Myth Busted: They won't want me if I can't have kids...

Infertility can strengthen a relationship.  Infertility can destroy a relationship.  For us, infertility was there from day one in our marriage.  I met my wonderful husband in August 2006 and began seeing my doctor at the end of that year, after skipping my period for four months .  I didn't know there was something wrong at the time.  Even with the proposition of POF by my doctor in early 2007 things in my life kept taking their course.  I mentioned to Jeff I was seeing the doctor for some issues but never imagined POF would really happen so I didn't tell him that part.  About the time that Jeff and I began talking about marriage and looking at rings and all of those fun things some not so "fun" news came.  My doctor wanted to do a last ditch effort of putting me on the pill for 6 months but it was fairly certain that I did have ovarian failure despite only being 26.  In May 2007 I decided I would lay all my cards out on the table to Jeff.  I couldn't have kids.  We weren't engaged and I didn't expect him to stay with me with this 99% certain diagnosis.  Jeff didn't balk.  I somewhat felt he was putting on a brave front or the "things will work out...it's just a fluke" that I felt up until then.  I told him that I wanted him to really think things through and understand what it would mean for us if he were to stay with me.  I basically gave him an out and told him I'd understand if he took it.   He agreed to think about it only at my request.  Infertility didn't stop things though and in June we were engaged and in October 2007 we were married.

Among wedding planning and newlywed bliss I think we both somewhat forgot about the impending truth.  At the end of November my prescription ran out and early December resulted in a blood draw and a final doctor's appointment.  Bring your husband.  It couldn't be good news.  I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure and basically no chance, beyond a miracle, of having kids on my own.  It really hit that time.  I was devastated and broke down in tears in front of my doctor and Jeff.  I felt betrayed by my body and like in some small way I had betrayed or tricked Jeff into marrying me.  I was depressed for months.  I went about my job as mindlessly as possible and then would come home emotionally exhausted.  For weeks, Jeff would come from work to find me in bed crying or sleeping.  I would cry myself to sleep.  He had no idea what to do for me.  He would lay down beside me and just hold me.  What else could be done.  As time passed things generally got better.  But we had our bad times too.  We had fights over it or things related to it.  There were a couple of time where I didn't know if we would make it through.  But we did.

I never once felt like Jeff didn't want to be with me be with me because of infertility.  For some I'm sure that was or is a determining factor.  For me it was only another reason to realize that he would love me no matter what.  I have been so greatly blessed by having such a wonderful man in my life that despite my pushing him away at times refused to leave.  I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am both in how he treats me and now in how he treats our girls.  I am so lucky.  We are so lucky to have him.

Sometimes I think how little we both knew about the real impact that infertility would have on us when we agreed to take it on together.  But together we did.  In the beginning I didn't want to burden him with my issues.  But that is the wonderful thing I've learned about marriage, it's pure design is so that husband and wife can help bear one another's burdens.  It doesn't mean the burden is lighter as a whole but it certainly helps to have someone sharing the load.

Myth Busted: Won't it be weird...

Won't it be weird to carry and have a child who isn't genetically yours?  Okay so I've probably read or seen this online more then I've actually heard it myself.  Part of that is probably due to the fact the donor egg aspect of my children's make up isn't something I openly discuss with everyone.  Even some of those that we have been open with don't necessarily understand the depth of my diagnosis and what was required for me to get pregnant.  I don't openly discuss this with a lot of people due to the fact I feel it isn't my information to share.  I believe that these girls should have an understanding of how they came to be before anyone else.  Yes we have talked to some immediate family about it...after all we don't want the girls to say something about it to grandma or grandpa and then feel it is "shocking" or "shameful" news based on the reaction of someone who was uninformed.  We want them to have a support to understand it's totally okay and normal.

But anyway I lose my train of thought.  Was it weird to carry these kiddos who are genetically unrelated to me?  Heavens no.  Pregnancy was weird in itself sometimes...realizing a human being (or two in this case) were growing inside me.  Yah that part was sometimes mind boggling.  But that was the only thing I ever considered strange.  Perhaps my pregnancy was different in that I don't remember thinking very often, "I wonder what they'll look like".  I felt like I had no idea.  I hoped that they would look like Jeff somewhat and I was excited about the mysterious part of them I didn't know.

