Waving The White Flag...

The girls were waving the white flag last night.  Well at least Seren was waving it in surrender.  She slept like a champ.  Holy cow was I a proud and happy momma to the little sleeper.  Jeff said he didn't have as much luck with Kendall upstairs...apparently she was fussy after the 3 am feeding but did well up until that point.  So we actually got some decent sleep last night (I think...we'll see how Jeff is after work today).  Seren slept for 2 1/2 hours or so at a time before she would stir and get fussy to eat again.  Then I would feed her a bottle and she would be sleepy again and fall right back to sleep on her own.  No crying or screaming when I put her down.  It was heaven.  Hopefully this is a sign of things to come.

Preparing for Battle

This is what it feels like every night as we prepare for bed.  There is a specific routine we follow (there pretty much is for everything with twins I've decided).  Anyway we gather 3 sets of bottles (12 am feeding, 3 am feeding and 6 am feeding) in two colors (one color is assigned to each girl) and our formula and put them up in the bathroom on the top shelf.  We generally finish our nights with a 9 pm feeding and then try to get the girls in bed or down around 10 pm.  If we are at all lucky (which we generally aren't) we get an hour and a half of sack time before the girls fuss and wake up to eat again.  Most likely Seren is crying and won't go down so we don't sleep until after the 12 am feeding and then it's 2 hours max sleep before they are up again to eat.  The girls used to sleep together (based on recommendations and such that twins do well in the same crib).  They don't...do well sleeping that is...not our girls anyway.  So now Kendall is in the crib and Seren is in the pack 'n play bassinette by our bed.  We fight with Seren most every night (thus it feels like preparing for battle).  Love that little girl but man oh man can't wait til she sleeps better.

And thus it is 10 pm again now...we have a new battle plan in place tonight.  Divide and conquer.  We are attempting to split the girls up between our crib upstairs and one downstairs and also split ourselves up between our bedroom (downstairs) and spare bedroom (upstairs) and see how this works.  Wish us luck!

Three weeks old...

The girls are three weeks old now. They are doing good. We are exhausted. Jeff has been off work for the last of his paternity leave and it has been so nice. It is nice to have the time together with the girls. It has been hard though. I keep thinking of when it will just be me again on Friday and soon full weeks (come Monday) on my own. I am scared and worried and feel totally inadequate to handle things. I was reading online about when it gets easier with twins...some said 4 months, some said 1 year and some said it didn't get easier just different. I keep hoping it will be easier when they can sleep through the night and can sit up or do some things for themselves. I have had a number of times now of just exhausted crying or emotionally just being worn out. I guarantee these will continue if not get worse even (please not much worse).

Honestly I keep wondering how twin mothers do it. Maybe I should check out some books on twin survival hehe. I feel like I have pretty much been giving up on breast feeding. I get frustrated by it and honestly if it saves my sanity to not then maybe it's worth it. I still nurse them both on occasion but it's more random and I'm sure I've killed my milk supply by doing this. I just hope things will get more manageable or routine so it will be easier to cope.

It Won't Be Like This For Long...

The girls are two weeks old now. Two weeks of loving them, feeding them, diapering them and loosing sleep. Oh sleep how we miss you :) hehe You have to laugh or you might cry from exhaustion. I just hope that Jeff is surviving. I try to take care of them at night the best I can with juggling but there are many times when I can't and Jeff is always good to get them from the crib, feed them or cuddle with them despite the fact he is exhausted. I hope we can get their schedules more on track with his.

Anyway during the hard times I think of how soon enough they will be bigger and sleep longer and then things will be a little easier. Then I think of the country song about this and how quickly they will grow and how much you'll miss it when it's gone. So I definitely try to enjoy the little moments and adorable babies that we have now and try not to mentally trade them in for babies that will sleep through the night. It always makes me teary eyed to think of them growing up so fast and getting bigger. Especially knowing this may be our only time with little newborn babies. But I'm so grateful that things worked for us and for Kendall and Seren to be here. I know they were meant to be a part of our family and I can't wait (okay yes I can) to watch them grow.

