Myth Busted: Won't it be weird...

Won't it be weird to carry and have a child who isn't genetically yours?  Okay so I've probably read or seen this online more then I've actually heard it myself.  Part of that is probably due to the fact the donor egg aspect of my children's make up isn't something I openly discuss with everyone.  Even some of those that we have been open with don't necessarily understand the depth of my diagnosis and what was required for me to get pregnant.  I don't openly discuss this with a lot of people due to the fact I feel it isn't my information to share.  I believe that these girls should have an understanding of how they came to be before anyone else.  Yes we have talked to some immediate family about it...after all we don't want the girls to say something about it to grandma or grandpa and then feel it is "shocking" or "shameful" news based on the reaction of someone who was uninformed.  We want them to have a support to understand it's totally okay and normal.

But anyway I lose my train of thought.  Was it weird to carry these kiddos who are genetically unrelated to me?  Heavens no.  Pregnancy was weird in itself sometimes...realizing a human being (or two in this case) were growing inside me.  Yah that part was sometimes mind boggling.  But that was the only thing I ever considered strange.  Perhaps my pregnancy was different in that I don't remember thinking very often, "I wonder what they'll look like".  I felt like I had no idea.  I hoped that they would look like Jeff somewhat and I was excited about the mysterious part of them I didn't know.

Is it weird caring for and raising our kids?  (yes...our kids...not Jeff's or someone else's...they are 100% ours).  I couldn't imagine anything more natural about caring for, raising and loving my babies.  Kendall and Seren are  the second best thing to ever happen to me.  The first being that I met and married my best friend who has taken every step of this journey with me.  I look at them and see myself.  That probably sounds silly to some. I don't see my physical self.  But I see my nurturing self...the part that will undoubtedly have an impact on who they become also.  I feel like the way we raise them and teach them is the way we pass on what truly matters...not their eye/hair color, smiles and other traits.

Myth Busted: You were meant to go through this

Why do people think this is a supportive statement??  If I could say one thing to people who are trying to be supportive it would be:  Don't try to "fix" the problem.  Just express that you are sorry that person is facing such a thing and offer support.  I honestly think this would apply to many of life's crisis too.  I have no idea why people find it necessary to try to solve things that they can't.  It hurts to see someone you love hurting...yes.  It's uncomfortable at times to see them struggle...yes.  But do you have a magic wand or word that makes it go away...no.

For me this is not and was not helpful to hear.  Maybe for some it is.  I suppose maybe a better thing to say or do is just say you are sorry and ask what they need (to hear, to do, etc).  But for me I can't tell you the times I've been told that "God chose you to go through this because He knew you could do it" (they couldn't?) or "You are the type of person who was meant for this trial.  You would love a child any way it came to you" (they wouldn't?) or "He gives us trials to make us stronger and never gives us more then we can handle" (am I that weak to begin with?).  Truthfully living in a culture where religion is spliced together with every hardship you ever face was not helpful to me at the time.  Quite frankly I was already on bad enough terms with my maker after being diagnosed infertile that to hear people tell me He "chose" me for this grief really just made it worse.  Needless to say I wasn't really on speaking terms with God for some time and even now I'm just beginning to rebuild that relationship.

I have been blessed in the end.  My marriage was strengthened.  My appreciation of my babies is greater (and I love who they are and realize they wouldn't be if it weren't for the direction life took).  I did discover some inner strength.  I've been able to support others going through similar circumstance (trust me I've never told them they were "chosen" for it).  In general I've realized what a blessing children and family are and to truly empathize with those struggling to get there.  But I don't think that means I was "chosen" for this path.  We took a road less traveled and made the best of it we could.

I still don't think we are "chosen" for certain trials.  I think our lives are meant to follow a pattern of some sort I suppose but to say a higher power would purposefully put me through something like this makes me picture someone who is not how I picture Him to be.  Who knows, maybe I'll be proven wrong on the other side.

 Of course now in my thinking too I realize that there are things we can't prevent from happening to our children.  We try to protect them and guide them but sometimes bad things just happen.  Our purpose is to stand as a solid foundation and comfort to them when it does.  I suppose this is how I think of God.  He doesn't pick and choose my trials for me.  Sometimes they just happen.
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This post is in response to National Infertility Awareness Week.  Resolve has challenged bloggers to Bust a Myth regarding infertility.  Bring awareness of infertility by busting a myth yourself. 

