I love donor egg...

The parenting, the experience, the whole kitten caboodle.  I know sometimes I have gripes about feeling disconnected from society and from women who conceive with their own eggs.  But I really love where we are, how we got here and that we get to do this again.

I started using a pregnancy app with chat groups recently.  Truth be told I only browse the infertility treatment and the pregnant after IVF/IUI boards.  So I have come across a few women with egg issues considering donor egg.  One I've been emailing back and forth with for a few days.  It has both helped me to remember why we are here and all of the incredible positives that are a part of donor egg.

I love being able to share this rainbow at the end of a storm like infertility and letting women know that it's often successful or at least still gives hope when you think you have none.  That it isn't the end of their dreams but hopefully a great beginning to them.  I love learning about epigenetics and thinking on how I believe it played a part in our girls appearance and development.  I am so grateful that there are women who even think to do such a selfless act to donate eggs to those of us who want the opportunity.  I know some may do it for money but I think the great majority are truly in it for the service because there so much more involved that isn't convenient or fun to do.  I am so grateful that a woman I'll never know and who will never know me made this possible.

I'm grateful to have the girls I do.  I hope I never say anything that lessens their worth to me.  They are everything and more to what I hoped my kids would be like.  And not just with donor egg but my whole life before infertility hit.  They are perfect.  They are so beautiful and so thoughtful and just amazing to watch and learn from.  I think re-entering this experience has taught me even more so to enjoy the blessings I have and the opportunity I am given.

Twin Mom Guilt...

We hung out with our good friends last night.  It was really nice and enjoyable.  I felt like I was finally able to talk to my good friend about the infertility stuff and not be downplayed or belittled.  But first off it started off with some twin questions.  She asked if I ever wondered if Seren would be less of a crier or panicky if she were able to be on her own schedule (ie not be a twin but an only child).  I didn't really take it offensive but at the same time was thinking, "why does it matter? that's not the scenario we have so why wonder?"  I honestly think Seren would be very similar to how she is whether she was a twin or not.  It's interesting to see that Kendall and Seren have basically met in the middle in my opinion.  Seren has actually mellowed out a lot (I think mostly because the colic stage has passed) and Kendall has become more demanding at times (probably because she sees it working for Seren).

Unlike some twin moms who learn by surprise we had a pretty good idea from the beginning.  We were given a 40% + chance of twins based on the donor's history and the appearance of our embryos.  And sometimes I do feel guilty for them being twins.  Guilty that I can't pay attention to them enough or give them enough one-on-one time.  I catch myself thinking "I'm sorry that I put you in this situation" when one or both of them is having a really hard day and I'm trying to juggle loving on both.  I used to feel more guilty about it (often crying because I felt inadequate for them) so things have gotten better.  I wonder if most moms of multiples feel this way.  Just inadequate and somewhat guilty that they can't do enough.  I suppose that's another reason it bothers me when my friend compares developmental milestones of our children...because I feel I've put them at a disadvantage.  But in reality I know they will develop just as normally (they have so far) as any single child and will actually be better off for learning to share, socialize and be more patient right from the beginning.  They are lucky to have each other and have a sister who is their same age.  I'm excited to see them grow up together and have that special relationship.

On the other plus side, like I was saying, I really felt like my friend and I somewhat connected on the infertility stuff for the first time.  It has been a looooong while since the topic has truly been broached.  We both got to talking about whether we would have another child.  They plan to and my DH is settled while I'm not 100% sure yet.  She asked what we would do if we had twins again and I told her I wouldn't open it to that possibility (explaining more of the DE IVF stuff and only putting back one embryo).  Then she asked about the donor and how we had gone about picking someone.  I always thought I would be offended a little by people asking about the donor (no one really has yet...not very many family or friends know) but I wasn't offended.  In fact I was almost excited to tell her about the way things had worked out and how I really felt good about things and making the right decision once our donor was selected.  It was just a good conversation and I was also able to reiterate my concern/request with privacy and not talking to anyone else about it, explaining that Kendall and Seren deserve to know and understand and later share that information how they see fit and it's not really my place or choice beyond what Jeff and I feel is necessary to keep them "safe" emotionally (if that makes sense).

I really feel like fate led us down this route and I am so lucky to have the kiddos that I do.  They are so special and I hope I live every day as their mom making sure that they know that.  Every child is special of course but I like to think children brought to parents with infertility struggles are just a little more then most.

