Infertility can strengthen a relationship. Infertility can destroy a relationship. For us, infertility was there from day one in our marriage. I met my wonderful husband in August 2006 and began seeing my doctor at the end of that year, after skipping my period for four months . I didn't know there was something wrong at the time. Even with the proposition of POF by my doctor in early 2007 things in my life kept taking their course. I mentioned to Jeff I was seeing the doctor for some issues but never imagined POF would really happen so I didn't tell him that part. About the time that Jeff and I began talking about marriage and looking at rings and all of those fun things some not so "fun" news came. My doctor wanted to do a last ditch effort of putting me on the pill for 6 months but it was fairly certain that I did have ovarian failure despite only being 26. In May 2007 I decided I would lay all my cards out on the table to Jeff. I couldn't have kids. We weren't engaged and I didn't expect him to stay with me with this 99% certain diagnosis. Jeff didn't balk. I somewhat felt he was putting on a brave front or the "things will work out...it's just a fluke" that I felt up until then. I told him that I wanted him to really think things through and understand what it would mean for us if he were to stay with me. I basically gave him an out and told him I'd understand if he took it. He agreed to think about it only at my request. Infertility didn't stop things though and in June we were engaged and in October 2007 we were married.
Among wedding planning and newlywed bliss I think we both somewhat forgot about the impending truth. At the end of November my prescription ran out and early December resulted in a blood draw and a final doctor's appointment. Bring your husband. It couldn't be good news. I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure and basically no chance, beyond a miracle, of having kids on my own. It really hit that time. I was devastated and broke down in tears in front of my doctor and Jeff. I felt betrayed by my body and like in some small way I had betrayed or tricked Jeff into marrying me. I was depressed for months. I went about my job as mindlessly as possible and then would come home emotionally exhausted. For weeks, Jeff would come from work to find me in bed crying or sleeping. I would cry myself to sleep. He had no idea what to do for me. He would lay down beside me and just hold me. What else could be done. As time passed things generally got better. But we had our bad times too. We had fights over it or things related to it. There were a couple of time where I didn't know if we would make it through. But we did.
I never once felt like Jeff didn't want to be with me be with me because of infertility. For some I'm sure that was or is a determining factor. For me it was only another reason to realize that he would love me no matter what. I have been so greatly blessed by having such a wonderful man in my life that despite my pushing him away at times refused to leave. I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am both in how he treats me and now in how he treats our girls. I am so lucky. We are so lucky to have him.
Sometimes I think how little we both knew about the real impact that infertility would have on us when we agreed to take it on together. But together we did. In the beginning I didn't want to burden him with my issues. But that is the wonderful thing I've learned about marriage, it's pure design is so that husband and wife can help bear one another's burdens. It doesn't mean the burden is lighter as a whole but it certainly helps to have someone sharing the load.
Showing posts with label NIAW. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NIAW. Show all posts
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Myth Busted: Won't it be weird...
Won't it be weird to carry and have a child who isn't genetically yours? Okay so I've probably read or seen this online more then I've actually heard it myself. Part of that is probably due to the fact the donor egg aspect of my children's make up isn't something I openly discuss with everyone. Even some of those that we have been open with don't necessarily understand the depth of my diagnosis and what was required for me to get pregnant. I don't openly discuss this with a lot of people due to the fact I feel it isn't my information to share. I believe that these girls should have an understanding of how they came to be before anyone else. Yes we have talked to some immediate family about it...after all we don't want the girls to say something about it to grandma or grandpa and then feel it is "shocking" or "shameful" news based on the reaction of someone who was uninformed. We want them to have a support to understand it's totally okay and normal.
But anyway I lose my train of thought. Was it weird to carry these kiddos who are genetically unrelated to me? Heavens no. Pregnancy was weird in itself sometimes...realizing a human being (or two in this case) were growing inside me. Yah that part was sometimes mind boggling. But that was the only thing I ever considered strange. Perhaps my pregnancy was different in that I don't remember thinking very often, "I wonder what they'll look like". I felt like I had no idea. I hoped that they would look like Jeff somewhat and I was excited about the mysterious part of them I didn't know.
Is it weird caring for and raising our kids? (yes...our kids...not Jeff's or someone else's...they are 100% ours). I couldn't imagine anything more natural about caring for, raising and loving my babies. Kendall and Seren are the second best thing to ever happen to me. The first being that I met and married my best friend who has taken every step of this journey with me. I look at them and see myself. That probably sounds silly to some. I don't see my physical self. But I see my nurturing self...the part that will undoubtedly have an impact on who they become also. I feel like the way we raise them and teach them is the way we pass on what truly matters...not their eye/hair color, smiles and other traits.