Is it weird caring for and raising our kids?  (yes...our kids...not Jeff's or someone else's...they are 100% ours).  I couldn't imagine anything more natural about caring for, raising and loving my babies.  Kendall and Seren are  the second best thing to ever happen to me.  The first being that I met and married my best friend who has taken every step of this journey with me.  I look at them and see myself.  That probably sounds silly to some. I don't see my physical self.  But I see my nurturing self...the part that will undoubtedly have an impact on who they become also.  I feel like the way we raise them and teach them is the way we pass on what truly matters...not their eye/hair color, smiles and other traits.

So blessed...

I am so blessed.  Having twins has been a unique experience.  Both from the pregnancy and seeing them "play" on the ultrasounds together and into the daily life of raising them.  Kendall and Seren have started paying more and more attention to each other these days.  I will lay them next to each other and they will turn to look at each other and just coo and smile away.  Seren saves her best smiles and excitement for her sister I've decided.  But like this morning, it is also so fun to have two beautiful babies smiling back at me when we play.  How many people get to experience that really?  I'm so lucky and blessed.  I am excited to see all the unique experiences we will have with these two little angels.

Thoughts of Pregnancy -- Post Pregnancy

I have thought about my post pregnancy thoughts more so recently.  Like how I feel about having any possibility of my own genetic children after having our beautiful girls.  I hope I don't offend anyone by saying this.  I know we all come from different experiences and situations.  Some have children prior to taking the route of donor egg children, some only have the option of donor egg children and some still feel a desire for a genetic child after having a donor egg child.  We all have the right to feel how we do and pursue our desires how we see fit.  So where do I fall?

When I consider the very slim chance of getting pregnant on my own the only thing I really think would be great is not having a team of doctors involved with the conception and not having to have needles stuck in my back side daily for 10-12 weeks straight.  I would also love to not have to take hormones for the rest of my life in hopes that I don't end up with osteoporosis or other POF/POI side effects.

I used to imagine how I would love for my body to kick into gear after pregnancy and possibly get pregnant without intervention.  I believe Jeff and I used to talk about how I wouldn't use birth control then either and we'd just see what happened.  But after having Kendall and Seren, I can honestly say that I have no real desire to have a genetic child.  I can't imagine feeling any more connected to one or more love towards one or whatever reason it is that makes us want to perpetuate our own DNA.  Most days I forget that these girls don't share any of my genetics.  And even more so I wonder how they would feel if we were to have a genetic child.  Not that any parent would ever treat their children differently or feel different towards them.  But then I wonder...would they somehow feel second best?  Just the thought of it diminishing their importance (even if it were just a feeling they had or quietly never expressed) makes me think I would never pursue that.  I couldn't be more lucky than in having them.

Not the Architect...

I had a thought today as I was hanging out with the girls and just loving on them and admiring them.  I was thinking about the article I posted last time and how it says that the egg and sperm are what make the "blueprint" but the mother's body is what creates the child.  Well anyway I may not be the architect but I think I make one hell of a contractor and builder. 

 Aren't they the cutest?

 I've been trying to get a picture of them holding hands and this is the closest we came :) haha

Family of Four...

We are enjoying our little family of four.  It is interesting and definitely a world of difference when we are home at night.  We don't get out much I'm afraid.  Hopefully when the weather warms up more that will change.  I am so looking forward to spring and summer.  It's a nice day today and I'm pondering taking the girls out with me but they are sleeping and I don't want to throw them in their car seats just to go for a walk right now.  I do love the new stroller we got though (baby trend double snap and go) is going to be a huge investment I think.  And $75 is actually not bad for the purpose it'll serve...plus I plan to turn around and sell it second-hand when we're done with it.  I've gotten a number of things online for the girls lately (books, booster/high chairs and a play mat/gym).  I'm excited to try out the chairs and the mat.

The girls are getting bigger.  They both have double chins now and chubby cheeks.  So cute.  I'm guessing they are around 7 lbs or so each.  They are following us more with their eyes now and like to grab fingers (and hair...ouch) with their hands when we hold them.  We are just waiting for a real purposeful social smile still...they smile sometimes where it doesn't seem to be related to gas but they haven't started smiling back at us just yet.

It Won't Be Like This For Long...

The girls are two weeks old now. Two weeks of loving them, feeding them, diapering them and loosing sleep. Oh sleep how we miss you :) hehe You have to laugh or you might cry from exhaustion. I just hope that Jeff is surviving. I try to take care of them at night the best I can with juggling but there are many times when I can't and Jeff is always good to get them from the crib, feed them or cuddle with them despite the fact he is exhausted. I hope we can get their schedules more on track with his.

