Disclosure and Other Thoughts...

As Kendall and Seren develop such an amazing vocabulary and understanding of things around them I find myself thinking a little more about the disclosure of donor egg.  I suppose that has a little to do with my recent thoughts on the subject also.  I know it's not urgent and I know it will come with time on it's own.  After all what barely-three-year-old really asks or wonders how they came to be.  Maybe some do but our girls are far too busy with other things.  Those who have children old enough what has been your first step in talking about it? and at what age?

Sometimes when we talk about them as babies and how small they were we'll talk about how they were in my belly.  Or when they see pictures of little babies on my friends' Facebook pages I will talk about how they were once so small.  They like to hear about it and see their baby pictures.  But so far words beyond "mommy and daddy had some special people help us to have you" haven't been needed.  Their story is so near and dear to my heart.  I always have overwhelming gratitude to this woman we'll never know and to the doctors and process that made it possible for me to experience pregnancy and for us to be parents to our amazing girls.  I can't think of the events and people who made it possible without getting emotional.  Our journey wasn't easy but it was so beyond meant to be.  

Yesterday, I found myself reading about POF/POI on the Stirrup-Queen's blog diagnoses section.  It states "autoimmune diseases producing anti-thyroid (Graves’, Hashimoto’s) or anti-adrenal (Addison’s) antibodies often result in creating anti-ovarian antibodies thus inducing POF". Although I've often believed something to this effect as well as my RAI (radioactive iodine) treatment of Graves being tied to my POF this is the first real tie together of the two that I've seen.  It was almost a relief to feel more justified in this belief.  The fact that my body attacked itself still upsets me.  That the only thing I have to blame for my infertility and dependence on thyroid medicine and HRT is myself.  My body which can't seem to discern between my own cells or endocrine system and foreign bodies (however exactly it happens with autoimmune issues). Of course in the next breath and thought I have to be extremely grateful for my body.  It did what it was supposed to do in getting pregnant and carrying twins to nearly full-term.  It brought me my greatest blessings and these perfectly made children.  I try not to bad-mouth my body for that reason but it frustrates me to rely on medication and worry about health problems that may arise due to this.  I guess we all have our faults though right.  

The Fast Track...

We went in for my sonohystogram yesterday and received our calendar for this cycle this morning...there were some questions the nurse wanted to clarify with Dr H once I told her I didn't need to take the Lupron. One thing can be said for POF/POI, it doesn't slow you down when it comes to frozen cycles.  I had been expecting the typical calendar of approximately a month before transfer.  We had said we'd like to just move forward as soon as possible and the nurse originally gave us a tentative time frame of the week of November 4th transfer.  This was fine by me.  Time to get ready.  Time to comprehend and let it all really settle into my brain.  But low and behold Dr H told our nurse that due to my ovaries sitting on the sidelines already for this game that I didn't need to do Lupron (knew that) and also didn't need to manipulate my cycle with birth control (good job ovaries).

We were given the option to start Estrace and a cycle immediately or postpone a little if we had our hearts set on Dr H doing the transfer.  I was pretty tempted to postpone out until November 4th but after checking my calendar realized that I have a boutique show scheduled that week with a friend.  So since there is no harm, no foul in having another doctor do the transfer we are going ahead with the earlier transfer the week of October 14th.  Barely two weeks away.  The nerves are starting to kick in.  Ready or not the clock is ticking.

POF pisses me off

Honestly I despise POF (premature ovarian failure; aka POI premature ovarian insufficiency).  I'm not sure if now after having kids if it pisses me off more on the infertility side or the "old lady" factor or the health conscious side or the "what if" side.

I don't even know if we will want to have another child from our totsicles in the future.  We are so incredibly blessed and happy with our two wonderful girls right now.  We'll always be happy with them but I still wonder if I'd like to give it another go around with a singleton and sibling for them.  I'm not so much worried about deciding or discussing.  It would be a while and the snow angels aren't going anywhere.  But some days it bothers me.  Like when friends who had kids just before I got pregnant are now announcing number 2 and I sit and wonder how that would be (to get pregnant on my own...not have #2 obviously hehe).

