I love donor egg...

The parenting, the experience, the whole kitten caboodle.  I know sometimes I have gripes about feeling disconnected from society and from women who conceive with their own eggs.  But I really love where we are, how we got here and that we get to do this again.

I started using a pregnancy app with chat groups recently.  Truth be told I only browse the infertility treatment and the pregnant after IVF/IUI boards.  So I have come across a few women with egg issues considering donor egg.  One I've been emailing back and forth with for a few days.  It has both helped me to remember why we are here and all of the incredible positives that are a part of donor egg.

I love being able to share this rainbow at the end of a storm like infertility and letting women know that it's often successful or at least still gives hope when you think you have none.  That it isn't the end of their dreams but hopefully a great beginning to them.  I love learning about epigenetics and thinking on how I believe it played a part in our girls appearance and development.  I am so grateful that there are women who even think to do such a selfless act to donate eggs to those of us who want the opportunity.  I know some may do it for money but I think the great majority are truly in it for the service because there so much more involved that isn't convenient or fun to do.  I am so grateful that a woman I'll never know and who will never know me made this possible.

I'm grateful to have the girls I do.  I hope I never say anything that lessens their worth to me.  They are everything and more to what I hoped my kids would be like.  And not just with donor egg but my whole life before infertility hit.  They are perfect.  They are so beautiful and so thoughtful and just amazing to watch and learn from.  I think re-entering this experience has taught me even more so to enjoy the blessings I have and the opportunity I am given.

Disclosure and Other Thoughts...

As Kendall and Seren develop such an amazing vocabulary and understanding of things around them I find myself thinking a little more about the disclosure of donor egg.  I suppose that has a little to do with my recent thoughts on the subject also.  I know it's not urgent and I know it will come with time on it's own.  After all what barely-three-year-old really asks or wonders how they came to be.  Maybe some do but our girls are far too busy with other things.  Those who have children old enough what has been your first step in talking about it? and at what age?

Sometimes when we talk about them as babies and how small they were we'll talk about how they were in my belly.  Or when they see pictures of little babies on my friends' Facebook pages I will talk about how they were once so small.  They like to hear about it and see their baby pictures.  But so far words beyond "mommy and daddy had some special people help us to have you" haven't been needed.  Their story is so near and dear to my heart.  I always have overwhelming gratitude to this woman we'll never know and to the doctors and process that made it possible for me to experience pregnancy and for us to be parents to our amazing girls.  I can't think of the events and people who made it possible without getting emotional.  Our journey wasn't easy but it was so beyond meant to be.  

Yesterday, I found myself reading about POF/POI on the Stirrup-Queen's blog diagnoses section.  It states "autoimmune diseases producing anti-thyroid (Graves’, Hashimoto’s) or anti-adrenal (Addison’s) antibodies often result in creating anti-ovarian antibodies thus inducing POF". Although I've often believed something to this effect as well as my RAI (radioactive iodine) treatment of Graves being tied to my POF this is the first real tie together of the two that I've seen.  It was almost a relief to feel more justified in this belief.  The fact that my body attacked itself still upsets me.  That the only thing I have to blame for my infertility and dependence on thyroid medicine and HRT is myself.  My body which can't seem to discern between my own cells or endocrine system and foreign bodies (however exactly it happens with autoimmune issues). Of course in the next breath and thought I have to be extremely grateful for my body.  It did what it was supposed to do in getting pregnant and carrying twins to nearly full-term.  It brought me my greatest blessings and these perfectly made children.  I try not to bad-mouth my body for that reason but it frustrates me to rely on medication and worry about health problems that may arise due to this.  I guess we all have our faults though right.  

Life Outside of Other Stuff...

Life beyond the current thoughts with possible cycles and upcoming failures attempts is going quite well.  I am feeling more in the swing of life again since the disappointing BFN.  Never thought I would be writing about BFNs and other attempts on this blog after we had the girls.  I was very happy and content with my life and though exhausted and stretched thin with parenting twins it was good.  It still is good.  But I do want more.  Or at least I want to try for more.  Who knows if that will come or not.

