The wheels are turning so quickly now it seems surreal. The pharmacy for our clinic sent the progesterone in oil and needles today. I have to say when I opened the box my stomach made the same familiar drop that it did 3 1/2 years ago. The site of needles (lots of needles) is the reckoning point for me every time. This time I remember (although somewhat vaguely) the lack of fun that is shots. Jeff says that he hated this part and was afraid last time of doing it wrong. I am feeling a little more wary this time probably due to a lack of blood tests and needles in my skin for a while. At least we know all the tricks to doing shots this time around.
I am starting to find my stride though and trying to keep focused on the positive possibility. My mind does remind me of the very real chance of it not working though. We've been so lucky and didn't have to experience a failed cycle. I worry about the feelings that might come with that. I know it's devastating for so many and I wish it never had to be the case, especially with infertility. Maybe it's our turn to be on the other side of that fence though. I do feel grateful for our girls every time I think of that. I don't truly fear a failed cycle yet (I'm sure I will) because we would still have these great kids. Sometimes I even feel selfish for wanting another chance instead of donating all of the embryos to the other couple.
We would love to add one more to our family but only time will tell on that. We have only shared with our parents this time that we are trying another cycle. There are more sensitivities this time around with close friends recently going through a second trimester loss and Jeff's sister and brother-in-law being amid infertility struggles themselves. Sometimes I think it is hard to be excited when you know the hurt going on for others at the same time. Just a balance of hope for them and for yourself. Here's hoping...for us all.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Thursday, September 26, 2013
The Fast Track...
We went in for my sonohystogram yesterday and received our calendar for this cycle this morning...there were some questions the nurse wanted to clarify with Dr H once I told her I didn't need to take the Lupron. One thing can be said for POF/POI, it doesn't slow you down when it comes to frozen cycles. I had been expecting the typical calendar of approximately a month before transfer. We had said we'd like to just move forward as soon as possible and the nurse originally gave us a tentative time frame of the week of November 4th transfer. This was fine by me. Time to get ready. Time to comprehend and let it all really settle into my brain. But low and behold Dr H told our nurse that due to my ovaries sitting on the sidelines already for this game that I didn't need to do Lupron (knew that) and also didn't need to manipulate my cycle with birth control (good job ovaries).
We were given the option to start Estrace and a cycle immediately or postpone a little if we had our hearts set on Dr H doing the transfer. I was pretty tempted to postpone out until November 4th but after checking my calendar realized that I have a boutique show scheduled that week with a friend. So since there is no harm, no foul in having another doctor do the transfer we are going ahead with the earlier transfer the week of October 14th. Barely two weeks away. The nerves are starting to kick in. Ready or not the clock is ticking.
We were given the option to start Estrace and a cycle immediately or postpone a little if we had our hearts set on Dr H doing the transfer. I was pretty tempted to postpone out until November 4th but after checking my calendar realized that I have a boutique show scheduled that week with a friend. So since there is no harm, no foul in having another doctor do the transfer we are going ahead with the earlier transfer the week of October 14th. Barely two weeks away. The nerves are starting to kick in. Ready or not the clock is ticking.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Watching My Words...
Mostly I've been watching my words come right back out of Kendall and Seren's mouths. So far no cuss words that I know of *wiping sweat off my brow*. But Seren will often tell Kendall "calm down Kendall". I'm sure I use this phrase a lot with Kendall during her little tantrums and melt downs.
They both often say "Oh my" or "Good night" (my car language modified for bad drivers around them haha). Also Kendall has taken to correcting me a lot. She will play kitchen/cook with me and if I only say "yes" when she asks if I want more then she will say "mom...yes please" to correct me. It cracks me up. I guess at least they are learning manners.
Also today we went for a treat at Wendy's and were going to hit the drive-thru when Kendall saw the tables with umbrellas outside. She kept saying "mom I want to eat outside" and once we parked I asked if they wanted to eat outside at home instead. Seren immediately says "no mom eat here...sorry" emphasizing the sorry. I actually heard myself in this sorry completely. I take it I must say something like that quite a bit also. It made me laugh but they got their way.
Cute little stinkers!
