Two weeks...

Well we are now two weeks away from our expected 5-day transfer date. I was planning out a little surprise for Jeff (more on that later) and realized as I looked at my school, work and IVF calendars (haha yah they're fun to juggle) that it was coming down to the wire.

Anyway it is so close and I think we're both excited and nervous. We don't talk about it much. We talk about remembering our pills and future appointments but not the actual possibility. I for one am perfectly okay with this as the less I talk or worry about the positive or negative (literally) the less I feel freaked out. I am generally excited and have good feelings about it. But I also know that nothing is a sure thing. I am not excited to start PIO injections next week and Jeff is not either. He is so sweet and concerned about them and hurting me. I think it will be okay although it definitely won't be the most pleasant thing I've done. I'm going to submit a refill with Medco on my prescriptions as I'm worried about them delaying or being late and if things go well we'll need them immediately...so hopefully it's not a waste of money.

I used to think I would compare this to waiting for Christmas. And some days I do a little...it could be a really awesome gift at the end. But most days it's more of a feeling that I'm waiting to take a big test and maybe if I study hard enough and focus enough (eat well, take my pills and live healthy as possible) that maybe we'll pass the test at the end. I hope so.

I wonder if I'll feel normal...

Tomorrow I boost up my estrogen dose. I've told Jeff that I wonder how I will feel. It will be interesting to see if I feel any different. I haven't had "high" estrogen levels (that I know of) in over two years. I say that I know of because there have been times where my body does things that it shouldn't and it makes me wonder if it's working a little. I'll take extra estrogen for a week and then on the 19th we go for a lining check and instruction on PIO injections. I've told myself that with all the minor spotting I have had the last couple months that I may ask Dr. G to check on my ovaries just so I know they are still raisins so I won't worry about it. I've heard from other POF/POI girls that the extra estrogen is great and makes you feel good so I'm hoping it will.

Things definitely don't seem real still. We were thinking of things we could do or get for the donor and I came to the idea that a gift card for a massage would be cool. Then when we asked Nurse G about it we found out the donor is doing one more cycle after ours and then will be moving out of state. It was weird and kind of disappointing to hear. It makes me just really hope everything works as perfectly as possible with this. Like I don't really like the idea of using more then one donor cause I would like any possible kids to at least have the same DNA even if it's not mine. But Nurse G did say that they will still have contact information for the donor if any problems were to come up so who knows.

I also went and visited with my best bud from high school who recently had her second set of twins from IVF. She and her hubby have had a rough go of things and it is so nice to see her with her family and appreciation of it. She is the only person I know in person who seems to understand it at all (maybe not the donor part which is a whole different level) but everything else and beyond (they lost their baby boy from their first set of twins). It is such a blessing to have her to talk to and relate with. She is the only one in our personal lives outside of Jeff and I that knows the timing of things with this cycle. It was fun to see her and her boys and daughter. Although hearing stories of and watching her take care of the twins made me a little more leery of the idea of twins. Either way would be a blessing but after today I found myself just hoping for just one. I really just hope it works. I feel like I have shut myself off still at this point to the idea of either outcome, almost like I am just make believing we're doing things but that it's not real. I hope when reality hits that it's a nice place to be.

Hope is a choice...

I have been staving off the reaction to be scared for a while. I have been putting things to the back of my mind and not worrying about the outcome. I've been telling myself that the outcome doesn't matter. But now as I feel like we're actually going somewhere and things in the next few weeks will determine the outcome...I'm scared. As I was sitting this morning preparing and organizing my pills I just had this feeling of fear. Fear that this (possibly) one time chance wouldn't work. That something might go wrong or that my body might act up at an inopportune time. I felt worried to the point that I was teary eyed. It's possible that we may never see two lines on a pregnancy test or I may never know what it's like to carry a child and give birth. It's possible for everyone to not have this happen but I just feel especially vulnerable in our current circumstance. I hope it does happen. It seems like sometimes hope is the only thing we have control over. I sent an article to my friend with POI about hope and one of my favorite quotes is this:

"Hope is not based on the ability to fabricate a better future; it is grounded in the ability to remember with new understanding an equally difficult past...Hope is not some kind of delusional optimism to be resorted to because we simply cannot face the hard facts that threaten to swamp our hearts...hope remains, nevertheless, a choice."

