Attitude of Gratitude...

Sometimes when we have hard times or find ways to think our life might not be completely fair it's easy to forget our blessings.  I feel like I've been doing that lately.  Worrying and focusing on my frustrations with infertility again.  I've been able to "forget" it or pretend it away for the last few years with my girls and so starting up again with the hope and desire for a success and a new child has opened a lot of previous emotion, thinking and feelings again.  Dislike for my body, disappointment in our situation, fear of being a failure again...you know the list.

But I am so often reminded of my blessings too.  As I look forward to the excitement my girls show for Thanksgiving dinners (Kendall wants to eat the "whole turkey") and Christmas lights that are turning on it reminds me I have all I ever wanted.  I am grateful to go into this holiday season with my family, immediate and extended.  I am going to try to keep this attitude of gratitude and be grateful (and not worry) throughout the rest of this year and hopefully into next.  Happy Thanksgiving to anyone reading this!

*don't know if all the stats are right but the message is still true*

That Darn Cat (continuation)...

I feel like I'm a stinker to complain about this.  I do love Jeff's parents and there are honestly no long-term hard feelings.  But I think we've learned that asking for privacy doesn't always mean you will get it, no matter how trusted the person is.

My hysteroscope appointment was yesterday.  We had asked Jeff's mom to watch the girls before we knew of the darn cat situation.  She said she might have Jeff's sister (the other half of my non-discreet brother-in-law) help with the girls since she isn't working currently due to health issues unrelated to infertility.  So the help was set and we just stuck with it.  Then yesterday we get a call and email from Jeff's sister saying she will be watching the girls on her own, as Jeff's mom couldn't get away from her church duties.  Fine.  I mean the information is already known to her.  Not really great that his mom didn't tell us but whatever.

The appointment was fine and everything came up in the clear.  Dr H called me during our drive home and I didn't catch some of the information he had (active natural killer cells? I don't know...don't know if it was even tested for).  He still suggests the steroid treatment as precaution.  So I have estrace and provera to take for 30 days and 10 days respectively and then they will do the odds-increasing biopsy during the 10 days on provera (sometime around or just after Christmas was my calculation...wahoo).  Then we'll call to get our FET calendar for January.

Anyway...back to the cat-bag situation.  I decide to ask Jeff's sister how they came to find out about our failed cycle when we get back from the appointment to pick up the girls.  I'm with it and actually pretty mellowed out about it.  We visit with her for a few minutes and then I ask in a non-accusing way and we get some weird side story about infertility testing with her and my brother-in-law.  Jeff redirects and says "No (brother-in-law) said something on Sunday to us that he/you should know nothing about.  How did you find out?"  And the truth comes out.  It wasn't a slip of the tongue or an accident divulging of information.  It was intentional.  Apparently his sister and mom were talking about her health issues and trials and Jeff's mom thought it was an opportunity to bring up other people's trials (namely ours) and our attempt to add to our family.  She says that her husband must have overheard it.  His sister claims she doesn't remember exactly what was said or how it came out.  She was worried about our feelings towards her and to Jeff's mom.  We had suspected Jeff's dad let it out so this was a twist for us.  I was pretty level headed and said there were no hard feelings to Jeff's sister at all and we weren't upset with her or her husband.  Jeff was a little more blunt and said though it wasn't their fault that we wouldn't be sharing information with his mom anymore and she would get the news with everyone else if we were to get pregnant.  This worried his sister again and she tried to explain that it was all out of love and concern (I have no doubt it was even though poorly handled).  She added that their family was the sort to talk things out when there are trials or things they want to help with.  Nobody talked it out with us or even informed us that we were being talked about though?  How quaint right?  We ask who else knows and she says probably the other sibling that frequents Sunday dinners but not the other three as far as she knows.  She mentions that they suspected due to the appointments or babysitting and Jeff's part-time job.  Jeff quickly corrected that the job was to pay off debt (which it was).  I don't remember everything else that was said.  His sister tried to make things right with Jeff and ask for his "silence", wondering if we would be talking to their mom.  Jeff said we probably would and his sister again expressed concern that she had said things about it that were told to her in confidence.  Uh yeah...that was my breaking point.  I retorted that we had also told his mom and dad things in confidence and asked that it be kept private and it wasn't.  Funny how that works.  Silence.  I think the point was taken and the conversation tapered off onto other casual things for a few minutes until we left.

I still feel bad that it was this sister that was found in the middle of it.  She has a very tender heart and is prone to worry so much already.  I know they are having a hard time with their own infertility struggles.  Maybe Jeff's mom meant it to comfort them but I can't imagine how it would.  I wouldn't want to hear about others attempts if I were in the middle of it and child-less still.  I empathize with them for sure and I want their success and happiness.  I talked with her a little before we left, while Jeff got the girls in the car.  She cried and felt bad and worried about it.  We hugged and I tried to tell her again that there were no hard feelings, especially with her and her husband.  I told her that things were not handled how they should have been or how we wanted them to be, but it wasn't their fault.  And that we were obviously going to be more cautious and protective of our own privacy.

