Better...

I'm getting more excited about the holidays. Maybe because I'm wrapping up my shopping and there are presents under the tree. I always get excited to give presents to people and find a good gift for the hard-to-shop-for. I feel better about the holidays and I'm looking forward to them more now. My sister is spending Christmas with us and I'm excited about that and love to spend time with her. I feel lucky to be where I am and to have a warm home and a job and an education (continuing education even) and those are just touching on the blessing that are "things" and as they say...The greatest things in this world are not things.

I look forward to the coming year and to finish school and hopefully to come a few steps closer to our goal. Merry Christmas in the meantime :)

Our Christmas Decor...Andrea, Jeff, Michelle and Thor's stockings all hung with care...in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon will be there

Holiday Bah-hum-bug

I have to say that between being away from my parents and all the wanting-a-kid-that-I-can't-have right now and then not knowing if this time next year will be the same way or the year after that too and so on...I'm not a big fan of the holidays. It isn't as bad as it could be...it can always be worse right? I have a loving husband, a dog who is spoiled rotten and family who cares and that I can count on. Lately I just feel more like there is that missing piece and that I want more. I don't have crazy envy of those with children like I did the Christmas right after being diagnosed (man that was depressing). I just have anxiety. I worry that it will never happen, I worry about the possibility of it happening, I worry that I'll get my hopes up and they'll be deflated all over again.

The holidays and especially Christmas have so much to do with family and kids. I can completely see why it would be hard to go through the holidays without all of that in tow. I get the question of having kids more often lately. I guess after two years of marriage it's pretty common and harder (at least in LDS/Mormon culture) to pawn off on enjoying married life still, although I am. I also just have the feeling that those who aren't asking are assuming that something isn't right. I don't know which is worse being asked and able to throw out my defense mechanism answers of "oh goodness not yet" or "I want to finish school and get a real job first" or just being ignored altogether when it comes to the topic.

I'm also not really into the church related side of the holidays so much either. I believe in God and I believe in a plan to life and an afterlife and being with family and loved ones. But I don't want to be around those that just take it all for granted. I don't want to hear the lessons and lectures about family and how it's such a blessing. If it's such a blessing then does that mean Jeff and I have been cursed because we can't? If we're given trials to help us grow then why do I feel like, at least when it comes to church, that I have digressed so much? I don't know. I think it's good that we're taking time to figure this out and that I don't feel the pressure that I did to "have a family" and "being a mother is your most important role and calling" kind of thing that it felt like before. I hope it gets better eventually but right now I think I am fine giving God the silent treatment and I believe that if He loves us unconditionally and knows everything the way they say He does that He understands how we feel and still loves us and will be there when we want to talk again.

For unto US a child is born...

This is a thought from Krista Oakes who wrote a book on infertility from an LDS perspective. The thought came from a message board that I follow sometimes. Anyway it just really lifted my spirits this season and I wanted to leave it here for others to enjoy also:

Christmas is all about a baby who was born under normally impossible conditions. Mary was a virgin and as such had a 0% chance of conceiving naturally. But God had a plan, and the miracle happened. The baby we celebrate at Christmas is our Savior, who lived and took upon himself all that we must bear in this life. He triumphed over it all. He is the great source of hope for us, no matter our circumstance. As the scriptures say, "for unto US a child is born." He was born for all of us, and I am happy to celebrate his coming into the world. There are so many things that can distract us from that reality of Christmas, but if we keep our eye on the Savior it is a joyous time of year.

I also love the Christmas story, because it tells us of another baby who was born -- this time to Elisabeth, who was post-menopausal. You've heard me talk about their story before. She and her husband Zacharias were righteous temple workers who lived in a culture that considered fertility to be a sign of God's favor. We can relate to their frustration, as they surely wondered why their prayers for a child went unanswered. I can imagine their despair when Elisabeth reached menopause. And then - finally - their son John was born, in another miracle that fulfilled a specific purpose at a specific time. I love hearing these reminders that children come when and how they are supposed to, regardless of the obstacles that would make it otherwise impossible. With God, nothing is impossible.

We are blessed and we are loved -- all of us are. We may have righteous desires that are unfulfilled, and our longing is evidence of our righteousness. But we can rejoice in the child who was born "unto us" more than two millennia ago. Because of him we have so much to be grateful for, and so much to look forward to. Today's pains will ultimately be swallowed up in mercy and joy as we come unto him. I know this to be true, and I am so thankful for that knowledge

The Christmas Feeling...

Man I'm complaining a lot lately. I realize that I am but it feels better to have it out there then stewing in my brain. We got a Christmas card from one of my old roommates yesterday that announced they were expecting their first child. It was cute and a fun little way to announce things I guess. But I just had that feeling of envy again. I kept it to myself for a while but later that night I just sat with Jeff in front of the Christmas tree in tears. I kept thinking "I don't want to be them...I just don't want to be me". I don't have a strong desire to have a kid or to be pregnant so it's not like I'm jealous of them...I'm just so jealous that they can do that and make that decision and get there.

I wish too that it hadn't been announced around Christmas. I'm sure to the couple who can get pregnant the normal way that it seems like the perfect time to announce that type of thing. But to the person or couple who can't it just feels like a slap in the face at a time of year when you may already have a tough enough time being around family and all the kids and kid-oriented stuff. Last year I was depressed because I found out "officially" that I had ovarian failure and now this year that announcement just reminded me again (just in time for Christmas).

I hope that my mood improves for tonight as we are having family over for Christmas Eve. I suppose there are many people who have it worse off this Christmas and I am grateful for all I do have. I guess there are things we will always envy about others...my sister-in-law envies our new house and I envy her with her three cute little kids. Time to just be happy with what we have right and for the ultimate gift that we were all given through Christ's birth.