Perfect Gift...

I can't help but reflect on mother's day this year.  It was a year ago on mother's day that we received my beta results and found out I was officially pregnant with what they suspected to be more than one baby.  Jeff and I were so thrilled.  We couldn't wait for the viability ultrasound to see what we had in store and were still nervous (at least I was) as to if they would stick around.  Today those beautiful kiddos (though tired and cranky) have as Jeff put it given me a great mother's day present...they have made me a mother.  I couldn't be more grateful.

But as a fellow blogger put it here and our church leader said today.  There are so many who want to be mothers and for whatever reasons...single, infertile or others...they don't get to realize this dream.  I am blessed. I so hope that those I love and those I don't know will be able to realize their dreams as well, whatever they may be and however they may come.

What better day...

I hope that I deal with information in a sensitive manner. Sometimes it just comes from my heart without a lot of my head involved to think it through. For anyone who follows my blog in the IF world I hope I never offend (especially today) . I wish the best of luck and hope for everyone who wants to have a family in whatever way they may come.

Anyway, I was supposed to have my beta on Monday but due to my work schedule (I never open and yet that day I am) Nurse G told me to come in on Sunday instead. So Jeff and I went down to Salt Lake today and had my blood drawn. The nurse asked me if I had cheated and I told her yes and it was so far so good. She was excited and said that over 90% of the time home tests are right but they would call us later today with results.

We went home and back to bed for a cat nap. The clinic called around 11:30 or so and it was the same nurse. She told me congratulations you are pregnant and in fact you are very pregnant. My beta number was 1,049 (11dp5dt) and she said they usually expect mid to high hundreds range at this point so there was a possibility of twins although we wouldn't know until an ultrasound. She gave me further instructions on meds and when we needed to schedule a viability ultrasound in a couple weeks. She said the expected due date would be January 13th and then wished me a happy mother's day to which I teared up a little. Like Jeff said, what a perfect day to find out the official news. We're so excited and feel so lucky to be here. Can't wait to see our little one(s) on an ultrasound.

Guilt and glee...

How do these two mix together? Well you put someone in my shoes, about to officially find out whether our first DE IVF worked, and a good friend of mine, beginning down the path of infertility, together. Not only do you put them together but you put them together with Mother's Day on the horizon. I remember the first Mother's Day after my POI diagnosis and being depressed and wanting to cry. I thought I would never be a mother and I had no idea how I'd ever get there if I were going to. Jeff bought me a "I love my wife" type card and a necklace and said it was because I would be a great mom someday. I never told him but I didn't like the sentiment at the time and I told myself I didn't want to wear the necklace unless I actually became a mom someday. I remember he mentioned the thoughtful gift at the family dinner for his mom and I felt ridiculous...someone without a child, pregnancy or anything on the horizon being thought of. I share this story because I remember very well what it's like to be there and not look on Mother's Day as one that I'll ever celebrate anytime soon. I still don't feel like I'll celebrate it too much this year either...I'd rather wait on certainty then celebrate early.

But now I feel both guilty and gleeful. I'm happy that Jeff and I have possibly started our family and that things could be going our way. But I feel guilty because I know how my friend must feel. In fact I just read on her blog tonight about how she's been having a hard time with Mother's Day coming up and still not being a mom...I imagine this is the first one that she has had to deal with in that type of infertility perspective. I know it sucks. I hate that it sucks. And I keep thinking and praying that she will be pregnant before I have to say anything about our situation. I don't want to be the one that makes things worse. I don't want her to be upset or angry or disappointed. I have had difficult feelings in the past with regards to her and my infertility but now all I can think and feel is that I want her to be a mom. I want her to have everything she desires. I don't want to be the one that makes her feel like I did when my roommates and friends announced pregnancies over the last 2 1/2 years. I have no idea how I'll ever have the courage to talk to her if good things don't come her way first.