The Ins and Outs

37 weeks and 5 days old.  They have been out in the world for as long as they were in now.  It is crazy to believe that the same time that we have been enjoying them is the same amount of time the pregnancy lasted.  The time with them here seems to be so much shorter (and longer some days but mostly shorter).  I'm so grateful that they are here and were brought here safely by such good doctors and care.

We look forward to each milestone and enjoy each day with them.  People always ask how it is with twins and honestly the first couple months or so were rough and I questioned our sanity a little at thinking we could handle it (and putting back two embryos when our doctor recommended only one).  But once we started getting some sleep again things couldn't be better.  It is such a fun experience to watch them grow and develop together.  To see them interact more and more everyday.  I look forward to that for the future and I hope that they are good friends with each other as well as sisters.

I can't believe that it is only a few months from now that they will be a year old.  I have been a little nutty with that and actually have been planning for a little 1 year old celebration (I'm sure many moms do this).  I have ideas for cakes/cupcakes, colors, decor, presents and a video in the process of making.  Sometimes I think I am trying to juggle too many balls with the various projects I have in my head.  But I suppose as long as the projects still make me happy instead of stressed then it is all good.

So in love with our little girls and so excited for the future with them.

Another change

This will be short. We are loving our vacation with my parents and the girls have been so wonderful and lovey with them also. Kendall started army crawling while we were here and Seren has been chatting up everyone she meets. Anyway I was still wanting to change the feel and look of this blog and during our travel to get here I had an idea for a new blog name and URL. I once read a blog of a parent of twins that said when people say "you've got your hands full" they answered with "better full than empty" and I really liked this and tried to use it a couple times. Then another phrase occurred to me to answer with "yes...and hearts to match". So there you have it. The reason and story behind the change. New design and look to follow (I hope).

And then there were three... (aka Am I Crazy?)

No this isn't a post about any plans to add to our family right now.  Our frosties are still chilling and will continue to do so for another year or two until we decide what to do with them.

This is more of I'm contemplating watching my friend's little girl, L, (5 months old) a couple days a week for a couple of hours.  I kind of already told her I would give it a try.  I'm nervous at the idea.  A 5 month old and two 7 month old babies for even a couple hours a day may be enough to make me a little crazy.  But they are still working out the details as to if this is doable by her sister-in-law (who watches L for the first part of the day).  I agreed to try it for a couple of weeks to see how it goes and then if it doesn't go well to give them another couple of weeks to figure something else out (so trying it for a month).

Am I insane?  I feel a little bit crazy.  But then I think I've learned to juggle two pretty easily so what is the harm in adding one more on for like 4 hours a week.  We'll see if my easy going attitude sticks once it actually moves forward.  I'm also a little bothered at the aspect of doing this in a "free of charge" kind of way.  There wasn't really a mention of paying me.  I figured once they solidified the plan that they would offer at least.  We were all out together the night she asked me.  My DH brought up something nicely about compensation and it was basically a "we'll watch your kids whenever you need it" deal.  Hmmmmm...I don't know.  How often do I actually see us asking them to watch the girls? (they are usually the ones we would be going out with).  I know her family (sister-in-law and mother) watch L for free but is it right to expect the same out of a friend?? (no matter how good of a friend it is).  Especially a friend who definitely already has her hands full.  And then there is the possibility that we are going to be strapped for money for a while.  So we might really be able to use a little cash flow (even a very small amount) in anyway we can get it.

Would you do this for a good friend for free?  Would you expect some form of payment?  If so, how much and how would you tactfully bring this up?  Is it even manageable for one person to take on 3 babies this close in age?  I don't want any of them to suffer because my care is stretched too thin.  I'm not talking like drastic suffering as I wouldn't dream of that but just lack or less of attention for L and then less attention for my girls who already share me.  Blah!  Why can't I just have a clone of me?

