Secretive Support? Can We Say Oxymoron?

What is supportive about being secretive?  Sure I guess it might get people talking or guessing or trying to figure out what the heck you are posting...but really??  Is it necessary.

I think we all have seen the beginning of heated debates over the facebook or twitter postings with shoe sizes, purses and now the "fake" pregnancy update.  I admit I played along last year with the color of my bra (at least it had something to do with my boobs) and even this year I played the shoe size one (although not getting any correlation).  But when I saw the "fake" pregnancy one circulating I thought that was taking it all a bit too far.  Apparently I wasn't alone with this one.  Many a post has now been created about how this is stupid and just plain hurtful to a lot of people.  After all...what single person wants to post this one, what infertile person wants to post this or read about it and what person who is going through infertility treatment, negative pregnancy tests or heaven forbid a miscarriage or stillbirth wants to see something taken so lightly.  If I were in the midst of infertility treatment or anything like that still it would make me want to curl up and have a good long cry for oh I don't know a week or so...as is I really just want to punch someone in the gut who came up with this idea.

And as one blogger posted...the really sad and sick thing about this one is that many cancer survivors, who do beat cancer, end up on the other side finding themselves infertile.  What idiot thought it was a good idea to "support" breast cancer by mocking some of the very people you want to be supportive of.  Seriously as someone who has "beat" infertility it just infuriates me that someone would use this tactic to "help" someone who may be facing a new battle after kicking cancer's fanny.

So how do we support?  The same way a lot of us have learned to with infertility.  We vocalize.  We speak out.  We don't hide behind little games that tell us that it's not okay to do so.  Cancer is somewhat taboo in our culture too.  We don't like to talk about it so much.  Not so much taboo as infertility probably but it has it's moments.  So instead of hiding behind the game...I challenge you all to post an actual supportive or informative post about breast cancer or any cancer.  "Make a monthly date with your breasts...they deserve it" or "Support The Boobies" or whatever tagline you like.  Share a story or connection you have with someone that has or had breast cancer.  Actually link to something informative or helpful.  Support the cause not the "secrecy".

POF pisses me off

Honestly I despise POF (premature ovarian failure; aka POI premature ovarian insufficiency).  I'm not sure if now after having kids if it pisses me off more on the infertility side or the "old lady" factor or the health conscious side or the "what if" side.

I don't even know if we will want to have another child from our totsicles in the future.  We are so incredibly blessed and happy with our two wonderful girls right now.  We'll always be happy with them but I still wonder if I'd like to give it another go around with a singleton and sibling for them.  I'm not so much worried about deciding or discussing.  It would be a while and the snow angels aren't going anywhere.  But some days it bothers me.  Like when friends who had kids just before I got pregnant are now announcing number 2 and I sit and wonder how that would be (to get pregnant on my own...not have #2 obviously hehe).

Sometimes it's simply what I call the "old lady" factor.  I feel old sometimes.  Past my prime.  When other women in my age bracket haven't even hit their prime.  I feel like I am worrying about things that women my age don't even consider (ie heart disease, osteoporosis, etc).  I wonder if I would have more energy or an easier time with my weight or even a better libido.  I worry if I will age faster or get wrinkles sooner or just basically look older than I am.

I have mentioned it before but I'm back working nights in the medical records temporarily as they prepare to move stuff off-site.  The other night I was sorting radiology files and again found myself comparing my ovary measurement (from 2007) with the women I saw there.  The young women were hitting multiple times my 1cc volume ovary measurement (some obviously with cystic issues in the opposite direction of the problem I have).  But then I beat out a 54 year old lady who had both ovaries measuring in under 1 cc.  Of course one of mine wasn't even visible for the ultrasound so there I go again a 54 year old technically functioning better then I was at 27 years old.  Heaven knows I've only declined even more since then.

