Not Feeling It...

I'm good at keeping secrets.  I really am.  So I hope Jeff will let this one slide since the only real life family or friends that read this is my parents.  And since they now know I figure it's only fair to let my online support group in on it too.  So far so good.  According to a few different home pregnancy tests everything was successful.  I am pregnant.  And I definitely am not feeling it so every one of those tests is like "really?" "are you sure?" for me.  I have a little bloat and I'm typically cold all the time but nothing else is new.  I didn't feel very different with the girls either so I guess I shouldn't expect much.  And honestly I hope it goes down the road I had with them...easy pregnancy with no morning sickness, no blood pressure problems, etc.

How pregnant?  Well I dared to test 4 days post transfer and it came up a few minutes later...so we're a little worried about it being more than one.  Only time will tell.  Also, we should have beta results tomorrow (two days earlier than planned).  Since my hives came back the nurse wants to check my hind side and clear me to keep using this oil prescription.  Honestly I'm not sure I'll have hives to report.  I seem to be back in the clear with the new leave the needle in, quickly take it out and wipe area down with an alcohol swab method.  But am I going to pass up an earlier test?  Heck no. So yeah!! for now.

Hives Are Back...

Well the hives are back.  Not with vengeance as of yet but annoying still.  We had a few bleeders in a row from the last couple shots.  The shots from Saturday and Sunday left decent bruises and swelling around it.  I thought maybe the bruise was causing me to itch but it would appear to be another hive.  So fun!  I was missing those guys.  I looked up hive prevention and read that anytime that progesterone oil came in contact with skin that it could cause irritation.  The person recommended cleaning the area again after a shot and putting a bandaid on, saying this fixed her hives.  So I emailed our clinic with the problem and my plan.  They said they would need to check my progesterone absorption and we could switch oils again if my efforts weren't helpful.  We also left the needle in for a little bit after the injection was done (as the nurse recommended last time) and taking the needle out swiftly.  Both seemed to help cause less blood and less oil leaking.  I cleaned it with an alcohol swab and slapped a band aid on it.  This morning I had no hive from that shot (yeah!!) but a nice red band aid mark after removal.  Really universe?  You can't give me a break.  I'm just glad it seems to be a way to help with this issue and thought I'd share in case anyone else comes across this problem.

Out of Our Hands...

Well Jeff is off with the girls at an indoor playground and I'm laying around on the couch kind of wishing I'd fall asleep. But with no such luck I decided to update here.

We thawed four embryos and three survived. One was given very poor odds but we were given the choice to transfer all three if we really wanted to based on that. Still given a rough ball park of 10% chance of triplets we opted not too (maybe that number was just to scare us out of it haha).  Dr H told us if this cycle was unsuccessful and we had three survive next time as well that he might recommend doing all three. But we decided to transfer the remaining two which were rated fair and poor. Both had assisted hatching done with the thaw. We were given a 40% chance ballpark estimate.  Much more realistic than the last FET which was nice to not have hopes unrealistically high.  Also not sure if our other efforts are factored into hopeful success... I hope not.  I am hopeful/wishful that it's a slightly higher chance with those involved.  Anyway transfer was fine and now we just wait.  Ughhh the dreaded wait.

Anybody with assisted hatching success stories or information?? I'm reading both sides of the coin that it can be good or bad.  I wasn't expecting it to be done so just been reading up a little.

What I'm Doing Different...

They always tell you going into transfer to not do anything that you will look back and regret doing if the cycle doesn't work.  I usually live by that rule.  That and the first two days being really mellow.  The failed cycle I felt so sure on and so not worried about things that by late the day after transfer or maybe the next day I went to the grocery store for a few snacks and just to get off my butt.  I definitely don't blame those things but I wouldn't do that again.  I had the good twinges and assurance when I went and after I got home.  It wasn't until the hives happened that everything felt wrong and like nothing was going on.

Which, side note, no hives yet.  We're only down one shot but it left no marks or lumps or irritation.  Hoping it stays this way.  The sesame oil shots last time didn't cause hives for the first nearly-week.  I think I remember getting slight lumps before transfer from them but I just assumed it was due to the bigger dose (I can't remember what our dose was on the PIO the first cycle though).  Anyway, for this cycle the olive oil was compounded at a local pharmacy so the concentration of progesterone is higher, therefore we only have to do 1 ml doses.  Yeah!  I hope between it being olive oil and a smaller physical dose that reactions will be none or at least minimal.

