating donor egg or somewhere in that realm.  I really like to read the perspectives and experiences.  Thanks to everyone for sharing a special piece of your lives :)

Myth Busted: They won't want me if I can't have kids...

Infertility can strengthen a relationship.  Infertility can destroy a relationship.  For us, infertility was there from day one in our marriage.  I met my wonderful husband in August 2006 and began seeing my doctor at the end of that year, after skipping my period for four months .  I didn't know there was something wrong at the time.  Even with the proposition of POF by my doctor in early 2007 things in my life kept taking their course.  I mentioned to Jeff I was seeing the doctor for some issues but never imagined POF would really happen so I didn't tell him that part.  About the time that Jeff and I began talking about marriage and looking at rings and all of those fun things some not so "fun" news came.  My doctor wanted to do a last ditch effort of putting me on the pill for 6 months but it was fairly certain that I did have ovarian failure despite only being 26.  In May 2007 I decided I would lay all my cards out on the table to Jeff.  I couldn't have kids.  We weren't engaged and I didn't expect him to stay with me with this 99% certain diagnosis.  Jeff didn't balk.  I somewhat felt he was putting on a brave front or the "things will work out...it's just a fluke" that I felt up until then.  I told him that I wanted him to really think things through and understand what it would mean for us if he were to stay with me.  I basically gave him an out and told him I'd understand if he took it.   He agreed to think about it only at my request.  Infertility didn't stop things though and in June we were engaged and in October 2007 we were married.

Among wedding planning and newlywed bliss I think we both somewhat forgot about the impending truth.  At the end of November my prescription ran out and early December resulted in a blood draw and a final doctor's appointment.  Bring your husband.  It couldn't be good news.  I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure and basically no chance, beyond a miracle, of having kids on my own.  It really hit that time.  I was devastated and broke down in tears in front of my doctor and Jeff.  I felt betrayed by my body and like in some small way I had betrayed or tricked Jeff into marrying me.  I was depressed for months.  I went about my job as mindlessly as possible and then would come home emotionally exhausted.  For weeks, Jeff would come from work to find me in bed crying or sleeping.  I would cry myself to sleep.  He had no idea what to do for me.  He would lay down beside me and just hold me.  What else could be done.  As time passed things generally got better.  But we had our bad times too.  We had fights over it or things related to it.  There were a couple of time where I didn't know if we would make it through.  But we did.

I never once felt like Jeff didn't want to be with me be with me because of infertility.  For some I'm sure that was or is a determining factor.  For me it was only another reason to realize that he would love me no matter what.  I have been so greatly blessed by having such a wonderful man in my life that despite my pushing him away at times refused to leave.  I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am both in how he treats me and now in how he treats our girls.  I am so lucky.  We are so lucky to have him.

Sometimes I think how little we both knew about the real impact that infertility would have on us when we agreed to take it on together.  But together we did.  In the beginning I didn't want to burden him with my issues.  But that is the wonderful thing I've learned about marriage, it's pure design is so that husband and wife can help bear one another's burdens.  It doesn't mean the burden is lighter as a whole but it certainly helps to have someone sharing the load.

Romance and Lining Checks...

You wouldn't think these two things go together but during our weekend they did. Things have been progressing well. I was recently going through a discount card from my old job that was expiring next month and printing off coupons. I came across a local B&B that was offering a discount. I thought of how I wanted to surprise Jeff with something romantic and fun to show appreciation for the support he's been with the DE IVF appointments and just all the infertility stuff leading up to this. He's been my sanity and rock. Anyway I decided on a whim to schedule a night stay. I contacted Nurse G regarding schedule and any "conflicts". She advised we were to start abstinence the week prior to retrieval but other than that to have fun (I really like her a lot more now that I see she is organized and caring).

Anyway this left me with one weekend available to schedule this. I reserved a room (Venice...bed and couch are set in a "gondola" and other fun amenities) and then on Sunday morning while Jeff played a game on his computer I secretly packed a bag for us and got his work clothes ready for the next morning. Luckily for me we had agreed to dinner in Salt Lake that night and then Jeff suggested a "pointless drive" to cross another item off my list (it's fun that he's picking up interest in the list).

