Frozen Embryo Decisions

The decision was made on this a couple weeks ago.  It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be to make.  I would still have loved to donate them to another couple but in the end we felt this was the right decision.  We originally had arranged to donate our remaining embryos to another couple during our first frozen cycle.  A week before the transfer we received news they had experienced a chemical pregnancy and would be trying on their own for a while at advice of their doctor.  We held off on looking for another couple and experienced a failed cycle.  I didn't think that I would want to but I found myself wanting to give it one more shot and a strong feeling that fate had stepped into the process to allow us to make that decision, as we originally planned to donate them as soon as the transfer was complete.  We decided to give it one more go at a frozen cycle and here we are 14 weeks pregnant (yep kind of feeling fate/God wanted this baby with us).

We learned more about the ratings and quality of our frozen embryos during this process of attempting to donate.  They weren't as great as I remembered.  In fact we only had a couple early blasts and mostly morulas frozen.  Granted the ones we did thaw ended up reaching blast stage in time for transfer but still they left a lot to wonder about odds of success.  The remaining four embryos in one straw were supposedly the poorest of the bunch.  We didn't like the idea of giving someone poor odds and a strong possibility of great disappointment, especially after experiencing our failed cycle.  We also didn't want to take the choice away from the couple we originally offered them too.  So I contacted them again and offered the remaining embyros to them with explanation of odds and frozen quality.  They asked for time to consider it and after a week or two they contacted us again with their decision.  They turned them down.  They weren't comfortable with the idea of a possible failure at that time in their lives and didn't want to be holding onto them hoping that a time would come when they would be.  With their decision made we came to a decision on our end as well.  We agreed that we didn't believe there were great odds with these embryos and would likely not wish to try again ourselves even if the worst were to happen with this pregnancy.  We didn't want to spend more money freezing them and looking for another recipient we would feel as good about as the first.  So with that we signed paperwork to have them discarded.

It's both nice and somewhat sad to have that chapter and option closed.  We look forward to having our family complete and welcoming this little one though.  So good things are still to come.

Waiting, Hoping, Wishing and Looking Again (most likely)...

We have our transfer set for 7:45 am tomorrow.  We are hoping that it works and that one little embryo sticks around.  We would take two for sure but we are hoping for just one still.  We won't know the expected success rates until we arrive and talk to the doctor.  There are 3 blastocysts in this straw but since they were frozen prior to the vitrification technology being at our lab it is very unlikely they will all survive the thaw.  We hope that two will survive and be strong contenders.  The nerves and reality still don't seem to sink in yet.  We are so blessed to have this opportunity to try though.  So very grateful that we have been blessed so greatly so far and hope that maybe we can get lucky one more time.

We received word from our hopeful recipient couple and as we somewhat expected they are desirous to try for a pregnancy on their own, at the advice of their doctor.  He believes that the chemical pregnancy may "jump start" her system into remembering what it is supposed to do and advised them to try on their own without IVF for the next 4-6 months.  If it were us in their shoes I'm sure that we would be doing the same thing so it was easy enough to understand.  I am hopeful for them but at the same time the words "jump start" and such sounded a lot like the hope I was given with my POF diagnosis and the suggestion of doing birth control to remind my body of it's purpose and they have been trying for 6 years until this point.  I wonder if they will be successful.  Maybe we'll never know. We've basically left it with the statement that we will be waiting to consider our donation options again until this cycle ends or until a later time in a pregnancy if it is successful.  We will be looking at other couples and options once we feel confident in our decision to do so.  If time goes on and we do find ourselves at the end of their time frame still looking for a resolve with a match then we are both okay with reconnecting and completing what was put in motion and has now been halted.

It is disappointing in that I think we both really liked this couple and felt comfortable in the prospect of donating to them.  But on the other side it doesn't feel like a great loss but perhaps even a comfort in that if we do get attached to the idea of a child and this cycle isn't successful that we can still pursue another round.  Jeff laughs at me with this idea but I don't think we'll know how we feel until the results are in.  I was originally okay with moving on with our girls but now given this possibility back (and the beyond gracious funding of this cycle by my parents) it isn't completely off the table for us to try again sometime after the holidays.

