The Christmas Feeling...

Man I'm complaining a lot lately. I realize that I am but it feels better to have it out there then stewing in my brain. We got a Christmas card from one of my old roommates yesterday that announced they were expecting their first child. It was cute and a fun little way to announce things I guess. But I just had that feeling of envy again. I kept it to myself for a while but later that night I just sat with Jeff in front of the Christmas tree in tears. I kept thinking "I don't want to be them...I just don't want to be me". I don't have a strong desire to have a kid or to be pregnant so it's not like I'm jealous of them...I'm just so jealous that they can do that and make that decision and get there.

I wish too that it hadn't been announced around Christmas. I'm sure to the couple who can get pregnant the normal way that it seems like the perfect time to announce that type of thing. But to the person or couple who can't it just feels like a slap in the face at a time of year when you may already have a tough enough time being around family and all the kids and kid-oriented stuff. Last year I was depressed because I found out "officially" that I had ovarian failure and now this year that announcement just reminded me again (just in time for Christmas).

I hope that my mood improves for tonight as we are having family over for Christmas Eve. I suppose there are many people who have it worse off this Christmas and I am grateful for all I do have. I guess there are things we will always envy about others...my sister-in-law envies our new house and I envy her with her three cute little kids. Time to just be happy with what we have right and for the ultimate gift that we were all given through Christ's birth.

Overcoming jealousy

I've never really been one to be jealous. I've been happy with what I've been given and I've typically tried to get what I didn't have. But I feel like now with all this POF/infertility stuff that maybe I won't be able to get what I want. Lately I am jealous a lot when I see others with children. Not jealous that I don't have one but jealous that it seems so easy for them to get there. There weren't thousands of dollars saved and spent for most of these babies to be conceived. There weren't thoughts of if it would ever happen for some parents either. I don't really understand how it would feel to think that way...I feel like I've never been able to think that way. I don't even put sex and getting pregnant in the same thought process anymore...sometimes it doesn't even occur to me that that's how it usually works for most people.

Jeff and I went to a family gathering tonight. It was with my Aunt and Uncle's family and kids and my immediate family too. My Aunt and Uncle have 4 kids and a number of grandchildren. No fertility troubles going on there. I love kids and I love being around kids but I just kept thinking: why me? why us? why of all the things that could happen did this happen? I just felt so jealous of them and of these cute kids. These cute kids that look like their parents. I want things to be easy or easier like that. But I can't do anything to change it...I just need to find a way to overcome this type of jealousy.

Song on the radio...

This is probably a somewhat nonsense or silly entry. My friend Brooke has posted songs on her blog that remind her of each of her family members and it started me thinking like that a little. Then I heard this Rascall Flatts song on the radio and I pictured this as being a song that would remind me of a child that we'll eventually have...I guess it reminds me that even though there will be hard times with infertility and POF and everything else we'll go through, that in the end it will be worth it and I imagine that I would go through it all over again to have that child with us someday....

I know now the place that I was trying to reach
Was you, right here in front of me and I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin' and I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me in this moment here with you
And it passed me by God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding what I never thought I'd find I know now,
there's a million roads I had to take to get (you) in (my) arms this way

And if thats the road God made me take to be with you
Then I wouldn't change a thing I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step That led to you and got me here

--Rascall Flatts "Here"

Grateful for what I have...

I am very grateful for what I have in my life. I have a wonderful family, an incredible husband and more then enough blessings to be grateful for. I had a good Thanksgiving and enjoyed spending time with some of my family (sister, Aunts and Uncle) and also with Jeff's family.

I love spending time with and playing with my nephews and with Jeff's neices and nephews. I enjoy children and I enjoy feeling a little bit like a child when I play with them or explore new things with them. It makes me realize that I have the ability to care for and love little children even though they aren't mine. I think it also helps me realize that even if I'm never biologically related to my children that I will love them just as much. I don't know it just makes me feel good to be around little ones whereas before it made me feel I was missing out on something.

The Things People Say...

It's interesting the spin on things that infertility gives. I was supervising a visit with a family and their 11 month old on Thursday. The grandmother to the child was asking my opinions on parenting and daycare resources with my job. She knew from a previous visit that I didn't have children so I was appreciative that she still wanted my opinion.
Anyway we talked about the dangers of daycare with young children and I joked that it almost makes you wonder if having kids is a good idea in this world. She just said oh you will and you'll change your mind when you have yours. She just made it seem so simple. That people just have kids and it's easy to get there. And it just reminded me of how simple it can be and how simple it hasn't and won't be for us. I do think it will all be worth it though.

Some positivity...

I really do have life pretty good. I have a lot to look forward to in life and a lot of exciting things going on right now. We are in the middle of house shopping...the fun part of that is wearing thin but it's still something very exciting to look forward to. I am grateful for my family and to have good in-laws. I'm grateful to have such a good husband. I'm grateful for my friends who are always there when I need them. I do look forward to the day when we'll pursue having a family but in the meantime I am very happy with the family I have :)

How to Dance in the Rain...

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?' He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.'

True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be. The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

Life isn't about how to survive the storm but rather how to dance in the rain.

Still a glimmer of hope...

Despite the fact I know chances of a spontaneous pregnancy with POF are very slim I still can't give up the little hope I have left in that. They say there is about a 10% chance over the initial 10 years after occurance...guess that means I have about 8 years left haha. But I keep in touch with an online support group of other ladies with POF and I know that it happens because I read the stories. Recently a POF girl that I emailed a few times found out she's pregnant and she was diagnosed 8 years ago. That is what keeps me hoping and believing it can happen. I don't know specifically if it will ever happen for me but it happens for some and that is an equally awesome thing.