They both often say "Oh my" or "Good night" (my car language modified for bad drivers around them haha). Also Kendall has taken to correcting me a lot. She will play kitchen/cook with me and if I only say "yes" when she asks if I want more then she will say "mom...yes please" to correct me. It cracks me up. I guess at least they are learning manners.
Also today we went for a treat at Wendy's and were going to hit the drive-thru when Kendall saw the tables with umbrellas outside. She kept saying "mom I want to eat outside" and once we parked I asked if they wanted to eat outside at home instead. Seren immediately says "no mom eat here...sorry" emphasizing the sorry. I actually heard myself in this sorry completely. I take it I must say something like that quite a bit also. It made me laugh but they got their way.
Cute little stinkers!
Thursday, September 12, 2013
All or Nothing
That would seem to be the theme of today's appointment to discuss a frozen cycle. Dr H did our transfer with our first cycle that resulted in Kendall and Seren. Since our other doctor has retired since our last care we decided that we would like to proceed with Dr H. Also we just like him more and find him very competent. Anyway just a side note there.
The main note of course is that a) we can proceed whenever we like due to me being on birth control / hormone replacement and not needing Lupron (yeah for POF). b) he doesn't advise transferring only one embryo during a frozen cycle. c) of the 40% that get pregnant as a result of frozen embryo transfers 1/3 of those end up with a twin pregnancy. So it would seem that this is really all or nothing. To be honest the idea of it scared me at the appointment. I was ready to balk and back out unless it was a single. Yes we made it through twins once but the idea of doing it again with two already in tow was pretty darn terrifying to me. Jeff seemed more to take it in stride. Dr H asked "if you were to have twins again would it be the end of the world?" and I thought Jeff would be the first to say "yeah we're not going to do that" but he was just honest that it was hard but we could do it again if it came to that.
Now that Jeff and I have had a discussion about the chance it doesn't seem as daunting. First of all, the chance of pregnancy with a frozen transfer is still around 40% (not stellar) and second of all if that 40% happens the chance of twins is only 33% or less. So the combined likelihood (according to Jeff's calculation) is about a 13% chance of twins again. I can live with that. Will I be shaking in my boots if the result comes down the line that we might have two sets of twins in our home...yes, yes I probably will be. But for now I feel good about giving it a chance still.
We are waiting to hear back on some matters from our hopeful donation couple and then we will begin moving forward with this little adventure.
The main note of course is that a) we can proceed whenever we like due to me being on birth control / hormone replacement and not needing Lupron (yeah for POF). b) he doesn't advise transferring only one embryo during a frozen cycle. c) of the 40% that get pregnant as a result of frozen embryo transfers 1/3 of those end up with a twin pregnancy. So it would seem that this is really all or nothing. To be honest the idea of it scared me at the appointment. I was ready to balk and back out unless it was a single. Yes we made it through twins once but the idea of doing it again with two already in tow was pretty darn terrifying to me. Jeff seemed more to take it in stride. Dr H asked "if you were to have twins again would it be the end of the world?" and I thought Jeff would be the first to say "yeah we're not going to do that" but he was just honest that it was hard but we could do it again if it came to that.
Now that Jeff and I have had a discussion about the chance it doesn't seem as daunting. First of all, the chance of pregnancy with a frozen transfer is still around 40% (not stellar) and second of all if that 40% happens the chance of twins is only 33% or less. So the combined likelihood (according to Jeff's calculation) is about a 13% chance of twins again. I can live with that. Will I be shaking in my boots if the result comes down the line that we might have two sets of twins in our home...yes, yes I probably will be. But for now I feel good about giving it a chance still.
We are waiting to hear back on some matters from our hopeful donation couple and then we will begin moving forward with this little adventure.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Random Update (32 months)
Favorite Things: Yo Gabba Gabba (especially Seren loves this), Kendall is obsessed with LMFAO's Party Rock song and music video (she's starting to sing parts of it out of the blue), they both love their blankets (Kendall especially does). They love to take bubble baths in our jetted tub. They also love to go on "hikes"...Jeff has taken them a time or two and I've gone with them also. We just go to dirt trails and walk around. Books: Seren loves Jack and The Beanstalk (Fee Fo Fum she calls it) and Kendall likes the mini-books that Grandma D gave them a while ago. The both like Giggle, Giggle, Quack by Doreen Cronin also so we're trying new stuff at the library from her this week.
