7 Weeks

How far along? 7 weeks

Maternity clothes? nothing purchased...not feeling really bloated or uncomfortable in my own clothes yet.

Stretch marks? HAHA no...don't want to think about those beauties yet

Sleep? I am sleeping great still. Usually I get up at 6:45 am with Jeff and we do the PIO shot and I see him off to work and then I go back to bed until 8:30 or 9:00 am. I'm not usually tired the rest of the day.

Best moment this week? Seeing the babies on the ultrasound and hearing the heartbeats. Very closely followed by telling our parents. That was really fun too.

Movement? None of course.

Food Cravings? Burgers. I can always feel like eating a whopper jr. Maybe that's not a new craving but it seems to me I like them a lot more lately. Jeff teases me to stop killing the kids with burgers but I think they like it hehe jk I am trying to eat better.

Gender? Jeff wants a girl and a boy (he says we'll be done then) and I say that I think it will be two boys.

What I miss? Nothing. I don't feel different enough to miss anything.

What I'm looking forward to? I don't know. Maybe another u/s or telling more people.

Weekly Wisdom: Am I supposed to be wiser already? I don't think so.

Milestones: See the babies and hearing the heartbeats.

Emotions: I don't notice much different here either. Sometimes I get teary over shows or the news. When we first found out we were expecting, a little girl at work came back and thanked me for showing her where the bathroom was and that made me tear up a little...first realization I was a little sensitive hehe

Our secret....

or secrets as it may be :) We have been in the process of a DE IVF procedure for the past few months. I have been blogging about it privately but haven't published anything as we wanted to feel more secure before telling anyone. My parents follow this blog and that was another reason we wanted to play it close because we wanted to surprise our parents if it were to end well.

We went in for the viability ultrasound today and found that we will be having twins. They are both measuring on target and we were also able to hear the heart beats. That was amazing as I didn't know you were able to hear them (I thought you could just see them on the screen) so early on but it didn't seem real at the same time. After we heard the first heart beat I asked "So that was the baby's heart beat?" and Dr H just laughed a little and said "Yes didn't you hear it?" and I laughed and said "Yes I just didn't know you could hear them so soon." Anyway we are very excited but it is still sinking in.

*our little woogits in the making...about the size of a chocolate sprinkle*

We called my parents after the appointment and then had to have them call us back as they were driving separately to pick up my brother and his family at the airport. They called us back when they were together and I told them we were going to be having a baby and they got all excited and then I went on to say we're actually having two babies/twins and then they were more excited. It was fun to surprise them. Next we drove to Jeff's parents' home. We sat in their living room and Jeff told them we were having a baby and by baby he meant babies/twins. They were also very excited and said they had been thinking of us in this regard recently. We asked both parents to keep this quiet until we were more prepared to share with others. We are all excited and it was fun to share the news with them.

Unfortunately today I also found out that my ob/gyn who diagnosed my POI will be moving in August. I was disappointed in that. I was comfortable with the idea of her as she knows my medical history and I also know that she is supportive of the fertility treatment and had actually been through a little of her own. Now I am worrying a little about how I will find a different ob/gyn and if I will like them as well or feel as comfortable. I plan to still keep the first appointment and then ask her for some referrals. I'm sure it will be fine though.

**there will also be newly published posts with "cycle" tag going back to January 2010 if you want to read the goings on leading up to this**

Not so worried...

I'm not so worried about things now. I worry a little about things like not seeing a heartbeat or something not being right like that. But as the days have gone on I definitely am feeling more pregnant. Not a lot but I've gotten nauseous a little the last couple days and nothing sounds good to eat. I try to eat what I can but usually don't get a lot down until dinner time. I haven't thrown up so that is a blessing. Still hoping to not hurl at all during this. I have lost weight due to my lack of desire to eat. So I decided I better make the most of what I do eat and went to the grocery store. I hope I'm eating enough to cover all the bases needed and I do still take my prenatals so hopefully that will fill in the gaps. Getting excited for Monday and finding out what we have on our hands.

One more week...