Tourists and Twins

I just have to put this story down somewhere before I forget....like I have with so many other memories I'm sure.   We went to the Kennecott Copper Mine on Wednesday with the girls and Jeff's sister and her 4 kids.  It was apparently a tourist hot spot for those little buses with cute Asian tourists.  We got a few different looks and some "oh twins how cute" and such.  Jeff's sister joked that people probably thought we were polygamists (1 male, 2 females and 6 kids) since her husband was working and couldn't be there.  It was funny.  Then a small group of (I believe) Japanese tourists approached Jeff and I with the girls and were smiling and commenting on them.  Then one asks to take a picture and I was caught off guard plus what's the harm really so I agreed.  They took a picture of the girls and then took a picture with themselves next to the girls.  Very odd to say the least.  Jeff and I just laughed about it.  My sister, who taught English in Japan, always told me that Japanese people love babies and children but I had no idea they were that popular.

Thoughts on IVF and ART (resources)...

In regards to disclosure:
I have definitely discovered in talking more about infertility in my real life that there are many people I know who have some infertility issues themselves.  I don't discuss the donor side of things due to my personal thoughts on that related to the girls but I make it no secret that IVF was a part of them getting here.  Heck even when strangers ask me "were they a surprise?" or "what side of the family do twins run on?" I tell them "nope they weren't.  We had some help" and if it goes further (it usually doesn't) I tell them it was IVF. 

This happened over the past weekend.  I went to a baby shower with my good friend L and the twins stayed home with Jeff.  L likes to bring up to people that I have twins when they aren't in tow.  I guess so I don't feel child-less or something when others bring their babies or talk baby.  It doesn't bother me (her mentioning it).  Anyway this shower was primarily people I didn't know with the exception of L and the mom-to-be.  L brought up the twins and one of the older ladies said something like "I bet that was surprise".  I said that it wasn't and that we had some help to which she gave a somewhat blank look so I added it was through in-vitro (ie IVF).  Nothing more was really said other than how much work and how much fun it must be. Afterward L said she really was surprised and kind of thought I put myself out there for discussion (not that this was bad thing just I think she is a little protective in her eyes).  She said that these people were so wrapped up in themselves though that nobody really cared to ask more.  I didn't really think of it that way, although it could've been true.  Honestly IVF and ART are so common place these days that I don't think most people bat an eyelash when they are mentioned.  

IVF and ART in general: 

Although common I also believe IVF and ART methods are grossly misunderstood or uneducated on.  Unless you've been there you don't really know what goes into it.  But of course most people also know not to ask such personal questions beyond those above or similar ones.  

Sadly most people don't understand what assistance can be given prior to the "last resort" of IVF either.  A family member has gradually been asking me more and more about our path to children.  Nothing in depth really but more in regards to the possible success of it and the cost of it.  I had an idea he was considering this as an option for he and his wife.  He brought it up in that way the last time we talked and I asked if they had done any testing yet (it didn't sound like it) and suggested there were also other things to be done before IVF was considered generally.  It sounded like this actually surprised him.  Which surprised me.  I assumed that most people even considering IVF had pursued or at least were aware of other less expensive options first.  Of course I also assumed that when others pursued IVF that they were aware of national success rates of clinics being available and posted (I also discovered this assumption was incorrect when my best friend from high school told me their first clinic was one that doesn't report to the CDC or SART  (not sure why) but it was the only one they knew of; when my friend's first IVF attempt with this clinic failed they were told they had 0% chance of conceiving.  They have since gone on to get pregnant with twins twice and have 3 living children and 1 angel through IVF with ICSI ; bite it crappy clinic).  Seriously??  I just feel like the medical community or the basic educational system is doing a great disservice to infertile couples.  How can doctors diagnose a problem like infertility and then leave their patients to flounder in a diagnosis they don't know how to deal with or which routes are available to them.  Why are the resources and information not given to people dealing with this?  

