Man, I am paranoid...

and I hope it's for nothing. Jeff and I began talking about the ob/gyn appointment last night (our schedules and whether they would do an ultrasound or not). I worry that they won't. I am still worried about the babies and wonder if my stomach bug did them any harm. I have talked to Jeff about it and the fact I worry that one or both won't have a heartbeat now. He thinks that I am paranoid and he is good natured about reminding me that I am getting pudgier (I don't really think so for twins) and that just because I'm not puking, exhausted or starving doesn't mean anything is wrong (giving me examples of my mom, who apparently wasn't sick with any of us, and my friend Brooke who was not sick with either of her sets of twins either).

But the paranoia must have rubbed off because I had at least a couple of dreams last night where we went to the ob/gyn appointment and they did an ultrasound and in one dream there were nothing but empty sacks (no babies) and the other there were no heartbeats. Needless to say not the most restful of nights.

Only a few more days and I can hopefully find I have nothing to worry about. If Dr L doesn't give me an ultrasound I believe I'll express my concerns over lack of morning sickness and early on stomach bug and see if I can sway her otherwise. Hopefully they will just plan on doing one though. Crossing fingers until then.

PS As to a 9 week update...nothing is new really. I feel bloated sometimes which I guess is good. The nectarine(s) that I so looked forward to eating made me throw up...so I gave the rest to Jeff and he said they didn't taste right either and we threw them away :P

Wishing time would move...

I'm wishing time would move quicker to our appointment with the ob/gyn on the 17th. I have been feeling less pregnant and a little more worried. I still don't feel not pregnant so that's good. But I have no morning sickness and only the slightest twinges of nausea (come on with twins...is this normal?) and I'm not overly tired or hungry like so many women say they get.

Jeff and I went out to see my friend Brooke and her twin boys be blessed at church over the weekend. They are so cute. Brooke and her husband are excited for us and gave us little tips (it's weird to have more interaction with people in person who know about it...even though it is still only 6 people). They were sweet. I also talked to Brooke about not feeling sick or overly anything else and thank goodness the girl had the same sort of experience with both her sets of IVF twins. She said she didn't really get sick with either of them and things didn't kick in til a little later for her with other stuff. She reassured me she thought it was fine and I felt a lot better. I'm sure it's all fine. But I'm really just anxious to see the kiddos still and see that they are on target. I have these horrible thoughts sometimes that we'll have the ultrasound and there won't be a heartbeat anymore or they will have stopped growing. Stupid brain needs to shut off at times like that. Generally I feel good though so we'll stick to that.

One more week...

I am still feeling minimally pregnant. I am still cold and still a little crampy and tender but other than that nuttin. Sometimes I feel like my sniffer is starting to kick into high gear...like when the broccoli in the kitchen trash made me want to dry heave. Okay and so I am nauseous to certain things (seemingly more then I remember). Like I killed a spider tonight and I was dry heaving at the guts and clean up. But all in all I do not feel pregnant. Some days I feel like the transfer and everything was just a dream and nothing is really going on in there. I hope I'm wrong and things are progressing all sorts of normal. My baby calendar widgets are all over the place but I'm actually only hitting a little over 5 weeks I guess so still hoping it's just too soon to feel very different. Jeff thinks I'm a little paranoid and thinks everything is fine. Thank goodness for the voice of reason. I'm sure he is right.

Appointments...

I set up an appointment with UCRM for our viability ultrasound. We will officially get to see the kiddo(s) on May 24th. I am excited and it makes it seem more real but it still doesn't officially feel real. I am hoping for a good solid feeling and ultrasound on the 24th and wanting to tell our parents. Jeff is having fun having a secret from everyone but I am excited to share with family (prob only parents for now) and especially my parents who I feel have been openly pulling for this.

I also set up an appointment with my old ob/gyn Dr L. I am excited to be returning to her. I really liked her during my regular appointments and really found such appreciation and fondness for her and how she dealt with my POI diagnosis. I am excited to be able to go back and be pregnant and hopefully have her deliver the kiddo(s) someday too. We have that appointment on June 17th and I'll be 10 weeks at that point. Crazy!

I am still very nervous about telling anyone else and how to deal with things. I'm particularly worried about telling my good friend. I am not sure how I will go about it. I figure that I should tell her around the same time that we tell our parents so that she doesn't feel we were hiding it from them. But I'm so worried about offending her or hurting her. I even had a weird dream the other night that I didn't tell her until the babies were born (in my dream we had twins). I hope I can figure out a sensitive way to go about telling her. And as much as I thought about the day I'd be saying "I'm pregnant" on facebook (haha I know weird fantasy) I don't so much think I will make news of it there now. I have just been thinking about all of the friends I have on there that have infertility issues (or possible issues) and have lost babies and how I wasn't always happy to read news of others announcing their pregnancy. I think I will keep things private there...as in you will have to directly check my page or pictures to know about it.

Uncertain feelings...

I have been feeling confident with things until today. I've felt crampy and bloated since the transfer (all can be linked to the PIO) and soreness started before transfer with the shots so that was kinda nice in a weird way. Today I've been feeling like I don't feel any different than that and I've found it discouraging. I still hope that things work but I've felt worried and been emotional about it not. It's been fun to picture and talk with Jeff about the positive side of things. Then feelings like this come up and it feels like it's all going downhill. I said I wouldn't get nutty about the 2 week wait and I've been great until today. This sucks! Good thing school and work will be back on again tomorrow so that I'll have things to keep me busy.

Worries...

I am just feeling worried about things right now. I'm worried about my job...or lack thereof. I know that quitting DCFS was the right thing to do but I'm stressed that I don't have a concrete plan of attack now. I'm worried about money...money to get by, money to save and money that is in savings and if it will be able to stay there. I realize I'm just getting discouraged and I know it'll be okay and better in the long run.

We also have an appointment with the egg donor specialist on Monday. We aren't planning to pursue anything anytime soon but we want to get a better idea of what we are getting into. I'm not sure how I will take the appointment. I don't think I've had a doctor's appointment regarding POF that I haven't cried at. I want to know what to expect and I want to be excited about all of these things but I'm just really nervous too.