First shot...

This morning we did our first PIO shot. After watching a few videos on youtube and getting instructions from Nurse G this wasn't too bad. I was glad that Jeff was in charge of the sticking and not me though. We decided to do them in the morning as we don't want to worry about injecting me during a night out with friends or other activities. Preparing the shot was the hardest part as the oil is difficult to draw out. But the actual shot wasn't bad. I was expecting Jeff to hesitate more but he just asked if I was ready and then did the shot right after. I can't say I look forward to many more shots but I'm kind of hoping for a couple more months of this (if it works most REs have you do PIO until 10 or 12 weeks pregnant). Here's to 10 more weeks and 70 more shots...yeah! How do you get excited over that...well try being in IF shoes and you will understand :)
*a picture of our new morning routine...needle is 1 1/2" and 22 gauge :P

Also we are told the donor is doing well and responding beautifully. Someone from UCRM called me yesterday (she was pleasant and exciting to talk to)...she was very positive about the donor and how she looked and wished us luck. They do retrieval tomorrow and then hopefully we'll know more later that day. I don't really expect to know a lot until Monday though. Here's hoping though.

Spring, Easter and Eggs

I can say we are officially on our way and would actually officially say this is the beginning of the cycle. I stopped my last provera yesterday and started AF today. I emailed Nurse G and she said that the donor will have her last pill on Saturday and first u/s screen next week and then we'll know more. I hope that this is a good thing. I hope that spring and easter season (a time for new beginning and new life) will bring us luck in this new adventure we're taking (or trying to take). And as someone said on a forum I follow it doesn't hurt that easter is also associated with eggs. Hope we have a lot to work with at the end of April. Until then I am kind of glad that I have school, homework and upcoming finals to focus on so I don't worry as much with this.

Shy but perfect...my cervix not me

I'm not allowed to be shy anymore. After all we just finished our IVF consult and I got to flash three people. Yeah! They say that when you are pregnant and have continual exams and such that by the time you have the child you don't care who sees your "stuff". Well I think I'm already to that point and I've never even been pregnant.

Our IVF consult was yesterday. They did an U/S of my uterus again and also a trial transfer. Jeff and I were alone waiting in the exam room for 10-15 minutes and started joking around. We have definitely seen some interesting twists to our sense of humors with all of this infertility stuff. We were joking about my bladder being full during the last U/S and also about the resident who was at the exam. I was saying how I hoped it was only Dr. G this time. About the time I said that the knock at the door revealed Dr. G, a female resident and a nurse. Wahoo...isn't three a crowd?? So they did the u/s to look at my uterus. Once again Dr. G says "a beautiful uterus" and "most perfect uterus I've seen in a while". Hear that future (hopeful) kid(s)...I'm giving ya a perfect place so kick up your feet and stay a while.

Dr. G then prepared for the trial transfer and had a little trouble getting my cervix centered and joked "you have a shy cervix" and I felt like saying well you've got three people down there looking at it I'd be shy too but I decided against it. Dr. G then said I also had a perfect cervix too. The resident joked with me about being doubly perfect and we laughed a little. The trial transfer was not bad at all which I found comforting since I've read some women have a horrible time with it. And supposedly the real transfer will be easier so that's good.

We also met with Nurse G again. She had our cycle calendar for us. Wow! That really put things into perspective for me. She talked about the meds I would be taking and the things that Jeff would need to do. She talked to us about the retrieval dates and transfer dates. Goodness it seems surreal that we really will be doing this and having this chance. She praised the donor and asked at the end if we were excited. We were but it was weird to have it all out there in front of us. After two years of working toward this it seems so...unbelievable. I can't express how excited and nervous I am for this and how much I hope that it works. I can picture it working and I'm very hopeful but I also have to remind myself to stay grounded in case things don't go so well.

We have a winner...

We received the first donor profile in the mail. I really liked her and Jeff liked her but felt like we should see a couple more before we decided anything. So we asked Nurse G to send us a couple more that were a little more close to me (us) appearance wise since that was our small hang up. Donor #1 had hazel eyes and brown hair and her family all had brown eyes except for one blue eyed grandparent. We received two more profiles about a week ago. One was a new donor (#3) and one had donated before (#2). The new donor was not ideal in my eyes right away...as she had no previous pregnancies or cycles and also some autoimmune health history and a family member with drug/alcohol addiction. Donor #2 was a closer match to me in looks but Jeff and I both felt more comfortable with the first one still. So we have a winner with donor #1...I hope we really have a winner when it comes down to it.