Bombing at Breastfeeding (kind of)

I have to say one of my biggest frustrations so far is breastfeeding. I have a hard time doing it. I think I would love it if I had one baby. But juggling two into the mix has been hard. Kendall doesn't nurse well enough to attempt same-time feedings and quite frankly I haven't tried to get them both latched on at the same time. I would be better about pumping too...I don't mind that. I was breast feeding Seren (my baracuda) and pumping the other breast while Kendall was having issues with latching, jaundice and weight gain and the pediatrician we saw said to give her formula just to get her weight back. The lactation consultants called to check in and said to always offer it to Kendall though and she'd get better at it (the beginnings of many opinions and never being able to do the right thing according to everyone). She did but I've also slacked off and lost ground again I believe. I have the hardest time nursing at night. I do it with Seren sometimes when she is fussy but Kendall is difficult to nurse when she is sleepy at all. I also fall into the trap of formula keeping them more full longer and feeling sleep deprived and frustrated. It doesn't help that the pump that I bought used (maybe should have known better doesn't appear to pump well with two at once...one side works great with suction and one is weak...so I typically only use one side). I suppose I should start pumping during the feeding of both girls whether Kendall takes breast or bottle.

Really all I can say is that I admire moms that can breastfeed twins. I am not giving up. I believe it will get easier. I have a lot of help from my parents right now which is really nice to keep one girl busy or comforted while I work with the other. Hoping I can find my groove even more so though when they return home.

As to my donor egg feelings...

I wanted to address this also for anyone considering donor egg or wondering how it may be to go this route. I worried a little during my pregnancy that I would feel inadequate or annoyed or many other things with people talking about the girls and who they might look like or such things. Interestingly enough the two people who have commented on this aspect (Lisa's husband James and my Aunt) both were aware of the donor egg aspect...not sure they really understand it though. James said he thought Seren looked like me while they were up to visit at the hospital (no biggie and I just smiled and said "you think so?") and then my Aunt was sitting with us at home and started talking about how she was just trying to figure out who the girls looked like. I didn't bring up the donor egg aspect again with her...if she doesn't remember the details or understand it more then regular IVF I am okay with that (especially after the last time of her telling other family members about my health that I didn't want to know). But yah it doesn't bother me at all to have people say things like this. I think both girls are distinctive to themselves in looks. I would say that Kendall looks a little like Jeff and his family (but not even strongly there)...the nurse staff, my mom and I seem to think Kendall might have a little bit of red hair (never saw that happening...even though red hair runs in Jeff's family and mine a little too...so people were always saying we had a good chance of a little red-head). Sometimes I even strangely think Kendall might look a little like my family babies do. Both Kendall and Seren have long slender fingers and some similarities to each other. I thought at first they were very different in appearance but now I think they are starting to look more alike (like siblings only of course hehe). Seren is my little button nosed baby. I love how her little nose gives her character and how she is so facially expressive it seems. They have these facial expressions that I just love. I still believe both girls will end up with brown eyes but I may surprised there too. Jeff has hazel eyes and the donor had brown eyes with very little recessive blue eyes in her family. I would say that I have grown comfortable with the idea of the girls not looking like me and just being curious with how their appearance will change and how they will grow into themselves. I love them for the world and wouldn't change how they looked for a minute.

I feel no regrets or weird feelings about how we started our family. I worried a little with my non-emotional or crying reaction at their being born that something might be off. But with each passing day and hour spent with them I feel closer to them and more bonded. I sit there when changing and feeding them sometimes and think of how perfect they are and how much I love them already and just tear up or cry. Maybe I'm hormonal hehe but I know that can't be the whole reason. I know that love will just continue to grow too and become incomprehensible to how much I can love them.

The only concerns I feel like I have with things is with my POF and how this might affect breast milk supply and things of that nature. I had what I felt was a good first and second pump (1 1/2 oz...one breast as Seren nurses while I pump the opposite breast to supplement Kendall with) but then it went down to less then an ounce and barely an ounce. I was frustrated and worried. I think though that a lot of this had to do with my crazed nesting upon coming home, my exhaustion and just emotional drop with hormones and worrying about it. I've been trying to be less obsessed with it and just making sure I eat and drink enough and this morning I had a 2 1/2 oz pump (yeah!!). I'm also ordering different/bigger breast shield size (this is supposed to help as I am bigger then the average breast). So I think it will get better.