Spring, Easter and Eggs

I can say we are officially on our way and would actually officially say this is the beginning of the cycle. I stopped my last provera yesterday and started AF today. I emailed Nurse G and she said that the donor will have her last pill on Saturday and first u/s screen next week and then we'll know more. I hope that this is a good thing. I hope that spring and easter season (a time for new beginning and new life) will bring us luck in this new adventure we're taking (or trying to take). And as someone said on a forum I follow it doesn't hurt that easter is also associated with eggs. Hope we have a lot to work with at the end of April. Until then I am kind of glad that I have school, homework and upcoming finals to focus on so I don't worry as much with this.

Crossing the line?

I have been thinking about the upcoming cycle more lately. It's basically a month from now that they will have egg retrieval and a month and a half from now I could be pregnant. Oh heavens I hope I am. I think more of the positive side of things and how good the chances are for someone with POI to get pregnant with donor eggs (usually the lack of eggs is the only thing holding them back). But I also stay realistic and realize it may not work. This morning I got ultra-hopeful though and actually looked up a hypothetical due date (if things were to go perfectly). It would be mid-January for a singleton and end of December if twins. I kind of hope to at least get into January if twins happen...I was hoping to avoid a Christmas baby. Man I hope I'm not crossing the line or jinxing us by thinking that far ahead...I'm sure it is a little crazy. I guess if it doesn't work this will be one of the first posts I will just delete. I don't think I'd want to be reminded of my craziness or the hypothetical that isn't needed.

I also have days with strange thoughts where I will just think of Jeff and I being child-free the rest of our lives. Or that maybe I will start doing foster care or shelter care. I always admired the families that did that when I worked for DCFS. I still don't know how I feel about adoption. I think I'm just so engrossed in the middle of this that I don't think on it. I would love to have kids but it doesn't terrify me to think of my life with Jeff and not having kids. I very much want to have a family with Jeff but if it doesn't happen I know we will find a new focus and outlook. Travel, photography, service or life as a hermit/recluse (HAHA only kidding). I really just hope we can get what we have worked towards though.

Sinking in...

First off...let me amend the insurance comment and post by saying...eh you're okay sometimes I guess. Medco finally came through on the prescriptions and I received the first of my medication (4 bottles of PIO (progesterone in oil), a bottle of estradiol and 20 syringes). Nurse G was saying that the PIO was $37 per vial through their preferred pharmacy and I just got 4 vials for $30, free syringes (YEAH! something for free) and relatively cheap estradiol...so that was a nice little perk. Plus they are on refill now so I will be able to have more sent without the hassle (I hope). Seeing the syringes for the first time in person kind of made me a little bit nauseous. I'm not afraid of needles but the idea of an intramuscular shot isn't so pleasant. Hopefully that won't be too bad though.

I also went to my credit union and withdrew the majority of funds we have in there. It made a nice pretty check that I will be giving to Jeff to deposit in our other account so we can pay it easier to the credit card. When you're dropping this kind of cash it's nice to even get a 2% reward back right? That coupled with receiving the meds in the mail is really making it sink in for me. I am excited but gosh am I nervous too. And I am a nervous puker (TMI I know)...so I can just tell now that before this all comes down that something else will be coming up too.

How to Deal...