But I still plan to sit on my butt for 3 days.  I don't want to take any small chance.  I won't be downing gatorade or water like a mad woman as I read that this is mostly advised for fresh IVF cycles to avoid ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS).  I plan to still eat some pineapple because #1 I love fresh pineapple and #2 What I remember reading on this is that it has more to do with the lining or something.  So why not?  But mostly the plan just revolves around trusting the new medication regimen, possibly probably putting two embryos back this time (if we have them) and just taking it really easy.

This has led to a frenzy of house cleaning and laundry doing prior to Tuesday.  I will not do laundry or cleaning or anything of that sort on transfer day or the two days after.  I plan to have PB sandwiches and premade type lunches and lots of TV time with my girls and basically be a bum.  Jeff is of course fine with this and encourages it.

Anyway on with the show.  I'll post a short update the day of transfer but other than that I'm hoping to stay away from the computer and Dr Google for the next two weeks.  Thanks for all the support.

Popping Pills...

This cycle isn't all that different but I've been trying to keep track of all the pills I'm supposed to pop and when.  Seriously?  How do people ever keep it straight when it comes to more complicated stuff?  I have my regular thyroid medicine, my estrogen (2 or 3 times a day depending on the week), the steroids/prednisone (anti-auto immune), the doxycycline, the PIO shots, plus low-dose aspirin that I decided to throw in on my own after reading and research.  Oh and my prenatal vitamins...can't forget those.  Luckily the steroids and doxy will only be with me for five days and two days respectively but still.  It's become quite the list.

I will have my lining check ultrasound tomorrow and most likely the transfer will be a week from tomorrow.  We traded out the sesame seed oil for olive oil and boy do I hope that does the trick with the progesterone shots.  If I have hives and everything again I'm going to be one nervous lady.  I don't want to be switching between medication to find one that works.  So if the cycle works and the hives happen but my levels are fine I may just have to itch and deal.

I still don't have high hopes on this working.  Maybe I'll feel a little more optimistic once they thaw and transfer is complete.  I hope that we have at least a couple decent looking embryos but who knows.  Logically I don't know if I really want to do another cycle but emotionally I don't know if I could let it go if this one doesn't work.  We would only have one more shot after this.  So yah I probably couldn't let go of that "last chance".  I guess I shouldn't even look that far ahead and just focus on this one and the possibility of positive results.  We have a few things working on our side this time.  The biopsy that is supposed to increase chances of implantation and the prednisone that might be able to tell my immune system to "back the hell off" being the two biggest ones.  If it weren't for that change in our protocol I'm not sure I'd give it any better hope than the last one.  Nothing to do but pop pills, stab needles, keep going and wait it out.

Disclosure and Other Thoughts...

As Kendall and Seren develop such an amazing vocabulary and understanding of things around them I find myself thinking a little more about the disclosure of donor egg.  I suppose that has a little to do with my recent thoughts on the subject also.  I know it's not urgent and I know it will come with time on it's own.  After all what barely-three-year-old really asks or wonders how they came to be.  Maybe some do but our girls are far too busy with other things.  Those who have children old enough what has been your first step in talking about it? and at what age?

Sometimes when we talk about them as babies and how small they were we'll talk about how they were in my belly.  Or when they see pictures of little babies on my friends' Facebook pages I will talk about how they were once so small.  They like to hear about it and see their baby pictures.  But so far words beyond "mommy and daddy had some special people help us to have you" haven't been needed.  Their story is so near and dear to my heart.  I always have overwhelming gratitude to this woman we'll never know and to the doctors and process that made it possible for me to experience pregnancy and for us to be parents to our amazing girls.  I can't think of the events and people who made it possible without getting emotional.  Our journey wasn't easy but it was so beyond meant to be.  

Yesterday, I found myself reading about POF/POI on the Stirrup-Queen's blog diagnoses section.  It states "autoimmune diseases producing anti-thyroid (Graves’, Hashimoto’s) or anti-adrenal (Addison’s) antibodies often result in creating anti-ovarian antibodies thus inducing POF". Although I've often believed something to this effect as well as my RAI (radioactive iodine) treatment of Graves being tied to my POF this is the first real tie together of the two that I've seen.  It was almost a relief to feel more justified in this belief.  The fact that my body attacked itself still upsets me.  That the only thing I have to blame for my infertility and dependence on thyroid medicine and HRT is myself.  My body which can't seem to discern between my own cells or endocrine system and foreign bodies (however exactly it happens with autoimmune issues). Of course in the next breath and thought I have to be extremely grateful for my body.  It did what it was supposed to do in getting pregnant and carrying twins to nearly full-term.  It brought me my greatest blessings and these perfectly made children.  I try not to bad-mouth my body for that reason but it frustrates me to rely on medication and worry about health problems that may arise due to this.  I guess we all have our faults though right.  