Sometimes it's simply what I call the "old lady" factor.  I feel old sometimes.  Past my prime.  When other women in my age bracket haven't even hit their prime.  I feel like I am worrying about things that women my age don't even consider (ie heart disease, osteoporosis, etc).  I wonder if I would have more energy or an easier time with my weight or even a better libido.  I worry if I will age faster or get wrinkles sooner or just basically look older than I am.

I have mentioned it before but I'm back working nights in the medical records temporarily as they prepare to move stuff off-site.  The other night I was sorting radiology files and again found myself comparing my ovary measurement (from 2007) with the women I saw there.  The young women were hitting multiple times my 1cc volume ovary measurement (some obviously with cystic issues in the opposite direction of the problem I have).  But then I beat out a 54 year old lady who had both ovaries measuring in under 1 cc.  Of course one of mine wasn't even visible for the ultrasound so there I go again a 54 year old technically functioning better then I was at 27 years old.  Heaven knows I've only declined even more since then.

I don't miss my genetic children.  I used to.  But there a no longer "what if" questions in the realm at all.  I really wouldn't trade my girls for the world when it comes to that.  It's just all the other darn stuff that POF comes with.  Why can't it just be one or the other instead of all of these other issues on top of infertility.  All I can say is grrrrrrrrrrr!

Advice Please...

This is a post related to a womanly problem.  If you have any advice regarding this please leave it...I'm at a loss as to what to do.

After having the girls and going to my ob/gyn appointment I decided to go with LoSeasonique as a form of birth control and hormone replacement.  I put off taking it for a couple weeks...wondering if my body would kick out anything on it's own.  I have been diagnosed with POI/POF for 3 + years now so I wasn't expecting much but was curious.  Nothing happened so I started taking the pill and 2 weeks later I started a period (without going placebo or missing pills).  I decided to stop the pill and start over when the period ended.  It ended and I waited maybe a week so I'd be on the right day of the pack.  Started the pill again and again about 2 weeks later started another period.  So then I stopped the pill for a month to see if my body was doing anything or if this was just some pill related fluke.  Nothing.  Started the pill again a few weeks ago and this time I went about 3 weeks and now again I am having spotting (I considered this a normal adjustment and kept taking it) and today more like a full-blown period.

POI/POF ladies:  Has this happened to you at any time?  What is your best approach to dealing with spotting or "off kilter" periods in the middle of birth control or HRT??  I find POI so infuriating to try to figure out!  Moms on birth control:  What is your experience with starting birth control after having a baby??

** Also, I don't have current insurance due to a change in jobs at our house so I can't just go see a doctor right now **

Reflections

I am taking up a "homework challenge" from Keiko at Hannah Wept Sarah Laughed to review some of my old and beginner posts and reflect on how I've grown and changed during this infertility struggle and journey.  I was basically diagnosed with POI/POF around age 26 and fully diagnosed at 27.  I was devastated and I used to feel irritated or bitter toward women who were older than me and were able to get pregnant.  My initial diagnosis was the darkest time I can recall in my life.  I started this blog about a year after that diagnosis.  Sometimes I wish I would have started it right from the beginning to really see the changes in attitude but I was definitely in no place at that time to be able to share that pain and insecurity with anyone.  I felt like a failure.  I felt like a disappointment.  I felt betrayed by my own self.  Anyway so I can't share with you the worst part of my travels but I'm sure it mirrors a lot of what many infertile people may feel.

As to reflections of posts that began my blogging.  I noticed a lot of gratitude for my husband and I can never express enough how much his support got me through.  I wouldn't claim he's the only person who could have or would have pulled me out or gone through it with me but I think he was the best person for the job.