When I was officially diagnosed with POF/POI by my ob/gyn I had only been married for a little over a month.  But my doctor (bless her) suggested clinics in the area that could help us if we did decide to pursue things.  She recommended one based on her own experience.  So thank goodness I went to someone who had an idea of what it was like to go through infertility and what resources I might need.  I had to research and find a POF/POI support group and here, a PVED support group (I hope it's still at this address...I know there have been some changes) and SART and clinic success rate sites myself but at least I was given a stepping stone for hope.  It just infuriates me that some are not and don't know what is available, both for treatment of infertility and treatment of health and mental health problems that infertility can cause. 

Goodness that turned into a tangent....ooooops (kind of).  Anyway the point I am getting at is that IVF and ART are not things to be ashamed of in most circles and that when we keep being ashamed of them it just adds to that taboo (I was nervous and a little embarrassed to talk about them at first).  And that we need to empower ourselves, others and expect the medical community to empower us also when it comes to infertility.

Twin Mom Guilt...

We hung out with our good friends last night.  It was really nice and enjoyable.  I felt like I was finally able to talk to my good friend about the infertility stuff and not be downplayed or belittled.  But first off it started off with some twin questions.  She asked if I ever wondered if Seren would be less of a crier or panicky if she were able to be on her own schedule (ie not be a twin but an only child).  I didn't really take it offensive but at the same time was thinking, "why does it matter? that's not the scenario we have so why wonder?"  I honestly think Seren would be very similar to how she is whether she was a twin or not.  It's interesting to see that Kendall and Seren have basically met in the middle in my opinion.  Seren has actually mellowed out a lot (I think mostly because the colic stage has passed) and Kendall has become more demanding at times (probably because she sees it working for Seren).

Unlike some twin moms who learn by surprise we had a pretty good idea from the beginning.  We were given a 40% + chance of twins based on the donor's history and the appearance of our embryos.  And sometimes I do feel guilty for them being twins.  Guilty that I can't pay attention to them enough or give them enough one-on-one time.  I catch myself thinking "I'm sorry that I put you in this situation" when one or both of them is having a really hard day and I'm trying to juggle loving on both.  I used to feel more guilty about it (often crying because I felt inadequate for them) so things have gotten better.  I wonder if most moms of multiples feel this way.  Just inadequate and somewhat guilty that they can't do enough.  I suppose that's another reason it bothers me when my friend compares developmental milestones of our children...because I feel I've put them at a disadvantage.  But in reality I know they will develop just as normally (they have so far) as any single child and will actually be better off for learning to share, socialize and be more patient right from the beginning.  They are lucky to have each other and have a sister who is their same age.  I'm excited to see them grow up together and have that special relationship.

On the other plus side, like I was saying, I really felt like my friend and I somewhat connected on the infertility stuff for the first time.  It has been a looooong while since the topic has truly been broached.  We both got to talking about whether we would have another child.  They plan to and my DH is settled while I'm not 100% sure yet.  She asked what we would do if we had twins again and I told her I wouldn't open it to that possibility (explaining more of the DE IVF stuff and only putting back one embryo).  Then she asked about the donor and how we had gone about picking someone.  I always thought I would be offended a little by people asking about the donor (no one really has yet...not very many family or friends know) but I wasn't offended.  In fact I was almost excited to tell her about the way things had worked out and how I really felt good about things and making the right decision once our donor was selected.  It was just a good conversation and I was also able to reiterate my concern/request with privacy and not talking to anyone else about it, explaining that Kendall and Seren deserve to know and understand and later share that information how they see fit and it's not really my place or choice beyond what Jeff and I feel is necessary to keep them "safe" emotionally (if that makes sense).

I really feel like fate led us down this route and I am so lucky to have the kiddos that I do.  They are so special and I hope I live every day as their mom making sure that they know that.  Every child is special of course but I like to think children brought to parents with infertility struggles are just a little more then most.

The world of twins...