It went so smooth and he didn't suspect a thing. I drove on the way back "home" and even more luck struck and there was an accident on I-15 with expected delays so I told Jeff I was getting off the exit to avoid this. He didn't suspect anything until I missed the turn to head north still. It was perfect. He was surprised and appreciative and it was fun to be somewhere fun and relax...I love surprising him and treating him (okay treating us) to a relaxing time since I know the next few weeks will be worrisome and stressful. It was much needed.

We went to the lining check appointment the next day (everything looked good) and my ovaries are still raisins which was a relief for once. We were told the donor is responding well and although they don't know for sure yet she appears to be doing as well as her first two cycles. We also met with Nurse G and were given instruction on how to do the PIO shots (which should start Thursday) and now we are armed and hopefully ready for the next step. I think we're both getting more nervous but we're also hopeful.

My Supportive Hubby

Jeff and I watched a movie tonight called Couples Retreat. In the movie one couple is trying to talk three of their couple friends into going to a retreat for a group rate. The couple is having marital problems due to infertility and contemplating divorce over it. They say something like "it's been 12 long months" and Jeff and I just look at each other and laugh. It was humorous to us that they were making such a big deal out of 12 months. We have been dealing with this for 2 1/2 years (30 months) and there are so many people with longer and harder journeys.

Although I can totally relate that infertility can put a major stress on your marriage...I'm grateful it hasn't so much happened for us. Yes we've had our fights and emotional ups and downs but we've always stuck together. We've come out (so far) stronger and I'm so grateful to have such a support. A friend was telling me the other day that her husband went to his first ob/gyn appointment with her and that it would probably be the last. This surprised me as it's been a little while since her diagnosis (and I had assumed he went with her on those). I don't remember why, I just remember thinking how I was glad that wasn't me. Although I'm sure some appointments weren't so pleasant or comfortable for Jeff (some weren't for me either hehe) he has always been there with me. I think Jeff probably knows more about how a woman's body is supposed to work than the average woman. I can't imagine going through those kinds of appointments and bad news without someone to be there and supportive to me. I know her husband will be more supportive in the future and has been supportive in other ways but it just made me grateful for what I have.

Crossing the line?

I have been thinking about the upcoming cycle more lately. It's basically a month from now that they will have egg retrieval and a month and a half from now I could be pregnant. Oh heavens I hope I am. I think more of the positive side of things and how good the chances are for someone with POI to get pregnant with donor eggs (usually the lack of eggs is the only thing holding them back). But I also stay realistic and realize it may not work. This morning I got ultra-hopeful though and actually looked up a hypothetical due date (if things were to go perfectly). It would be mid-January for a singleton and end of December if twins. I kind of hope to at least get into January if twins happen...I was hoping to avoid a Christmas baby. Man I hope I'm not crossing the line or jinxing us by thinking that far ahead...I'm sure it is a little crazy. I guess if it doesn't work this will be one of the first posts I will just delete. I don't think I'd want to be reminded of my craziness or the hypothetical that isn't needed.

I also have days with strange thoughts where I will just think of Jeff and I being child-free the rest of our lives. Or that maybe I will start doing foster care or shelter care. I always admired the families that did that when I worked for DCFS. I still don't know how I feel about adoption. I think I'm just so engrossed in the middle of this that I don't think on it. I would love to have kids but it doesn't terrify me to think of my life with Jeff and not having kids. I very much want to have a family with Jeff but if it doesn't happen I know we will find a new focus and outlook. Travel, photography, service or life as a hermit/recluse (HAHA only kidding). I really just hope we can get what we have worked towards though.

My greatest blessing...

My greatest blessing right now is Jeff. Having a husband who supports me no matter what and never complains is the biggest blessing. He doesn't complain about the fact that money is tighter now with me going back to school and that we can't afford things like we did before. He doesn't complain that my time is spent with work and school for the most part. He is just always very supportive and patient with me. I love him so much and I'm so grateful to have him in my life. We talked a while back about how things were and we were with POI before we got married. He told me that when he was thinking about marrying me that he thought of how POI could mean we might never have kids AT ALL (on our own or with DE IVF or adoption). He wanted to be with me despite all of that. How many women can be ironically "lucky" enough to know that...that their husband loved them enough even faced with that type of possibility that they still stuck by their side. I love Jeff so much and I'm so grateful that we're in this life together!!