Not the Architect...

I had a thought today as I was hanging out with the girls and just loving on them and admiring them.  I was thinking about the article I posted last time and how it says that the egg and sperm are what make the "blueprint" but the mother's body is what creates the child.  Well anyway I may not be the architect but I think I make one hell of a contractor and builder. 

 Aren't they the cutest?

 I've been trying to get a picture of them holding hands and this is the closest we came :) haha

Family of Four...

We are enjoying our little family of four.  It is interesting and definitely a world of difference when we are home at night.  We don't get out much I'm afraid.  Hopefully when the weather warms up more that will change.  I am so looking forward to spring and summer.  It's a nice day today and I'm pondering taking the girls out with me but they are sleeping and I don't want to throw them in their car seats just to go for a walk right now.  I do love the new stroller we got though (baby trend double snap and go) is going to be a huge investment I think.  And $75 is actually not bad for the purpose it'll serve...plus I plan to turn around and sell it second-hand when we're done with it.  I've gotten a number of things online for the girls lately (books, booster/high chairs and a play mat/gym).  I'm excited to try out the chairs and the mat.

The girls are getting bigger.  They both have double chins now and chubby cheeks.  So cute.  I'm guessing they are around 7 lbs or so each.  They are following us more with their eyes now and like to grab fingers (and hair...ouch) with their hands when we hold them.  We are just waiting for a real purposeful social smile still...they smile sometimes where it doesn't seem to be related to gas but they haven't started smiling back at us just yet.

Keep On Keeping On

Well...things have calmed down since the last post. We're still not impressed with the experience at UCRM clinic but they have come back from it with a positive light. Dr. G and even the specialist, Nurse G, have both made apologies and efforts to correct things. I feel better about them and just wish that "appointment" had never happened (even though it never did haha). I look forward to a second chance and hopefully it won't be too awkward.

We are doing okay on savings still, even though I am not employed right now. My annual vacation pay went into savings and now we are sitting a little more then half-way to the goal of $20K. Gosh it still astonishes me how much this is going to cost. Sometimes I think of the money and that it's just a chance not even a guarantee. But most of the time I don't really consider how much money it is so much as how it would be to have it work. I am trying not to be jaded on the fact it is so much easier for so many people. I am trying to focus more on the fact that this will be a unique experience that not many people are given and that when we get to have a child from this that there will never be any doubt that we wanted and worked to have it happen.

All the small things

I was just thinking how a lot of things I do and think about or decide on come back to this POF journey that Jeff and I are now on and the chance at having a family someday. I hate my job right now and I'm on the border of quitting. I get discouraged at the thought though because I think how will we save more money for donor IVF or adoption if I'm making less money. But then I think of how it can't be healthy for my body to be under this kind of stress all the time. The doctors have never been able to determine the cause of my ovarian failure was autoimmune but I have a feeling that it is and stress just makes autoimmune things worse generally.

I wonder what it would be like to just have kids the "old fashioned" way also. To just picture these future kids that are like both Jeff and I. To not have to save thousands of dollars for the chance at having kids. What would it be like? I don't ever think of having kids that will look like me. A friend made a comment about how Jeff and I wouldn't be able to have short kids if we tried (since we're both over 6 feet tall) and I just bit my tongue and rolled my eyes since he's aware of the ovarian failure and donor egg stuff. I mean who knows what the other half of this kid could be like. I don't play a genetic role in that at all. I know that people just don't understand what that means but it frustrates me still.

Then I have a friend who works for LDS Family Services with birthparents and adoption. I asked her about openings and applied but then I started thinking...how would I be in that capacity? Would I help or hurt the situation? Would it be beneficial or hurtful to me? I started reading stories on her blog the other day and just felt tearful and depressed. I don't see how I could find this a less stressful option then I'm already in. Social work, or at least the options I work with or used to consider a good match, just don't fit me anymore. All because of this new outlook and position I'm in. Nothing seems to be going right anymore.