I am still feeling minimally pregnant. I am still cold and still a little crampy and tender but other than that nuttin. Sometimes I feel like my sniffer is starting to kick into high gear...like when the broccoli in the kitchen trash made me want to dry heave. Okay and so I am nauseous to certain things (seemingly more then I remember). Like I killed a spider tonight and I was dry heaving at the guts and clean up. But all in all I do not feel pregnant. Some days I feel like the transfer and everything was just a dream and nothing is really going on in there. I hope I'm wrong and things are progressing all sorts of normal. My baby calendar widgets are all over the place but I'm actually only hitting a little over 5 weeks I guess so still hoping it's just too soon to feel very different. Jeff thinks I'm a little paranoid and thinks everything is fine. Thank goodness for the voice of reason. I'm sure he is right.

A little worried...

I am beginning to worry a little bit...not much but sometimes. Jeff and I have this thing where he asks me every time he comes home from work or I get home from work if I feel pregnant today. I still don't really feel different. I'm a little tender but less so then I was before, sometimes mild cramps, tired but not exhausted and I feel like I'm cold all the time (like I could wear sweats in 70 degree weather). The good thing is I'm not spotting or anything scary so I still say that things are okay. I want to enjoy things but I'm a little paranoid. I'm paranoid if my progesterone is high enough and if my beta is still rising (UCRM never tested progesterone and only did one beta) and if my body which has obviously had it's issues/failings before is going to come through for me on this one.

In an effort to be positive and occupy my time I have added like 5 or 6 widgets to my iGoogle page regarding pregnancy and stages of development, etc. I figure this way I can weed out the ones that bore me or are not really informative. It's interesting to watch and follow where the kiddo(s) are at in development. It says the kiddo(s) are the size of a sesame seed now. They are only the size of a chocolate sprinkle when we go in for the viability u/s. Seriously a sprinkle with a heart beat...that's crazy! Looking forward to the u/s and hopefully some peace of mind...11 days to go.

Appointments...

I set up an appointment with UCRM for our viability ultrasound. We will officially get to see the kiddo(s) on May 24th. I am excited and it makes it seem more real but it still doesn't officially feel real. I am hoping for a good solid feeling and ultrasound on the 24th and wanting to tell our parents. Jeff is having fun having a secret from everyone but I am excited to share with family (prob only parents for now) and especially my parents who I feel have been openly pulling for this.

I also set up an appointment with my old ob/gyn Dr L. I am excited to be returning to her. I really liked her during my regular appointments and really found such appreciation and fondness for her and how she dealt with my POI diagnosis. I am excited to be able to go back and be pregnant and hopefully have her deliver the kiddo(s) someday too. We have that appointment on June 17th and I'll be 10 weeks at that point. Crazy!

I am still very nervous about telling anyone else and how to deal with things. I'm particularly worried about telling my good friend. I am not sure how I will go about it. I figure that I should tell her around the same time that we tell our parents so that she doesn't feel we were hiding it from them. But I'm so worried about offending her or hurting her. I even had a weird dream the other night that I didn't tell her until the babies were born (in my dream we had twins). I hope I can figure out a sensitive way to go about telling her. And as much as I thought about the day I'd be saying "I'm pregnant" on facebook (haha I know weird fantasy) I don't so much think I will make news of it there now. I have just been thinking about all of the friends I have on there that have infertility issues (or possible issues) and have lost babies and how I wasn't always happy to read news of others announcing their pregnancy. I think I will keep things private there...as in you will have to directly check my page or pictures to know about it.

What better day...

I hope that I deal with information in a sensitive manner. Sometimes it just comes from my heart without a lot of my head involved to think it through. For anyone who follows my blog in the IF world I hope I never offend (especially today) . I wish the best of luck and hope for everyone who wants to have a family in whatever way they may come.

Anyway, I was supposed to have my beta on Monday but due to my work schedule (I never open and yet that day I am) Nurse G told me to come in on Sunday instead. So Jeff and I went down to Salt Lake today and had my blood drawn. The nurse asked me if I had cheated and I told her yes and it was so far so good. She was excited and said that over 90% of the time home tests are right but they would call us later today with results.

We went home and back to bed for a cat nap. The clinic called around 11:30 or so and it was the same nurse. She told me congratulations you are pregnant and in fact you are very pregnant. My beta number was 1,049 (11dp5dt) and she said they usually expect mid to high hundreds range at this point so there was a possibility of twins although we wouldn't know until an ultrasound. She gave me further instructions on meds and when we needed to schedule a viability ultrasound in a couple weeks. She said the expected due date would be January 13th and then wished me a happy mother's day to which I teared up a little. Like Jeff said, what a perfect day to find out the official news. We're so excited and feel so lucky to be here. Can't wait to see our little one(s) on an ultrasound.

