Popping Pills...

This cycle isn't all that different but I've been trying to keep track of all the pills I'm supposed to pop and when.  Seriously?  How do people ever keep it straight when it comes to more complicated stuff?  I have my regular thyroid medicine, my estrogen (2 or 3 times a day depending on the week), the steroids/prednisone (anti-auto immune), the doxycycline, the PIO shots, plus low-dose aspirin that I decided to throw in on my own after reading and research.  Oh and my prenatal vitamins...can't forget those.  Luckily the steroids and doxy will only be with me for five days and two days respectively but still.  It's become quite the list.

I will have my lining check ultrasound tomorrow and most likely the transfer will be a week from tomorrow.  We traded out the sesame seed oil for olive oil and boy do I hope that does the trick with the progesterone shots.  If I have hives and everything again I'm going to be one nervous lady.  I don't want to be switching between medication to find one that works.  So if the cycle works and the hives happen but my levels are fine I may just have to itch and deal.

I still don't have high hopes on this working.  Maybe I'll feel a little more optimistic once they thaw and transfer is complete.  I hope that we have at least a couple decent looking embryos but who knows.  Logically I don't know if I really want to do another cycle but emotionally I don't know if I could let it go if this one doesn't work.  We would only have one more shot after this.  So yah I probably couldn't let go of that "last chance".  I guess I shouldn't even look that far ahead and just focus on this one and the possibility of positive results.  We have a few things working on our side this time.  The biopsy that is supposed to increase chances of implantation and the prednisone that might be able to tell my immune system to "back the hell off" being the two biggest ones.  If it weren't for that change in our protocol I'm not sure I'd give it any better hope than the last one.  Nothing to do but pop pills, stab needles, keep going and wait it out.

Disclosure and Other Thoughts...

As Kendall and Seren develop such an amazing vocabulary and understanding of things around them I find myself thinking a little more about the disclosure of donor egg.  I suppose that has a little to do with my recent thoughts on the subject also.  I know it's not urgent and I know it will come with time on it's own.  After all what barely-three-year-old really asks or wonders how they came to be.  Maybe some do but our girls are far too busy with other things.  Those who have children old enough what has been your first step in talking about it? and at what age?

Sometimes when we talk about them as babies and how small they were we'll talk about how they were in my belly.  Or when they see pictures of little babies on my friends' Facebook pages I will talk about how they were once so small.  They like to hear about it and see their baby pictures.  But so far words beyond "mommy and daddy had some special people help us to have you" haven't been needed.  Their story is so near and dear to my heart.  I always have overwhelming gratitude to this woman we'll never know and to the doctors and process that made it possible for me to experience pregnancy and for us to be parents to our amazing girls.  I can't think of the events and people who made it possible without getting emotional.  Our journey wasn't easy but it was so beyond meant to be.  

Yesterday, I found myself reading about POF/POI on the Stirrup-Queen's blog diagnoses section.  It states "autoimmune diseases producing anti-thyroid (Graves’, Hashimoto’s) or anti-adrenal (Addison’s) antibodies often result in creating anti-ovarian antibodies thus inducing POF". Although I've often believed something to this effect as well as my RAI (radioactive iodine) treatment of Graves being tied to my POF this is the first real tie together of the two that I've seen.  It was almost a relief to feel more justified in this belief.  The fact that my body attacked itself still upsets me.  That the only thing I have to blame for my infertility and dependence on thyroid medicine and HRT is myself.  My body which can't seem to discern between my own cells or endocrine system and foreign bodies (however exactly it happens with autoimmune issues). Of course in the next breath and thought I have to be extremely grateful for my body.  It did what it was supposed to do in getting pregnant and carrying twins to nearly full-term.  It brought me my greatest blessings and these perfectly made children.  I try not to bad-mouth my body for that reason but it frustrates me to rely on medication and worry about health problems that may arise due to this.  I guess we all have our faults though right.  

Autoimmune Link...

I still feel our failed FET could be related to autoimmune issues.  Yes there's always the blame card right?  My body has been it's own combination punching bag and Mike Tyson for the last several years though.  It took out my thyroid with Graves' Disease.  Possibly was a factor in taking out my ovaries.  And for lack of any other good reason I think it may have helped take out the poor little embryo and chance that was given.

I know most doctors would call me crazy (or any woman crazy) but I honestly really believe that the cramping and twinge feelings I had the evening of and day after the transfer were that embryo trying to make a home.  It wasn't cramping all over.  It was one very precise side and spot.  And I felt it a few times over those first few days in the same place.  Followed by achey fullness and light stretching almost as well and then some lower back cramps.  I was 100% convinced it was working.  Then my body started reacting to the shots (maybe coincidental but I still wonder) and it was very soon after that all of those "good" feelings went away and I started realizing it was over.

I've read A LOT on autoimmune stuff in the past and now I've begun reading about secondary infertility (non-ART and via failed IVF cycles) and found medical information about the body (especially those with a history of autoimmune issues) developing natural killer cells and T-cells (?) that can work in the uterus and target and even prevent implantation of the embryo from being successful.  I wonder if that was and would be the case in the future.  I emailed the team to also ask about this possibility (without going into detail on the feelings I had) and any testing to do before trying another transfer.  We will see what Dr H has to say if anything about it.  If anyone reading this has experience with autoimmune stuff or treatment during IVF please let me know (I appreciate the contact I did receive and will reply soon).

Update on asking Dr H.  He agrees that this possibility is definitely worth looking into and possibly testing for and also mentioned prevention/suppression he has done with other patients.  He mentioned steroid treatment during cycle and also use of baby aspirin and a possible endometrium biopsy.  He also shared a research article about mild medical injury (ie scratching) to the uterus prior to a cycle improving the chances of implantation greatly.  It sounds like we will need to set up an appointment with him to go into more detail.  It makes me hopeful that he actually considers this a very possible interaction though.  I wish we would have considered this before we used up our best frozen chance.  I hope it's not too late if we look at it now.

Itching to Get My Beta....

Literally!!  This has been a very non-fun experience.  Especially the last 4 days or so.  Last night I had two giant hives on my backside.  We tried cortizone cream and it helped for maybe an hour.  And it didn't get rid of the stiff feeling of swelling in my back which is what hurt to sit, lean or sleep on and was more bothersome than the itching.  What a shitty way to end all of this.  Yep I'm admitting it.  I'm pretty sure it's the end of this one.  I would be shocked as hell if my beta came up with anything.  Which sucks cause I went into this so positive especially after the odds we were given.  I felt like things were working and noticed things that I didn't remember noticing with the girls.  Cramping, twinging, etc.  Now I don't feel anything different.  Part of me wonders if my body went crazy with the PIO reactions and had some autoimmune response, killing any chances.  I basically have two autoimmune conditions with Graves Disease and POF/POI so why wouldn't that be a possibility.

I've run out of ideas on comfort food.  I've had onion rings, chicken pot pie and hot wings in the last few days.  What's next on the menu?  Need to find the ultimate comfort food I think.  Deep fried mushrooms?  Ultimate Skillet at Village Inn?  French Onion Soup?  Kung Pow Chicken at my favorite chinese restaurant?  I guess there are still endless possibilities.  Wish the same could be said for other matters of business right now.

I think I'll buy one more test for the morning before the beta and call it a day.