Reflections

I am taking up a "homework challenge" from Keiko at Hannah Wept Sarah Laughed to review some of my old and beginner posts and reflect on how I've grown and changed during this infertility struggle and journey.  I was basically diagnosed with POI/POF around age 26 and fully diagnosed at 27.  I was devastated and I used to feel irritated or bitter toward women who were older than me and were able to get pregnant.  My initial diagnosis was the darkest time I can recall in my life.  I started this blog about a year after that diagnosis.  Sometimes I wish I would have started it right from the beginning to really see the changes in attitude but I was definitely in no place at that time to be able to share that pain and insecurity with anyone.  I felt like a failure.  I felt like a disappointment.  I felt betrayed by my own self.  Anyway so I can't share with you the worst part of my travels but I'm sure it mirrors a lot of what many infertile people may feel.

As to reflections of posts that began my blogging.  I noticed a lot of gratitude for my husband and I can never express enough how much his support got me through.  I wouldn't claim he's the only person who could have or would have pulled me out or gone through it with me but I think he was the best person for the job.

I also look at the things that I was so worried about missing out on with children.  I was worried about not sharing looks and eye color and genetics.  Of course that is such a normal thing to be sad about initially but it honestly never crosses my mind anymore.  I think of how beautiful my daughters are and how much I love them and I can't imagine why those things mattered so much.  I realize these are the after thoughts of someone who has been lucky enough to be where I am and in no way consider it wrong for other's to mourn that loss.  But I really can tell you that it is such a null and void thought on this side.  I also worried about my feelings being less connected or attached to my kids based on the missing genetic link.  I couldn't be further off base with this worry.

One of my favorite posts of reflection was this one regarding "normal".  I was so wrapped up in being normal for the first year of my diagnosis and hoping and praying for miracles to happen and for us to conceive on our own that I missed out on a lot.  I'm glad that we had time on our side.  I'm actually glad at this juncture that I wasn't diagnosed during attempts to conceive and instead that it happened before I was even married.  It taught me about true love.  It helped me to grow and learn (and for us to save a butt load of money) before we pursued our donor egg in-vitro attempt.  It was actually a blessing in disguise even though I felt it was such horrible timing then.

So I end with a quote I still love today:
My darling girl when are you going to understand that being normal is not necessarily a virtue...it rather denotes a lack of courage. - Practical Magic-

No one who is required to go through great measures to achieve their dreams of a family can really say it's the "normal" route but it's the route we're given and we're all courageous for taking it on in whatever fashion we do.  So props to all of the infertility community out there and for all of your amazing courage.

What I've learned...

We were hanging out with our good friends the other night.  Their daughter is basically 2 months younger then Kendall and Seren.  She is adorable.  Anyway they were sitting with her between them and comparing her looks to their own.  "I think she has my mouth but your eyes" and "No her mouth is more heart shaped like mine".  I just held one of my daughters and smiled.  I didn't really care which parent their daughter looked like so I wasn't going to comment or add my opinion.  I have noticed I don't really comment on things of that nature with babies and their parents.  I guess it's just not my focus anymore.  Anyway it just made me think about the things I've read about how genetics are not just in whole passed down from the parent.  It is not one parent or the other that is reflected in the child's appearance.  It could be a paternal aunt, a maternal grandmother or a distant relative that a child appears to have the look of.  Truthfully they only look like themselves in my opinion (and as DH puts it).

So some things that I have learned from being the mom to two beautiful girls via egg donation are:  genetics play no part in how we feel about our kids,  genetics are so much more complicated (ie epigenetics) then most people seem to understand, parental love is deeper than anything that would be "skin deep" or in that realm and I have the children I was meant to have heart, body and soul.

*side note* There is so much information on epigenetics.  I agree with the article above that it does not or should not discredit the donor's egg or DNA.  I know I wouldn't have been able to get pregnant or have these kids without her (and I plan on telling our kids that same truth).  But I also believe that there is some play on the appearance and ultimate outcome of children born of donor eggs through epigenetics.

Myth Busted: Won't it be weird...

Won't it be weird to carry and have a child who isn't genetically yours?  Okay so I've probably read or seen this online more then I've actually heard it myself.  Part of that is probably due to the fact the donor egg aspect of my children's make up isn't something I openly discuss with everyone.  Even some of those that we have been open with don't necessarily understand the depth of my diagnosis and what was required for me to get pregnant.  I don't openly discuss this with a lot of people due to the fact I feel it isn't my information to share.  I believe that these girls should have an understanding of how they came to be before anyone else.  Yes we have talked to some immediate family about it...after all we don't want the girls to say something about it to grandma or grandpa and then feel it is "shocking" or "shameful" news based on the reaction of someone who was uninformed.  We want them to have a support to understand it's totally okay and normal.