Blah-Like Thoughts...

I always think about it.  The money aspect.  The money that goes into trying.  Money for drugs.  Money for appointments, ultrasounds, procedures, etc etc.  It seems like there is just one big hole sometimes.  Granted the first $22,000 brought us blessings beyond measure and to a point where we can take less expensive chances.  But it still makes my head spin when I realize that other couples don't spend anything in the process of creating their families.  Not with infertility though.  So expensive.  And yet I feel like I shouldn't complain too.  I know of so many who spend so much more with nothing to show for it.  I feel lucky that we were doing well enough with our finances to have taken our first chance with success.  I suppose the frozen cycles have been harder different to plan for as we have tried to pull money together more quickly.  This has left us saying "well we still have less debt than a lot of people" and hoping that it's worth it.   But I always find myself thinking about the other things the money could be used for.  Like today as I cleaned house I thought of how it would be nice to have new carpet to get rid of stains and wear or to finish our basement but nope that will have to wait.  Heck I'd settle for just having some money in our savings for a rainy day.  But I guess this is our "rainy day".  A few more weeks and we'll know if its a monsoon or a sprinkle.

It may seem horrible of me too but I've been noticing more articles that bother me about pregnancy and parenting the old fashioned way.  Things like you both love each other so much that you want to create this child who is a perfect blend of both of you.  That you see your chin, nose or even features that you never liked about yourself in a child and all the sudden you love that feature.  I guess for some stupid sub-conscious reason it feels like these people just maybe experience a deeper connection to their children than I have with my own.  Like I said silly and probably selfish train of thought that has followed reading these things.  I know I'm not missing anything in reality.  I know a greater love for my girls than I ever really hope to understand.  But the feeling and thought still happens like a tiny little pin prick in my mind or heart.  I don't really miss them looking like me.  I don't notice them looking like anyone in particular most of the time even though Kendall very strongly resembles my husband.  I know they both pick up on my idiosyncrasies and way of thinking/being and that how I parent them is shaping the very most important part of their being.  But the little twinge still sometimes comes up.  I didn't think it would again.  And although it's still very rarely it bugs me that I even give it a minute of my thought.  I imagine it's primarily due to the pursuit of another munchkin and revisiting all of my health issues that make our conception story so unique.  I know it's not a short coming on their part or my own and I'm sure there are other sides of the coin to worry about when you find yourself with a mini-me to parent.  I hope to and imagine that if we are successful that the thoughts will again fade into the background.  And if we aren't I know that it will be in the far reaches of mind again.  And leave no doubt, I am still very much wanting another sweet baby who will be as much a part of my heart and soul as my sweet girls are.

New Year and New Cycle

My parents headed back home early this morning.  Our family had a New Years day meal together and enjoyed each other's company before saying our goodbyes.  The girls, Jeff and I said our goodbyes before heading to bed.  In the morning I heard Seren get up and talking to herself go into our guest room.  She stayed there for a minute or two and then wandered toward our room.  I called her in and she asked about Grandma B and Grandpa B.  I told her they had to go home and she pouted got upset a little.  I told her that we would see them again soon and she got upset and said "not soon...right now".  She was a sad little girl and I was sad too not being able to make it how she wanted.  Kendall slept in this morning and also was upset to learn they weren't here anymore.  I usually cry at my parents departing but this morning it was tears at the sight of my sweet girls being so disappointed.  We are hoping they will be able to move back close to their kids and grandkids soon (this year maybe...crossing fingers) if they can find a house they like.

As to matters regarding cycle, I hope that the new year means new changes.  I started the FET cycle on January 1st out of luck and my body's independence to do what it wants (I had one pill of provera left).  So we are basically on track for a transfer the week of January 20th.  I called the IVF nurses and set it up today.  I always find it interesting how I don't fall into the norm for even an IVF procedure.  I skip the birth control week(s).  I don't remember and have never dealt with "cycle day __?" so those questions always throw me off.  It usually ends up with me on hold while they clarify that it is indeed done this way.  I'm nervous.  I'm hopeful.  Definitely not high hopes this time though.  We went to the biopsy appointment (which wasn't that bad) and discussed the thawing of both straws and letting them try to grow but were told it wasn't necessarily beneficial and that history at the clinic and morulas would indicate that best odds if financially possible would be to thaw them one at a time.  The topic of transferring 3 was not really on the table this time.  I think Dr H has a memory or eye for the quality and forgets that those are not left.  So we'll see what advice is given on transfer day.  I am set up to transfer the week that he is on the schedule so that is good...how we would like it be so we get his advice at the last decision and not someone unfamiliar with our specifics and case.