But anyway I lose my train of thought. Was it weird to carry these kiddos who are genetically unrelated to me? Heavens no. Pregnancy was weird in itself sometimes...realizing a human being (or two in this case) were growing inside me. Yah that part was sometimes mind boggling. But that was the only thing I ever considered strange. Perhaps my pregnancy was different in that I don't remember thinking very often, "I wonder what they'll look like". I felt like I had no idea. I hoped that they would look like Jeff somewhat and I was excited about the mysterious part of them I didn't know.
Is it weird caring for and raising our kids? (yes...our kids...not Jeff's or someone else's...they are 100% ours). I couldn't imagine anything more natural about caring for, raising and loving my babies. Kendall and Seren are the second best thing to ever happen to me. The first being that I met and married my best friend who has taken every step of this journey with me. I look at them and see myself. That probably sounds silly to some. I don't see my physical self. But I see my nurturing self...the part that will undoubtedly have an impact on who they become also. I feel like the way we raise them and teach them is the way we pass on what truly matters...not their eye/hair color, smiles and other traits.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Myth Busted: You were meant to go through this
Why do people think this is a supportive statement?? If I could say one thing to people who are trying to be supportive it would be: Don't try to "fix" the problem. Just express that you are sorry that person is facing such a thing and offer support. I honestly think this would apply to many of life's crisis too. I have no idea why people find it necessary to try to solve things that they can't. It hurts to see someone you love hurting...yes. It's uncomfortable at times to see them struggle...yes. But do you have a magic wand or word that makes it go away...no.
For me this is not and was not helpful to hear. Maybe for some it is. I suppose maybe a better thing to say or do is just say you are sorry and ask what they need (to hear, to do, etc). But for me I can't tell you the times I've been told that "God chose you to go through this because He knew you could do it" (they couldn't?) or "You are the type of person who was meant for this trial. You would love a child any way it came to you" (they wouldn't?) or "He gives us trials to make us stronger and never gives us more then we can handle" (am I that weak to begin with?). Truthfully living in a culture where religion is spliced together with every hardship you ever face was not helpful to me at the time. Quite frankly I was already on bad enough terms with my maker after being diagnosed infertile that to hear people tell me He "chose" me for this grief really just made it worse. Needless to say I wasn't really on speaking terms with God for some time and even now I'm just beginning to rebuild that relationship.
I have been blessed in the end. My marriage was strengthened. My appreciation of my babies is greater (and I love who they are and realize they wouldn't be if it weren't for the direction life took). I did discover some inner strength. I've been able to support others going through similar circumstance (trust me I've never told them they were "chosen" for it). In general I've realized what a blessing children and family are and to truly empathize with those struggling to get there. But I don't think that means I was "chosen" for this path. We took a road less traveled and made the best of it we could.
I still don't think we are "chosen" for certain trials. I think our lives are meant to follow a pattern of some sort I suppose but to say a higher power would purposefully put me through something like this makes me picture someone who is not how I picture Him to be. Who knows, maybe I'll be proven wrong on the other side.
Of course now in my thinking too I realize that there are things we can't prevent from happening to our children. We try to protect them and guide them but sometimes bad things just happen. Our purpose is to stand as a solid foundation and comfort to them when it does. I suppose this is how I think of God. He doesn't pick and choose my trials for me. Sometimes they just happen.
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For me this is not and was not helpful to hear. Maybe for some it is. I suppose maybe a better thing to say or do is just say you are sorry and ask what they need (to hear, to do, etc). But for me I can't tell you the times I've been told that "God chose you to go through this because He knew you could do it" (they couldn't?) or "You are the type of person who was meant for this trial. You would love a child any way it came to you" (they wouldn't?) or "He gives us trials to make us stronger and never gives us more then we can handle" (am I that weak to begin with?). Truthfully living in a culture where religion is spliced together with every hardship you ever face was not helpful to me at the time. Quite frankly I was already on bad enough terms with my maker after being diagnosed infertile that to hear people tell me He "chose" me for this grief really just made it worse. Needless to say I wasn't really on speaking terms with God for some time and even now I'm just beginning to rebuild that relationship.
I have been blessed in the end. My marriage was strengthened. My appreciation of my babies is greater (and I love who they are and realize they wouldn't be if it weren't for the direction life took). I did discover some inner strength. I've been able to support others going through similar circumstance (trust me I've never told them they were "chosen" for it). In general I've realized what a blessing children and family are and to truly empathize with those struggling to get there. But I don't think that means I was "chosen" for this path. We took a road less traveled and made the best of it we could.
I still don't think we are "chosen" for certain trials. I think our lives are meant to follow a pattern of some sort I suppose but to say a higher power would purposefully put me through something like this makes me picture someone who is not how I picture Him to be. Who knows, maybe I'll be proven wrong on the other side.