The night after our appointment with Dr H, I was putting my sweet girls to bed.  I was so grateful for them.  I held them a little longer than usual, got a little teary-eyed and whispered to them how they would always be enough for me if we weren't able to have any more.  It's true.  I will forever be grateful for them making me a mom.  And sometimes I think maybe I was blessed with twins the first time because God knew it wasn't going to work again.  I'm glad they will always have someone to be with them, closer than most siblings will be (I hope).  I hope we can add another but if it's not meant to be then we will still have plenty to be thankful for.

Kendall has said to me a few times in the days since the appointment "don't worry mommy...don't worry" and I wondered where she even picked up the word or understanding of worrying.  Maybe it shows that I worry and have been worried about things.  She is always my little empathetic and emotionally-connected child.  She gets it.  I don't really know why but she is good at reading emotion and seeing the details.  I keep holding onto her words of 'don't worry' as things move forward again.

Seren is full of spunk as usual.  She is a tease and a clown.  She loves to get attention and laughs.  She loves to do things for herself and try to do things for Kendall sometimes (not understanding that Kendall has the same drive to do it alone).  She loves to say "I'm so happy" lately (for big and minor things that make her smile) and has started saying "I love you too" when you tell her you love her.

They still look out for each other and try to care for their needs.  I love that the most still.  Friends enjoy watching their kids play with other children and hugging their friends or holding a hand.  I get to witness this most every day.  There are the additional fights and tantrums caused by each other of course but I love seeing the friendship they have.  

Life is going well and things are good no matter the outcomes that will happen.  In the meantime I am looking forward to the holidays and the excitement and family time and fun that surrounds this time of year.

Beta Blues...

I have the beta blues.  Big Fat Negative of course.  Right now I think BFN stands for something besides Fat and I don't mean Fluffy.

I was grateful a male drew my blood today as what was the likelihood he'd ask anything personal.  I had my backside checked by a nurse who said it looked sore and reactive for sure.  She went to her computer saying we would need to order a different solution with olive oil instead of sesame oil and try that.  I told her I didn't think it was necessary and cried a little saying I'd already tested at home.  Way to blow my cover that I was worried about before right?  She handed me tissues and said she would call when they knew for sure.

Drove home and a couple hours later got the call that immediately was left for voice mail to pick up.  Negative.  Negative.  Negative.  No surprise but it hurt to hear for absolute certain.  Silly me even emailed later to make sure running the test two days early wouldn't have made a difference.  Rub salt in the wound.  Yep why not?  A phone call with an even more solid "it was negative for sure.  I'm sorry".

Jeff was wonderful and came home from work without asking.  What else do you do when your wife sobs on the phone to you.  So now my eyes are still full of tears and my belly is full of hot wings and french onion soup.  I can't complain forever.  I had my two sweet girls with me when I listened to the voice mail.  They both sensed that this was worse than the weepy mom of the last couple of days.  Seren patted me on the leg and laid her head on my lap and kept saying "ohhhhh"  Kendall crawled up next to me and also laid on me.  When I talked to Jeff he talked to the girls for a minute and Seren in a very concerned voice said "Daddy...Mommy not happy".  He asked them to give me a hug which they had already been doing.  Blessings.  Pure sweet blessings.  I'm focusing on that.

Waiting, Hoping, Wishing and Looking Again (most likely)...

We have our transfer set for 7:45 am tomorrow.  We are hoping that it works and that one little embryo sticks around.  We would take two for sure but we are hoping for just one still.  We won't know the expected success rates until we arrive and talk to the doctor.  There are 3 blastocysts in this straw but since they were frozen prior to the vitrification technology being at our lab it is very unlikely they will all survive the thaw.  We hope that two will survive and be strong contenders.  The nerves and reality still don't seem to sink in yet.  We are so blessed to have this opportunity to try though.  So very grateful that we have been blessed so greatly so far and hope that maybe we can get lucky one more time.

