Checking in

We are still just plugging away at this cycle.  The days keep going by and it seems to be quickly approaching.  Only two weeks left until our transfer.  By the end of the month we will know if there is any success.  Scared?  Yep.  Nervous?  Of course.  Excited?  Well that too.

I'm still preparing myself for both sides of the coin.  I don't know how you really prepare yourself for failure though.  The words associated with a cycle of that sort pretty much say it all:  negative, big fat negative, failure, non-successful, etc.  There isn't really a happy twist to it.  You try and you either succeed or fail at the attempt.  We do still have Kendall and Seren to keep us busy and happy.  They were our saving grace the first time around and they will be again if this time doesn't work.

We used to ask Kendall and Seren if they wanted to have a baby in the house.  They are almost 3 and little girls so of course they love babies (mostly their own).  They were undecided and we had our laughs at their little arguments to agree.  We asked them again when we decided to try whether they would want a brother or a sister.  The vote was split on this one also...Seren for a sister and Kendall for a brother (I hope they don't both get their wish).  But now that we are in cycle we don't mention or ask much.  I would love for them to have another sibling.  A lot of my desire for trying again stemmed from this idea of them having a little brother or sister.  Now we just have to wait and see.

Needles...

The wheels are turning so quickly now it seems surreal.  The pharmacy for our clinic sent the progesterone in oil and needles today.  I have to say when I opened the box my stomach made the same familiar drop that it did 3 1/2 years ago.  The site of needles (lots of needles) is the reckoning point for me every time.  This time I remember (although somewhat vaguely) the lack of fun that is shots.  Jeff says that he hated this part and was afraid last time of doing it wrong.  I am feeling a little more wary this time probably due to a lack of blood tests and needles in my skin for a while.  At least we know all the tricks to doing shots this time around.

I am starting to find my stride though and trying to keep focused on the positive possibility.  My mind does remind me of the very real chance of it not working though.  We've been so lucky and didn't have to experience a failed cycle.  I worry about the feelings that might come with that.  I know it's devastating for so many and I wish it never had to be the case, especially  with infertility.  Maybe it's our turn to be on the other side of that fence though.  I do feel grateful for our girls every time I think of that.  I don't truly fear a failed cycle yet (I'm sure I will) because we would still have these great kids.  Sometimes I even feel selfish for wanting another chance instead of donating all of the embryos to the other couple.

We would love to add one more to our family but only time will tell on that.  We have only shared with our parents this time that we are trying another cycle.  There are more sensitivities this time around with close friends recently going through a second trimester loss and Jeff's sister and brother-in-law being amid infertility struggles themselves.  Sometimes I think it is hard to be excited when you know the hurt going on for others at the same time.  Just a balance of hope for them and for yourself.  Here's hoping...for us all.

Romance and Lining Checks...

You wouldn't think these two things go together but during our weekend they did. Things have been progressing well. I was recently going through a discount card from my old job that was expiring next month and printing off coupons. I came across a local B&B that was offering a discount. I thought of how I wanted to surprise Jeff with something romantic and fun to show appreciation for the support he's been with the DE IVF appointments and just all the infertility stuff leading up to this. He's been my sanity and rock. Anyway I decided on a whim to schedule a night stay. I contacted Nurse G regarding schedule and any "conflicts". She advised we were to start abstinence the week prior to retrieval but other than that to have fun (I really like her a lot more now that I see she is organized and caring).

Anyway this left me with one weekend available to schedule this. I reserved a room (Venice...bed and couch are set in a "gondola" and other fun amenities) and then on Sunday morning while Jeff played a game on his computer I secretly packed a bag for us and got his work clothes ready for the next morning. Luckily for me we had agreed to dinner in Salt Lake that night and then Jeff suggested a "pointless drive" to cross another item off my list (it's fun that he's picking up interest in the list).

It went so smooth and he didn't suspect a thing. I drove on the way back "home" and even more luck struck and there was an accident on I-15 with expected delays so I told Jeff I was getting off the exit to avoid this. He didn't suspect anything until I missed the turn to head north still. It was perfect. He was surprised and appreciative and it was fun to be somewhere fun and relax...I love surprising him and treating him (okay treating us) to a relaxing time since I know the next few weeks will be worrisome and stressful. It was much needed.