Of course now in my thinking too I realize that there are things we can't prevent from happening to our children. We try to protect them and guide them but sometimes bad things just happen. Our purpose is to stand as a solid foundation and comfort to them when it does. I suppose this is how I think of God. He doesn't pick and choose my trials for me. Sometimes they just happen.
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This post is in response to National Infertility Awareness Week. Resolve has challenged bloggers to Bust a Myth regarding infertility. Bring awareness of infertility by busting a myth yourself.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Myth Busted: Doesn't insurance cover that?
This was my own thought originally. My ovaries were shutting down and causing other health risks (osteoporosis, heart disease, etc)...so that was obviously a health problem. Insurance covered health problems right? So yes...insurance helped with HRT (hormone replacement) and doctor's visits. I don't know if they would have covered my DEXA scan and other tests that were done at the NIH in Maryland. My doctor didn't want me to have DEXA scan done and said it wasn't something to worry about. Hello...you're a doctor and osteoporosis is one of the main concerns with POF...how can you say that's not something to worry about?
So...when I went into researching the coverage I had for infertility treatment I was shocked. I was annoyed. My insurance, which was considered to be one of the best offered in my state, covered nothing. I don't even know if it covered blood tests or ultrasounds because they would be related to infertility treatment. I looked up more information about insurance covering this anywhere. There were only a few states that mandated it to be covered. Imagine a state having to require it by law to be covered? Makes you feel loved by your insurance company doesn't it. Insurance companies really bite it sometimes. I made a comparison in my mind that they covered other life changing or challenging events...heart problems, cancer, diabetes and a number of others. The treatment of these was not 100% guaranteed to work either. And yes I realized that these conditions threatened physical life...the ability to go on living. But at the time it felt like my infertility (such a definitive diagnosis..."never have kids on your own") could have the same effect on me. It caused me to be in a pretty dark place and a great deal depressed for some time. But guess what? Insurance covers mental therapy. I didn't quite get to the level that I took advantage of that...sometimes I think I should have but I was stubborn. Basically if you find yourself infertile, plan on lots of therapy to get a bang for your buck but don't plan on any coverage to get you knocked up.
People don't understand the cost that can go into infertility treatment either. They know it's "not cheap" but they don't really know the price tag. The fertile have never had to worry about such things are IUIs, IVF, DE, ART, ICSI, SA, 3 day vs 5 day transfers, etc etc. I doubt most of them even know what those acronyms mean. I wouldn't either...if I didn't have to live with some of them. And each one of those acronyms comes with a price tag. How far you go up on the scale depends on what your individual issues may be.
Adoption has some insurance coverage typically it seems. But adoption is not necessarily any cheaper or guaranteed. Some people sit on adoption waiting lists for years while birth mothers look at their profiles and move onto the next. Or have been waiting on a country to finalize an adoption when for whatever reason the borders are closed or the process is denied or frozen indefinitely. Many are victims of fraud from horrible people who would scam them out of not only their money but their dreams of being a parent.
The sad thing to me is that Resolve states that according to many studies offering comprehensive infertility coverage to an insurance package can actually reduce cost and premium for those that pay into the pot. Take that one to the bank insurance companies and insured people...literally.
So...when I went into researching the coverage I had for infertility treatment I was shocked. I was annoyed. My insurance, which was considered to be one of the best offered in my state, covered nothing. I don't even know if it covered blood tests or ultrasounds because they would be related to infertility treatment. I looked up more information about insurance covering this anywhere. There were only a few states that mandated it to be covered. Imagine a state having to require it by law to be covered? Makes you feel loved by your insurance company doesn't it. Insurance companies really bite it sometimes. I made a comparison in my mind that they covered other life changing or challenging events...heart problems, cancer, diabetes and a number of others. The treatment of these was not 100% guaranteed to work either. And yes I realized that these conditions threatened physical life...the ability to go on living. But at the time it felt like my infertility (such a definitive diagnosis..."never have kids on your own") could have the same effect on me. It caused me to be in a pretty dark place and a great deal depressed for some time. But guess what? Insurance covers mental therapy. I didn't quite get to the level that I took advantage of that...sometimes I think I should have but I was stubborn. Basically if you find yourself infertile, plan on lots of therapy to get a bang for your buck but don't plan on any coverage to get you knocked up.
People don't understand the cost that can go into infertility treatment either. They know it's "not cheap" but they don't really know the price tag. The fertile have never had to worry about such things are IUIs, IVF, DE, ART, ICSI, SA, 3 day vs 5 day transfers, etc etc. I doubt most of them even know what those acronyms mean. I wouldn't either...if I didn't have to live with some of them. And each one of those acronyms comes with a price tag. How far you go up on the scale depends on what your individual issues may be.