In case you've ever wondered...twins will get commented on every time you go out.  I wouldn't say I ever get sick of people adoring my kiddos...what's not to adore right?  But it does somewhat get old to hear and answer the same "twin" questions over and over.  A few memorable ones have been..."Oh you have twins" and someone in the same group as this person "are they the same age?"  (huh? yes...they are twins after all).  And then yesterday a little girl about 3 or 4 years old asked her mom, "why does she have two babies?"  Okay so some of the attention is fun and I'm sure that it will diminish as they get older.

Also it is a lot of fun to see them interact and see their personalities were/are different so early...even from week one.  Seren is still our social butterfly.  She loves people.  She will smile and "talk" to just about anyone.  Kendall on the other hand is slower to warm up.  She loves to smile at her dad and Grandma Draper and she warms up to me pretty easy now.  Can you imagine a baby who is/was slow to smile and giggle for mom?  It happened.  They also like to lay  by each other and smile, coo and reach out.  Kendall will grab at Seren and Seren will smile at it, until she finds her movement restrained by Kendall's grip.  I usually put them at arm's length so that accidental eye gouging or scratches don't occur.  Although now they often have wiggled closer when I've been out of the room for a few minutes.  They reach out for each other's hands and sometimes will (I'm sure not 100% purposefully) hold hands.  It really is such a treat to have twins and see this interaction everyday.  It's no wonder that twins are ahead of the curve for social interaction.

One Year Ago...

One year ago today we met Seren and Kendall for the first time.  They had their first picture taken.  One year ago today we were going into that transfer room with all of our fingers and toes crossed.  It seems like that day was so long ago.  At the time it seemed like that day was so long in the making.  We are so very lucky that it worked the first time.  I count my lucky stars that we didn't have to suffer a loss on top of the loss created by infertility.  We are so blessed to have these wonderful girls in our lives and so excited to continue to watch them grow.

Kendall and Seren at 5 days old (ie 5 day transfer)

So blessed...

I am so blessed.  Having twins has been a unique experience.  Both from the pregnancy and seeing them "play" on the ultrasounds together and into the daily life of raising them.  Kendall and Seren have started paying more and more attention to each other these days.  I will lay them next to each other and they will turn to look at each other and just coo and smile away.  Seren saves her best smiles and excitement for her sister I've decided.  But like this morning, it is also so fun to have two beautiful babies smiling back at me when we play.  How many people get to experience that really?  I'm so lucky and blessed.  I am excited to see all the unique experiences we will have with these two little angels.

Allowed frustration...

Sometimes after all the work and desire we put into getting the girls here I wonder if I am at all entitled (prob the wrong word) in having frustrations with them.  Today was a rough day for whatever reason.  We were stuck in all day with rain and then it began snowing and Jeff was home late from work.  I got cranky and tired and the girls were also cranky.  We weren't a good match for each other.  I generally find myself just frustrated with feeling unable to care for two kiddos at the same time.  But I will admit too I get frustrated with Seren's colic...it always seems to hit at bedtime and sometimes she can cry and scream for hours.  I feel so bad for her but it's difficult too.  It is also hard too during the day to be alone with them (thus the feelings of shortcomings with myself).  Especially if they both get to crying at the same time and it's not due to hungry tummies (the easy thing to fix).  I do love them so much though and wouldn't trade a million sleep filled nights for the time we will lose sleep with them.  I adore our daughters and I love to watch them grow and discover things around them (Kendall is obsessed with her feet lately and Seren is so cheerful and social when she isn't cranky with gas).

Anyway I think that being infertile and finally being granted your wishes doesn't mean you can't have off days too.  You rarely if ever hear or read of someone in our shoes complaining or saying it's tough.  But just because we fought to get here doesn't mean things are simple and easy now.  I just think that honesty should be put out there.  I hope I don't upset anyone who is still trying or in the midst of diagnosis or anything else.  Believe me I am grateful every day that we have such beautiful kids and each other together to raise them.  It is a huge blessing and my heart is so full of love for them.  It amazes me how much I can love them when there is no apparent ability for them to even love me back at this point.  I finally kind of understand how my mom would say I couldn't understand how much she loved me until I had kids of my own.  She was right.