I also look at the things that I was so worried about missing out on with children.  I was worried about not sharing looks and eye color and genetics.  Of course that is such a normal thing to be sad about initially but it honestly never crosses my mind anymore.  I think of how beautiful my daughters are and how much I love them and I can't imagine why those things mattered so much.  I realize these are the after thoughts of someone who has been lucky enough to be where I am and in no way consider it wrong for other's to mourn that loss.  But I really can tell you that it is such a null and void thought on this side.  I also worried about my feelings being less connected or attached to my kids based on the missing genetic link.  I couldn't be further off base with this worry.

One of my favorite posts of reflection was this one regarding "normal".  I was so wrapped up in being normal for the first year of my diagnosis and hoping and praying for miracles to happen and for us to conceive on our own that I missed out on a lot.  I'm glad that we had time on our side.  I'm actually glad at this juncture that I wasn't diagnosed during attempts to conceive and instead that it happened before I was even married.  It taught me about true love.  It helped me to grow and learn (and for us to save a butt load of money) before we pursued our donor egg in-vitro attempt.  It was actually a blessing in disguise even though I felt it was such horrible timing then.

So I end with a quote I still love today:
My darling girl when are you going to understand that being normal is not necessarily a virtue...it rather denotes a lack of courage. - Practical Magic-

No one who is required to go through great measures to achieve their dreams of a family can really say it's the "normal" route but it's the route we're given and we're all courageous for taking it on in whatever fashion we do.  So props to all of the infertility community out there and for all of your amazing courage.

Skiwampus...

That's one of my new favorite words.  Anyway my body is skiwampus and can't decide what to do with itself.  I started back on my birth control about 3 months after the girls were born.  Two weeks into taking it I started a period.  I thought well I did miss a pill on accident that's probably why but stopped taking the pills to allow my body to straighten itself out.  I waited a month or so past this period to see if anything else happened (asking a general doctor on the way to run my FSH and estradiol...no go from him :p).  Then I started back up a little less then two weeks ago and low and behold another period seems to be rearing its head.  It's been really light so I'm not sure.  But this time I haven't missed taking any of my pills so what gives?

Now I'm understanding why menopausal women find this so annoying.  Before I used to think "yeah a period off schedule...maybe something is happening".  But now it's like I have no expectation or desire (at least at this point) of pregnancy the skiwampus periods are really just annoying instead.  I wish my body would figure itself out so that I could get on with the day.

On the interesting side of life...we put our house on the market less than a week ago (we've had one showing...not sure if it was a favor or actual potential buyer), DH is interviewing with jobs (hoping to have less stress and more time at home) and we bought a used jogging stroller (hopefully it will inspire some exercise once it stops raining...when did I move to Seattle and not realize it??)

Is it my job?

Is it my job to educate every dang doctor I go to.  Seriously?  And honestly why do doctors (stupid ones) assume that people know nothing about their bodies and how they work?  Blah!  I decided after the twins were born it was time to get a family practice doctor set up for Jeff and I.  I have only been to doctors related to my various conditions (thyroid, a branchial cleft cyst and POF/POI) for the last 6 or so years. I don't know the last time Jeff went to the doctor.

Anyway I set up an appointment with a random doctor (sometimes I base it on if I feel I can pronounce their name haha) and after the girls 4 month appointment I head to my own.  Well they changed the random doctor I chose to the one I'm pretty sure I purposefully avoided.  The doctor that we saw after-hours for my tension headache that happened the last month of my pregnancy.  The one that didn't know what to do with me and recommended a sleeping pill and tylenol.  Jeff didn't like him and I only did because I was in pain and had some option for relief, even if minimal.

So I go to this doctor and I talk to him about the reason for my visit (to get a primary care provided for Jeff and I and to get my thyroid checked).  He asks why I think my thyroid levels should be checked and if I'd had symptoms or weight loss.  Hello...my thyroid was irradiated years ago and they boosted my hormones during pregnancy (did he not listen to the first run through?).  I explain again and say I also lost a lot of weight post pregnancy to which he acts like a jerk and says "yah of course".  I'm not talking pregnancy weight...I'm talking 30 lbs lighter then I was when I got pregnant and dropping (it took 2 months to actually start putting some weight back on).  Anyway I finally convince him I need that checked.