We received word from our hopeful recipient couple and as we somewhat expected they are desirous to try for a pregnancy on their own, at the advice of their doctor.  He believes that the chemical pregnancy may "jump start" her system into remembering what it is supposed to do and advised them to try on their own without IVF for the next 4-6 months.  If it were us in their shoes I'm sure that we would be doing the same thing so it was easy enough to understand.  I am hopeful for them but at the same time the words "jump start" and such sounded a lot like the hope I was given with my POF diagnosis and the suggestion of doing birth control to remind my body of it's purpose and they have been trying for 6 years until this point.  I wonder if they will be successful.  Maybe we'll never know. We've basically left it with the statement that we will be waiting to consider our donation options again until this cycle ends or until a later time in a pregnancy if it is successful.  We will be looking at other couples and options once we feel confident in our decision to do so.  If time goes on and we do find ourselves at the end of their time frame still looking for a resolve with a match then we are both okay with reconnecting and completing what was put in motion and has now been halted.

It is disappointing in that I think we both really liked this couple and felt comfortable in the prospect of donating to them.  But on the other side it doesn't feel like a great loss but perhaps even a comfort in that if we do get attached to the idea of a child and this cycle isn't successful that we can still pursue another round.  Jeff laughs at me with this idea but I don't think we'll know how we feel until the results are in.  I was originally okay with moving on with our girls but now given this possibility back (and the beyond gracious funding of this cycle by my parents) it isn't completely off the table for us to try again sometime after the holidays.

I still hope beyond hope that this will just work this time and to not be disappointed but only the next couple weeks will tell.  And then the weeks to follow after that if necessary as well.

Parenting Blahs and Awwwwws...

Maybe I've been over critical of my parenting now that we are taking on the task of trying to add another one (or two) to the family.  I sometimes feel like how can I consider adding one when I can't handle the two I have.  Yesterday was that day.  I felt like a crappy parent yesterday.  I don't know if it's the stress of the cycle or the extra estrogen floating in my bloodstream but I was a cranky little beast.  My wonderful toddlers were getting into mischief left and right.  We went to a playgroup in our neighborhood and I felt hopeful in getting to know my neighbors and isolated at the same time.  It helped to get out but I didn't return home all positive either.  I did what I tend to do when I feel cranky and want a break...through on some TV and distracted myself with some computer time.  Kendall crashed on the couch and Seren laughed at cartoons.  Then they were both awake and picking on each other for laughs.  Okay more like laughs for one and tears for the other.  This is their schtick lately...taking turns tormenting each other.  Needless to say lots of time outs and apologies have happened.

This time they both ended up in time out in their room.  A few minutes later the curtains and light-weight curtain rod came crashing down.  I got mad, swatted them on the butt and left them crying while I took my own time out (I always feeling like a stinker myself when I resort to any spanking).  Afterward, I stood them side by side and gave them a stern talk.  I tried to clear up who had pulled down the curtain and if both helped.  I still wasn't happy but at least I was calm.  At the end of the little talk I noticed that they had been holding hands between them.  They owned up to making a mistake and held hands while mom gave them the run down on not pulling down curtains and goofing off.  It was a cute little moment and reminder of their innocence to see them stick together.  

And hey today has been sooooo much better.  I've held onto some positive parenting.  I've gotten hugs from front and back at the same time from both my girls.  Running hugs.  Sitting hugs and double sitting hugs.  Maybe I'm not a terrible stinker of a parent in the long haul after all.  I love my girls.  So grateful that children are so forgiving and "forgetful" of our short comings as parents. 

Positive Spin

I have found myself complaining a lot lately or feeling bothered by things.  Petty things.  Stupid things.  I have everything I need in life and yet I get down on myself or things out of my control.  We had plans to travel next year...Disneyland with the girls and then France without them.  Both plans have been scrapped now in order to accommodate our new lifestyle (the getting by and hoping for better one).  And I've felt complaint over this.

Then as I talked to my good friend online yesterday I listened to/read her complaining about money.  The friend that has virtually free babysitters and both she and her husband work.  I kind of doubt they have real actual money problems (but I guess you never know).  But it made me think...if she can complain about it then there must not be a happy medium in the world for it.  She worries about affording an entire bathroom remodel and I consider a new bathroom mirror (which she told me was $40-60 at the cheapest) and decide that's definitely not in the budget.  Two different worlds of worry over money.