Lately I wonder about two things: how I will deal with it if my close friend gets pregnant before me (and especially if I don't) and how I will deal with it if I get pregnant before her. This is my friend who is dealing with PCOS. I know, basically by matter of she told me a while back, that she would stop the birth control pills at the end of January. So I'm sure at this point they are trying again. I have no idea if the new medication she's taking is helping. I don't have the guts or heart to ask her. I don't want to be nosey either...heaven knows having seen this side of things "when are you going to have kids?" is the last question I want to ask. But I worry about this a little. I think I would take her announcing a pregnancy okay if it were before our chance comes but I think I would be devastated inside if things didn't work and I knew it would be a while before we had another chance. I hope I could outwardly be excited and happy for her but I know it would be very hard. I also think about the possible scenario of me getting pregnant before her. I wonder if she would be happy for us or if she would be upset because of her struggle so far...despite Jeff and I being on this road longer. I wouldn't blame her for being upset and when I think of the possible positive for us I also think of how I would tell her. It's ridiculous but sometimes I worry that she would openly say something about the unfairness or such...I don't know how I could handle being her friend if she couldn't be happy for me eventually. Oh well...it's a ways off yet and there's no sense in worrying over milk that hasn't even spilt.

How I loathe thee health insurance...

Oh how I loathe thee health insurance. Let me count the ways. How about the fact that you cover nothing. You obviously don't cover IVF or donor IVF...we knew that when we signed up for you. But you also don't cover blood work (which we were told by the RE and were hopeful you would). You don't cover anything to get me pregnant...only things to find out why I'm not getting pregnant. Got a message for you. I already know why I'm not getting pregnant dumb ass so how about you give me a break on some of the compensation for saving you that little detail! Oh and now you want to fight with me and the RE's office over whether to cover my medication or not...when you already said it would be covered! Are you kidding me? What do we have to do to actually get anything back for paying our premiums. We doubt you'll pay anything on Jeff's sperm testing but we're sending it in anyway...even if it's just to prove to the IRS that we tried. The only hopeful ray of sunshine I have with you right now is that you might cover maternity care if by some miracle with the help of science I actually get pregnant. I hope I do...both so we can have a family and so I can screw you over somehow with something you actually have to pay out on!

How do our minds look in there?

You know what makes a couple nervous during this process? It's not the physicals or blood tests or exams. It's meeting with the psychologist. The one you think will "probe deep into your mind" as Jeff said and bring something up you aren't prepared for or haven't thought of. But things were actually pretty nice. Dr. C was a nice woman and although Jeff and I were both nervous to meet with her we felt good about it. She talked with us about how we'd come to pursue donor egg invitro and the positives and negatives of the possibilities. We talked about our plans if it were to work (disclosure, risk of twins, etc) and our plans if it were to not (ways we cope with stress, getting a dog or going on a vacation). There was only one question about privacy and how to talk about privacy with child that we hadn't thought about. Everything was just smooth. Even Dr C commented on how easily things had gone and I think so much of that is because of the time we've had to think it through and prepare to be at this point.

It was interesting and although there were some questions that brought out emotion I didn't cry which surprised me. We had a couple laughs over our dating story (China Night being a "trashy Chinese restaurant") and what our reaction might be over twins. It was somewhat surreal to talk more candidly about the genetic side but at the same time realizing I wasn't emotional over the loss anymore (at least not then) felt really good. It was weird to realize that this might actually work. It has a good chance of working. Yeah!! It got me more excited and nervous too. I can't express how much we hope this works. Once again I'm glad we've had time on our side. Time to work through things and to put things in place the way that we hoped. Just so excited for April. It's coming up so quickly.

Success rates and dogs

I have been keeping tabs on the SART website for recent success rates of ART. They usually post the previous recordable year around this time of year (2008; due to awaiting "results" of pregnancies from treatment). So I was hoping to see a steady number and pattern develop with UCRM. Instead the rate of success dropped. They went from 76% in 2007 to 56% in 2008 (for donor egg IVF). So on one hand it is a 20% drop and on the other it is still 10% higher chance than regular IVF. But it kind of spooked me on the idea for a few days. I felt like we had an almost equal chance of bringing home a dog then we did a baby. In honor of that here are the top 3 dogs we consider getting if it doesn't work (keeping myself balanced here):

1. Doberman Pincer (dominant but loyal dog...but usually better to train from a puppy age to be a family dog)

2. Weimaraner (loyal, affectionate, eager to please and beautiful eyes...Jeff thinks they look too human)

3. Beagle (medium size, cute, even tempered...Jeff says they are on the bottom of the list for smart dogs and I say at least that way Thor can outsmart it)

**although on a positive note I did some narrowing down based on diagnosis. POI/Diminished Ovarian Reserve seems to have a slightly higher success rate (64% for 2008) and overall highs of 87% in 2007 and averaging around 66% when you take out the really high in 2007 and really low in 2004 (2nd year recorded...none the 1st year). So we're still hoping with Jeff's stellar sperm and my "perfect" parts sans my ovaries that we might get lucky very soon. Two months and counting...Eeegads that is soon! Please God let it be.