Despite my complaints...

I have little to really truly complain about despite that I do complain. I suppose I've been thinking this due to amount of complaining that I read on infertility boards that I belong to. I already feel or know that I can't change my situation so why be bitter or begrudge people who aren't faced with infertility. Yes I still hold ill feelings toward the women who abuse or neglect their children and I even have moments when I think that parents who have their kids repeatedly taken away and parental right terminated should be sterilized. Perhaps that is another part of the reason why I am quitting my job (I work child protective services and see the worst of parents). But in the end complaining doesn't solve my situation. The only thing that solves my situation is to make the best of it. That's what we're doing. Jeff and I make the best of what we have and I think we do a fine job of it. I am grateful for a strong marriage and a good husband.

I don't enjoy reading or hearing of how women with infertility feel it's injustice that a unmarried girl got pregnant or a woman with one child already that can't keep an immaculate house doesn't deserve to have another. These women didn't get pregnant to spite you. It's just how the cards fell. I'm sure there are many things that we just don't understand in this life. But I really don't think that focusing on another's blessings will help us to realize our own. To realize our own blessings we have to keep our focus inward and our faith upward. I hope that I can do that.

Grateful for what I have...

I am very grateful for what I have in my life. I have a wonderful family, an incredible husband and more then enough blessings to be grateful for. I had a good Thanksgiving and enjoyed spending time with some of my family (sister, Aunts and Uncle) and also with Jeff's family.

I love spending time with and playing with my nephews and with Jeff's neices and nephews. I enjoy children and I enjoy feeling a little bit like a child when I play with them or explore new things with them. It makes me realize that I have the ability to care for and love little children even though they aren't mine. I think it also helps me realize that even if I'm never biologically related to my children that I will love them just as much. I don't know it just makes me feel good to be around little ones whereas before it made me feel I was missing out on something.

Some positivity...

I really do have life pretty good. I have a lot to look forward to in life and a lot of exciting things going on right now. We are in the middle of house shopping...the fun part of that is wearing thin but it's still something very exciting to look forward to. I am grateful for my family and to have good in-laws. I'm grateful to have such a good husband. I'm grateful for my friends who are always there when I need them. I do look forward to the day when we'll pursue having a family but in the meantime I am very happy with the family I have :)

One year older and wiser...

My birthday was on October 5th. I had a good birthay and I don't mind being 28. I like the look of it...but that may be my preference towards even numbers coming out. Anyway they finally assigned a negotiator to the house we made an offer on...maybe things will work out afterall. I hope so....will keep you posted :)

Jeff sent me flowers to work for my birthday....

I am so lucky...

I am so lucky to have married the man I did. He truly is my best friend. Jeff is so selfless and always willing to do anything for me. I want to learn to be more like that. He is so patient and kind. He's never made me feel bad for my weaknesses or second best to anything (okay he loves his video games alot...but I know with a simple request he's right there). I don't know how many men would have stuck by my side during the last year. I'm sure it wasn't fun a month into marriage to have to deal with a depressed bride and constant tears and different bouts with emotion. But he has been my biggest support and I don't know how I could have made it through so "gracefully" without him. I appreciate him so much and admire so many things about him. He makes me laugh all the time and I can say or do anything around him. He is always willing to help around the house and make dinner...even more so now that my work hours have changed. He is always there for me even when I think I can do it on my own...yes I'm the stubborn one. He is the best and ever will be the best thing to ever happen to me.

House Hunting

Jeff and I are excited to begin looking at houses (again) hehe Things are looking on the up and up this time around and we're hoping to find something we really love. We're looking anywhere from Bountiful to Layton with different things to consider with each. I'm excited to get into a home. And more then anything right now I'm excited for a DISHWASHER :) It'll be awesome.