So I've made a decision to get rid of this attitude and live to realize "good enough" is damn near great (as a friend's blog puts it...okay I added the damn near great part).  But seriously I want for nothing.  I am lucky enough to be home with my girls and to watch them grow up.  I am blessed with a great man to share my life with and who sacrifices for us.  I am super lucky that I have my girls (no more complaining about POF or infertility here either; okay maybe a little complaint over hormone wackiness and "was that a hot flash I just had?" thoughts).  But to complain about my road with infertility implies unhappiness in how it turned out.  And I am most definitely beyond thrilled with how it turned out.

And as for money.  So far we've been really lucky there too.  We both have work unlike many Americans these days .  At just the point when my husband changed jobs, and before we realized how tight money might get, I was offered some on-call hours back with the hospital.  Work that works entirely with my schedule with the girls.  Talk about a God who knows how to provide for our little family at just the right time.  I don't know how long my job will last.  But for now it brings in a little extra money and I'm grateful for it.  I hope they keep me around and going until the end of the year but we'll see.  I have no room for complaint about money.  We are provided for.  That's all that matters.

So I am doing my best from here on out...in life and in blog world to not complain.  To realize my blessings.  And who knows maybe even help others to realize theirs too.  Here's to a new positive spin on life.

Nap Time Goodness

The girls are down for a much needed nap.  I think God created babies that need a nice long nap so that moms like me don't pull their hair out.  Poor Miss Kendall has had a low grade fever the past two days.  She was able to be held whenever she wanted yesterday but today once DH went to work she was stuck with just little ole me and a sister who also wanted attention.  Luckily her fever seems to be going down and she seems in better spirits but the afternoon nap came just the same and both Kendall and Seren have crashed hard.

I love watching them sleep.  I love playing with them too but there is just that peaceful angelic feeling about watching a baby (or two) sleep.  Nothing is better than that in my book.  Well besides the laughter and the fact that Seren is starting to reach out whenever you pick her up to touch your face with both hands and Kendall crawls across the room to get to me now.  I love to watch them grow and develop right before my eyes.  I am such a lucky mom.  So very lucky.

I think often of my infertile friends and those who are in waiting and in mid-cycle and other sorts of circumstances.  I wish all of the best things to be happening for them soon.

Well I better get back to the chores while there is time to inflict damage on them and accomplish something.

Choices and Sacrifice...

Being a stay-at-home-mom isn't always the preference of every woman.  I love being able to be home with our girls.  But it's not like it doesn't come with sacrifice.  And it's not like there aren't days where I long to be back at work or making some money.  But we made this decision for me to be home when things were easier.  And basically out of necessity also.  Two infants in daycare is not cost effective, especially with what I was doing for work.  We also don't have family close enough to help in watching our kiddos either.  And even that is definitely nothing I would expect for free.

So when my friend says something to me in the realm of "it's not like I get to be home with her all day like you do" in regards to her daughter.  And I hear this tinge of jealousy and "your spoiled" attitude behind it.  I want to roll my eyes.  I believe she'd rather be home with her daughter.  But they've determined to continue their lifestyle and use family for free daycare in exchange for occasional babysitting or whatever arrangement they have.  I honestly don't believe it's not possible for her to be home but rather a choice made.  I don't know their financial situation exactly but have an idea that it would be similar to our own (minus one kid), especially now that Jeff's job has changed.  Can I say I wouldn't make the same choice to bring in some money if we had the options for "daycare" like they do?  Not really...I probably would.  I would be sad to leave the girls behind (even with family) but it would be nice to contribute more than I'm able to now.  I am working part time at night for now, kind of a God send during our current financial situation.  So that is nice.

So while my husband and I joke about "Ramen Wednesdays" and realize that we'll probably be giving up future vacations and other luxuries to pay for life, our friends are going out to eat frequently, splurging on fun activities and I'm sure saving nice chunks of money.  So really...if she wants to complain about leaving her kid behind to go to work all I have to say (or at least think) is that it's her choice.

**I am not making an argument or commentary one way or another for stay-at-home moms or working moms.  I definitely can see the benefit to both.  Heck if I made good money that would balance out daycare I think I would have a lot more inner debate on the topic with myself.  So I guess maybe it's kind of a weird blessing to not have much choice right now.

Passing up the good for the best...