Gratitude and fateful feelings...

Things are still plugging along and forward. We have been finalizing our math on the finances and I've been working on things with UCRM in regards to my medication and insurance coverage. Can you believe it...insurance actually covers some of my progesterone in oil shots (PIO) and covers 100% of the syringes/needles...at least from what I can tell. YEAH! They finally step up a little. And the estradiol that I will be taking is what I'm already on and I can get the generic of that from Target for cheap too. So my med costs are not so much a worry for me anymore at this point although I know the donor meds will still be a pretty penny.

Jeff received his bonus from work. Boy that was a downfall and not expected. His area of the bank had been doing better this year then last and last year they had said the bonus was "small" so this year we were expecting at least the same size bonus or even more. It was more like 1/4 or less of last year's bonus. Ughh :P I stressed out and began worrying about the money again and thinking of how now something would need to go on the credit card. I drove home from work and was teary and frustrated. Jeff came home just after I did and I was done being emotional as I didn't want to pass on stress or have him feel bad. We had received some Valentine cards from our parents and my parents had sent two cards. I had a feeling they had sent us some more money to add to the "baby fund" and I opened the cards. I read the card and turned over the check and the first words out of my mouth was "holy sh**". They had sent us quite a bit of money...more then I would've ever expected. But it was nearly exactly the amount we needed.  Jeff and I both were very surprised and we didn't really want to take it.  But I felt like this was someone watching out for us and however it worked knowing that we were a little short on funds now and providing. Parents have great intuition, maybe a little bit of a higher power or maybe a little fate. All I can say is we both felt gratitude beyond words.

I have felt a little more guilty about not sharing our timeline with our parents. We have not said anything to anyone (with the exception of me talking to my friend that has gone through IVF a number of times). Jeff's parents haven't asked about our plans for a family or had any inkling of things. My parents have only asked vaguely if we planned to do anything this year and I told them we weren't really sure. I feel bad for not sharing with them and some days I want so badly to tell them. But most days I feel better about keeping things close to the vest with Jeff and I. I don't want anyone worrying or waiting but us. Most of all...I would love to surprise them all. I know or at least really hope that no one has hurt feelings over this.

We made it!

We have been adding up savings and other investments for over a year. Goodness we would have gotten here so much quicker if I would have stayed at DCFS but oh how I am grateful everyday (or at least every time I think about it) that I'm not working there. But we got our tax returns back and into savings yesterday. It puts us where we need to be. We now have a little over $13,000 in savings, plus money in my 401Ks, (hopefully Jeff's bonus) and then some money in stock. We are officially there. It feels good to be there finally. Plus it's a good thing we are because our DE IVF payment ($17, 100) is due at the end of March. Wow! It seems surreal. We finally get to go through with this. Hopefully (beyond hopefully) it will work. Both Jeff and I have hopes and belief that it will but we also keep each other grounded too. We have said that if it doesn't work that we will get another dog. So our way of reminding ourselves and each other is to also talk about what kind of dog we would get or that we may have a new dog this summer instead of a positive pregnancy test. We're hopeful though.