First week...

The girls are sleeping right now so I thought I would write down some feelings and laughable stories on things so far. On the day of discharge we discovered we couldn't find the alarm/beeper to our car. We had the keys but the alarm was never attached. Jeff went to dig out the car (snow storm while we were in the hospital) and warm it up to go home. Of course the alarm went off during both of these trips and continued to go off for a minute before it would shut off temporarily. I forewarned the nurses about our issue as they wheeled me down with Seren in my arms (she was too little for a car seat and needed use of a car bed which the hospital has loaned us) and Kendall in the car seat. We laughed about it a little as we came out the doors and the car alarm was going off. The nurses and Jeff got the girls settled in and the babies didn't seem to mind the alarm too much. Jeff thought it would stop going off after we got driving for a minute...it did and didn't with random alarming. I giggled about it and thought it was a funny story to tell them when they were older. About halfway home we got a call saying we'd forgotten some discharge papers and my pain med prescription. We continued home since we were so close and I returned to the hospital a little later in our other car (taking out/off the driver's side rear view mirror on the way out of the garage). Our cars were not having good days that day.

Anyway we have survived the first week. Both our parents and some family have been in the house to help out and been life savers. Nesting kicked in for me after they were born as I found myself unable to relax and sit down in between feedings. I had to clean and organize and put Christmas stuff away, etc. as it was driving me crazy to not. I hit the wall about 5 days into being home and had an emotional breakdown though and just crashed in bed for an hour or two in the middle of family being over for dinner. Things are a lot better now although I can still tell my hormones are adjusting.

Breast feeding has gone pretty well. Seren is our "baracuda" with it (the hospital pediatrician called her this due to her suck/bite being so strong). Kendall is a little less practiced at it. She didn't take to it as well and had issues with jaundice for a couple days and then with spitting up pretty bad and all this leading to some weight loss for concern. The pediatrician we saw for the jaundice had us get on a sensitive formula (we had tried a few different things prior to this suggestion) and that helped with the spitting up. She also told us that if Kendall wasn't eating and having diapering appropriately to call her on-call and they might need to re-admit Kendall to the hospital. Talk about heart ache. I felt so bad even though I knew we were doing everything we knew or could (I just don't think we realized her behavior with the jaundice was so off) that I just started crying in the office. We had Kendall on the lights for jaundice for most of a day and her level came back lower then they thought it would be and then the next one came back in normal range. Less then a week later I think Kendall has improved greatly. She hasn't been throwing up just rare times with small spit up, she's more alert and nursing better too and from what I can tell body wise and eating wise she has been putting on some weight. Both Kendall and Seren are to be fed every two hours and they have each been taking in about 1 1/2 to 2 oz at each feeding. So they both seem to be on the right track.

Kendall and Seren's Birth Story

*super long post...don't feel the need to read it all. It's mostly for my memory*

The girls have arrived now. Dr B asked me to make an appointment on the 28th to check my "status" and said that if I was still progressing (even though I was only dialated to a 2) that he would plan to induce me on the 30th. I had been holding out for January up until then but with how I had been feeling (headache for two weeks straight) I didn't care about the couple extra days.

So I arrived at the appointment on 28th and Dr B greeted me and asked if I was ready to have some babies tomorrow and I said that sounded great (Jeff had planned to take off Wednesday in prep for the inducement day). Dr B checked my status and said I was only a 1 cm but 75% or 100% effaced (I don't remember exactly). He also checked the girls size and position and both were head down still. He and I noted that the smaller baby hadn't gained weight for the last two visits (from the estimates). He said he'd like to set an appointment to induce me tomorrow and I agreed to that. He came back and told me that the hospital didn't have room tomorrow but there was a time for that day (28th) at 11:00 am and asked how that would work. I told him Jeff was at work and I wasn't sure he could get off so quickly (it was 2 hours away) and Dr B said he didn't expect me to do much until later in the day and Jeff could even finish his workday if necessary. Dr B was nice about it but I had the impression he didn't want to wait any longer so I agreed to this. He made the appointment, suggested I grab a light meal before heading to the hospital and sent me on my way.