Anyway during the hard times I think of how soon enough they will be bigger and sleep longer and then things will be a little easier. Then I think of the country song about this and how quickly they will grow and how much you'll miss it when it's gone. So I definitely try to enjoy the little moments and adorable babies that we have now and try not to mentally trade them in for babies that will sleep through the night. It always makes me teary eyed to think of them growing up so fast and getting bigger. Especially knowing this may be our only time with little newborn babies. But I'm so grateful that things worked for us and for Kendall and Seren to be here. I know they were meant to be a part of our family and I can't wait (okay yes I can) to watch them grow.

As to my donor egg feelings...

I wanted to address this also for anyone considering donor egg or wondering how it may be to go this route. I worried a little during my pregnancy that I would feel inadequate or annoyed or many other things with people talking about the girls and who they might look like or such things. Interestingly enough the two people who have commented on this aspect (Lisa's husband James and my Aunt) both were aware of the donor egg aspect...not sure they really understand it though. James said he thought Seren looked like me while they were up to visit at the hospital (no biggie and I just smiled and said "you think so?") and then my Aunt was sitting with us at home and started talking about how she was just trying to figure out who the girls looked like. I didn't bring up the donor egg aspect again with her...if she doesn't remember the details or understand it more then regular IVF I am okay with that (especially after the last time of her telling other family members about my health that I didn't want to know). But yah it doesn't bother me at all to have people say things like this. I think both girls are distinctive to themselves in looks. I would say that Kendall looks a little like Jeff and his family (but not even strongly there)...the nurse staff, my mom and I seem to think Kendall might have a little bit of red hair (never saw that happening...even though red hair runs in Jeff's family and mine a little too...so people were always saying we had a good chance of a little red-head). Sometimes I even strangely think Kendall might look a little like my family babies do. Both Kendall and Seren have long slender fingers and some similarities to each other. I thought at first they were very different in appearance but now I think they are starting to look more alike (like siblings only of course hehe). Seren is my little button nosed baby. I love how her little nose gives her character and how she is so facially expressive it seems. They have these facial expressions that I just love. I still believe both girls will end up with brown eyes but I may surprised there too. Jeff has hazel eyes and the donor had brown eyes with very little recessive blue eyes in her family. I would say that I have grown comfortable with the idea of the girls not looking like me and just being curious with how their appearance will change and how they will grow into themselves. I love them for the world and wouldn't change how they looked for a minute.

I feel no regrets or weird feelings about how we started our family. I worried a little with my non-emotional or crying reaction at their being born that something might be off. But with each passing day and hour spent with them I feel closer to them and more bonded. I sit there when changing and feeding them sometimes and think of how perfect they are and how much I love them already and just tear up or cry. Maybe I'm hormonal hehe but I know that can't be the whole reason. I know that love will just continue to grow too and become incomprehensible to how much I can love them.

The only concerns I feel like I have with things is with my POF and how this might affect breast milk supply and things of that nature. I had what I felt was a good first and second pump (1 1/2 oz...one breast as Seren nurses while I pump the opposite breast to supplement Kendall with) but then it went down to less then an ounce and barely an ounce. I was frustrated and worried. I think though that a lot of this had to do with my crazed nesting upon coming home, my exhaustion and just emotional drop with hormones and worrying about it. I've been trying to be less obsessed with it and just making sure I eat and drink enough and this morning I had a 2 1/2 oz pump (yeah!!). I'm also ordering different/bigger breast shield size (this is supposed to help as I am bigger then the average breast). So I think it will get better.

Grateful for our luck...

I have been following blogs of many women in the infertility world. Most of them are women with POF or DOR (diminished ovarian reserve). Some of them are pregnant and some are in the various stages of DE cycles or trying other fertility treatments. Some have had failed cycles and some are trying their first time around. I've just been thinking about it and how grateful I am that we were lucky the first time around.

We had really good odds in our favor based on the quality of eggs our donor gave and also on my own health history and healthy bits (sans my ovaries of course). I remember being so stressed about the idea of it not working and feeling like it wouldn't. I felt much more at ease the day of transfer when they had better info and odds for us and also told us we would have 11 embryos to freeze. But there was still fear in my mind that it might not work or that my body might throw another wrench out there. We are sooooo grateful it worked. I feel so incredibly blessed and I wish it were like this for everyone. I can't imagine being one who's hopes are dashed despite one of the most advanced and invasive procedures you can go through to have a child.