Nothing else has came from it yet.  We haven't talked to Jeff's parents.  I imagine at some point we will but we aren't in the wrong.  We won't be making any apologies and I would hope that they don't expect any.

The Cute Factor...

They are stinking cute right?  Okay bragging (just a little).  Is it still considered bragging when I probably had nothing to do with how cute they are?  It probably is haha  Love these two.  I've been working on my little Etsy shop and took some pictures tonight for a new listing of child aprons that I made for a boutique with my friend.  Kendall and Seren hammed it up for the camera.  They loved the aprons (Christmas present?? I think a definite yes).  Anyway just admiring the cuteness and thought I would share.

Cat Is Out Of The Bag...

We went to Jeff's parents for dinner last night.  We do this every other week typically.  While we were there Jeff asked about his parents watching the girls for the Friday appointment...I don't remember if it was all that secretive or who was around as I was in the other room.  Dinner went as usual and Jeff's sister and brother-in-law readied to leave.  I stood up and gave them both a hug goodbye and I get this somewhat cryptic farewell from my brother-in-law of "sorry your experiment didn't work".  I was confused and thought he was referring to some prank I'd tried on Jeff.  Nope.  A little nod of the head and his restating with tone of voice let me know that they were aware of our failed IVF attempt.  I looked at Jeff who looked just as bewildered as me.  I shrugged off the apology as to not make a big deal of things and went to the kitchen.  Jeff followed shortly after.  What the hell.  We had been pretty specific about our intentions of not telling any family members unless there was a success.  How specific can one really be in such a matter?  Why would you think it was okay to talk about it when we were specific that we didn't want it mentioned?

Oh and thanks for calling it an "experiment" because ya'know that's what it totally was.  My doctor is a mad scientist and we just gave them thousands of dollars to do an "experiment" on me.  Why don't you just call me a guinea pig while you're at it.  I mean really?  It was just handled all wrong by my brother-in-law.  If you want to mention that you know and express condolence you don't do it while the rest of the family at dinner is around.  And honestly you shouldn't even know about it so you shouldn't say anything at all.  My own siblings don't even know anything.

And I try to give Jeff's parents the excuse that maybe they are just trying to be sensitive or protective of this sibling as they are going through their own infertility struggle.  But guess what?  I don't know anything about their situation or what they are doing in regards to children.  So why do they all the sudden get to know our current situation.  Why is our privacy subject to some other rule?  And wouldn't it be more sensitive to not mention this to them unless something were to happen?

It just makes me wonder how many other people Jeff's parents have deemed privy to our private information.  It really bugs me.  Not that this sibling knows now because they weren't in control of what was told to them and it can't be untold.  But it really irks me that my in-laws thought it was okay to tell anyone when we asked nothing be said.

I guess that is how it goes when it takes a clinic and multiple people to even attempt getting pregnant.  Infertility just takes your privacy right out the window along with every other bit of normalcy that you had before.

Prep Work...

We have been prepping for the holidays (a little).  I'm very much a Thanksgiving comes before Christmas kind of gal.  But seeing as how it usually snows or gets icy before Thanksgiving in my great state we took after our neighbors cue and put lights up on the roof last weekend.  We were going to finish this weekend but weather today disagrees.  The girls loved the lights though for the few minutes they saw them.  Jeff was up on the roof and I brought them out to watch him.  Seren kept yelling very sternly "Daddy get off my house.  Get down right now" and Kendall would say "Daddy what you doing?" but generally was looking at other things outside and trying to find the moon (she loves spotting the moon).  We turned on the lights for a few minutes to see how they looked.  The girls ooh'd and awe'd like we had paid them.  They were so excited and have continually asked to turn them on again ever since.  Makes me excited for the holidays though.  They are going to love it this year.

Aside from the holidays we're also doing a bit of prep work for the upcoming cycle in January.  I have a hysteroscope scheduled for next Friday.  Not really looking forward to that but at least insurance should be covering everything except for the co-pay.  It seems kind of pointless to go through with this when Dr H says the likelihood of issues (polyps, scarring, etc) being detected is very low.  But when insurance will cover it then it certainly doesn't hurt either.

I'm not even sure what the next step in our plan will be after that.  I know we'll do the pseudo biopsy on the menstrual cycle before the FET cycle.  But I don't know if that's planned for January or December.  I'm not sure if I'll be with it enough to ask when I see Dr H next...something to let Jeff ask maybe.  I wish I could say we're hopeful.  I'm not sure we really are.  We still mention thoughts of another child and changes with rooms and cars we'd need to make if it worked but in general I think the air has been knocked out of our sails and realism has set in.  Odds based before any thawing are pretty low (around 17-25% with morula cycles).  We do have two early blast mixed in somewhere but that's it out of the eight remaining.  I hope it will work.  I don't know that I have the heart to believe it will though.

Life Outside of Other Stuff...

Life beyond the current thoughts with possible cycles and upcoming failures attempts is going quite well.  I am feeling more in the swing of life again since the disappointing BFN.  Never thought I would be writing about BFNs and other attempts on this blog after we had the girls.  I was very happy and content with my life and though exhausted and stretched thin with parenting twins it was good.  It still is good.  But I do want more.  Or at least I want to try for more.  Who knows if that will come or not.