We are going to see my parents in Florida in a couple of weeks.  I am so excited and thrilled.  I was thinking about it this morning and realizing we haven't been down to see them in 4 years.  They have been this way but we haven't come their way in over 4 years.  The last time we went was in July 2007 before we were married so that Jeff could meet my parents and sister.  And thinking of this my silly mind was like "why has it taken us so long to go back?" and then I thought of my snoozing sweeties in the other room and remembered that ever since we have been married we have been saving.  Putting off 'unnecessary' travel and fun for the purpose of saving for a chance to have kids.  It was worth every boring summer at home or camping instead of traveling.  I remember I used to mildly complain (at least in my mind) about how I wanted to 'enjoy' the money we were saving.  Well, let me tell you, I am enjoying every penny of it and will be for the rest of my life.  No complaints and absolutely no regrets.  So blessed.  So grateful...so very grateful.

Reflections

I am taking up a "homework challenge" from Keiko at Hannah Wept Sarah Laughed to review some of my old and beginner posts and reflect on how I've grown and changed during this infertility struggle and journey.  I was basically diagnosed with POI/POF around age 26 and fully diagnosed at 27.  I was devastated and I used to feel irritated or bitter toward women who were older than me and were able to get pregnant.  My initial diagnosis was the darkest time I can recall in my life.  I started this blog about a year after that diagnosis.  Sometimes I wish I would have started it right from the beginning to really see the changes in attitude but I was definitely in no place at that time to be able to share that pain and insecurity with anyone.  I felt like a failure.  I felt like a disappointment.  I felt betrayed by my own self.  Anyway so I can't share with you the worst part of my travels but I'm sure it mirrors a lot of what many infertile people may feel.

As to reflections of posts that began my blogging.  I noticed a lot of gratitude for my husband and I can never express enough how much his support got me through.  I wouldn't claim he's the only person who could have or would have pulled me out or gone through it with me but I think he was the best person for the job.

I also look at the things that I was so worried about missing out on with children.  I was worried about not sharing looks and eye color and genetics.  Of course that is such a normal thing to be sad about initially but it honestly never crosses my mind anymore.  I think of how beautiful my daughters are and how much I love them and I can't imagine why those things mattered so much.  I realize these are the after thoughts of someone who has been lucky enough to be where I am and in no way consider it wrong for other's to mourn that loss.  But I really can tell you that it is such a null and void thought on this side.  I also worried about my feelings being less connected or attached to my kids based on the missing genetic link.  I couldn't be further off base with this worry.

One of my favorite posts of reflection was this one regarding "normal".  I was so wrapped up in being normal for the first year of my diagnosis and hoping and praying for miracles to happen and for us to conceive on our own that I missed out on a lot.  I'm glad that we had time on our side.  I'm actually glad at this juncture that I wasn't diagnosed during attempts to conceive and instead that it happened before I was even married.  It taught me about true love.  It helped me to grow and learn (and for us to save a butt load of money) before we pursued our donor egg in-vitro attempt.  It was actually a blessing in disguise even though I felt it was such horrible timing then.

So I end with a quote I still love today:
My darling girl when are you going to understand that being normal is not necessarily a virtue...it rather denotes a lack of courage. - Practical Magic-

No one who is required to go through great measures to achieve their dreams of a family can really say it's the "normal" route but it's the route we're given and we're all courageous for taking it on in whatever fashion we do.  So props to all of the infertility community out there and for all of your amazing courage.

Myth Busted: They won't want me if I can't have kids...

Infertility can strengthen a relationship.  Infertility can destroy a relationship.  For us, infertility was there from day one in our marriage.  I met my wonderful husband in August 2006 and began seeing my doctor at the end of that year, after skipping my period for four months .  I didn't know there was something wrong at the time.  Even with the proposition of POF by my doctor in early 2007 things in my life kept taking their course.  I mentioned to Jeff I was seeing the doctor for some issues but never imagined POF would really happen so I didn't tell him that part.  About the time that Jeff and I began talking about marriage and looking at rings and all of those fun things some not so "fun" news came.  My doctor wanted to do a last ditch effort of putting me on the pill for 6 months but it was fairly certain that I did have ovarian failure despite only being 26.  In May 2007 I decided I would lay all my cards out on the table to Jeff.  I couldn't have kids.  We weren't engaged and I didn't expect him to stay with me with this 99% certain diagnosis.  Jeff didn't balk.  I somewhat felt he was putting on a brave front or the "things will work out...it's just a fluke" that I felt up until then.  I told him that I wanted him to really think things through and understand what it would mean for us if he were to stay with me.  I basically gave him an out and told him I'd understand if he took it.   He agreed to think about it only at my request.  Infertility didn't stop things though and in June we were engaged and in October 2007 we were married.