But anyway I lose my train of thought.  Was it weird to carry these kiddos who are genetically unrelated to me?  Heavens no.  Pregnancy was weird in itself sometimes...realizing a human being (or two in this case) were growing inside me.  Yah that part was sometimes mind boggling.  But that was the only thing I ever considered strange.  Perhaps my pregnancy was different in that I don't remember thinking very often, "I wonder what they'll look like".  I felt like I had no idea.  I hoped that they would look like Jeff somewhat and I was excited about the mysterious part of them I didn't know.

Is it weird caring for and raising our kids?  (yes...our kids...not Jeff's or someone else's...they are 100% ours).  I couldn't imagine anything more natural about caring for, raising and loving my babies.  Kendall and Seren are  the second best thing to ever happen to me.  The first being that I met and married my best friend who has taken every step of this journey with me.  I look at them and see myself.  That probably sounds silly to some. I don't see my physical self.  But I see my nurturing self...the part that will undoubtedly have an impact on who they become also.  I feel like the way we raise them and teach them is the way we pass on what truly matters...not their eye/hair color, smiles and other traits.

Thoughts of Pregnancy -- Post Pregnancy

I have thought about my post pregnancy thoughts more so recently.  Like how I feel about having any possibility of my own genetic children after having our beautiful girls.  I hope I don't offend anyone by saying this.  I know we all come from different experiences and situations.  Some have children prior to taking the route of donor egg children, some only have the option of donor egg children and some still feel a desire for a genetic child after having a donor egg child.  We all have the right to feel how we do and pursue our desires how we see fit.  So where do I fall?

When I consider the very slim chance of getting pregnant on my own the only thing I really think would be great is not having a team of doctors involved with the conception and not having to have needles stuck in my back side daily for 10-12 weeks straight.  I would also love to not have to take hormones for the rest of my life in hopes that I don't end up with osteoporosis or other POF/POI side effects.

I used to imagine how I would love for my body to kick into gear after pregnancy and possibly get pregnant without intervention.  I believe Jeff and I used to talk about how I wouldn't use birth control then either and we'd just see what happened.  But after having Kendall and Seren, I can honestly say that I have no real desire to have a genetic child.  I can't imagine feeling any more connected to one or more love towards one or whatever reason it is that makes us want to perpetuate our own DNA.  Most days I forget that these girls don't share any of my genetics.  And even more so I wonder how they would feel if we were to have a genetic child.  Not that any parent would ever treat their children differently or feel different towards them.  But then I wonder...would they somehow feel second best?  Just the thought of it diminishing their importance (even if it were just a feeling they had or quietly never expressed) makes me think I would never pursue that.  I couldn't be more lucky than in having them.

Not the Architect...

I had a thought today as I was hanging out with the girls and just loving on them and admiring them.  I was thinking about the article I posted last time and how it says that the egg and sperm are what make the "blueprint" but the mother's body is what creates the child.  Well anyway I may not be the architect but I think I make one hell of a contractor and builder. 

 Aren't they the cutest?

 I've been trying to get a picture of them holding hands and this is the closest we came :) haha

Family of Four...

We are enjoying our little family of four.  It is interesting and definitely a world of difference when we are home at night.  We don't get out much I'm afraid.  Hopefully when the weather warms up more that will change.  I am so looking forward to spring and summer.  It's a nice day today and I'm pondering taking the girls out with me but they are sleeping and I don't want to throw them in their car seats just to go for a walk right now.  I do love the new stroller we got though (baby trend double snap and go) is going to be a huge investment I think.  And $75 is actually not bad for the purpose it'll serve...plus I plan to turn around and sell it second-hand when we're done with it.  I've gotten a number of things online for the girls lately (books, booster/high chairs and a play mat/gym).  I'm excited to try out the chairs and the mat.

The girls are getting bigger.  They both have double chins now and chubby cheeks.  So cute.  I'm guessing they are around 7 lbs or so each.  They are following us more with their eyes now and like to grab fingers (and hair...ouch) with their hands when we hold them.  We are just waiting for a real purposeful social smile still...they smile sometimes where it doesn't seem to be related to gas but they haven't started smiling back at us just yet.

As to my donor egg feelings...

