Life Outside of Other Stuff...

Life beyond the current thoughts with possible cycles and upcoming failures attempts is going quite well.  I am feeling more in the swing of life again since the disappointing BFN.  Never thought I would be writing about BFNs and other attempts on this blog after we had the girls.  I was very happy and content with my life and though exhausted and stretched thin with parenting twins it was good.  It still is good.  But I do want more.  Or at least I want to try for more.  Who knows if that will come or not.

The night after our appointment with Dr H, I was putting my sweet girls to bed.  I was so grateful for them.  I held them a little longer than usual, got a little teary-eyed and whispered to them how they would always be enough for me if we weren't able to have any more.  It's true.  I will forever be grateful for them making me a mom.  And sometimes I think maybe I was blessed with twins the first time because God knew it wasn't going to work again.  I'm glad they will always have someone to be with them, closer than most siblings will be (I hope).  I hope we can add another but if it's not meant to be then we will still have plenty to be thankful for.

Kendall has said to me a few times in the days since the appointment "don't worry mommy...don't worry" and I wondered where she even picked up the word or understanding of worrying.  Maybe it shows that I worry and have been worried about things.  She is always my little empathetic and emotionally-connected child.  She gets it.  I don't really know why but she is good at reading emotion and seeing the details.  I keep holding onto her words of 'don't worry' as things move forward again.

Seren is full of spunk as usual.  She is a tease and a clown.  She loves to get attention and laughs.  She loves to do things for herself and try to do things for Kendall sometimes (not understanding that Kendall has the same drive to do it alone).  She loves to say "I'm so happy" lately (for big and minor things that make her smile) and has started saying "I love you too" when you tell her you love her.

They still look out for each other and try to care for their needs.  I love that the most still.  Friends enjoy watching their kids play with other children and hugging their friends or holding a hand.  I get to witness this most every day.  There are the additional fights and tantrums caused by each other of course but I love seeing the friendship they have.  

Life is going well and things are good no matter the outcomes that will happen.  In the meantime I am looking forward to the holidays and the excitement and family time and fun that surrounds this time of year.

Autoimmune Link...

I still feel our failed FET could be related to autoimmune issues.  Yes there's always the blame card right?  My body has been it's own combination punching bag and Mike Tyson for the last several years though.  It took out my thyroid with Graves' Disease.  Possibly was a factor in taking out my ovaries.  And for lack of any other good reason I think it may have helped take out the poor little embryo and chance that was given.

I know most doctors would call me crazy (or any woman crazy) but I honestly really believe that the cramping and twinge feelings I had the evening of and day after the transfer were that embryo trying to make a home.  It wasn't cramping all over.  It was one very precise side and spot.  And I felt it a few times over those first few days in the same place.  Followed by achey fullness and light stretching almost as well and then some lower back cramps.  I was 100% convinced it was working.  Then my body started reacting to the shots (maybe coincidental but I still wonder) and it was very soon after that all of those "good" feelings went away and I started realizing it was over.

I've read A LOT on autoimmune stuff in the past and now I've begun reading about secondary infertility (non-ART and via failed IVF cycles) and found medical information about the body (especially those with a history of autoimmune issues) developing natural killer cells and T-cells (?) that can work in the uterus and target and even prevent implantation of the embryo from being successful.  I wonder if that was and would be the case in the future.  I emailed the team to also ask about this possibility (without going into detail on the feelings I had) and any testing to do before trying another transfer.  We will see what Dr H has to say if anything about it.  If anyone reading this has experience with autoimmune stuff or treatment during IVF please let me know (I appreciate the contact I did receive and will reply soon).

Update on asking Dr H.  He agrees that this possibility is definitely worth looking into and possibly testing for and also mentioned prevention/suppression he has done with other patients.  He mentioned steroid treatment during cycle and also use of baby aspirin and a possible endometrium biopsy.  He also shared a research article about mild medical injury (ie scratching) to the uterus prior to a cycle improving the chances of implantation greatly.  It sounds like we will need to set up an appointment with him to go into more detail.  It makes me hopeful that he actually considers this a very possible interaction though.  I wish we would have considered this before we used up our best frozen chance.  I hope it's not too late if we look at it now.

Beta Blues...

I have the beta blues.  Big Fat Negative of course.  Right now I think BFN stands for something besides Fat and I don't mean Fluffy.

I was grateful a male drew my blood today as what was the likelihood he'd ask anything personal.  I had my backside checked by a nurse who said it looked sore and reactive for sure.  She went to her computer saying we would need to order a different solution with olive oil instead of sesame oil and try that.  I told her I didn't think it was necessary and cried a little saying I'd already tested at home.  Way to blow my cover that I was worried about before right?  She handed me tissues and said she would call when they knew for sure.

Drove home and a couple hours later got the call that immediately was left for voice mail to pick up.  Negative.  Negative.  Negative.  No surprise but it hurt to hear for absolute certain.  Silly me even emailed later to make sure running the test two days early wouldn't have made a difference.  Rub salt in the wound.  Yep why not?  A phone call with an even more solid "it was negative for sure.  I'm sorry".

Jeff was wonderful and came home from work without asking.  What else do you do when your wife sobs on the phone to you.  So now my eyes are still full of tears and my belly is full of hot wings and french onion soup.  I can't complain forever.  I had my two sweet girls with me when I listened to the voice mail.  They both sensed that this was worse than the weepy mom of the last couple of days.  Seren patted me on the leg and laid her head on my lap and kept saying "ohhhhh"  Kendall crawled up next to me and also laid on me.  When I talked to Jeff he talked to the girls for a minute and Seren in a very concerned voice said "Daddy...Mommy not happy".  He asked them to give me a hug which they had already been doing.  Blessings.  Pure sweet blessings.  I'm focusing on that.