Adoption has some insurance coverage typically it seems. But adoption is not necessarily any cheaper or guaranteed. Some people sit on adoption waiting lists for years while birth mothers look at their profiles and move onto the next. Or have been waiting on a country to finalize an adoption when for whatever reason the borders are closed or the process is denied or frozen indefinitely. Many are victims of fraud from horrible people who would scam them out of not only their money but their dreams of being a parent.
The sad thing to me is that Resolve states that according to many studies offering comprehensive infertility coverage to an insurance package can actually reduce cost and premium for those that pay into the pot. Take that one to the bank insurance companies and insured people...literally.
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This post is in response to National Infertility Awareness Week. Resolve has challenged bloggers to Bust a Myth regarding infertility. Bring awareness of infertility by busting a myth yourself.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Myth Busted: It's no different then saving for...
After I was officially diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure/Insufficiency (POF/POI) a little over a month after being married, the hubs and I began saving for what we felt was inevitable...the cost of DE IVF or adoption. At the time we weren't 100% sure which route we would take but we knew neither one were going to be cheap. We still "tried" even though so early in marriage neither of us really wanted to have a baby but we knew it would be a literal miracle if it happened so it wasn't so worrisome.
This post is in response to National Infertility Awareness Week. Resolve has challenged bloggers to Bust a Myth regarding infertility. I am making it my goal to Bust a Myth every day this week and bring awareness of infertility's challenges to those around me.
A little over a year of saving (including contributing my 401Ks to the pot, my annual leave pay out from my CPS job I quit, some of the money from hubby's condo he sold so we could make a down payment on our house, donations from my parents, etc etc) I was talking to my good friend about the cost of infertility treatment (over instant message...thank goodness). She asked how much it would be and when I told her she said how it would be worth it. Yes of course it would I agreed (if it worked). She then compared it to saving and spending money on her house remodel. She said they had put in $10,000 so far on carpet, siding and various projects. I laughed to myself...uhhhhhh not at all the same (considering that was half of what we expected to spend). Instead I told her "Yah except when you pay Lowe's you are 100% guaranteed to get what you paid for". I couldn't believe what came out of her next "Not really." What? Was she seriously arguing that a retailer would give you the same "chance" of not providing what you paid for that ART treatments come with? Yep she was. I again said I didn't think a retailer would stay in business if that were true. She again argued that "it could happen". HA!! Oh I wanted to smack her. When it become pretty obvious that she was serious and didn't see how these two grand expenditures were not at all alike I became more upset. I had to shut down the messenger and walk away before I said something I knew I'd probably regret. I felt she was not being supportive and trying to minimize my worry. I didn't expect her to pity me or commend me but I didn't expect her to trivialize something that came with a 40% failure rate.
Saving for ART treatment (for me...for us) was like putting away money that we would rather have used for other things...like house remodeling, down payments, vacations and a dozen other things. Things that in my opinion are 100% guaranteed. It was like putting all our eggs in one basket. A basket with a decent sized hole in the bottom that everything could fall through. It was saving for a dream. Yes we realized it was all worth it...even if it failed at least we had tried. Yes we realized the risk when we went into saving. But I think we also both knew that if we left things to chance or out of our control that they would always be that way. So there was no comparison and no similar thing most people could compare it too. I imagine now that there are worse things to throw your money at...gambling, lottery tickets, etc. You know...things with an even lower chance of "winning". We threw in our ticket though and now with two beautiful girls in our lives...we have won the ultimate lottery.
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This post is in response to National Infertility Awareness Week. Resolve has challenged bloggers to Bust a Myth regarding infertility. I am making it my goal to Bust a Myth every day this week and bring awareness of infertility's challenges to those around me.
Monday, April 26, 2010
National Infertility Awareness Week
April 24th to May 1st is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). Resolve started Project IF to go along with this. Basically asking people experiencing infertility to post their "What IF..." questions and to spread the awareness of infertility. IF is the online abbreviation of infertility. Anyway I added a couple of "What IF...?" questions to their list. There were over 300 when I became aware of the project and added on...it was humbling, interesting and inspiring to read some of the questions. I continue thinking of what if's at times...like one that struck me today "What IF our spare bedroom never has any use beyond storage?" or "What IF there is always this big piece of me (infertility) that I don't share with others?". There really are so many questions that go through your mind during this process and realizing that even when you have children if you are that lucky (as my best friend from high school has told me) it doesn't solve the problem or make everything better (even though people around you expect it to). Anyway I just wanted to share this post and also a video from a blog that I follow. This girl is also a fellow woman diagnosed with POF around my age and some of the thoughts she has and has taken from the IF project. I really enjoyed it and hope you do too (pause or stop my music before starting) :
What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.
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