Vitamins and Hope

So I bought some prenatal vitamins at the store yesterday. Does this mean I'm allowing myself to be hopeful? UCRM didn't officially say anything about taking prenatals prior to a cycle (at least not yet) but I figure it can't hurt. I compared them to my daily vitamins (the ones I try to take but mostly fail to...they're expired now). There is some variation between the two but mostly the same. I figure I can start taking prenatals in February since I've read that you should start taking them before you try to get pregnant (maybe that's just a marketing ploy but who cares). Let's face it. I am hopeful. I feel like I'm getting my hopes up and I really really hope they aren't brought back down. I do still remind myself every time I think of being pregnant that it might not work. But my gut still keeps saying "oh come on Michelle...70-75% chance of it working and hopefully even better odds since you have no uterine/cervical problems". Please just let this work...please don't make me go back to the way I felt right after I was diagnosed. Hopeless, rejected and depressed. I didn't like that and I'd prefer to remain hopeful until told otherwise.

Shy but perfect...my cervix not me

I'm not allowed to be shy anymore. After all we just finished our IVF consult and I got to flash three people. Yeah! They say that when you are pregnant and have continual exams and such that by the time you have the child you don't care who sees your "stuff". Well I think I'm already to that point and I've never even been pregnant.

Our IVF consult was yesterday. They did an U/S of my uterus again and also a trial transfer. Jeff and I were alone waiting in the exam room for 10-15 minutes and started joking around. We have definitely seen some interesting twists to our sense of humors with all of this infertility stuff. We were joking about my bladder being full during the last U/S and also about the resident who was at the exam. I was saying how I hoped it was only Dr. G this time. About the time I said that the knock at the door revealed Dr. G, a female resident and a nurse. Wahoo...isn't three a crowd?? So they did the u/s to look at my uterus. Once again Dr. G says "a beautiful uterus" and "most perfect uterus I've seen in a while". Hear that future (hopeful) kid(s)...I'm giving ya a perfect place so kick up your feet and stay a while.

Dr. G then prepared for the trial transfer and had a little trouble getting my cervix centered and joked "you have a shy cervix" and I felt like saying well you've got three people down there looking at it I'd be shy too but I decided against it. Dr. G then said I also had a perfect cervix too. The resident joked with me about being doubly perfect and we laughed a little. The trial transfer was not bad at all which I found comforting since I've read some women have a horrible time with it. And supposedly the real transfer will be easier so that's good.

We also met with Nurse G again. She had our cycle calendar for us. Wow! That really put things into perspective for me. She talked about the meds I would be taking and the things that Jeff would need to do. She talked to us about the retrieval dates and transfer dates. Goodness it seems surreal that we really will be doing this and having this chance. She praised the donor and asked at the end if we were excited. We were but it was weird to have it all out there in front of us. After two years of working toward this it seems so...unbelievable. I can't express how excited and nervous I am for this and how much I hope that it works. I can picture it working and I'm very hopeful but I also have to remind myself to stay grounded in case things don't go so well.

We have a winner...

We received the first donor profile in the mail. I really liked her and Jeff liked her but felt like we should see a couple more before we decided anything. So we asked Nurse G to send us a couple more that were a little more close to me (us) appearance wise since that was our small hang up. Donor #1 had hazel eyes and brown hair and her family all had brown eyes except for one blue eyed grandparent. We received two more profiles about a week ago. One was a new donor (#3) and one had donated before (#2). The new donor was not ideal in my eyes right away...as she had no previous pregnancies or cycles and also some autoimmune health history and a family member with drug/alcohol addiction. Donor #2 was a closer match to me in looks but Jeff and I both felt more comfortable with the first one still. So we have a winner with donor #1...I hope we really have a winner when it comes down to it.

I feel really good about donor #1 though. She has a good health history, good grades and previous success (at least on her own) and cycles (though we're not allowed to know if previous ones resulted in pregnancy). She also majored in the same degree that I did in school and she has a lot of the same interests I do too (crafts, decorating and photography). I feel like those things are more important to me then the looks or grades (although it doesn't hurt that those are great too). It's silly but I almost feel like we are being led to her as a match...like confirming this is a good one. I also feel like I can picture talking to our child about how we chose this donor and feeling closer to her because of these commonalities. And have some hope that maybe this child will also have some common ground with me like that.