Then I brave the waters and mention my POF/POI and the fact I started taking the pill after my pregnancy only to start a period with a week or two of pills under my belt.  He tells me that I can have periods without ovulating.  Oh my heck...what a dumb ass.  I have researched more on POF then probably any doctor (save the expert I saw at NIH).  I knew more about it then my specialist/RE so I really doubt some numb nut like this guy can tell me anything new.  I go on anyway and ask if it's possible to have my FSH and estradiol drawn for with my TSH/thyroid test.  He of course side steps this and says "well I'd just wait and see if you have any more cycles".  Uh yah thanks moron...I plan to start back on the pill instead of waiting around for that which a genius like yourself should know will prevent any "seeing what happens".

Seriously I'm just so sick of doctors who don't give me the time of day to actually participate in my own health care.  Why is it so hard to find a doctor who actually gives me a chance to prove I know enough about my body and issues to be asking informed and intelligent questions and requests.  So needless to say once my thyroid prescription gets renewed (the levels came back normal...yeah!) I will be looking for another doctor.  Even being educated enough to be your own self-advocate isn't enough sometimes...not when you have to deal with the morons who inhabit the medical field.

Woes of the fertile...

*warning: I may sound like an ungrateful infertile lady here but don't want to censor what I think either*

Why do the fertile find it necessary to tell the infertile about it?  Okay no I don't want to say you have to pick and choose your topics of conversation around me.  But really?  I have a friend that has two kids already and apparently went through an ectopic pregnancy recently.  She proceeded to tell me about it online through chat.  I felt like I was talked down to (i.e. "ectopic is a tubal pregnancy in case you didn't know") and then she treated it like it was a full blown miscarriage (she hadn't even gotten a positive pregnancy test).  She wasn't even far along enough for it to damage her tubes, which is what I thought all the fuss and drama was about.  I would've actually felt she had the right to feel how she did and felt more sorry for her if she'd lost a tube.  But I'm sorry...call me a self-centered biotch...but an ectopic pregnancy that isn't even far enough along to damage a tube doesn't even cross the line I would draw for it being a baby yet.  Which is how she treated it..."they had to take the baby" and as if her hormones were out of whack and she had "baby blues" because of this.  I don't know.  I guess I should be grateful I don't have to worry about having a tubal or a miscarriage (most likely) but dang gina can we lay off the dramatics for this kind of thing when you're telling a friend that you very well know can never have a kid on her own.  It's not the end of the world.  And yes you are as you say "young and still want more kids" but you know what (even though I have two beautiful girls now)...maybe I did too or would like to at least feel it was my choice.

Thoughts of Pregnancy -- Post Pregnancy

I have thought about my post pregnancy thoughts more so recently.  Like how I feel about having any possibility of my own genetic children after having our beautiful girls.  I hope I don't offend anyone by saying this.  I know we all come from different experiences and situations.  Some have children prior to taking the route of donor egg children, some only have the option of donor egg children and some still feel a desire for a genetic child after having a donor egg child.  We all have the right to feel how we do and pursue our desires how we see fit.  So where do I fall?

When I consider the very slim chance of getting pregnant on my own the only thing I really think would be great is not having a team of doctors involved with the conception and not having to have needles stuck in my back side daily for 10-12 weeks straight.  I would also love to not have to take hormones for the rest of my life in hopes that I don't end up with osteoporosis or other POF/POI side effects.