Parenthood Top Ten...and "sleep parenting"

With all of the busy non-stop go world of twins (okay nap time is still allowing for some mommy time) I sometimes notice fun mom things I get to do these days:

1.  I pick my child's nose at the store and think nothing of it (she has a cold and she had to breathe).
2.  I talk to both my kiddos while grocery shopping like they actually have a clue what I'm saying.
3.  I talk to myself...apparently it helps keep my sanity.
4.  I don't notice #3 so much until I'm with Jeff's family and they point it out.
5.  I make up some pretty great kids songs on the fly...my favorite "I Like To Be Held By Mommy" (I'm thinking I should sign a record deal HAHA)
6.  My idea of being productive means I got a shower in today and if I'm lucky did some laundry too before they woke up.
7.  I reorganize the front room just to have some variety in life
8.  I have children's books but sometimes I read my own books out loud to the girls just so I can fit it in
9.  Jeff and I are so excited that for the last 4 nights the girls have slept for a four hour chunk...it's the most solid sleep we have had in over two months.

And best of all...

10.  Jeff and I have both had "sleep burpings", "sleep feeding" and general "sleep parenting".  This is where we have woken up in the middle of the night trying to feed, burp or tend to children that are sleeping in their cribs.   I have woken up to Jeff patting me and trying to burp me.  Then another night it was him sitting up turning around and trying to feed an invisible child.  In general when I "sleep parent" it is simply waking up and searching the bed cause I could swear we fell asleep with them in it (this has never actually happened).

The joys of parenting :)  Really it is all fun (okay most of it is fun) but totally life changing of course.

Not the Architect...

I had a thought today as I was hanging out with the girls and just loving on them and admiring them.  I was thinking about the article I posted last time and how it says that the egg and sperm are what make the "blueprint" but the mother's body is what creates the child.  Well anyway I may not be the architect but I think I make one hell of a contractor and builder. 

 Aren't they the cutest?

 I've been trying to get a picture of them holding hands and this is the closest we came :) haha

Family of Four...

We are enjoying our little family of four.  It is interesting and definitely a world of difference when we are home at night.  We don't get out much I'm afraid.  Hopefully when the weather warms up more that will change.  I am so looking forward to spring and summer.  It's a nice day today and I'm pondering taking the girls out with me but they are sleeping and I don't want to throw them in their car seats just to go for a walk right now.  I do love the new stroller we got though (baby trend double snap and go) is going to be a huge investment I think.  And $75 is actually not bad for the purpose it'll serve...plus I plan to turn around and sell it second-hand when we're done with it.  I've gotten a number of things online for the girls lately (books, booster/high chairs and a play mat/gym).  I'm excited to try out the chairs and the mat.

The girls are getting bigger.  They both have double chins now and chubby cheeks.  So cute.  I'm guessing they are around 7 lbs or so each.  They are following us more with their eyes now and like to grab fingers (and hair...ouch) with their hands when we hold them.  We are just waiting for a real purposeful social smile still...they smile sometimes where it doesn't seem to be related to gas but they haven't started smiling back at us just yet.

Waving The White Flag...

The girls were waving the white flag last night.  Well at least Seren was waving it in surrender.  She slept like a champ.  Holy cow was I a proud and happy momma to the little sleeper.  Jeff said he didn't have as much luck with Kendall upstairs...apparently she was fussy after the 3 am feeding but did well up until that point.  So we actually got some decent sleep last night (I think...we'll see how Jeff is after work today).  Seren slept for 2 1/2 hours or so at a time before she would stir and get fussy to eat again.  Then I would feed her a bottle and she would be sleepy again and fall right back to sleep on her own.  No crying or screaming when I put her down.  It was heaven.  Hopefully this is a sign of things to come.