Anyway we confirmed things with Nurse G to hopefully use this donor. Nurse G was happy about her and really has positive things to say about this girl (both personality/interaction and actual cycle wise). We're hoping to plan a cycle for the end of April so I would be in between semesters with school. Gosh I get so nervous and excited to think about it. It's hard to not tell people about it but at the same time I really want to keep it private. I know people are already rooting for us even if they don't know the exact time frame it might happen.

I am a list...

I have been categorized, prioritized and minimized down to a list. I have become a set number of characteristics and traits...a list. Me. Right down there on that paper (or word file since we used the computer). After all Jeff and I had to narrow me down to a list of characteristics and personality traits and hopes. Hopes for someone else to be even somewhat like me so that it can feel like I have some connection beyond an umbilical cord to this possible baby. It was kind of depressing. It was kind of hopeful. It was really strange. Strange to see myself in a matter of items and qualities that embodied me and what I would have liked to pass onto a child if I had been given the opportunity. Was it more important to pass on hopeful eye color and appearance or to pass on hopeful personality traits or a chance at being intelligent or healthy. It really makes you think when you realize that you are choosing those possibilities and ranking them in an order. We never really considered it as an idealized baby or "designer baby". We wanted things that I possessed or was like to be on the list. I found myself thinking it was good to have a donor who resembled us both (fair skin, light eyes, brownish blonde hair) so that maybe between Jeff and the donor it would look like Jeff and I. But then as Jeff suggested something of his personality traits or interests, I found myself saying he already had his input on those via his sperm whereas I did not. I realized again it wasn't me that would be contributing 1/2 of the DNA. Although it was kind of sad to look at the list of "me" it was also encouraging to know that this was a step in the right direction.

We emailed the list to Nurse G, our DE coordinator with UCRM, and the next day she had sent us an email back saying that she was reviewing donor profiles and felt she had a good match for us. She explained the donor had donated twice before and had produced 22 eggs the first time and 19 the second time. They sent her profile to us in the mail and we're supposed to go over it and let her know what we think. Yah and I thought things were moving fast before.

Finally Rolling...

The ball seems to finally be rolling. The DE coordinator from UCRM contacted us just before Christmas to see where we were at and what our plan was for the new year and cycling there. I was planning to contact her first part of January so it was nice to see her taking action and concern. We were planning to cycle in April and start running tests in January to prepare for that. I told her that and she came back with an email of some "first things first" and things we needed to get doing soon. The first thing is Jeff needs to go do the hamster penetration assay / sperm analysis. We have joked about this since our IVF consult in June/July. They analyse his sperm, including a penetration test with a hamster egg. In theory to test whether his fellas could fertilize the egg when the real thing goes down. So we have to do that this month and then schedule other appointments in February. It was exciting to actually see some pressure to get things done and feel like we were on a time schedule. It was weird to finally be here where it was only months away from now.

For the first time we were scheduling things around it (or trying to). We had decided to keep things quiet and to ourselves until we get results (maybe even a little longer if they are positive results...to be sure it sticks). This meant no telling or talking to parents, family or friends about it. Well our good friends Lisa and James wanted to get some people together and go 4-wheeling and stay at a cabin this spring. Guess when they wanted to go. In April. It was only a weekend trip but we didn't want to be stressed out or doing injections at the time. So without telling them why we tried to suggest the trip be at the beginning of April (blaming it on my school). They wanted to go further out so it wasn't snowy or muddy at the cabin/resort place. Blah! So then we tried middle of April (finals week for school). So then we shifted our plan to do this weekend trip and also the cycle to late April...which by then I was okay with because I didn't realize finals were so soon and would rather do the cycle between semesters. I guess this is the nice thing about donor cycles. The donor will be doing most of the injections and the synchronized stuff during April while I'm stressing over finals and going on weekend outings. I'm okay with giving her that.

I just almost can't believe it's getting within range now. They gave us a tentative transfer date of May 5th. At first I thought "okay that's 5 months away" and then I realized it was actually 4 months away. Then I thought of how that's the transfer date and the cycle will actually start sometime probably early April. So yah, wow 3 months or so from now we will be starting a cycle.