The Ins and Outs

37 weeks and 5 days old.  They have been out in the world for as long as they were in now.  It is crazy to believe that the same time that we have been enjoying them is the same amount of time the pregnancy lasted.  The time with them here seems to be so much shorter (and longer some days but mostly shorter).  I'm so grateful that they are here and were brought here safely by such good doctors and care.

We look forward to each milestone and enjoy each day with them.  People always ask how it is with twins and honestly the first couple months or so were rough and I questioned our sanity a little at thinking we could handle it (and putting back two embryos when our doctor recommended only one).  But once we started getting some sleep again things couldn't be better.  It is such a fun experience to watch them grow and develop together.  To see them interact more and more everyday.  I look forward to that for the future and I hope that they are good friends with each other as well as sisters.

I can't believe that it is only a few months from now that they will be a year old.  I have been a little nutty with that and actually have been planning for a little 1 year old celebration (I'm sure many moms do this).  I have ideas for cakes/cupcakes, colors, decor, presents and a video in the process of making.  Sometimes I think I am trying to juggle too many balls with the various projects I have in my head.  But I suppose as long as the projects still make me happy instead of stressed then it is all good.

So in love with our little girls and so excited for the future with them.

This is new...

Thanks to Brenda at Hope Springs Infertile: Now with two little sprouts I have my very first experience with blogging awards.  Thank you Brenda :)  Hmmmmm...so anyway according to my understanding I am to share 10 things about myself and then tag some fellow bloggers or recent blogs I've been following.  I also picked up a new blog to follow from Brenda's list (yeah...I love finding/following new people through connections)

10 Things About Me:

1.  I'm writing this at 11:16 pm as Brenda said to use my "spare time" hehe (twins are asleep and hubby is too)

2.  DH and I cleaned and spit-shined our house this past week/weekend in effort or contemplation of selling it.  Now we are in limbo deciding if we really want to list and I'm wondering how long the "clean" will stick.  Plus he owes me a Blondie for all the last minute clean-up today (you are my witnesses).

3.  I have recently tried to take up making smoothies for breakfast due to the fact Double Chocolate muffins from Sam's Club are 600 calories a piece :(  I'm hoping the smoothies are an improvement.

4.  I don't like competition or comparing.  I have a good friend who tries to compare her almost 3 month old's developmental milestones to my almost 5 month old twins.  The great thing I've found with twins is that I realize that babies develop differently...different strengths and aspects at different times.  No I don't think your kid is a genius for rolling over, sleeping, laughing or anything else.

5.  I have always wanted to test drive a mini-cooper.  I am 6'1" so I'm sure I would look ridiculous in one but it doesn't stop the dream.

6.  DH and I are planning a trip to Paris, France in May 2012.  I am excited but it hasn't set in and I worry about leaving our kiddos for 2 weeks...but the plan is already in motion.

7.  I am completely in love with my kids.  I do not regret for one iota of one second using DE IVF to have them.  They are precious and 100% mine.

8.  I am often reminded in blogger world how lucky I am and was to have had a smooth twin pregnancy.  I credit this to my height.  Some days I think strangely that maybe God made me tall cause he knew I would need it.

9.  I love cookie dough...I used to make batches of dough just to eat, then I discovered Pillsbury cookie dough tubes and was in heaven for a while.  Now I try to restrain myself because my metabolism is shot since radiating my thyroid and having POF/POI (ie major hormone malfunctions).

10.  I have the best husband in the world.  He puts up with a lot and does a lot and still tries to put up with and do more.  I am lucky in so many ways in my life.

My Blogs of Note:

Hope at  http://journey2eggdonation.blogspot.com/ (I enjoy reading about her journey and miracle daughter)
Amber at http://youandmenowiswe.blogspot.com/  (I just started following her and hope to hear more)
Amy at http://amy-ourjourneytobecomingparents.blogspot.com/ (let's face it this is a bribe to get you to post an update hehe)
Sweet Georgia http://babydancings.blogspot.com/ (I enjoy her perspective and similar time frame to mine)

Yah I'm really lame...I can't see anymore that haven't been awarded this already.  It's a small blog world apparently.  I apologize that most of the blogs I follow now are donor egg or contemplating donor egg or somewhere in that realm.  I really like to read the perspectives and experiences.  Thanks to everyone for sharing a special piece of your lives :)

Thoughts of Pregnancy -- Post Pregnancy

I have thought about my post pregnancy thoughts more so recently.  Like how I feel about having any possibility of my own genetic children after having our beautiful girls.  I hope I don't offend anyone by saying this.  I know we all come from different experiences and situations.  Some have children prior to taking the route of donor egg children, some only have the option of donor egg children and some still feel a desire for a genetic child after having a donor egg child.  We all have the right to feel how we do and pursue our desires how we see fit.  So where do I fall?