Preparing for Battle

This is what it feels like every night as we prepare for bed.  There is a specific routine we follow (there pretty much is for everything with twins I've decided).  Anyway we gather 3 sets of bottles (12 am feeding, 3 am feeding and 6 am feeding) in two colors (one color is assigned to each girl) and our formula and put them up in the bathroom on the top shelf.  We generally finish our nights with a 9 pm feeding and then try to get the girls in bed or down around 10 pm.  If we are at all lucky (which we generally aren't) we get an hour and a half of sack time before the girls fuss and wake up to eat again.  Most likely Seren is crying and won't go down so we don't sleep until after the 12 am feeding and then it's 2 hours max sleep before they are up again to eat.  The girls used to sleep together (based on recommendations and such that twins do well in the same crib).  They don't...do well sleeping that is...not our girls anyway.  So now Kendall is in the crib and Seren is in the pack 'n play bassinette by our bed.  We fight with Seren most every night (thus it feels like preparing for battle).  Love that little girl but man oh man can't wait til she sleeps better.

And thus it is 10 pm again now...we have a new battle plan in place tonight.  Divide and conquer.  We are attempting to split the girls up between our crib upstairs and one downstairs and also split ourselves up between our bedroom (downstairs) and spare bedroom (upstairs) and see how this works.  Wish us luck!

It Won't Be Like This For Long...

The girls are two weeks old now. Two weeks of loving them, feeding them, diapering them and loosing sleep. Oh sleep how we miss you :) hehe You have to laugh or you might cry from exhaustion. I just hope that Jeff is surviving. I try to take care of them at night the best I can with juggling but there are many times when I can't and Jeff is always good to get them from the crib, feed them or cuddle with them despite the fact he is exhausted. I hope we can get their schedules more on track with his.

Anyway during the hard times I think of how soon enough they will be bigger and sleep longer and then things will be a little easier. Then I think of the country song about this and how quickly they will grow and how much you'll miss it when it's gone. So I definitely try to enjoy the little moments and adorable babies that we have now and try not to mentally trade them in for babies that will sleep through the night. It always makes me teary eyed to think of them growing up so fast and getting bigger. Especially knowing this may be our only time with little newborn babies. But I'm so grateful that things worked for us and for Kendall and Seren to be here. I know they were meant to be a part of our family and I can't wait (okay yes I can) to watch them grow.

Bombing at Breastfeeding (kind of)

I have to say one of my biggest frustrations so far is breastfeeding. I have a hard time doing it. I think I would love it if I had one baby. But juggling two into the mix has been hard. Kendall doesn't nurse well enough to attempt same-time feedings and quite frankly I haven't tried to get them both latched on at the same time. I would be better about pumping too...I don't mind that. I was breast feeding Seren (my baracuda) and pumping the other breast while Kendall was having issues with latching, jaundice and weight gain and the pediatrician we saw said to give her formula just to get her weight back. The lactation consultants called to check in and said to always offer it to Kendall though and she'd get better at it (the beginnings of many opinions and never being able to do the right thing according to everyone). She did but I've also slacked off and lost ground again I believe. I have the hardest time nursing at night. I do it with Seren sometimes when she is fussy but Kendall is difficult to nurse when she is sleepy at all. I also fall into the trap of formula keeping them more full longer and feeling sleep deprived and frustrated. It doesn't help that the pump that I bought used (maybe should have known better doesn't appear to pump well with two at once...one side works great with suction and one is weak...so I typically only use one side). I suppose I should start pumping during the feeding of both girls whether Kendall takes breast or bottle.

Really all I can say is that I admire moms that can breastfeed twins. I am not giving up. I believe it will get easier. I have a lot of help from my parents right now which is really nice to keep one girl busy or comforted while I work with the other. Hoping I can find my groove even more so though when they return home.

