Out of Our Hands...

Well Jeff is off with the girls at an indoor playground and I'm laying around on the couch kind of wishing I'd fall asleep. But with no such luck I decided to update here.

We thawed four embryos and three survived. One was given very poor odds but we were given the choice to transfer all three if we really wanted to based on that. Still given a rough ball park of 10% chance of triplets we opted not too (maybe that number was just to scare us out of it haha).  Dr H told us if this cycle was unsuccessful and we had three survive next time as well that he might recommend doing all three. But we decided to transfer the remaining two which were rated fair and poor. Both had assisted hatching done with the thaw. We were given a 40% chance ballpark estimate.  Much more realistic than the last FET which was nice to not have hopes unrealistically high.  Also not sure if our other efforts are factored into hopeful success... I hope not.  I am hopeful/wishful that it's a slightly higher chance with those involved.  Anyway transfer was fine and now we just wait.  Ughhh the dreaded wait.

Anybody with assisted hatching success stories or information?? I'm reading both sides of the coin that it can be good or bad.  I wasn't expecting it to be done so just been reading up a little.

Follow-Up and Future...

We had our follow up with Dr H yesterday.  He talked about our FET transfer and he told us that the quality on the blasts that thawed were rated as "fair" but we were likely given the higher odds by the transferring doctor due to the embryos hatching.  He said something to the effect of he probably would have looked at both quality and hatching and maybe more weight should have been put on the "fair" rating.  Thanks.  That information would have been useful to us at the time not now morons.  Makes me so mad to know we should have been advised to transfer both instead of given such high odds based on one little bit of information and not the whole picture.

The rest of the appointment had it's positives and it's negatives.  The positive we came away with was that Dr H is willing to do some treatment for the autoimmune possibility (high dose steroids in the short term for 5-days and heparin or baby aspirin) and that insurance should cover the two tests he wants us to do (hysteroscopy and uterine biopsy).  The uterine biopsy is more for the purpose of raising odds of implantation than for finding an autoimmune cause.

However the negative we came away with is that the quality of embryos left isn't that stellar.  Dr H seemed pretty darn positive and then I reminded him that I didn't think we had any blastocysts left and so he reviewed the embryology report and some doubt crept in to even his positive outlook.  He talked about how they don't even freeze morulas on day 5 anymore (they wait til day six and if they haven't developed more they discard them).  In our understanding we have:  two EB3, two M2 cav, one M2- cav, one M3 cav and two M2 left.  He looked over the report and pointed out blasts and said he still thinks there is hope for one or two good viable chances at a live birth.  Again we were reminded that they didn't know what was frozen together.  Seriously that irks me and makes me so mad every time they say that.  How can you not know? or make a note?

Then he talked about doing one cycle and thawing everything and looking for the very best or doing two cycles and thawing one straw at a time.  We have two straws with 4 embryos in each remaining still.  When he talked about thawing both straws for one cycle I knew he didn't think our odds were that great.  He did end up recommending splitting it into two cycles if we could afford to because he felt it was a better chance still.  Then he started asking about the possibility of three out of four surviving a thaw and what we would do or how we would feel about transferring three.  Yep my "crappy odds" radar went off again.  I asked him how often they consider transferring three in situations with morulas and he said that each doctor considers it depending on circumstances and in this case it would likely be considered if we wanted to.  My hopes were down on the floor at this point.  I didn't cry.  I wanted to but I held it in.  Dr H tried to pick up the tone and hopes again by saying he was still very optimistic about this still working for us.  It helped but not very much.

He sent off a request to schedule the hysteroscopy in a few weeks.  He said we could do the scope and biopsy together but thought it might be beneficial with timing (in case there were something to correct found with the scope) to do them separately.  He mentally tried to figure out a possible timing for us...asking about my cycles and bum ovaries.  Once again I guess it pays to not have your ovaries running interference on things...they can schedule the scope without much timing and move forward pretty easily.  Then he said it might be tight to squeeze in a transfer before the clinic closed for the holidays.  I said that was fine and I didn't want to go through a cycle during the holidays or have another disappointment during that time anyway.  Wahoo for Miss Positive here huh?  So at any rate we are looking to have everything line up for a January cycle at this point.

Now we just have to consider the possibilities of one cycle vs two and whether we want to take the risk (if given and no matter how slim) of having twins or even triplets.  What a mess.  I don't really have much hope of this working anymore.  But I don't know how to not try still.  In some ways I just wish I had never crawled out of my cute babies and fun toddlers pleasant little cocoon to desire any more.

What a Relief...

Transfer went smoothly.  Poor Jeff got a stomach bug or ate something so he was throwing up the night before and that morning.  So although we hadn't planned it he stayed home from work for the rest of the day after the transfer and didn't go to either of his jobs.  It was kind of nice to just have us all chilling at home.  We discussed our plans of one vs two being transferred the night before.  Jeff was okay with transferring only one if the odds were around 25-30%.  You can see how twins have scared us off of the possibility of twins again...love them but sleep deprivation, difficulty breastfeeding and juggling two babies is killer.  I was okay with just one if the odds were around 40%.  Our clinic has an average success rate with frozen cycles of around 40% with average transferred being two or slightly over two.  So we agreed to somewhere around 35-40% being a good average.