I still hope beyond hope that this will just work this time and to not be disappointed but only the next couple weeks will tell.  And then the weeks to follow after that if necessary as well.

Choices and Sacrifice...

Being a stay-at-home-mom isn't always the preference of every woman.  I love being able to be home with our girls.  But it's not like it doesn't come with sacrifice.  And it's not like there aren't days where I long to be back at work or making some money.  But we made this decision for me to be home when things were easier.  And basically out of necessity also.  Two infants in daycare is not cost effective, especially with what I was doing for work.  We also don't have family close enough to help in watching our kiddos either.  And even that is definitely nothing I would expect for free.

So when my friend says something to me in the realm of "it's not like I get to be home with her all day like you do" in regards to her daughter.  And I hear this tinge of jealousy and "your spoiled" attitude behind it.  I want to roll my eyes.  I believe she'd rather be home with her daughter.  But they've determined to continue their lifestyle and use family for free daycare in exchange for occasional babysitting or whatever arrangement they have.  I honestly don't believe it's not possible for her to be home but rather a choice made.  I don't know their financial situation exactly but have an idea that it would be similar to our own (minus one kid), especially now that Jeff's job has changed.  Can I say I wouldn't make the same choice to bring in some money if we had the options for "daycare" like they do?  Not really...I probably would.  I would be sad to leave the girls behind (even with family) but it would be nice to contribute more than I'm able to now.  I am working part time at night for now, kind of a God send during our current financial situation.  So that is nice.

So while my husband and I joke about "Ramen Wednesdays" and realize that we'll probably be giving up future vacations and other luxuries to pay for life, our friends are going out to eat frequently, splurging on fun activities and I'm sure saving nice chunks of money.  So really...if she wants to complain about leaving her kid behind to go to work all I have to say (or at least think) is that it's her choice.

**I am not making an argument or commentary one way or another for stay-at-home moms or working moms.  I definitely can see the benefit to both.  Heck if I made good money that would balance out daycare I think I would have a lot more inner debate on the topic with myself.  So I guess maybe it's kind of a weird blessing to not have much choice right now.

I am a list...

I have been categorized, prioritized and minimized down to a list. I have become a set number of characteristics and traits...a list. Me. Right down there on that paper (or word file since we used the computer). After all Jeff and I had to narrow me down to a list of characteristics and personality traits and hopes. Hopes for someone else to be even somewhat like me so that it can feel like I have some connection beyond an umbilical cord to this possible baby. It was kind of depressing. It was kind of hopeful. It was really strange. Strange to see myself in a matter of items and qualities that embodied me and what I would have liked to pass onto a child if I had been given the opportunity. Was it more important to pass on hopeful eye color and appearance or to pass on hopeful personality traits or a chance at being intelligent or healthy. It really makes you think when you realize that you are choosing those possibilities and ranking them in an order. We never really considered it as an idealized baby or "designer baby". We wanted things that I possessed or was like to be on the list. I found myself thinking it was good to have a donor who resembled us both (fair skin, light eyes, brownish blonde hair) so that maybe between Jeff and the donor it would look like Jeff and I. But then as Jeff suggested something of his personality traits or interests, I found myself saying he already had his input on those via his sperm whereas I did not. I realized again it wasn't me that would be contributing 1/2 of the DNA. Although it was kind of sad to look at the list of "me" it was also encouraging to know that this was a step in the right direction.

We emailed the list to Nurse G, our DE coordinator with UCRM, and the next day she had sent us an email back saying that she was reviewing donor profiles and felt she had a good match for us. She explained the donor had donated twice before and had produced 22 eggs the first time and 19 the second time. They sent her profile to us in the mail and we're supposed to go over it and let her know what we think. Yah and I thought things were moving fast before.