I don't miss my genetic children.  I used to.  But there a no longer "what if" questions in the realm at all.  I really wouldn't trade my girls for the world when it comes to that.  It's just all the other darn stuff that POF comes with.  Why can't it just be one or the other instead of all of these other issues on top of infertility.  All I can say is grrrrrrrrrrr!

Skiwampus...

That's one of my new favorite words.  Anyway my body is skiwampus and can't decide what to do with itself.  I started back on my birth control about 3 months after the girls were born.  Two weeks into taking it I started a period.  I thought well I did miss a pill on accident that's probably why but stopped taking the pills to allow my body to straighten itself out.  I waited a month or so past this period to see if anything else happened (asking a general doctor on the way to run my FSH and estradiol...no go from him :p).  Then I started back up a little less then two weeks ago and low and behold another period seems to be rearing its head.  It's been really light so I'm not sure.  But this time I haven't missed taking any of my pills so what gives?

Now I'm understanding why menopausal women find this so annoying.  Before I used to think "yeah a period off schedule...maybe something is happening".  But now it's like I have no expectation or desire (at least at this point) of pregnancy the skiwampus periods are really just annoying instead.  I wish my body would figure itself out so that I could get on with the day.

On the interesting side of life...we put our house on the market less than a week ago (we've had one showing...not sure if it was a favor or actual potential buyer), DH is interviewing with jobs (hoping to have less stress and more time at home) and we bought a used jogging stroller (hopefully it will inspire some exercise once it stops raining...when did I move to Seattle and not realize it??)

Single white "baby" syndrome?

Can babies have a single white female?  DH may laugh at this post or think I'm shallow but oh well.  Here is the jest.  My good friend...yes I love her despite some mild dislike of what she does...copies a lot of what I/we do.  Should I be flattered or annoyed?  Her daughter is basically 3 months old and our daughters are basically 5 months...two months apart.  When we were thinking of names for our girls we settled on Kendall's full name easily (I knew I wanted my mother's name to be the middle if we had a daughter).  But Seren wasn't so easy.  We debated on Riley (Jeff's dad's name...due to a long standing tradition of the males trading off William and Riley for their sons names...Jeff's first name is actually William and he goes by his middle).  We considered if we would have another child or chance at DE IVF and settled into Seren Olivia instead.  We shared this name with this friend.  We debated some more and about a month before they were born we decided Seren Riley would be perfect (in case we never had a boy or another child at all).  I mean who wants to be the one that kills a generational tradition.  My friend asked about names in December and when I didn't mention the middle names she pried a little more to find out.  Well low and behold once Olivia was off the table for us...it suddenly became their daughter's middle name.  Kind of bugged but it happens.

Then it came to the bouncers.  We had a brown and pink ones for both girls and my friend liked them.  She told me they looked at others and couldn't find one they liked as much.  This got copied too.  Then it was their baby blessing dresses.  She was going to make L's dress but it fell through.  She asked where I had bought the girls' dresses.  I gave her a few places I had looked and a direct link to the one I selected (so that she wouldn't pick it).  She bought one from the same place and a nearly identical dress saying she kept eying the one I picked and it would have been her first choice if not for the link I sent.  I mentioned I might add color to the twins dresses to make them more individual and if this was "church approved".  She asked someone she knew (I thought on my behalf) so I thanked her.  She told me "I didn't just ask for you I wanted to know too as I was thinking of doing that".  Next, most recently, they were at our house with the girls hanging out on the floor.  Their daughter doesn't love tummy time but when placed by the crib mirrors I have out for the twins she smiled and seemed to do better.  What do they do?  Immediately get on their smart phone and order their daughter the exact same one without leaving or even pause for thought.  Seriously?

I guess it shouldn't bother me.  It's just baby items.  But there are TONS of baby items out there.  Why do you have to get so much of the exact same stuff we have?  Hopefully it doesn't keep up but I'm kind of interested to see.

Woes of the fertile...

