POF pisses me off

Honestly I despise POF (premature ovarian failure; aka POI premature ovarian insufficiency).  I'm not sure if now after having kids if it pisses me off more on the infertility side or the "old lady" factor or the health conscious side or the "what if" side.

I don't even know if we will want to have another child from our totsicles in the future.  We are so incredibly blessed and happy with our two wonderful girls right now.  We'll always be happy with them but I still wonder if I'd like to give it another go around with a singleton and sibling for them.  I'm not so much worried about deciding or discussing.  It would be a while and the snow angels aren't going anywhere.  But some days it bothers me.  Like when friends who had kids just before I got pregnant are now announcing number 2 and I sit and wonder how that would be (to get pregnant on my own...not have #2 obviously hehe).

Sometimes it's simply what I call the "old lady" factor.  I feel old sometimes.  Past my prime.  When other women in my age bracket haven't even hit their prime.  I feel like I am worrying about things that women my age don't even consider (ie heart disease, osteoporosis, etc).  I wonder if I would have more energy or an easier time with my weight or even a better libido.  I worry if I will age faster or get wrinkles sooner or just basically look older than I am.

I have mentioned it before but I'm back working nights in the medical records temporarily as they prepare to move stuff off-site.  The other night I was sorting radiology files and again found myself comparing my ovary measurement (from 2007) with the women I saw there.  The young women were hitting multiple times my 1cc volume ovary measurement (some obviously with cystic issues in the opposite direction of the problem I have).  But then I beat out a 54 year old lady who had both ovaries measuring in under 1 cc.  Of course one of mine wasn't even visible for the ultrasound so there I go again a 54 year old technically functioning better then I was at 27 years old.  Heaven knows I've only declined even more since then.

I don't miss my genetic children.  I used to.  But there a no longer "what if" questions in the realm at all.  I really wouldn't trade my girls for the world when it comes to that.  It's just all the other darn stuff that POF comes with.  Why can't it just be one or the other instead of all of these other issues on top of infertility.  All I can say is grrrrrrrrrrr!

Skiwampus...

That's one of my new favorite words.  Anyway my body is skiwampus and can't decide what to do with itself.  I started back on my birth control about 3 months after the girls were born.  Two weeks into taking it I started a period.  I thought well I did miss a pill on accident that's probably why but stopped taking the pills to allow my body to straighten itself out.  I waited a month or so past this period to see if anything else happened (asking a general doctor on the way to run my FSH and estradiol...no go from him :p).  Then I started back up a little less then two weeks ago and low and behold another period seems to be rearing its head.  It's been really light so I'm not sure.  But this time I haven't missed taking any of my pills so what gives?

Now I'm understanding why menopausal women find this so annoying.  Before I used to think "yeah a period off schedule...maybe something is happening".  But now it's like I have no expectation or desire (at least at this point) of pregnancy the skiwampus periods are really just annoying instead.  I wish my body would figure itself out so that I could get on with the day.

On the interesting side of life...we put our house on the market less than a week ago (we've had one showing...not sure if it was a favor or actual potential buyer), DH is interviewing with jobs (hoping to have less stress and more time at home) and we bought a used jogging stroller (hopefully it will inspire some exercise once it stops raining...when did I move to Seattle and not realize it??)

New Year...New Leaf

Welcome 2010! I always think it's good to start a new year. I have resolutions this year that I'm hoping I'll stick to. 2009 was horrible for my caffeine and carbonation consumption both of which are horrible on your bones. I broke a 15+ year long habit of not drinking caffeinated drinks (religious preference) and began indulging in regular Dr Pepper (oh how I will miss thee). So first and foremost for my new goals is to stop drinking soda and carbonation (take care of my already-at-risk bones). Next goal is to be happier...not get hung up on how people behave or how I let them influence me...main focus here is my road rage (okay I've never chased anyone down or been crazy) but I will stop yelling or cursing at bad drivers and stop flipping them off. Those are my two main focuses...that and to be organized and do well in school. I also am going to try to go to WSU gym after or before my classes this semester...exercise is always a good goal. I really hope 2010 goes well.