I wanted to address this also for anyone considering donor egg or wondering how it may be to go this route. I worried a little during my pregnancy that I would feel inadequate or annoyed or many other things with people talking about the girls and who they might look like or such things. Interestingly enough the two people who have commented on this aspect (Lisa's husband James and my Aunt) both were aware of the donor egg aspect...not sure they really understand it though. James said he thought Seren looked like me while they were up to visit at the hospital (no biggie and I just smiled and said "you think so?") and then my Aunt was sitting with us at home and started talking about how she was just trying to figure out who the girls looked like. I didn't bring up the donor egg aspect again with her...if she doesn't remember the details or understand it more then regular IVF I am okay with that (especially after the last time of her telling other family members about my health that I didn't want to know). But yah it doesn't bother me at all to have people say things like this. I think both girls are distinctive to themselves in looks. I would say that Kendall looks a little like Jeff and his family (but not even strongly there)...the nurse staff, my mom and I seem to think Kendall might have a little bit of red hair (never saw that happening...even though red hair runs in Jeff's family and mine a little too...so people were always saying we had a good chance of a little red-head). Sometimes I even strangely think Kendall might look a little like my family babies do. Both Kendall and Seren have long slender fingers and some similarities to each other. I thought at first they were very different in appearance but now I think they are starting to look more alike (like siblings only of course hehe). Seren is my little button nosed baby. I love how her little nose gives her character and how she is so facially expressive it seems. They have these facial expressions that I just love. I still believe both girls will end up with brown eyes but I may surprised there too. Jeff has hazel eyes and the donor had brown eyes with very little recessive blue eyes in her family. I would say that I have grown comfortable with the idea of the girls not looking like me and just being curious with how their appearance will change and how they will grow into themselves. I love them for the world and wouldn't change how they looked for a minute.

I feel no regrets or weird feelings about how we started our family. I worried a little with my non-emotional or crying reaction at their being born that something might be off. But with each passing day and hour spent with them I feel closer to them and more bonded. I sit there when changing and feeding them sometimes and think of how perfect they are and how much I love them already and just tear up or cry. Maybe I'm hormonal hehe but I know that can't be the whole reason. I know that love will just continue to grow too and become incomprehensible to how much I can love them.

The only concerns I feel like I have with things is with my POF and how this might affect breast milk supply and things of that nature. I had what I felt was a good first and second pump (1 1/2 oz...one breast as Seren nurses while I pump the opposite breast to supplement Kendall with) but then it went down to less then an ounce and barely an ounce. I was frustrated and worried. I think though that a lot of this had to do with my crazed nesting upon coming home, my exhaustion and just emotional drop with hormones and worrying about it. I've been trying to be less obsessed with it and just making sure I eat and drink enough and this morning I had a 2 1/2 oz pump (yeah!!). I'm also ordering different/bigger breast shield size (this is supposed to help as I am bigger then the average breast). So I think it will get better.

What loss?

I have been thinking about how my attitude has changed a lot since originally being diagnosed with POI (primary ovarian insufficiency; this is the term I should use since the medical community is trying to adopt it). I think the thing that hit me the hardest back in the day was the loss of genetic connection to a child. I was heartbroken over not having a child to look or behave like me. Now a couple years later I kind of think of how self-centered that seems. Sure there will be people who try to tell us that our child looks just like me or nothing like me (whatever the case may be) but who cares. Our child will be just that...our child. He or she may have not been created in the same way that a majority of babies are but that won't change one iota of how much we wanted them and worked for them and how much they are our child as we are their parents.

I was thinking at work the other day about how I'm just excited to be a mom someday. And as I was thinking about it I realized that the genetic factor didn't enter my mind at all, in fact I was even more excited to think of how this child may take on some aspects, appearance, personality and health wise, that I wouldn't be able to give them. That although I hope our kids will look a lot like Jeff, I'm very curious to see the peices of them that will be a mystery. It was like I didn't feel a loss anymore (although I'm still jilted at the healthcare and insurance system hehe).

I just want to be a mom someday. I don't know when that will be and I don't know how it will happen but I believe it will. I'm excited to see what this wonderful child will look like and be like. I'm even more excited to share that whole process and experience with Jeff. I think we will make great parents some day. I hope that day isn't as far off as it seems at times though.

Misconceptions

Over the past week I have talked to a couple of friends about the POF situation and I'm always kind of surprised at the misconceptions people have. Even after just talking in detail to one friend about the idea of chosing a donor that might look similar to me, a couple minutes later she says that she hopes that our kids will have my blue eyse. I don't understand what part of donor egg people don't get. It means that the starter cells will not have my DNA or my genes and therefore there is no possibility that the child will have "my" blue eyes.