Guilt and glee...

How do these two mix together? Well you put someone in my shoes, about to officially find out whether our first DE IVF worked, and a good friend of mine, beginning down the path of infertility, together. Not only do you put them together but you put them together with Mother's Day on the horizon. I remember the first Mother's Day after my POI diagnosis and being depressed and wanting to cry. I thought I would never be a mother and I had no idea how I'd ever get there if I were going to. Jeff bought me a "I love my wife" type card and a necklace and said it was because I would be a great mom someday. I never told him but I didn't like the sentiment at the time and I told myself I didn't want to wear the necklace unless I actually became a mom someday. I remember he mentioned the thoughtful gift at the family dinner for his mom and I felt ridiculous...someone without a child, pregnancy or anything on the horizon being thought of. I share this story because I remember very well what it's like to be there and not look on Mother's Day as one that I'll ever celebrate anytime soon. I still don't feel like I'll celebrate it too much this year either...I'd rather wait on certainty then celebrate early.

But now I feel both guilty and gleeful. I'm happy that Jeff and I have possibly started our family and that things could be going our way. But I feel guilty because I know how my friend must feel. In fact I just read on her blog tonight about how she's been having a hard time with Mother's Day coming up and still not being a mom...I imagine this is the first one that she has had to deal with in that type of infertility perspective. I know it sucks. I hate that it sucks. And I keep thinking and praying that she will be pregnant before I have to say anything about our situation. I don't want to be the one that makes things worse. I don't want her to be upset or angry or disappointed. I have had difficult feelings in the past with regards to her and my infertility but now all I can think and feel is that I want her to be a mom. I want her to have everything she desires. I don't want to be the one that makes her feel like I did when my roommates and friends announced pregnancies over the last 2 1/2 years. I have no idea how I'll ever have the courage to talk to her if good things don't come her way first.

I admit it...

I am weak. Okay and I was finding myself upset and distressed earlier this week. So why can't I just woman up and wait it out. Well...I can't. Jeff and I agreed that I would take a home pregnancy test on Thursday or Friday. From what I read online this was a safe time frame. But I also read that it was a slim possibility to get a positive 5 days after transfer (Monday). So I decided to take one on Monday and told myself it wouldn't mean anything if it was negative. I woke up early that morning to Thor having a breathing attack (scared me to death) and after making sure he was okay snuck upstairs to have a date with my last HPT stick (the one I swore I wouldn't use unless there was a real chance). I forgot about the waiting time of three minutes and the initial time I looked at it there was nothing and I was a little upset but said it was okay and I would just try again another day. Then as I was standing there in the bathroom pumping myself up I looked at it again and saw the faintest of lines. Not where I imagined a line to appear in the tests I had taken before. After a minute it was more definite but still very light and I thought "huh...okay so that's where it's supposed to show up". Then I was excited and happy...false positives don't usually happen although it could still be chemical. I didn't want to tell Jeff when the result was so faint and not really sure. So I crawled back in bed and determined I would test again Tuesday morning and if that was darker I would tell him.

Well here is Tuesday's result:

I am definitely pregnant (at least for now). It still seems so unreal and hasn't sunk in. I brought the stick downstairs while Jeff was getting ready for work and told him I had a surprise for him and to close his eyes. He did and I put the test out in front of them and told him to open his eyes and announced I was pregnant. He was excited but we were both still in disbelief I think. We are so grateful that it seems to have worked the first time but we're also holding out for some beta results on Monday and hopefully an ultrasound after that. It has definitely got the gears in my head going though about things I've tried to stop thinking about: nursery, crib(s), how and when to tell family/friends and hoping to see our baby(ies) heartbeat(s) and all that. Here's hoping for an awesome beta on Monday.

Uncertain feelings...

I have been feeling confident with things until today. I've felt crampy and bloated since the transfer (all can be linked to the PIO) and soreness started before transfer with the shots so that was kinda nice in a weird way. Today I've been feeling like I don't feel any different than that and I've found it discouraging. I still hope that things work but I've felt worried and been emotional about it not. It's been fun to picture and talk with Jeff about the positive side of things. Then feelings like this come up and it feels like it's all going downhill. I said I wouldn't get nutty about the 2 week wait and I've been great until today. This sucks! Good thing school and work will be back on again tomorrow so that I'll have things to keep me busy.