Feeling Good

I've noticed with POI that I seem to have gained more weight in my middle. I've heard this is a common complaint too with POF/POI women. I think it stinks...as you can't get pregnant but you get a spare tire or other weight gaining which then leads some people to think you might be and the real morons (yes clerk at Walmart I'm thinking of you...despite it being like a year ago you bug me) to actually ask if you are. Anyway I have been trying to watch what I eat (something I've never really worried about before) and I feel like it's helping. Okay so no huge improvements but just feeling better about it. I need more dedication to get exercising too as I know that would help. That will be my next goal. Yeah me!

I am back in school (maybe I never mentioned it on this blog) but I quit my social work job due to major stress and emotional mess I became. I went back to retail part-time for work (don't get me started on how the difference in pay really sucks) and back to school. I really enjoy my classes and I love learning but I also don't like putting money into something (no matter the hopefully short term of it) when I would really rather put it into savings. Some is going to a student loan though and I will try to balance out the rest. At least we haven't used any savings so that is good. I don't know just having a feeling good about things day and it's always good to share those days.

Long Term Outlook

POF has many facets for how it affects your life. Your ovaries basically shut down or stop working. This means that eggs aren't formed and it is the formation process (monthly cylce) and an active ovary that produces most of estrogen in a womans body and also produces some testosterone and other hormones. Without estrogen you run into problems with absorption of calcium and maintaining bone density and also cardiovascular risk. Basically you become prone to the same issues that a menopausal woman becomes susceptible to...but with POF you are at risk 20-30 years sooner. Most women with POF take Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) in order to counter the risks but even then you are still at risk of osteoperosis and heart disease. It's scary stuff.

I remember when I got over the initial infertility issue enough to worry about my health that I was terrified I'd have osteoperosis and I worried about POF upping my risks of hereditary heart problems. I asked my doctor about getting a DEXA scan (bone scan) for osteoperosis and he said it was unnecessary and I should be fine. That was another reason that Jeff and I went to the NIH in Washington D.C. because they performed standard tests for POF free of charge for their study. They realized that osteoperosis is a risk even in a 27 year old (at the time) woman when it comes to POF. Luckily I tested normal for bone density at the time but I should be retested every few years and take proactive measures like weight bearing exercise.

Anyway enough rambling. Basically this post was just to say that I am doing a research paper for my college course Biomed Core (biology and physiology) and I chose to do this on the long term health risks of Premature Ovarian Failure. I think it will be good for me to get more information and I've researched it before so I already know a lot of the material. I am interested to find out more detail about the risks though.

Being normal is not necessarily a virtue...it rather denotes a lack of courage

This past year I've had a lot of thoughts and longing for a "normal" life. I wanted to think about my future outside of the realm of saving for donor egg invitro or adoption and just be able to wishfully think of what I would do or be like if we were able to have kids on our own. I had been trying to figure out how and why ovarian failure happened to me so much and trying to figure out how Jeff and I would ever have kids that I lost a great deal of "normal" in life. And instead of placing things aside and trying to be normal I dreamed of ways I could change myself to be and have normal. But I'm not going to change, my health situation is very much unlikely to change, the chances of me ever getting pregnant on my own are not going to change...so the one thing that can change is my attitude. I've made a decision that I will go about my life like anyone else and that Jeff and I can plan on children just like anyone else and eventually when the time is right and things align for that goal then it will happen. Being "normal" is all about the perspective and attitude you have of it.

Also I was watching "Practical Magic" today (one of my favorite movies) and I've seen it over a dozen times but today this line really popped out at me: one character states all she wants is a normal life and the other woman says... "My darling girl when are you going to understand that being normal is not necessarily a virtue...it rather denotes a lack of courage." And it's so true...it doesn't take courage to go about things the normal route. It takes a courageous person or in our case a courageous couple to take on a different route and courage to realize that even though it's not how you always thought it would be...that in the end it still will be and it will happen someday for us too :)