It Won't Be Like This For Long...

The girls are two weeks old now. Two weeks of loving them, feeding them, diapering them and loosing sleep. Oh sleep how we miss you :) hehe You have to laugh or you might cry from exhaustion. I just hope that Jeff is surviving. I try to take care of them at night the best I can with juggling but there are many times when I can't and Jeff is always good to get them from the crib, feed them or cuddle with them despite the fact he is exhausted. I hope we can get their schedules more on track with his.

Anyway during the hard times I think of how soon enough they will be bigger and sleep longer and then things will be a little easier. Then I think of the country song about this and how quickly they will grow and how much you'll miss it when it's gone. So I definitely try to enjoy the little moments and adorable babies that we have now and try not to mentally trade them in for babies that will sleep through the night. It always makes me teary eyed to think of them growing up so fast and getting bigger. Especially knowing this may be our only time with little newborn babies. But I'm so grateful that things worked for us and for Kendall and Seren to be here. I know they were meant to be a part of our family and I can't wait (okay yes I can) to watch them grow.

Crossing the line?

I have been thinking about the upcoming cycle more lately. It's basically a month from now that they will have egg retrieval and a month and a half from now I could be pregnant. Oh heavens I hope I am. I think more of the positive side of things and how good the chances are for someone with POI to get pregnant with donor eggs (usually the lack of eggs is the only thing holding them back). But I also stay realistic and realize it may not work. This morning I got ultra-hopeful though and actually looked up a hypothetical due date (if things were to go perfectly). It would be mid-January for a singleton and end of December if twins. I kind of hope to at least get into January if twins happen...I was hoping to avoid a Christmas baby. Man I hope I'm not crossing the line or jinxing us by thinking that far ahead...I'm sure it is a little crazy. I guess if it doesn't work this will be one of the first posts I will just delete. I don't think I'd want to be reminded of my craziness or the hypothetical that isn't needed.

I also have days with strange thoughts where I will just think of Jeff and I being child-free the rest of our lives. Or that maybe I will start doing foster care or shelter care. I always admired the families that did that when I worked for DCFS. I still don't know how I feel about adoption. I think I'm just so engrossed in the middle of this that I don't think on it. I would love to have kids but it doesn't terrify me to think of my life with Jeff and not having kids. I very much want to have a family with Jeff but if it doesn't happen I know we will find a new focus and outlook. Travel, photography, service or life as a hermit/recluse (HAHA only kidding). I really just hope we can get what we have worked towards though.

Long Term Outlook

POF has many facets for how it affects your life. Your ovaries basically shut down or stop working. This means that eggs aren't formed and it is the formation process (monthly cylce) and an active ovary that produces most of estrogen in a womans body and also produces some testosterone and other hormones. Without estrogen you run into problems with absorption of calcium and maintaining bone density and also cardiovascular risk. Basically you become prone to the same issues that a menopausal woman becomes susceptible to...but with POF you are at risk 20-30 years sooner. Most women with POF take Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) in order to counter the risks but even then you are still at risk of osteoperosis and heart disease. It's scary stuff.

I remember when I got over the initial infertility issue enough to worry about my health that I was terrified I'd have osteoperosis and I worried about POF upping my risks of hereditary heart problems. I asked my doctor about getting a DEXA scan (bone scan) for osteoperosis and he said it was unnecessary and I should be fine. That was another reason that Jeff and I went to the NIH in Washington D.C. because they performed standard tests for POF free of charge for their study. They realized that osteoperosis is a risk even in a 27 year old (at the time) woman when it comes to POF. Luckily I tested normal for bone density at the time but I should be retested every few years and take proactive measures like weight bearing exercise.

Anyway enough rambling. Basically this post was just to say that I am doing a research paper for my college course Biomed Core (biology and physiology) and I chose to do this on the long term health risks of Premature Ovarian Failure. I think it will be good for me to get more information and I've researched it before so I already know a lot of the material. I am interested to find out more detail about the risks though.

Some positivity...

I really do have life pretty good. I have a lot to look forward to in life and a lot of exciting things going on right now. We are in the middle of house shopping...the fun part of that is wearing thin but it's still something very exciting to look forward to. I am grateful for my family and to have good in-laws. I'm grateful to have such a good husband. I'm grateful for my friends who are always there when I need them. I do look forward to the day when we'll pursue having a family but in the meantime I am very happy with the family I have :)