I immediately called Jeff after and felt like crying a little (I think I was just scared and also a little frustrated as I hadn't finished getting last minute prep done or even a hospital bag packed). Jeff was good though and said he would wrap up what he was doing and meet me at home. He got home and we did our best to get things together. He was kinda cute on the way to the hospital as I could tell he was excited and distracted with driving directions (despite the fact we'd been there a few times before). We registered with Labor and Delivery and they brought us to our room and had me get changed. The nurse came in and checked me again and called Dr B with her assessment. They started me on the pitocin and Dr B came to the hospital around 12:30 and they did a balloon type catheter, which hurt a lot, to help my cervix dialate more (to a 3 cm). They continued to check on my progress. Around 3:30 or 4 pm they did an epidural on me and I was grateful for that as I never really felt major contractions but that also made the epidural seem that much worse I think on a pain scale (such a weird experience to be shot in the spine...not a fan). Around 5:00 pm Dr B came in again and they broke my water on Kendall/Baby A.

My parents were here and were able to come up and visit and check in throughout the day. I don't remember a lot happening between 5:00 pm and 10:00 pm. My parents and sister were at the hospital and the nursing staff checked me again around 10:00 pm (just as my family was getting ready to go) and I was dialated to 5 cm. Throughout the labor they monitored both babies and contractions on the screen. They would have to readjust anytime a heartbeat was lost or if I shifted and they lost the heartbeat. It was comforting to see their heartbeats on screen and honestly a very nice sound (although they kept it turned down enough) to relax and fall asleep to. They kept good tabs on them too as at one point Seren became lower/sleeping heart rate for about an hour and so they came in with a buzzer/vibrator type device to see if she would wake up...she did right away.

Anyway around 10:30 pm they lost Kendall's heart rate and came in to adjust the doppler on her. The nurse was unable to find her in her usual position and tried a bit lower in my pelvis. She found it again and said I must have progressed from 5 cm for her to do so. She checked me again and said I was now a 9+ cm (all that within a 1/2 hour). She said she would call Dr B with my progress. When she came back she said we would do some practice pushes and then move into one of the OR rooms if that looked well. We called my parents and let them know. The hospital had two other patients with possible c-section needs so we were told we'd wait to see on those and to just rest if possible and contact the nurse if I felt the need to push but to not do so.

At 11:05 pm the nurse returned and said we would move into the OR now. Jeff was put in some cover alls and they wheeled me over. They set things up and Dr B arrived and everything seemed to go by fast. They had me push for Kendall and it only took 6 or so and she was born. It seemed so surreal to me and I still couldn't really believe it until they layed her up on my stomach and had Jeff cut her chord and she was crying. I touched her and looked at her and it was amazing that this little girl had come from my body. I didn't cry like I thought I would but was amazed. They took Kendall away to a connecting room to be cleaned up and sent Jeff with her. They mentioned doing an u/s for position on Seren and Dr B said it wasn't necessary. We began to push for Seren and her heart rate went down so Dr B requested a small suction to help her along. Jeff was called back in the room and I pushed for her a few times and she was out. Dr B did some things quickly with her and she began crying and then she was taken away. The nurses made a comment about that being a good reason her heart rate would've gone down and some other things were said. I asked what they meant cause I couldn't see what was going on. Apparently Seren was born with the chord around her neck twice but thankfully Dr B reacted quickly and calmly (I'm sure they are used to this happening). Gratefully there were no problems or complications for Seren from this.

We were able to see them together in the OR room in one bassinet. Kendall was crying a little and Seren was wide eyed and calm and just looking at Kendall like "what are you doing?". They were too cute. They took me back to the labor and delivery room for recovery and had Jeff wheel the bassinet with the girls. My parents, sister and sister-in-law were at the hospital and brought in to see us and the babies. It was an amazing experience.

Welcome Girls....

Kendall Susan and Seren Riley have officially arrived. They were born on December 28th. Kendall weighed in at 5 lb. 12 oz. and 20 inches and Seren came in at 4 lbs 14 oz. and 19 inches. Both did great at the hospital and were able to come home after a couple days stay. We are so excited to have them and working on getting a schedule down. Actual birth story to follow when I have time but a picture in the meantime :)

* Seren (left) and Kendall (right) shortly after delivery *