When I consider the very slim chance of getting pregnant on my own the only thing I really think would be great is not having a team of doctors involved with the conception and not having to have needles stuck in my back side daily for 10-12 weeks straight.  I would also love to not have to take hormones for the rest of my life in hopes that I don't end up with osteoporosis or other POF/POI side effects.

I used to imagine how I would love for my body to kick into gear after pregnancy and possibly get pregnant without intervention.  I believe Jeff and I used to talk about how I wouldn't use birth control then either and we'd just see what happened.  But after having Kendall and Seren, I can honestly say that I have no real desire to have a genetic child.  I can't imagine feeling any more connected to one or more love towards one or whatever reason it is that makes us want to perpetuate our own DNA.  Most days I forget that these girls don't share any of my genetics.  And even more so I wonder how they would feel if we were to have a genetic child.  Not that any parent would ever treat their children differently or feel different towards them.  But then I wonder...would they somehow feel second best?  Just the thought of it diminishing their importance (even if it were just a feeling they had or quietly never expressed) makes me think I would never pursue that.  I couldn't be more lucky than in having them.

Morning sickness...now??

I hope not. I have noticed that I have been feeling more blah and queezy now then I did the first of this pregnancy. Which doesn't help. I need to be gaining weight and getting my appetite back not feeling icky. This morning I ate my breakfast of fruit loops and was about to head out the door when I had a coughing fit. For whatever reason if I cough to much lately it makes me want to gag. So I stopped coughing and tried to convince myself I felt fine but unfortunately I tossed my cookies anyway...a nice colorful rainbow. I hope I start feeling better and this is just a fluke of adjustment period.

Everything else seems to be good though. I'm excited to go to our next doctor's appointment and see another ultrasound. I hope everything is on target. I wonder a little due to the fact I haven't gained much weight if any. I'm sure it will start to catch up eventually though.

What's with all the excitement...

I don't know if it's just me or it just hasn't sunk in yet. I feel excited to myself and with Jeff sometimes but in general I'm not all that excited or eager to share our news. I still don't even really feel pregnant for the most part. I haven't been sick (thank goodness) and I haven't been really hungry or tired. Basically life hasn't really changed. Don't get me wrong I'm still known to frequent our online newspaper for baby stuff (primarily looking at cribs). But in general I keep it to myself.

Part of me thinks it is because we are having twins and I know that with twins there will be more questions and possible assumptions made. I'm not really sure how to answer questions. I'm fine with people knowing or thinking we had some help...but I don't know if I should be forthcoming with that or wait til they ask. I'm not fine with telling everyone the donor aspect. I don't really think that's my information to share and I think that the kiddos should know and understand this more before I share it. I guess I still just want time to adjust to it and think things through before I go spilling things.

I worry about hurting feelings too. I think that is the part of infertility and pregnancy that I didn't know would come together so much. I don't have a desire to blab on Facebook (maybe pictures when they are born) but no status updates or such. I don't really care to go around announcing it to all my friends. I really just want to tell family and close friends. And as for close friends I'm still nervous to tell one but know that I will need to soon before I start showing. I haven't even told my siblings. Man and here I thought I was going to be a bragger HAHA...shows you how much I knew.

I am excited and I'm very grateful and I do look forward to the rest of the pregnancy and parenthood. But right now I'm just enjoying having this be something that isn't wide spread news. We'll see how long that lasts.

Our secret....

or secrets as it may be :) We have been in the process of a DE IVF procedure for the past few months. I have been blogging about it privately but haven't published anything as we wanted to feel more secure before telling anyone. My parents follow this blog and that was another reason we wanted to play it close because we wanted to surprise our parents if it were to end well.

We went in for the viability ultrasound today and found that we will be having twins. They are both measuring on target and we were also able to hear the heart beats. That was amazing as I didn't know you were able to hear them (I thought you could just see them on the screen) so early on but it didn't seem real at the same time. After we heard the first heart beat I asked "So that was the baby's heart beat?" and Dr H just laughed a little and said "Yes didn't you hear it?" and I laughed and said "Yes I just didn't know you could hear them so soon." Anyway we are very excited but it is still sinking in.