Among wedding planning and newlywed bliss I think we both somewhat forgot about the impending truth.  At the end of November my prescription ran out and early December resulted in a blood draw and a final doctor's appointment.  Bring your husband.  It couldn't be good news.  I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure and basically no chance, beyond a miracle, of having kids on my own.  It really hit that time.  I was devastated and broke down in tears in front of my doctor and Jeff.  I felt betrayed by my body and like in some small way I had betrayed or tricked Jeff into marrying me.  I was depressed for months.  I went about my job as mindlessly as possible and then would come home emotionally exhausted.  For weeks, Jeff would come from work to find me in bed crying or sleeping.  I would cry myself to sleep.  He had no idea what to do for me.  He would lay down beside me and just hold me.  What else could be done.  As time passed things generally got better.  But we had our bad times too.  We had fights over it or things related to it.  There were a couple of time where I didn't know if we would make it through.  But we did.

I never once felt like Jeff didn't want to be with me be with me because of infertility.  For some I'm sure that was or is a determining factor.  For me it was only another reason to realize that he would love me no matter what.  I have been so greatly blessed by having such a wonderful man in my life that despite my pushing him away at times refused to leave.  I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am both in how he treats me and now in how he treats our girls.  I am so lucky.  We are so lucky to have him.

Sometimes I think how little we both knew about the real impact that infertility would have on us when we agreed to take it on together.  But together we did.  In the beginning I didn't want to burden him with my issues.  But that is the wonderful thing I've learned about marriage, it's pure design is so that husband and wife can help bear one another's burdens.  It doesn't mean the burden is lighter as a whole but it certainly helps to have someone sharing the load.

So blessed...

I am so blessed.  Having twins has been a unique experience.  Both from the pregnancy and seeing them "play" on the ultrasounds together and into the daily life of raising them.  Kendall and Seren have started paying more and more attention to each other these days.  I will lay them next to each other and they will turn to look at each other and just coo and smile away.  Seren saves her best smiles and excitement for her sister I've decided.  But like this morning, it is also so fun to have two beautiful babies smiling back at me when we play.  How many people get to experience that really?  I'm so lucky and blessed.  I am excited to see all the unique experiences we will have with these two little angels.

As to my donor egg feelings...

I wanted to address this also for anyone considering donor egg or wondering how it may be to go this route. I worried a little during my pregnancy that I would feel inadequate or annoyed or many other things with people talking about the girls and who they might look like or such things. Interestingly enough the two people who have commented on this aspect (Lisa's husband James and my Aunt) both were aware of the donor egg aspect...not sure they really understand it though. James said he thought Seren looked like me while they were up to visit at the hospital (no biggie and I just smiled and said "you think so?") and then my Aunt was sitting with us at home and started talking about how she was just trying to figure out who the girls looked like. I didn't bring up the donor egg aspect again with her...if she doesn't remember the details or understand it more then regular IVF I am okay with that (especially after the last time of her telling other family members about my health that I didn't want to know). But yah it doesn't bother me at all to have people say things like this. I think both girls are distinctive to themselves in looks. I would say that Kendall looks a little like Jeff and his family (but not even strongly there)...the nurse staff, my mom and I seem to think Kendall might have a little bit of red hair (never saw that happening...even though red hair runs in Jeff's family and mine a little too...so people were always saying we had a good chance of a little red-head). Sometimes I even strangely think Kendall might look a little like my family babies do. Both Kendall and Seren have long slender fingers and some similarities to each other. I thought at first they were very different in appearance but now I think they are starting to look more alike (like siblings only of course hehe). Seren is my little button nosed baby. I love how her little nose gives her character and how she is so facially expressive it seems. They have these facial expressions that I just love. I still believe both girls will end up with brown eyes but I may surprised there too. Jeff has hazel eyes and the donor had brown eyes with very little recessive blue eyes in her family. I would say that I have grown comfortable with the idea of the girls not looking like me and just being curious with how their appearance will change and how they will grow into themselves. I love them for the world and wouldn't change how they looked for a minute.

