First Steps and Puppy Love

Seren has taken her first steps and is off and walking.  It is so fun to watch and to see her get more and more brave about the distance she will cross.  It's also fun to clap, encourage and congratulate her and watch the look of pride that comes across her face.  Kendall is close behind but she still likes to try to out run her legs with her body (lunging forward).  She will catch on soon enough though and we work with her on her balance.

Kendall is also recently in love with the dog.  I knew she would be as she's always been just a little more interested in him than Seren.  They both are always trying to grab him and pet him and he's so patient with them.  Really such a good dog.  This morning though Kendall decided to try to give him a kiss.  She made contact with the side of his belly before he ran away from her.  I didn't know if she did it on purpose so I sat her in my lap and called him over for her to pet.  After helping her pet him for a minute she leaned in again and this time (with me holding his collar) made contact with the top of his head.  This poor dog is going to get lots of love maulings in the future I think.

Just adore these girls so much.

I See Myself in You...

There are times with the donor egg aspect of parenthood that even those I love the most may say something that unintentionally hurts a little.  As Jeff and I were getting the girls ready for bed the other night he looked at Kendall and said something about how she does look a lot like him and "I see myself in you" and for a few moments it just really struck me and made me a little sad.  I don't ever want to take away from that marvel that my husband, along with many other parents, get to enjoy...seeing themselves in their children.  And although most days I take little to no note whether Kendall and Seren look anything like me (they probably don't and any similarity I see is most likely just my longing to see it) there are times that I wish just a little to have that connection too.

As I've thought about it over the last couple of days though I realize more and more that I do see myself in them.  Maybe not physically but as they develop and show more personality I feel like I can see my impact on that.  Jeff has told me a few times that they will be very affectionate and say "I love you" a lot because that is how I am with them (his family is a little more shy on the lovey side of things).  I hope so.  And I hope that the older they get the more I will be able to see my personality and that side of things in them (not to say that they won't be their own person...obviously they will).  But I also believe we cultivate and influence the stronger development of this through our parenting.  I see myself in the way that they will interact with the world and I hope that this will be a good influence.

Infertility in the Media...

It always kind of surprises me how much even the subject of infertility in the media hits home for me.  My husband and I have been watching How I Met Your Mother on NetFlix (at the long recommendation of our friends) and once we got over how annoying the main character can be and how funny the others are it's been pretty good.  Well (spoiler alert) we are in the current season 7 now and just watched the episode where Robin "accidentally" found out she is infertile and will never have kids.  Watching the scene where she meets with the doctor to hear this news was like flashback feeling for me.  I felt emotional for her character and also remembering our own meeting with the doctor 5 years ago.  In the episode she is telling this story to her future children and then you find out half-way through they are her imaginary children because she never has children.  I don't know it was just sad to see her dealing with it while her best friend, Lilly, is pregnant and baby shopping.  The episode got over and I just said to Jeff "well that sucked" and we joked a little about how Robin should learn more about donor egg, donor sperm or adoption and still have kids if she wants.  We still have the season and series (when they get to it) to finish and now I find myself routing for my second to least favorite character on the show to end up with a happy ending.

I know it shouldn't surprise me but it always does the emotional gut reaction I have when I watch these sort of shows or hear these stories.  It really is true that infertility can be like PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and that things just trigger those emotions all over again.  I wonder if it ever really goes away.