Still a glimmer of hope...

Despite the fact I know chances of a spontaneous pregnancy with POF are very slim I still can't give up the little hope I have left in that. They say there is about a 10% chance over the initial 10 years after occurance...guess that means I have about 8 years left haha. But I keep in touch with an online support group of other ladies with POF and I know that it happens because I read the stories. Recently a POF girl that I emailed a few times found out she's pregnant and she was diagnosed 8 years ago. That is what keeps me hoping and believing it can happen. I don't know specifically if it will ever happen for me but it happens for some and that is an equally awesome thing.

I am a statistical anomaly...

I went to a baby shower this past weekend. I haven't really been baby hungry so it is still fairly easy to go to baby showers and pretend that I'm normal (as long as no one asks questions hehe). But out of the 10 or 11 women that came to the shower the odds were...1 single, 4 with kids, 3 pregnant, 2 married without kids and me. Granted I don't know the outcome for 3 of these women but I'm pretty sure the 2 newly married friends don't have kids at this point by choice.

Anyway I found myself driving home from this shower thinking about the odds and asking myself if 1 in 10 couples have infertility problems then why wasn't there another woman in the room with my situation. Then it hit me...I am that woman...I am the 1 in 10. I would have to be in a room of 20 women (statistically speaking) to meet another woman with infertility problems. And that's just a woman who has been "trying" for a year and not fallen pregnant...they could still go on to get pregnant on their own.

For me to meet another woman with POF in my age range I would need a room full of 2,000 women younger than 30 (the odds are 1 in 1,000 before age 30). And then since I'm talking odds...10% will have fertility problems but only 5% of that 10% will ever need or decide to pursue IVF procedures (accounting for effective fertility treatment that is less invasive, those who can't afford IVF and those that pursue adoption instead). And of that remaining 5% of the initial 10% I can only imagine the small percentage that will need to pursue IVF using an egg donor. Wow! I am statistically an anomaly in society. I don't know if that makes me feel unique or just plain lonely.

Being normal is not necessarily a virtue...it rather denotes a lack of courage

This past year I've had a lot of thoughts and longing for a "normal" life. I wanted to think about my future outside of the realm of saving for donor egg invitro or adoption and just be able to wishfully think of what I would do or be like if we were able to have kids on our own. I had been trying to figure out how and why ovarian failure happened to me so much and trying to figure out how Jeff and I would ever have kids that I lost a great deal of "normal" in life. And instead of placing things aside and trying to be normal I dreamed of ways I could change myself to be and have normal. But I'm not going to change, my health situation is very much unlikely to change, the chances of me ever getting pregnant on my own are not going to change...so the one thing that can change is my attitude. I've made a decision that I will go about my life like anyone else and that Jeff and I can plan on children just like anyone else and eventually when the time is right and things align for that goal then it will happen. Being "normal" is all about the perspective and attitude you have of it.

Also I was watching "Practical Magic" today (one of my favorite movies) and I've seen it over a dozen times but today this line really popped out at me: one character states all she wants is a normal life and the other woman says... "My darling girl when are you going to understand that being normal is not necessarily a virtue...it rather denotes a lack of courage." And it's so true...it doesn't take courage to go about things the normal route. It takes a courageous person or in our case a courageous couple to take on a different route and courage to realize that even though it's not how you always thought it would be...that in the end it still will be and it will happen someday for us too :)

One year older and wiser...

My birthday was on October 5th. I had a good birthay and I don't mind being 28. I like the look of it...but that may be my preference towards even numbers coming out. Anyway they finally assigned a negotiator to the house we made an offer on...maybe things will work out afterall. I hope so....will keep you posted :)

Jeff sent me flowers to work for my birthday....

I am so lucky...

I am so lucky to have married the man I did. He truly is my best friend. Jeff is so selfless and always willing to do anything for me. I want to learn to be more like that. He is so patient and kind. He's never made me feel bad for my weaknesses or second best to anything (okay he loves his video games alot...but I know with a simple request he's right there). I don't know how many men would have stuck by my side during the last year. I'm sure it wasn't fun a month into marriage to have to deal with a depressed bride and constant tears and different bouts with emotion. But he has been my biggest support and I don't know how I could have made it through so "gracefully" without him. I appreciate him so much and admire so many things about him. He makes me laugh all the time and I can say or do anything around him. He is always willing to help around the house and make dinner...even more so now that my work hours have changed. He is always there for me even when I think I can do it on my own...yes I'm the stubborn one. He is the best and ever will be the best thing to ever happen to me.