I feel no regrets or weird feelings about how we started our family. I worried a little with my non-emotional or crying reaction at their being born that something might be off. But with each passing day and hour spent with them I feel closer to them and more bonded. I sit there when changing and feeding them sometimes and think of how perfect they are and how much I love them already and just tear up or cry. Maybe I'm hormonal hehe but I know that can't be the whole reason. I know that love will just continue to grow too and become incomprehensible to how much I can love them.

The only concerns I feel like I have with things is with my POF and how this might affect breast milk supply and things of that nature. I had what I felt was a good first and second pump (1 1/2 oz...one breast as Seren nurses while I pump the opposite breast to supplement Kendall with) but then it went down to less then an ounce and barely an ounce. I was frustrated and worried. I think though that a lot of this had to do with my crazed nesting upon coming home, my exhaustion and just emotional drop with hormones and worrying about it. I've been trying to be less obsessed with it and just making sure I eat and drink enough and this morning I had a 2 1/2 oz pump (yeah!!). I'm also ordering different/bigger breast shield size (this is supposed to help as I am bigger then the average breast). So I think it will get better.

My Supportive Hubby

Jeff and I watched a movie tonight called Couples Retreat. In the movie one couple is trying to talk three of their couple friends into going to a retreat for a group rate. The couple is having marital problems due to infertility and contemplating divorce over it. They say something like "it's been 12 long months" and Jeff and I just look at each other and laugh. It was humorous to us that they were making such a big deal out of 12 months. We have been dealing with this for 2 1/2 years (30 months) and there are so many people with longer and harder journeys.

Although I can totally relate that infertility can put a major stress on your marriage...I'm grateful it hasn't so much happened for us. Yes we've had our fights and emotional ups and downs but we've always stuck together. We've come out (so far) stronger and I'm so grateful to have such a support. A friend was telling me the other day that her husband went to his first ob/gyn appointment with her and that it would probably be the last. This surprised me as it's been a little while since her diagnosis (and I had assumed he went with her on those). I don't remember why, I just remember thinking how I was glad that wasn't me. Although I'm sure some appointments weren't so pleasant or comfortable for Jeff (some weren't for me either hehe) he has always been there with me. I think Jeff probably knows more about how a woman's body is supposed to work than the average woman. I can't imagine going through those kinds of appointments and bad news without someone to be there and supportive to me. I know her husband will be more supportive in the future and has been supportive in other ways but it just made me grateful for what I have.

Gratitude and fateful feelings...

Things are still plugging along and forward. We have been finalizing our math on the finances and I've been working on things with UCRM in regards to my medication and insurance coverage. Can you believe it...insurance actually covers some of my progesterone in oil shots (PIO) and covers 100% of the syringes/needles...at least from what I can tell. YEAH! They finally step up a little. And the estradiol that I will be taking is what I'm already on and I can get the generic of that from Target for cheap too. So my med costs are not so much a worry for me anymore at this point although I know the donor meds will still be a pretty penny.

Jeff received his bonus from work. Boy that was a downfall and not expected. His area of the bank had been doing better this year then last and last year they had said the bonus was "small" so this year we were expecting at least the same size bonus or even more. It was more like 1/4 or less of last year's bonus. Ughh :P I stressed out and began worrying about the money again and thinking of how now something would need to go on the credit card. I drove home from work and was teary and frustrated. Jeff came home just after I did and I was done being emotional as I didn't want to pass on stress or have him feel bad. We had received some Valentine cards from our parents and my parents had sent two cards. I had a feeling they had sent us some more money to add to the "baby fund" and I opened the cards. I read the card and turned over the check and the first words out of my mouth was "holy sh**". They had sent us quite a bit of money...more then I would've ever expected. But it was nearly exactly the amount we needed.  Jeff and I both were very surprised and we didn't really want to take it.  But I felt like this was someone watching out for us and however it worked knowing that we were a little short on funds now and providing. Parents have great intuition, maybe a little bit of a higher power or maybe a little fate. All I can say is we both felt gratitude beyond words.