The night after our appointment with Dr H, I was putting my sweet girls to bed.  I was so grateful for them.  I held them a little longer than usual, got a little teary-eyed and whispered to them how they would always be enough for me if we weren't able to have any more.  It's true.  I will forever be grateful for them making me a mom.  And sometimes I think maybe I was blessed with twins the first time because God knew it wasn't going to work again.  I'm glad they will always have someone to be with them, closer than most siblings will be (I hope).  I hope we can add another but if it's not meant to be then we will still have plenty to be thankful for.

Kendall has said to me a few times in the days since the appointment "don't worry mommy...don't worry" and I wondered where she even picked up the word or understanding of worrying.  Maybe it shows that I worry and have been worried about things.  She is always my little empathetic and emotionally-connected child.  She gets it.  I don't really know why but she is good at reading emotion and seeing the details.  I keep holding onto her words of 'don't worry' as things move forward again.

Seren is full of spunk as usual.  She is a tease and a clown.  She loves to get attention and laughs.  She loves to do things for herself and try to do things for Kendall sometimes (not understanding that Kendall has the same drive to do it alone).  She loves to say "I'm so happy" lately (for big and minor things that make her smile) and has started saying "I love you too" when you tell her you love her.

They still look out for each other and try to care for their needs.  I love that the most still.  Friends enjoy watching their kids play with other children and hugging their friends or holding a hand.  I get to witness this most every day.  There are the additional fights and tantrums caused by each other of course but I love seeing the friendship they have.  

Life is going well and things are good no matter the outcomes that will happen.  In the meantime I am looking forward to the holidays and the excitement and family time and fun that surrounds this time of year.

Follow-Up and Future...

We had our follow up with Dr H yesterday.  He talked about our FET transfer and he told us that the quality on the blasts that thawed were rated as "fair" but we were likely given the higher odds by the transferring doctor due to the embryos hatching.  He said something to the effect of he probably would have looked at both quality and hatching and maybe more weight should have been put on the "fair" rating.  Thanks.  That information would have been useful to us at the time not now morons.  Makes me so mad to know we should have been advised to transfer both instead of given such high odds based on one little bit of information and not the whole picture.

The rest of the appointment had it's positives and it's negatives.  The positive we came away with was that Dr H is willing to do some treatment for the autoimmune possibility (high dose steroids in the short term for 5-days and heparin or baby aspirin) and that insurance should cover the two tests he wants us to do (hysteroscopy and uterine biopsy).  The uterine biopsy is more for the purpose of raising odds of implantation than for finding an autoimmune cause.

However the negative we came away with is that the quality of embryos left isn't that stellar.  Dr H seemed pretty darn positive and then I reminded him that I didn't think we had any blastocysts left and so he reviewed the embryology report and some doubt crept in to even his positive outlook.  He talked about how they don't even freeze morulas on day 5 anymore (they wait til day six and if they haven't developed more they discard them).  In our understanding we have:  two EB3, two M2 cav, one M2- cav, one M3 cav and two M2 left.  He looked over the report and pointed out blasts and said he still thinks there is hope for one or two good viable chances at a live birth.  Again we were reminded that they didn't know what was frozen together.  Seriously that irks me and makes me so mad every time they say that.  How can you not know? or make a note?

Then he talked about doing one cycle and thawing everything and looking for the very best or doing two cycles and thawing one straw at a time.  We have two straws with 4 embryos in each remaining still.  When he talked about thawing both straws for one cycle I knew he didn't think our odds were that great.  He did end up recommending splitting it into two cycles if we could afford to because he felt it was a better chance still.  Then he started asking about the possibility of three out of four surviving a thaw and what we would do or how we would feel about transferring three.  Yep my "crappy odds" radar went off again.  I asked him how often they consider transferring three in situations with morulas and he said that each doctor considers it depending on circumstances and in this case it would likely be considered if we wanted to.  My hopes were down on the floor at this point.  I didn't cry.  I wanted to but I held it in.  Dr H tried to pick up the tone and hopes again by saying he was still very optimistic about this still working for us.  It helped but not very much.

He sent off a request to schedule the hysteroscopy in a few weeks.  He said we could do the scope and biopsy together but thought it might be beneficial with timing (in case there were something to correct found with the scope) to do them separately.  He mentally tried to figure out a possible timing for us...asking about my cycles and bum ovaries.  Once again I guess it pays to not have your ovaries running interference on things...they can schedule the scope without much timing and move forward pretty easily.  Then he said it might be tight to squeeze in a transfer before the clinic closed for the holidays.  I said that was fine and I didn't want to go through a cycle during the holidays or have another disappointment during that time anyway.  Wahoo for Miss Positive here huh?  So at any rate we are looking to have everything line up for a January cycle at this point.

Now we just have to consider the possibilities of one cycle vs two and whether we want to take the risk (if given and no matter how slim) of having twins or even triplets.  What a mess.  I don't really have much hope of this working anymore.  But I don't know how to not try still.  In some ways I just wish I had never crawled out of my cute babies and fun toddlers pleasant little cocoon to desire any more.