*our little woogits in the making...about the size of a chocolate sprinkle*

We called my parents after the appointment and then had to have them call us back as they were driving separately to pick up my brother and his family at the airport. They called us back when they were together and I told them we were going to be having a baby and they got all excited and then I went on to say we're actually having two babies/twins and then they were more excited. It was fun to surprise them. Next we drove to Jeff's parents' home. We sat in their living room and Jeff told them we were having a baby and by baby he meant babies/twins. They were also very excited and said they had been thinking of us in this regard recently. We asked both parents to keep this quiet until we were more prepared to share with others. We are all excited and it was fun to share the news with them.

Unfortunately today I also found out that my ob/gyn who diagnosed my POI will be moving in August. I was disappointed in that. I was comfortable with the idea of her as she knows my medical history and I also know that she is supportive of the fertility treatment and had actually been through a little of her own. Now I am worrying a little about how I will find a different ob/gyn and if I will like them as well or feel as comfortable. I plan to still keep the first appointment and then ask her for some referrals. I'm sure it will be fine though.

**there will also be newly published posts with "cycle" tag going back to January 2010 if you want to read the goings on leading up to this**

Not so worried...

I'm not so worried about things now. I worry a little about things like not seeing a heartbeat or something not being right like that. But as the days have gone on I definitely am feeling more pregnant. Not a lot but I've gotten nauseous a little the last couple days and nothing sounds good to eat. I try to eat what I can but usually don't get a lot down until dinner time. I haven't thrown up so that is a blessing. Still hoping to not hurl at all during this. I have lost weight due to my lack of desire to eat. So I decided I better make the most of what I do eat and went to the grocery store. I hope I'm eating enough to cover all the bases needed and I do still take my prenatals so hopefully that will fill in the gaps. Getting excited for Monday and finding out what we have on our hands.

A little worried...

I am beginning to worry a little bit...not much but sometimes. Jeff and I have this thing where he asks me every time he comes home from work or I get home from work if I feel pregnant today. I still don't really feel different. I'm a little tender but less so then I was before, sometimes mild cramps, tired but not exhausted and I feel like I'm cold all the time (like I could wear sweats in 70 degree weather). The good thing is I'm not spotting or anything scary so I still say that things are okay. I want to enjoy things but I'm a little paranoid. I'm paranoid if my progesterone is high enough and if my beta is still rising (UCRM never tested progesterone and only did one beta) and if my body which has obviously had it's issues/failings before is going to come through for me on this one.

In an effort to be positive and occupy my time I have added like 5 or 6 widgets to my iGoogle page regarding pregnancy and stages of development, etc. I figure this way I can weed out the ones that bore me or are not really informative. It's interesting to watch and follow where the kiddo(s) are at in development. It says the kiddo(s) are the size of a sesame seed now. They are only the size of a chocolate sprinkle when we go in for the viability u/s. Seriously a sprinkle with a heart beat...that's crazy! Looking forward to the u/s and hopefully some peace of mind...11 days to go.

What better day...

I hope that I deal with information in a sensitive manner. Sometimes it just comes from my heart without a lot of my head involved to think it through. For anyone who follows my blog in the IF world I hope I never offend (especially today) . I wish the best of luck and hope for everyone who wants to have a family in whatever way they may come.

Anyway, I was supposed to have my beta on Monday but due to my work schedule (I never open and yet that day I am) Nurse G told me to come in on Sunday instead. So Jeff and I went down to Salt Lake today and had my blood drawn. The nurse asked me if I had cheated and I told her yes and it was so far so good. She was excited and said that over 90% of the time home tests are right but they would call us later today with results.

We went home and back to bed for a cat nap. The clinic called around 11:30 or so and it was the same nurse. She told me congratulations you are pregnant and in fact you are very pregnant. My beta number was 1,049 (11dp5dt) and she said they usually expect mid to high hundreds range at this point so there was a possibility of twins although we wouldn't know until an ultrasound. She gave me further instructions on meds and when we needed to schedule a viability ultrasound in a couple weeks. She said the expected due date would be January 13th and then wished me a happy mother's day to which I teared up a little. Like Jeff said, what a perfect day to find out the official news. We're so excited and feel so lucky to be here. Can't wait to see our little one(s) on an ultrasound.