I am a statistical anomaly...

I went to a baby shower this past weekend. I haven't really been baby hungry so it is still fairly easy to go to baby showers and pretend that I'm normal (as long as no one asks questions hehe). But out of the 10 or 11 women that came to the shower the odds were...1 single, 4 with kids, 3 pregnant, 2 married without kids and me. Granted I don't know the outcome for 3 of these women but I'm pretty sure the 2 newly married friends don't have kids at this point by choice.

Anyway I found myself driving home from this shower thinking about the odds and asking myself if 1 in 10 couples have infertility problems then why wasn't there another woman in the room with my situation. Then it hit me...I am that woman...I am the 1 in 10. I would have to be in a room of 20 women (statistically speaking) to meet another woman with infertility problems. And that's just a woman who has been "trying" for a year and not fallen pregnant...they could still go on to get pregnant on their own.

For me to meet another woman with POF in my age range I would need a room full of 2,000 women younger than 30 (the odds are 1 in 1,000 before age 30). And then since I'm talking odds...10% will have fertility problems but only 5% of that 10% will ever need or decide to pursue IVF procedures (accounting for effective fertility treatment that is less invasive, those who can't afford IVF and those that pursue adoption instead). And of that remaining 5% of the initial 10% I can only imagine the small percentage that will need to pursue IVF using an egg donor. Wow! I am statistically an anomaly in society. I don't know if that makes me feel unique or just plain lonely.

Being normal is not necessarily a virtue...it rather denotes a lack of courage

This past year I've had a lot of thoughts and longing for a "normal" life. I wanted to think about my future outside of the realm of saving for donor egg invitro or adoption and just be able to wishfully think of what I would do or be like if we were able to have kids on our own. I had been trying to figure out how and why ovarian failure happened to me so much and trying to figure out how Jeff and I would ever have kids that I lost a great deal of "normal" in life. And instead of placing things aside and trying to be normal I dreamed of ways I could change myself to be and have normal. But I'm not going to change, my health situation is very much unlikely to change, the chances of me ever getting pregnant on my own are not going to change...so the one thing that can change is my attitude. I've made a decision that I will go about my life like anyone else and that Jeff and I can plan on children just like anyone else and eventually when the time is right and things align for that goal then it will happen. Being "normal" is all about the perspective and attitude you have of it.

Also I was watching "Practical Magic" today (one of my favorite movies) and I've seen it over a dozen times but today this line really popped out at me: one character states all she wants is a normal life and the other woman says... "My darling girl when are you going to understand that being normal is not necessarily a virtue...it rather denotes a lack of courage." And it's so true...it doesn't take courage to go about things the normal route. It takes a courageous person or in our case a courageous couple to take on a different route and courage to realize that even though it's not how you always thought it would be...that in the end it still will be and it will happen someday for us too :)

One year older and wiser...

My birthday was on October 5th. I had a good birthay and I don't mind being 28. I like the look of it...but that may be my preference towards even numbers coming out. Anyway they finally assigned a negotiator to the house we made an offer on...maybe things will work out afterall. I hope so....will keep you posted :)

Jeff sent me flowers to work for my birthday....

I am so lucky...

I am so lucky to have married the man I did. He truly is my best friend. Jeff is so selfless and always willing to do anything for me. I want to learn to be more like that. He is so patient and kind. He's never made me feel bad for my weaknesses or second best to anything (okay he loves his video games alot...but I know with a simple request he's right there). I don't know how many men would have stuck by my side during the last year. I'm sure it wasn't fun a month into marriage to have to deal with a depressed bride and constant tears and different bouts with emotion. But he has been my biggest support and I don't know how I could have made it through so "gracefully" without him. I appreciate him so much and admire so many things about him. He makes me laugh all the time and I can say or do anything around him. He is always willing to help around the house and make dinner...even more so now that my work hours have changed. He is always there for me even when I think I can do it on my own...yes I'm the stubborn one. He is the best and ever will be the best thing to ever happen to me.

Strange Jealousy

I've been dealing with this for a while now. It's one of those things you don't pay attention to until you realize things will be different for you. I was diagnosed with ovarian failure/insufficiency in 2007 when I was 27. Since then Jeff and I got married (been married almost a year now) and for the first true time in my life I started feeling like I wanted a family someday. But because of my body failing we'll have to go about things quite differently in that area of life. The only reliable options for a family at this point are adoption or donor egg invitro... meaning I will genetically pass on nothing to my children.

I've started noticing more recently now how kids can look so much like their parents...I especially notice this with little girls that look so much like their mom. I used to imagine or picture this little girl I would have one day and how she would have my blue eyes or quirky smile. Now I realize I'll probably never have that and I'm insanely jealous of those that do. It seems like such a strange thing to be jealous of but I am. I hope that I'll come out stronger at the end of this trial because at the moment I feel like this has made me realize nothing but my weaknesses and they are many. Just my thoughts right now.

Good luck...bad luck day :-S

Well the bad thing is my day was crazy :P I ended up with a slight fender scrape accident while coming back from lunch. Stinky nerd cut into my lane and turned right into me. And then to top off my day at work I ended up with a 5-pack removal of kids. What a juggling act! I thought I was going in for a stint of bad luck. But then Jeff and I went and looked at houses tonight and found one we really like. So maybe our/my luck is about to change. Wish us luck with it all.

House Hunting

Jeff and I are excited to begin looking at houses (again) hehe Things are looking on the up and up this time around and we're hoping to find something we really love. We're looking anywhere from Bountiful to Layton with different things to consider with each. I'm excited to get into a home. And more then anything right now I'm excited for a DISHWASHER :) It'll be awesome.