Dislikes: They fight over toys more lately and have taken to pushing each other at times, followed by time outs. Kendall still has rough mornings and wants to be held during breakfast, but usually you can hold her a couple minutes and transition her to her own seat again. She is very sensitive emotionally at times (and completely normal at others). I am trying to read a parenting book on sensitive kids for suggestions even though she doesn't completely fit the profile. Also our pediatrician has recommended giving her some protein rich foods before bed to level her blood sugars.
Favorite Foods: Recently they can't get enough of apples and any fruit. They liked broccoli the last time we ate it (YEAH!!). Seren loves cottage cheese and "nug nugs" (what Jeff got them calling chicken nuggets).
Favorite Toys: Doll strollers and their pink and purple babies that wave their arms around, puzzles and books, blocks. And of course the park or playground. We also side walk chalk quite a bit. They don't like sprinklers or such.
Their Accomplishments: They are potty trained (with the exception of nap and bedtime...although they are often dry when waking up from those). Their language has continued progressing like crazy. They jump, dance, hold hands and do well. We usually get out of the house without a stroller lately which is awesome. We're still usually using carts but for short trips they walk on their own.
Teeth: All of their teeth are in. I think Seren may be missing one molar so we'll see if it shows up. I need to set up a dental appointment still.
Sleep: They sleep about 11-12 hours a night. They usually get a 2 hour nap in the afternoon but sometimes they skip it.
Looking forward to: Fall...cooler weather so we can get out more in comfort. Hoping that Jeff can find a different full time job so he can begin working with his financial/investment job (it's a conflict of interest for him to pursue it with his current job since he does audits). Hoping also that this would mean not working his part-time job anymore either. Looking forward to finding out more about the possibility of doing a frozen transfer and also of moving forward with donating the remaining embryos.
Favorite memories: Their interactions...laughing, chatting, playing together, etc. Last night they were up to mischief and they did a "shhhhhh" with their finger at us and then ran off down the hall giggling (they were off to get leftover bubbles out of the bath to play with...headed them off at the pass).
Dislikes: They fight over toys more lately and have taken to pushing each other at times, followed by time outs. Kendall still has rough mornings and wants to be held during breakfast, but usually you can hold her a couple minutes and transition her to her own seat again. She is very sensitive emotionally at times (and completely normal at others). I am trying to read a parenting book on sensitive kids for suggestions even though she doesn't completely fit the profile. Also our pediatrician has recommended giving her some protein rich foods before bed to level her blood sugars.
Favorite Foods: Recently they can't get enough of apples and any fruit. They liked broccoli the last time we ate it (YEAH!!). Seren loves cottage cheese and "nug nugs" (what Jeff got them calling chicken nuggets).
Favorite Toys: Doll strollers and their pink and purple babies that wave their arms around, puzzles and books, blocks. And of course the park or playground. We also side walk chalk quite a bit. They don't like sprinklers or such.
Their Accomplishments: They are potty trained (with the exception of nap and bedtime...although they are often dry when waking up from those). Their language has continued progressing like crazy. They jump, dance, hold hands and do well. We usually get out of the house without a stroller lately which is awesome. We're still usually using carts but for short trips they walk on their own.
Teeth: All of their teeth are in. I think Seren may be missing one molar so we'll see if it shows up. I need to set up a dental appointment still.
Our Accomplishments: We made it through our road trip to Grandparents B with somewhat ease. We have made it through potty training twins.
Sleep: They sleep about 11-12 hours a night. They usually get a 2 hour nap in the afternoon but sometimes they skip it.
Looking forward to: Fall...cooler weather so we can get out more in comfort. Hoping that Jeff can find a different full time job so he can begin working with his financial/investment job (it's a conflict of interest for him to pursue it with his current job since he does audits). Hoping also that this would mean not working his part-time job anymore either. Looking forward to finding out more about the possibility of doing a frozen transfer and also of moving forward with donating the remaining embryos.
Favorite memories: Their interactions...laughing, chatting, playing together, etc. Last night they were up to mischief and they did a "shhhhhh" with their finger at us and then ran off down the hall giggling (they were off to get leftover bubbles out of the bath to play with...headed them off at the pass).
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