I feel really good about donor #1 though. She has a good health history, good grades and previous success (at least on her own) and cycles (though we're not allowed to know if previous ones resulted in pregnancy). She also majored in the same degree that I did in school and she has a lot of the same interests I do too (crafts, decorating and photography). I feel like those things are more important to me then the looks or grades (although it doesn't hurt that those are great too). It's silly but I almost feel like we are being led to her as a match...like confirming this is a good one. I also feel like I can picture talking to our child about how we chose this donor and feeling closer to her because of these commonalities. And have some hope that maybe this child will also have some common ground with me like that.

Anyway we confirmed things with Nurse G to hopefully use this donor. Nurse G was happy about her and really has positive things to say about this girl (both personality/interaction and actual cycle wise). We're hoping to plan a cycle for the end of April so I would be in between semesters with school. Gosh I get so nervous and excited to think about it. It's hard to not tell people about it but at the same time I really want to keep it private. I know people are already rooting for us even if they don't know the exact time frame it might happen.

I am a list...

I have been categorized, prioritized and minimized down to a list. I have become a set number of characteristics and traits...a list. Me. Right down there on that paper (or word file since we used the computer). After all Jeff and I had to narrow me down to a list of characteristics and personality traits and hopes. Hopes for someone else to be even somewhat like me so that it can feel like I have some connection beyond an umbilical cord to this possible baby. It was kind of depressing. It was kind of hopeful. It was really strange. Strange to see myself in a matter of items and qualities that embodied me and what I would have liked to pass onto a child if I had been given the opportunity. Was it more important to pass on hopeful eye color and appearance or to pass on hopeful personality traits or a chance at being intelligent or healthy. It really makes you think when you realize that you are choosing those possibilities and ranking them in an order. We never really considered it as an idealized baby or "designer baby". We wanted things that I possessed or was like to be on the list. I found myself thinking it was good to have a donor who resembled us both (fair skin, light eyes, brownish blonde hair) so that maybe between Jeff and the donor it would look like Jeff and I. But then as Jeff suggested something of his personality traits or interests, I found myself saying he already had his input on those via his sperm whereas I did not. I realized again it wasn't me that would be contributing 1/2 of the DNA. Although it was kind of sad to look at the list of "me" it was also encouraging to know that this was a step in the right direction.

We emailed the list to Nurse G, our DE coordinator with UCRM, and the next day she had sent us an email back saying that she was reviewing donor profiles and felt she had a good match for us. She explained the donor had donated twice before and had produced 22 eggs the first time and 19 the second time. They sent her profile to us in the mail and we're supposed to go over it and let her know what we think. Yah and I thought things were moving fast before.

I am a statistical anomaly...

I went to a baby shower this past weekend. I haven't really been baby hungry so it is still fairly easy to go to baby showers and pretend that I'm normal (as long as no one asks questions hehe). But out of the 10 or 11 women that came to the shower the odds were...1 single, 4 with kids, 3 pregnant, 2 married without kids and me. Granted I don't know the outcome for 3 of these women but I'm pretty sure the 2 newly married friends don't have kids at this point by choice.

Anyway I found myself driving home from this shower thinking about the odds and asking myself if 1 in 10 couples have infertility problems then why wasn't there another woman in the room with my situation. Then it hit me...I am that woman...I am the 1 in 10. I would have to be in a room of 20 women (statistically speaking) to meet another woman with infertility problems. And that's just a woman who has been "trying" for a year and not fallen pregnant...they could still go on to get pregnant on their own.

For me to meet another woman with POF in my age range I would need a room full of 2,000 women younger than 30 (the odds are 1 in 1,000 before age 30). And then since I'm talking odds...10% will have fertility problems but only 5% of that 10% will ever need or decide to pursue IVF procedures (accounting for effective fertility treatment that is less invasive, those who can't afford IVF and those that pursue adoption instead). And of that remaining 5% of the initial 10% I can only imagine the small percentage that will need to pursue IVF using an egg donor. Wow! I am statistically an anomaly in society. I don't know if that makes me feel unique or just plain lonely.