We went to the lining check appointment the next day (everything looked good) and my ovaries are still raisins which was a relief for once. We were told the donor is responding well and although they don't know for sure yet she appears to be doing as well as her first two cycles. We also met with Nurse G and were given instruction on how to do the PIO shots (which should start Thursday) and now we are armed and hopefully ready for the next step. I think we're both getting more nervous but we're also hopeful.

Hope is a choice...

I have been staving off the reaction to be scared for a while. I have been putting things to the back of my mind and not worrying about the outcome. I've been telling myself that the outcome doesn't matter. But now as I feel like we're actually going somewhere and things in the next few weeks will determine the outcome...I'm scared. As I was sitting this morning preparing and organizing my pills I just had this feeling of fear. Fear that this (possibly) one time chance wouldn't work. That something might go wrong or that my body might act up at an inopportune time. I felt worried to the point that I was teary eyed. It's possible that we may never see two lines on a pregnancy test or I may never know what it's like to carry a child and give birth. It's possible for everyone to not have this happen but I just feel especially vulnerable in our current circumstance. I hope it does happen. It seems like sometimes hope is the only thing we have control over. I sent an article to my friend with POI about hope and one of my favorite quotes is this:

"Hope is not based on the ability to fabricate a better future; it is grounded in the ability to remember with new understanding an equally difficult past...Hope is not some kind of delusional optimism to be resorted to because we simply cannot face the hard facts that threaten to swamp our hearts...hope remains, nevertheless, a choice."

Crossing the line?

I have been thinking about the upcoming cycle more lately. It's basically a month from now that they will have egg retrieval and a month and a half from now I could be pregnant. Oh heavens I hope I am. I think more of the positive side of things and how good the chances are for someone with POI to get pregnant with donor eggs (usually the lack of eggs is the only thing holding them back). But I also stay realistic and realize it may not work. This morning I got ultra-hopeful though and actually looked up a hypothetical due date (if things were to go perfectly). It would be mid-January for a singleton and end of December if twins. I kind of hope to at least get into January if twins happen...I was hoping to avoid a Christmas baby. Man I hope I'm not crossing the line or jinxing us by thinking that far ahead...I'm sure it is a little crazy. I guess if it doesn't work this will be one of the first posts I will just delete. I don't think I'd want to be reminded of my craziness or the hypothetical that isn't needed.

I also have days with strange thoughts where I will just think of Jeff and I being child-free the rest of our lives. Or that maybe I will start doing foster care or shelter care. I always admired the families that did that when I worked for DCFS. I still don't know how I feel about adoption. I think I'm just so engrossed in the middle of this that I don't think on it. I would love to have kids but it doesn't terrify me to think of my life with Jeff and not having kids. I very much want to have a family with Jeff but if it doesn't happen I know we will find a new focus and outlook. Travel, photography, service or life as a hermit/recluse (HAHA only kidding). I really just hope we can get what we have worked towards though.

We made it!

We have been adding up savings and other investments for over a year. Goodness we would have gotten here so much quicker if I would have stayed at DCFS but oh how I am grateful everyday (or at least every time I think about it) that I'm not working there. But we got our tax returns back and into savings yesterday. It puts us where we need to be. We now have a little over $13,000 in savings, plus money in my 401Ks, (hopefully Jeff's bonus) and then some money in stock. We are officially there. It feels good to be there finally. Plus it's a good thing we are because our DE IVF payment ($17, 100) is due at the end of March. Wow! It seems surreal. We finally get to go through with this. Hopefully (beyond hopefully) it will work. Both Jeff and I have hopes and belief that it will but we also keep each other grounded too. We have said that if it doesn't work that we will get another dog. So our way of reminding ourselves and each other is to also talk about what kind of dog we would get or that we may have a new dog this summer instead of a positive pregnancy test. We're hopeful though.