I used to imagine how I would love for my body to kick into gear after pregnancy and possibly get pregnant without intervention.  I believe Jeff and I used to talk about how I wouldn't use birth control then either and we'd just see what happened.  But after having Kendall and Seren, I can honestly say that I have no real desire to have a genetic child.  I can't imagine feeling any more connected to one or more love towards one or whatever reason it is that makes us want to perpetuate our own DNA.  Most days I forget that these girls don't share any of my genetics.  And even more so I wonder how they would feel if we were to have a genetic child.  Not that any parent would ever treat their children differently or feel different towards them.  But then I wonder...would they somehow feel second best?  Just the thought of it diminishing their importance (even if it were just a feeling they had or quietly never expressed) makes me think I would never pursue that.  I couldn't be more lucky than in having them.

Surprisingly confident...

I feel like I am surprisingly confident in my body's ability to do this. I know I'm only in the very beginning stretch and there are many hurdles to cross still. I always imagined that when we did DE IVF that I would be worried about the pregnancy and not want to do anything (at all) that would be even a small risk. But I still go to work, I still lift things and vacuum there (not really at home because our vacuum is awkward at times) and generally go about normal life. I feel like my body can finally do this. It has had problems before with thyroid issues and ovarian issues and things that I thought I would worry about it coming through for us but I have to say so far it has been a champ. I haven't had any spotting ever (thank goodness...I'm sure I'd worry more then) and no other issues or complaints. I don't even really have morning sickness or nausea (sometimes mild ick feeling at morning and night but generally I feel great). So I have to give props to my body for doing what it is supposed to do and as far as I can tell doing it well.

I did get pretty sick over the weekend. I have a feeling it was something I ate (whopper jr. to be exact) and I ended up throwing up several times on Saturday night and some into the next day. I didn't eat anything but a couple bites of soup and applesauce on Sunday. Jeff was amazing and took care of anything he could and went to the store several times for whatever sounded good (Sprite, Gatorade, applesauce, etc.). On Monday I ate a few more things and now I feel back to normal. I worried a lot on Sunday about the babies and if this was food poisoning or a bug and if it would harm the babies to be so sick. Jeff also got sick on Monday night so that made me feel a little better that maybe it was just a bug and not so worrisome. I felt like there was little I could do though then to try to take my vitamins and eat when I could and try to get liquid in me. I feel like so much is out of my control when it comes to being sick and that to worry would just make it worse. I hope the babies are okay though and I feel good or bad enough as the case may be that I'm going to try not to worry about it.

So excited for her...

I have a friend that I met through the POF support groups. I realized after going back in my emails that I have been email friends with her for almost two years now. We have both related on many things over that time and she has been a big support and comfort to me. She married her long time sweetie last year and they went forward with their first attempt at DE IVF. The fresh and frozen attempts did not work and I'm sure she was heartbroken. I was heartbroken for her. They did another attempt recently and there were some initial worries with this too. I don't know if she follows my blog and if so I hope the fact that no names or such being here is okay with her. Anyway they were supposed to know something early this week and I didn't hear from her. I worried and then decided to start thinking of all the possible positive scenarios (keeping the vibe alive on my end). I heard from her today...it was good news and what sounds like some healthy beta numbers. I'm so excited for her and so glad that things so far are good. I hope I get to be in her shoes sometime in the future but for now I'm just reveling in her happy news and success.

Just a number

I've been starting my Spring semester at school and I'm taking Diagnostic Coding. After getting into this class a little it doesn't surprise me at all that the healthcare and insurance field can be kind of "cold" and distant. Like everything you can think of and more is down to a number. I am 256.31 (premature menopause...which actually POI doesn't fit the definition in the coding book...YEAH) or 256.2 (if I believe RAI played a role) or 256.39 (if you go by POI definition...I think). I feel like Jean Valjean in Les Miserable where the only thing Javier knows Valjean by is his prison number 24601.

From an informational and organizational standard it's not something you can change. But why expect them to understand the depth of the condition when all they know it by is a number?

Karma and Misfortune

I don't know if I really believe in karma and I don't really believe that this is a case of karma but more of misfortune. Misfortune and odds. After all I know far too many women who seem to get pregnant easily to not know more women who don't. It was bound to happen right?