Then in a conversation with a different friend about her house remodel she comments "we're saving for our house and you're saving for a baby". I asked how much her house remodel had cost so far (around $10k) and didn't bring up the cost difference alone that there was because I knew she would argue it. Instead I just say "well at least when you save the money and put it out there you're guaranteed a finished product" and she says "not necessarily". Uh...yes you are. You might have other projects and more money to go into it but generally speaking in terms of retail sales (Home Depot/Lowes included) you get what you pay for. Seriously where's the argument there? That is another misconception that really bothers me. People just think IVF is 100% effective and the solution. When in reality the average nationwide success rate is about 40% (only double the 20% success rate expected each month for regular couples) and 15,000 times the cost. It's not always a solution and it's not cheap. easy or guaranteed.

I have decided that I need to not worry about it though. People will never understand what it's like or the facts of it unless they've been there. I used to think it was worth educating my friends on, at least those I felt okay talking to. But with my friends it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I need to not be offended so much when people don't understand. I think I'm to the point where I don't feel a need to complain about it (at least for now hehe) because I feel more hopeful that things will work out.

Officially infertile

So by medical definition you aren't considered infertile until you haven't gotten pregnant after a year without protection or birth control. We've officially hit that mark now. It was about this time last year that we met up with the reproductive endocrinologist (RE) and I refused to stay on birth control. Dr. Gibson wanted me to just stay on birth control as a form of hormone replacement and, in my opinion, so I didn't hang onto the slim chance of hope I had at the time. It took some arguing and explaining how I felt to convince him but here I am today with no such luck anyway. But despite not being one of the 5-8% with POF who get pregnant (yet) without assistance I am glad that I didn't shut the door on that chance because I would feel worse knowing I might have prevented that chance. I don't see it happening anymore so much...don't really worry about it and don't take pregnancy tests when things don't happen with HRT the way they are supposed to.

We're about 1/2 way to our goal of savings though so that is good. I still wonder and worry if it will actually work. Honestly it will work, something will work, eventually...we just don't know when. I still don't even know that I want to have kids really...I mean at least right now...so that's a good thing too I suppose. I was watching Maury today (haha yah I know) and it was one of those lame episodes of testing to see who the father is. I had this weird thought that even if I get pregnant with a donor egg and have a baby that Maury could run one of these tests and I wouldn't come up as the mother. I mean I know that doesn't matter and I know it will be my baby just the same but it was just a weird thought. I guess when we have the funds then we can start looking forward to having kids and we can work out all of the little details.

All the small things

I was just thinking how a lot of things I do and think about or decide on come back to this POF journey that Jeff and I are now on and the chance at having a family someday. I hate my job right now and I'm on the border of quitting. I get discouraged at the thought though because I think how will we save more money for donor IVF or adoption if I'm making less money. But then I think of how it can't be healthy for my body to be under this kind of stress all the time. The doctors have never been able to determine the cause of my ovarian failure was autoimmune but I have a feeling that it is and stress just makes autoimmune things worse generally.

I wonder what it would be like to just have kids the "old fashioned" way also. To just picture these future kids that are like both Jeff and I. To not have to save thousands of dollars for the chance at having kids. What would it be like? I don't ever think of having kids that will look like me. A friend made a comment about how Jeff and I wouldn't be able to have short kids if we tried (since we're both over 6 feet tall) and I just bit my tongue and rolled my eyes since he's aware of the ovarian failure and donor egg stuff. I mean who knows what the other half of this kid could be like. I don't play a genetic role in that at all. I know that people just don't understand what that means but it frustrates me still.

Then I have a friend who works for LDS Family Services with birthparents and adoption. I asked her about openings and applied but then I started thinking...how would I be in that capacity? Would I help or hurt the situation? Would it be beneficial or hurtful to me? I started reading stories on her blog the other day and just felt tearful and depressed. I don't see how I could find this a less stressful option then I'm already in. Social work, or at least the options I work with or used to consider a good match, just don't fit me anymore. All because of this new outlook and position I'm in. Nothing seems to be going right anymore.

Strange Jealousy

I've been dealing with this for a while now. It's one of those things you don't pay attention to until you realize things will be different for you. I was diagnosed with ovarian failure/insufficiency in 2007 when I was 27. Since then Jeff and I got married (been married almost a year now) and for the first true time in my life I started feeling like I wanted a family someday. But because of my body failing we'll have to go about things quite differently in that area of life. The only reliable options for a family at this point are adoption or donor egg invitro... meaning I will genetically pass on nothing to my children.

I've started noticing more recently now how kids can look so much like their parents...I especially notice this with little girls that look so much like their mom. I used to imagine or picture this little girl I would have one day and how she would have my blue eyes or quirky smile. Now I realize I'll probably never have that and I'm insanely jealous of those that do. It seems like such a strange thing to be jealous of but I am. I hope that I'll come out stronger at the end of this trial because at the moment I feel like this has made me realize nothing but my weaknesses and they are many. Just my thoughts right now.