Vitamins and Hope

So I bought some prenatal vitamins at the store yesterday. Does this mean I'm allowing myself to be hopeful? UCRM didn't officially say anything about taking prenatals prior to a cycle (at least not yet) but I figure it can't hurt. I compared them to my daily vitamins (the ones I try to take but mostly fail to...they're expired now). There is some variation between the two but mostly the same. I figure I can start taking prenatals in February since I've read that you should start taking them before you try to get pregnant (maybe that's just a marketing ploy but who cares). Let's face it. I am hopeful. I feel like I'm getting my hopes up and I really really hope they aren't brought back down. I do still remind myself every time I think of being pregnant that it might not work. But my gut still keeps saying "oh come on Michelle...70-75% chance of it working and hopefully even better odds since you have no uterine/cervical problems". Please just let this work...please don't make me go back to the way I felt right after I was diagnosed. Hopeless, rejected and depressed. I didn't like that and I'd prefer to remain hopeful until told otherwise.

I am a list...

I have been categorized, prioritized and minimized down to a list. I have become a set number of characteristics and traits...a list. Me. Right down there on that paper (or word file since we used the computer). After all Jeff and I had to narrow me down to a list of characteristics and personality traits and hopes. Hopes for someone else to be even somewhat like me so that it can feel like I have some connection beyond an umbilical cord to this possible baby. It was kind of depressing. It was kind of hopeful. It was really strange. Strange to see myself in a matter of items and qualities that embodied me and what I would have liked to pass onto a child if I had been given the opportunity. Was it more important to pass on hopeful eye color and appearance or to pass on hopeful personality traits or a chance at being intelligent or healthy. It really makes you think when you realize that you are choosing those possibilities and ranking them in an order. We never really considered it as an idealized baby or "designer baby". We wanted things that I possessed or was like to be on the list. I found myself thinking it was good to have a donor who resembled us both (fair skin, light eyes, brownish blonde hair) so that maybe between Jeff and the donor it would look like Jeff and I. But then as Jeff suggested something of his personality traits or interests, I found myself saying he already had his input on those via his sperm whereas I did not. I realized again it wasn't me that would be contributing 1/2 of the DNA. Although it was kind of sad to look at the list of "me" it was also encouraging to know that this was a step in the right direction.

We emailed the list to Nurse G, our DE coordinator with UCRM, and the next day she had sent us an email back saying that she was reviewing donor profiles and felt she had a good match for us. She explained the donor had donated twice before and had produced 22 eggs the first time and 19 the second time. They sent her profile to us in the mail and we're supposed to go over it and let her know what we think. Yah and I thought things were moving fast before.

What loss?

I have been thinking about how my attitude has changed a lot since originally being diagnosed with POI (primary ovarian insufficiency; this is the term I should use since the medical community is trying to adopt it). I think the thing that hit me the hardest back in the day was the loss of genetic connection to a child. I was heartbroken over not having a child to look or behave like me. Now a couple years later I kind of think of how self-centered that seems. Sure there will be people who try to tell us that our child looks just like me or nothing like me (whatever the case may be) but who cares. Our child will be just that...our child. He or she may have not been created in the same way that a majority of babies are but that won't change one iota of how much we wanted them and worked for them and how much they are our child as we are their parents.

I was thinking at work the other day about how I'm just excited to be a mom someday. And as I was thinking about it I realized that the genetic factor didn't enter my mind at all, in fact I was even more excited to think of how this child may take on some aspects, appearance, personality and health wise, that I wouldn't be able to give them. That although I hope our kids will look a lot like Jeff, I'm very curious to see the peices of them that will be a mystery. It was like I didn't feel a loss anymore (although I'm still jilted at the healthcare and insurance system hehe).

I just want to be a mom someday. I don't know when that will be and I don't know how it will happen but I believe it will. I'm excited to see what this wonderful child will look like and be like. I'm even more excited to share that whole process and experience with Jeff. I think we will make great parents some day. I hope that day isn't as far off as it seems at times though.

Still a glimmer of hope...

Despite the fact I know chances of a spontaneous pregnancy with POF are very slim I still can't give up the little hope I have left in that. They say there is about a 10% chance over the initial 10 years after occurance...guess that means I have about 8 years left haha. But I keep in touch with an online support group of other ladies with POF and I know that it happens because I read the stories. Recently a POF girl that I emailed a few times found out she's pregnant and she was diagnosed 8 years ago. That is what keeps me hoping and believing it can happen. I don't know specifically if it will ever happen for me but it happens for some and that is an equally awesome thing.