A good friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) recently began asking me more about how I came to be diagnosed with POF...what tests they did and what else they thought it might be. I of course became curious why they were asking and came to find out they had been trying to get pregnant and that she had missed periods without the happy following of a positive pregnancy test. I explained the rarity of POF and the other possible outcomes this might be. I did my best to be supportive while in my head this little voice said "karma's a bitch". I'm sure this friend had tried be supportive with my POF diagnosis but I always felt belittled and diminished when I talked about it with her. After all according to her it was worse to have bad in-laws than infertility and remodeling often came with a 50-60% risk of not getting what you paid for. I'm sure it was just a hopeful way to relate to me and a miserable attempt at showing empathy when all I really wanted to hear was "I'm sorry" or "That sucks". I don't remember hearing those the first time around...maybe because the hurtful things stick out so well in my memory. But as we talked about the possibilities and her feelings towards it I heard "I'm sorry you had to go through this"(even with that I laughed a little inside thinking "uh yah...STILL going through it"). But it still felt strangely healing. Healing for me to hear and to actually feel understood a little by her. This wasn't some small little thing in one's life. It wasn't comparable to other things and it wasn't a bid for competition or attention. It sucked! It hurt! It wasn't easy.

She had an appointment a couple weeks later and some blood work results a week or so after that. Come to find out she has PCOS and will be going on some medication to help regulate things. I've heard very hopeful things about this medication and of it fixing things and working relatively quickly. So come January when she's off the birth control again (used to regulate her body) I imagine that she will be coming out with some "happy news". I will be happy for her (I hope) but I wonder if the understanding will remain or if it will be back to minimizing or trying to debunk the worries that I have. I imagine that I will just continue to refrain from talking to her about my POF issues due to the feelings of dislike and anger that her resulting comments usually instill in me.

My Life is a Monet

I think in analogies a lot it seems. I have emailed a fellow POFer and good friend, J, for over a year now. We sometimes talk about how messy and crazy POF can be and how it makes your life feel out of sorts, maddening, saddening and totally unpredictable. We also often hope together. Hope for the luck and blessing to have a family, hope for better health and understanding and outcomes of POF and hope for things to turn out in general. We talk about how someday we'll look back at the hardship of it all and be completely grateful and see the beauty of how it turned out. I told her the other day that our lives are like Monet's (coming from the movie Clueless). They are kind of messy and not always pretty close up but when you look back on them or have some distance between yourself and the mess then it can be beautiful. I hope I can look back at the "art" of life in the long run.

My greatest blessing...

My greatest blessing right now is Jeff. Having a husband who supports me no matter what and never complains is the biggest blessing. He doesn't complain about the fact that money is tighter now with me going back to school and that we can't afford things like we did before. He doesn't complain that my time is spent with work and school for the most part. He is just always very supportive and patient with me. I love him so much and I'm so grateful to have him in my life. We talked a while back about how things were and we were with POI before we got married. He told me that when he was thinking about marrying me that he thought of how POI could mean we might never have kids AT ALL (on our own or with DE IVF or adoption). He wanted to be with me despite all of that. How many women can be ironically "lucky" enough to know that...that their husband loved them enough even faced with that type of possibility that they still stuck by their side. I love Jeff so much and I'm so grateful that we're in this life together!!

Feeling Good

I've noticed with POI that I seem to have gained more weight in my middle. I've heard this is a common complaint too with POF/POI women. I think it stinks...as you can't get pregnant but you get a spare tire or other weight gaining which then leads some people to think you might be and the real morons (yes clerk at Walmart I'm thinking of you...despite it being like a year ago you bug me) to actually ask if you are. Anyway I have been trying to watch what I eat (something I've never really worried about before) and I feel like it's helping. Okay so no huge improvements but just feeling better about it. I need more dedication to get exercising too as I know that would help. That will be my next goal. Yeah me!