I have felt a little more guilty about not sharing our timeline with our parents. We have not said anything to anyone (with the exception of me talking to my friend that has gone through IVF a number of times). Jeff's parents haven't asked about our plans for a family or had any inkling of things. My parents have only asked vaguely if we planned to do anything this year and I told them we weren't really sure. I feel bad for not sharing with them and some days I want so badly to tell them. But most days I feel better about keeping things close to the vest with Jeff and I. I don't want anyone worrying or waiting but us. Most of all...I would love to surprise them all. I know or at least really hope that no one has hurt feelings over this.

Grateful for time...

I was thinking the other night at work how grateful I am that I have been able to enjoy married life with Jeff without the additional stress and responsibility of kids. We have traveled and done a lot of fun things together that we wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. We have grown together and built a better relationship. I have really enjoyed it. And although I hope it isn't like this for a lot longer...maybe I would be okay. I hope it never comes down to forever without kids but at the same time to put so much focus on a kid makes it kinda seem like life isn't good enough without them. Life is good. Life might be better if and when we have a family but life is good right now too. I love Jeff and I love him more everyday. I am so grateful for him and for the time that we've had to grow.

My greatest blessing...

My greatest blessing right now is Jeff. Having a husband who supports me no matter what and never complains is the biggest blessing. He doesn't complain about the fact that money is tighter now with me going back to school and that we can't afford things like we did before. He doesn't complain that my time is spent with work and school for the most part. He is just always very supportive and patient with me. I love him so much and I'm so grateful to have him in my life. We talked a while back about how things were and we were with POI before we got married. He told me that when he was thinking about marrying me that he thought of how POI could mean we might never have kids AT ALL (on our own or with DE IVF or adoption). He wanted to be with me despite all of that. How many women can be ironically "lucky" enough to know that...that their husband loved them enough even faced with that type of possibility that they still stuck by their side. I love Jeff so much and I'm so grateful that we're in this life together!!

The Christmas Feeling...

Man I'm complaining a lot lately. I realize that I am but it feels better to have it out there then stewing in my brain. We got a Christmas card from one of my old roommates yesterday that announced they were expecting their first child. It was cute and a fun little way to announce things I guess. But I just had that feeling of envy again. I kept it to myself for a while but later that night I just sat with Jeff in front of the Christmas tree in tears. I kept thinking "I don't want to be them...I just don't want to be me". I don't have a strong desire to have a kid or to be pregnant so it's not like I'm jealous of them...I'm just so jealous that they can do that and make that decision and get there.

I wish too that it hadn't been announced around Christmas. I'm sure to the couple who can get pregnant the normal way that it seems like the perfect time to announce that type of thing. But to the person or couple who can't it just feels like a slap in the face at a time of year when you may already have a tough enough time being around family and all the kids and kid-oriented stuff. Last year I was depressed because I found out "officially" that I had ovarian failure and now this year that announcement just reminded me again (just in time for Christmas).

I hope that my mood improves for tonight as we are having family over for Christmas Eve. I suppose there are many people who have it worse off this Christmas and I am grateful for all I do have. I guess there are things we will always envy about others...my sister-in-law envies our new house and I envy her with her three cute little kids. Time to just be happy with what we have right and for the ultimate gift that we were all given through Christ's birth.

Grateful for what I have...

I am very grateful for what I have in my life. I have a wonderful family, an incredible husband and more then enough blessings to be grateful for. I had a good Thanksgiving and enjoyed spending time with some of my family (sister, Aunts and Uncle) and also with Jeff's family.

I love spending time with and playing with my nephews and with Jeff's neices and nephews. I enjoy children and I enjoy feeling a little bit like a child when I play with them or explore new things with them. It makes me realize that I have the ability to care for and love little children even though they aren't mine. I think it also helps me realize that even if I'm never biologically related to my children that I will love them just as much. I don't know it just makes me feel good to be around little ones whereas before it made me feel I was missing out on something.