We had traffic and sickness issues, along with dropping the girls off with my in-laws, and were 15 minutes late getting to the clinic.  Our attempt to call was met by a machine and their office hours not being open until 8 am (the time we arrived).  They didn't act like it was a big thing.  We still waited just as long or longer in the transfer room so I didn't feel so bad.  Dr M was the transferring doctor this time.  We had never met him but he was very warm and easy to adjust to.  He brought out my file and a picture of the two embryos that had survived the thaw.  One looked great and the other looked okay.  He explained one was in great shape and the other was moderate to good.  Our odds transferring the one would be around 50-60% with a 5% chance of twins he told us.  What the what!!  I couldn't believe it.  I think the sigh of relief could be heard from both Jeff and I.  Dr M continued that the success rate to transfer both would be around 60-70% with a 30% chance of twins.  We were over the moon to have such good odds with one and immediately agreed to just transfer the one.  We asked about the stuff that seemed to be growing next to the embryos and were told that they were hatching and that this was a good sign as well.  I was given the Valium and had some giggles from that and then the transfer was done, the obligatory wait was over and we were sent home.  Luckily after picking up and taking the girls home they were happy to oblige us in an early afternoon nap due to their early wake up call.  Our entire house crashed for a few hours and it was wonderful.

Now the front room is littered with Gatorade bottles, the TV has been playing Yo Gabba Gabba and I've been chilling out today with the girls on my own.  Following my same regimen of liquid intake suggestions (mostly Gatorade) and eating fresh pineapple as I did with our fresh cycle but opting to skip the Raspberry Leaf tea this time (man that was gross last time).  I also have not been as strict on my "bed rest" but how can I be when I still have two little ones at home to care for.  I've taken it easy for sure but haven't grounded myself to the couch.  It's been a nice change.  Now we just wait and hope (and Google a little of course).

Decided to add a picture of the little ones.  We used the larger blastocyst and the other was donated for research.

Checking in

We are still just plugging away at this cycle.  The days keep going by and it seems to be quickly approaching.  Only two weeks left until our transfer.  By the end of the month we will know if there is any success.  Scared?  Yep.  Nervous?  Of course.  Excited?  Well that too.

I'm still preparing myself for both sides of the coin.  I don't know how you really prepare yourself for failure though.  The words associated with a cycle of that sort pretty much say it all:  negative, big fat negative, failure, non-successful, etc.  There isn't really a happy twist to it.  You try and you either succeed or fail at the attempt.  We do still have Kendall and Seren to keep us busy and happy.  They were our saving grace the first time around and they will be again if this time doesn't work.

We used to ask Kendall and Seren if they wanted to have a baby in the house.  They are almost 3 and little girls so of course they love babies (mostly their own).  They were undecided and we had our laughs at their little arguments to agree.  We asked them again when we decided to try whether they would want a brother or a sister.  The vote was split on this one also...Seren for a sister and Kendall for a brother (I hope they don't both get their wish).  But now that we are in cycle we don't mention or ask much.  I would love for them to have another sibling.  A lot of my desire for trying again stemmed from this idea of them having a little brother or sister.  Now we just have to wait and see.

All or Nothing

That would seem to be the theme of today's appointment to discuss a frozen cycle.  Dr H did our transfer with our first cycle that resulted in Kendall and Seren.  Since our other doctor has retired since our last care we decided that we would like to proceed with Dr H.  Also we just like him more and find him very competent.  Anyway just a side note there.

The main note of course is that a) we can proceed whenever we like due to me being on birth control / hormone replacement and not needing Lupron (yeah for POF).  b) he doesn't advise transferring only one embryo during a frozen cycle.  c) of the 40% that get pregnant as a result of frozen embryo transfers 1/3 of those end up with a twin pregnancy.  So it would seem that this is really all or nothing.  To be honest the idea of it scared me at the appointment.  I was ready to balk and back out unless it was a single.  Yes we made it through twins once but the idea of doing it again with two already in tow was pretty darn terrifying to me.  Jeff seemed more to take it in stride.  Dr H asked "if you were to have twins again would it be the end of the world?" and I thought Jeff would be the first to say "yeah we're not going to do that" but he was just honest that it was hard but we could do it again if it came to that.

Now that Jeff and I have had a discussion about the chance it doesn't seem as daunting.  First of all, the chance of pregnancy with a frozen transfer is still around 40% (not stellar) and second of all if that 40% happens the chance of twins is only 33% or less.  So the combined likelihood (according to Jeff's calculation) is about a 13% chance of twins again.  I can live with that.  Will I be shaking in my boots if the result comes down the line that we might have two sets of twins in our home...yes, yes I probably will be.  But for now I feel good about giving it a chance still.

We are waiting to hear back on some matters from our hopeful donation couple and then we will begin moving forward with this little adventure.

Keep On Keeping On

Well...things have calmed down since the last post. We're still not impressed with the experience at UCRM clinic but they have come back from it with a positive light. Dr. G and even the specialist, Nurse G, have both made apologies and efforts to correct things. I feel better about them and just wish that "appointment" had never happened (even though it never did haha). I look forward to a second chance and hopefully it won't be too awkward.

We are doing okay on savings still, even though I am not employed right now. My annual vacation pay went into savings and now we are sitting a little more then half-way to the goal of $20K. Gosh it still astonishes me how much this is going to cost. Sometimes I think of the money and that it's just a chance not even a guarantee. But most of the time I don't really consider how much money it is so much as how it would be to have it work. I am trying not to be jaded on the fact it is so much easier for so many people. I am trying to focus more on the fact that this will be a unique experience that not many people are given and that when we get to have a child from this that there will never be any doubt that we wanted and worked to have it happen.