I am back in school (maybe I never mentioned it on this blog) but I quit my social work job due to major stress and emotional mess I became. I went back to retail part-time for work (don't get me started on how the difference in pay really sucks) and back to school. I really enjoy my classes and I love learning but I also don't like putting money into something (no matter the hopefully short term of it) when I would really rather put it into savings. Some is going to a student loan though and I will try to balance out the rest. At least we haven't used any savings so that is good. I don't know just having a feeling good about things day and it's always good to share those days.

How to be Supportive of Infertility

I was going through old emails and clearing out my inbox and came across one that someone sent me in reply to a complaint of a friend who I felt minimized me when I talked to her about how difficult POF and infertility issues have been. I think it's worth posting here. It is an article Resolve did on how to be supportive and gives a good view of what it's like for those that face infertility. It is however long so I won't take up all the space here. Here's the link:

http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie

Long Term Outlook

POF has many facets for how it affects your life. Your ovaries basically shut down or stop working. This means that eggs aren't formed and it is the formation process (monthly cylce) and an active ovary that produces most of estrogen in a womans body and also produces some testosterone and other hormones. Without estrogen you run into problems with absorption of calcium and maintaining bone density and also cardiovascular risk. Basically you become prone to the same issues that a menopausal woman becomes susceptible to...but with POF you are at risk 20-30 years sooner. Most women with POF take Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) in order to counter the risks but even then you are still at risk of osteoperosis and heart disease. It's scary stuff.

I remember when I got over the initial infertility issue enough to worry about my health that I was terrified I'd have osteoperosis and I worried about POF upping my risks of hereditary heart problems. I asked my doctor about getting a DEXA scan (bone scan) for osteoperosis and he said it was unnecessary and I should be fine. That was another reason that Jeff and I went to the NIH in Washington D.C. because they performed standard tests for POF free of charge for their study. They realized that osteoperosis is a risk even in a 27 year old (at the time) woman when it comes to POF. Luckily I tested normal for bone density at the time but I should be retested every few years and take proactive measures like weight bearing exercise.

Anyway enough rambling. Basically this post was just to say that I am doing a research paper for my college course Biomed Core (biology and physiology) and I chose to do this on the long term health risks of Premature Ovarian Failure. I think it will be good for me to get more information and I've researched it before so I already know a lot of the material. I am interested to find out more detail about the risks though.

Misconceptions

Over the past week I have talked to a couple of friends about the POF situation and I'm always kind of surprised at the misconceptions people have. Even after just talking in detail to one friend about the idea of chosing a donor that might look similar to me, a couple minutes later she says that she hopes that our kids will have my blue eyse. I don't understand what part of donor egg people don't get. It means that the starter cells will not have my DNA or my genes and therefore there is no possibility that the child will have "my" blue eyes.

Then in a conversation with a different friend about her house remodel she comments "we're saving for our house and you're saving for a baby". I asked how much her house remodel had cost so far (around $10k) and didn't bring up the cost difference alone that there was because I knew she would argue it. Instead I just say "well at least when you save the money and put it out there you're guaranteed a finished product" and she says "not necessarily". Uh...yes you are. You might have other projects and more money to go into it but generally speaking in terms of retail sales (Home Depot/Lowes included) you get what you pay for. Seriously where's the argument there? That is another misconception that really bothers me. People just think IVF is 100% effective and the solution. When in reality the average nationwide success rate is about 40% (only double the 20% success rate expected each month for regular couples) and 15,000 times the cost. It's not always a solution and it's not cheap. easy or guaranteed.

I have decided that I need to not worry about it though. People will never understand what it's like or the facts of it unless they've been there. I used to think it was worth educating my friends on, at least those I felt okay talking to. But with my friends it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I need to not be offended so much when people don't understand. I think I'm to the point where I don't feel a need to complain about it (at least for now hehe) because I feel more hopeful that things will work out.

Infertility video that I put together...