Jeff and I had our fall-back plan. We cushioned it up nice and tight and added more to it the closer things came. It started out with getting another dog. We both love having Thor and thought we would add another fur-baby if no real baby was in store. I also determined that I would like to get a tattoo (yep Mom...you read it right). I had a triskel design picked out and the meaning that it had for me to move forward and not look back or regret the past. I told Jeff where I wanted to get it (between my shoulder blades) and even began looking at places to have it done.

*a look at what could've been

Last but not least when we were mid-cycle and realizing our hopes were hanging on this one thing we determined we would go on a cruise together if it didn't work. A big brouhaha of sorts to just enjoy each other and have a grand time.

But in the end we were one of the lucky ones. So lucky. And so grateful.

10 week ultrasound and last shot...

Jeff and I went to our first ob/gyn ultrasound and prenatal appointment yesterday. I was still nervous a little but once the nurse said they'd be doing an ultrasound I settled in. She also asked about medical history and periods and all that mumbo jumbo (she couldn't find my chart...prob cause it was under my maiden name there) and I told her about the IVF and my POF diagnosis. I figure I am being upfront with my medical professionals as I want these babies to get the best care and have all medical knowledge upfront for those needs.

Next we waited in the ultrasound room for Dr L. I unfortunately had the displeasure of wearing two giant napkins for clothes (makes me realize I really liked the actual cloth drapes that UCRM used). Dr L came in the room and was very pleasant. She told me congratulations and seemed to remember a little about my history (I was the second person she ever diagnosed with POF so it didn't surprise me). We told her we had done IVF and had a 6 week ultrasound for twins and she was very happy. She asked if we had been able to use any of my eggs and I told her no we had used a donor and she was all smiles and said "well that's okay they are still your babies". She was just very sweet. She asked about symptoms like nausea/vomiting and I told her I hadn't and asked about the stomach bug I had around 7 weeks and she wasn't concerned with it. She did an exam and some other tests and then did the ultrasound.

She skimmed over the first baby so quickly and settled on the other that to me seemed bigger that I got a little worried. But she said both babies looked good and did measurements on the one first before going back to the other. She pointed out the little flickering of heart beats and we were able to see each baby moving their little arms. I started tearing up and crying a little at that point. I don't know if it was relief to see they were okay or just excitement to see something that looked like a baby and it became more real. Jeff was very excited too and held my hand as I wiped away tears with the other. Dr L congratulated us again and was just genuinely so happy for us and asked how long it had been since we started our journey and was just about right on in her estimate. She said she was sorry that she wouldn't be here for their birth and I told her I was disappointed she was moving but grateful she hadn't yet.

After the ultrasound confirmed all was okay Dr L did mention to me that she was a little concerned that I didn't have morning sickness but that all was well so I should count myself lucky (oh and I do). She let me get dressed after that and then came back and brought some information for us and talked to us about the risks of twins and also prenatal care and weight gain (35-45 lbs for twins). I'm not looking forward to that but I have lost about 10 lbs so maybe it won't take that into account and I can consider it more like 25 lbs from where I was HAHA

This morning we did our last PIO shot. I can say that I won't miss those, although in honesty they weren't really bad they just got old day-after-day. I'm also discontinuing my estradiol pills at this point and will just be taking my vitamins (prenatal and prob start recommended iron and calcium supplements also) and my thyroid medicine. Yeah! I'm kind of normal now :)

Anyway we are so excited and feel so lucky. I can't say it enough that I hope this is motivational to anyone dealing with IF or POF or considering DE IVF. I hope it's not hurtful or anything like that. I also hope you humor me in posting pictures as this is also a blog for us to remember and to share with family.

I am so lucky...

I am so lucky to have married the man I did. He truly is my best friend. Jeff is so selfless and always willing to do anything for me. I want to learn to be more like that. He is so patient and kind. He's never made me feel bad for my weaknesses or second best to anything (okay he loves his video games alot...but I know with a simple request he's right there). I don't know how many men would have stuck by my side during the last year. I'm sure it wasn't fun a month into marriage to have to deal with a depressed bride and constant tears and different bouts with emotion. But he has been my biggest support and I don't know how I could have made it through so "gracefully" without him. I appreciate him so much and admire so many things about him. He makes me laugh all the time and I can say or do anything around him. He is always willing to help around the house and make dinner...even more so now that my work hours have changed. He is always there for me even when I think I can do it on my own...yes I'm the stubborn one. He is the best and ever will be the best thing to ever happen to me.