Our secret....

or secrets as it may be :) We have been in the process of a DE IVF procedure for the past few months. I have been blogging about it privately but haven't published anything as we wanted to feel more secure before telling anyone. My parents follow this blog and that was another reason we wanted to play it close because we wanted to surprise our parents if it were to end well.

We went in for the viability ultrasound today and found that we will be having twins. They are both measuring on target and we were also able to hear the heart beats. That was amazing as I didn't know you were able to hear them (I thought you could just see them on the screen) so early on but it didn't seem real at the same time. After we heard the first heart beat I asked "So that was the baby's heart beat?" and Dr H just laughed a little and said "Yes didn't you hear it?" and I laughed and said "Yes I just didn't know you could hear them so soon." Anyway we are very excited but it is still sinking in.

*our little woogits in the making...about the size of a chocolate sprinkle*

We called my parents after the appointment and then had to have them call us back as they were driving separately to pick up my brother and his family at the airport. They called us back when they were together and I told them we were going to be having a baby and they got all excited and then I went on to say we're actually having two babies/twins and then they were more excited. It was fun to surprise them. Next we drove to Jeff's parents' home. We sat in their living room and Jeff told them we were having a baby and by baby he meant babies/twins. They were also very excited and said they had been thinking of us in this regard recently. We asked both parents to keep this quiet until we were more prepared to share with others. We are all excited and it was fun to share the news with them.

Unfortunately today I also found out that my ob/gyn who diagnosed my POI will be moving in August. I was disappointed in that. I was comfortable with the idea of her as she knows my medical history and I also know that she is supportive of the fertility treatment and had actually been through a little of her own. Now I am worrying a little about how I will find a different ob/gyn and if I will like them as well or feel as comfortable. I plan to still keep the first appointment and then ask her for some referrals. I'm sure it will be fine though.

**there will also be newly published posts with "cycle" tag going back to January 2010 if you want to read the goings on leading up to this**

I wonder if I'll feel normal...

Tomorrow I boost up my estrogen dose. I've told Jeff that I wonder how I will feel. It will be interesting to see if I feel any different. I haven't had "high" estrogen levels (that I know of) in over two years. I say that I know of because there have been times where my body does things that it shouldn't and it makes me wonder if it's working a little. I'll take extra estrogen for a week and then on the 19th we go for a lining check and instruction on PIO injections. I've told myself that with all the minor spotting I have had the last couple months that I may ask Dr. G to check on my ovaries just so I know they are still raisins so I won't worry about it. I've heard from other POF/POI girls that the extra estrogen is great and makes you feel good so I'm hoping it will.

Things definitely don't seem real still. We were thinking of things we could do or get for the donor and I came to the idea that a gift card for a massage would be cool. Then when we asked Nurse G about it we found out the donor is doing one more cycle after ours and then will be moving out of state. It was weird and kind of disappointing to hear. It makes me just really hope everything works as perfectly as possible with this. Like I don't really like the idea of using more then one donor cause I would like any possible kids to at least have the same DNA even if it's not mine. But Nurse G did say that they will still have contact information for the donor if any problems were to come up so who knows.

I also went and visited with my best bud from high school who recently had her second set of twins from IVF. She and her hubby have had a rough go of things and it is so nice to see her with her family and appreciation of it. She is the only person I know in person who seems to understand it at all (maybe not the donor part which is a whole different level) but everything else and beyond (they lost their baby boy from their first set of twins). It is such a blessing to have her to talk to and relate with. She is the only one in our personal lives outside of Jeff and I that knows the timing of things with this cycle. It was fun to see her and her boys and daughter. Although hearing stories of and watching her take care of the twins made me a little more leery of the idea of twins. Either way would be a blessing but after today I found myself just hoping for just one. I really just hope it works. I feel like I have shut myself off still at this point to the idea of either outcome, almost like I am just make believing we're doing things but that it's not real. I hope when reality hits that it's a nice place to be.