*warning: I may sound like an ungrateful infertile lady here but don't want to censor what I think either*

Why do the fertile find it necessary to tell the infertile about it?  Okay no I don't want to say you have to pick and choose your topics of conversation around me.  But really?  I have a friend that has two kids already and apparently went through an ectopic pregnancy recently.  She proceeded to tell me about it online through chat.  I felt like I was talked down to (i.e. "ectopic is a tubal pregnancy in case you didn't know") and then she treated it like it was a full blown miscarriage (she hadn't even gotten a positive pregnancy test).  She wasn't even far along enough for it to damage her tubes, which is what I thought all the fuss and drama was about.  I would've actually felt she had the right to feel how she did and felt more sorry for her if she'd lost a tube.  But I'm sorry...call me a self-centered biotch...but an ectopic pregnancy that isn't even far enough along to damage a tube doesn't even cross the line I would draw for it being a baby yet.  Which is how she treated it..."they had to take the baby" and as if her hormones were out of whack and she had "baby blues" because of this.  I don't know.  I guess I should be grateful I don't have to worry about having a tubal or a miscarriage (most likely) but dang gina can we lay off the dramatics for this kind of thing when you're telling a friend that you very well know can never have a kid on her own.  It's not the end of the world.  And yes you are as you say "young and still want more kids" but you know what (even though I have two beautiful girls now)...maybe I did too or would like to at least feel it was my choice.

The donor specialist "appointment"

Jeff and I tried to go to an appointment with the egg donor specialist yesterday. Emphasis is on "tried". What a joke. We sat in the waiting room for 45 minutes before Jeff asked the receptionist what was going on. Then we waited another 10 minutes before the specialist called us in. Then she apologized and had the nerve to tell us she didn't know about the appointment and didn't have it written down. She proceded to try and ask me about history and the doctor we were working with and told me she didn't have my file available either...I guess I shouldn't have expected her to since she didn't have the appointment written down. But I think it just sunk in at that point and really set me off. I snapped at her and said "Are you kidding me? You don't have my file and you're not even prepared for this meeting? Forget it! We're leaving!" And I got up and stormed out of her office and out of the Clinic office with Jeff following behind me. I was livid and it just annoys me. You set an appointment expecting them to have information and to get answers...stuff you've been thinking about and looking forward to learning more about for a few weeks or more and then they totally drop the ball. I contacted Dr. G's office and asked them who to file a formal complaint with and we're going that route.

We even considered other clinics but the only other one in Utah doesn't have the best success rates or experience with donor egg and it costs more. The one's outside of Utah cost around $32k and that's not including travel expense, etc. So in the long run it looks like we are stuck with this clinic. I will definitely be checking on how involved this woman would be in a cycle though...like if she monitors or has anything to do with it past selecting a donor then I will be expressing my concerns left and right.

Despite my complaints...

I have little to really truly complain about despite that I do complain. I suppose I've been thinking this due to amount of complaining that I read on infertility boards that I belong to. I already feel or know that I can't change my situation so why be bitter or begrudge people who aren't faced with infertility. Yes I still hold ill feelings toward the women who abuse or neglect their children and I even have moments when I think that parents who have their kids repeatedly taken away and parental right terminated should be sterilized. Perhaps that is another part of the reason why I am quitting my job (I work child protective services and see the worst of parents). But in the end complaining doesn't solve my situation. The only thing that solves my situation is to make the best of it. That's what we're doing. Jeff and I make the best of what we have and I think we do a fine job of it. I am grateful for a strong marriage and a good husband.

I don't enjoy reading or hearing of how women with infertility feel it's injustice that a unmarried girl got pregnant or a woman with one child already that can't keep an immaculate house doesn't deserve to have another. These women didn't get pregnant to spite you. It's just how the cards fell. I'm sure there are many things that we just don't understand in this life. But I really don't think that focusing on another's blessings will help us to realize our own. To realize our own blessings we have to keep our focus inward and our faith upward. I hope that I can do that.