Myth Busted: You were meant to go through this

Why do people think this is a supportive statement??  If I could say one thing to people who are trying to be supportive it would be:  Don't try to "fix" the problem.  Just express that you are sorry that person is facing such a thing and offer support.  I honestly think this would apply to many of life's crisis too.  I have no idea why people find it necessary to try to solve things that they can't.  It hurts to see someone you love hurting...yes.  It's uncomfortable at times to see them struggle...yes.  But do you have a magic wand or word that makes it go away...no.

For me this is not and was not helpful to hear.  Maybe for some it is.  I suppose maybe a better thing to say or do is just say you are sorry and ask what they need (to hear, to do, etc).  But for me I can't tell you the times I've been told that "God chose you to go through this because He knew you could do it" (they couldn't?) or "You are the type of person who was meant for this trial.  You would love a child any way it came to you" (they wouldn't?) or "He gives us trials to make us stronger and never gives us more then we can handle" (am I that weak to begin with?).  Truthfully living in a culture where religion is spliced together with every hardship you ever face was not helpful to me at the time.  Quite frankly I was already on bad enough terms with my maker after being diagnosed infertile that to hear people tell me He "chose" me for this grief really just made it worse.  Needless to say I wasn't really on speaking terms with God for some time and even now I'm just beginning to rebuild that relationship.

I have been blessed in the end.  My marriage was strengthened.  My appreciation of my babies is greater (and I love who they are and realize they wouldn't be if it weren't for the direction life took).  I did discover some inner strength.  I've been able to support others going through similar circumstance (trust me I've never told them they were "chosen" for it).  In general I've realized what a blessing children and family are and to truly empathize with those struggling to get there.  But I don't think that means I was "chosen" for this path.  We took a road less traveled and made the best of it we could.

I still don't think we are "chosen" for certain trials.  I think our lives are meant to follow a pattern of some sort I suppose but to say a higher power would purposefully put me through something like this makes me picture someone who is not how I picture Him to be.  Who knows, maybe I'll be proven wrong on the other side.

 Of course now in my thinking too I realize that there are things we can't prevent from happening to our children.  We try to protect them and guide them but sometimes bad things just happen.  Our purpose is to stand as a solid foundation and comfort to them when it does.  I suppose this is how I think of God.  He doesn't pick and choose my trials for me.  Sometimes they just happen.
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This post is in response to National Infertility Awareness Week.  Resolve has challenged bloggers to Bust a Myth regarding infertility.  Bring awareness of infertility by busting a myth yourself. 

Family of Four...

We are enjoying our little family of four.  It is interesting and definitely a world of difference when we are home at night.  We don't get out much I'm afraid.  Hopefully when the weather warms up more that will change.  I am so looking forward to spring and summer.  It's a nice day today and I'm pondering taking the girls out with me but they are sleeping and I don't want to throw them in their car seats just to go for a walk right now.  I do love the new stroller we got though (baby trend double snap and go) is going to be a huge investment I think.  And $75 is actually not bad for the purpose it'll serve...plus I plan to turn around and sell it second-hand when we're done with it.  I've gotten a number of things online for the girls lately (books, booster/high chairs and a play mat/gym).  I'm excited to try out the chairs and the mat.

The girls are getting bigger.  They both have double chins now and chubby cheeks.  So cute.  I'm guessing they are around 7 lbs or so each.  They are following us more with their eyes now and like to grab fingers (and hair...ouch) with their hands when we hold them.  We are just waiting for a real purposeful social smile still...they smile sometimes where it doesn't seem to be related to gas but they haven't started smiling back at us just yet.

My Supportive Hubby

Jeff and I watched a movie tonight called Couples Retreat. In the movie one couple is trying to talk three of their couple friends into going to a retreat for a group rate. The couple is having marital problems due to infertility and contemplating divorce over it. They say something like "it's been 12 long months" and Jeff and I just look at each other and laugh. It was humorous to us that they were making such a big deal out of 12 months. We have been dealing with this for 2 1/2 years (30 months) and there are so many people with longer and harder journeys.

Although I can totally relate that infertility can put a major stress on your marriage...I'm grateful it hasn't so much happened for us. Yes we've had our fights and emotional ups and downs but we've always stuck together. We've come out (so far) stronger and I'm so grateful to have such a support. A friend was telling me the other day that her husband went to his first ob/gyn appointment with her and that it would probably be the last. This surprised me as it's been a little while since her diagnosis (and I had assumed he went with her on those). I don't remember why, I just remember thinking how I was glad that wasn't me. Although I'm sure some appointments weren't so pleasant or comfortable for Jeff (some weren't for me either hehe) he has always been there with me. I think Jeff probably knows more about how a woman's body is supposed to work than the average woman. I can't imagine going through those kinds of appointments and bad news without someone to be there and supportive to me. I know her husband will be more supportive in the future and has been supportive in other ways but it just made me grateful for what I have.

How to be Supportive of Infertility

I was going through old emails and clearing out my inbox and came across one that someone sent me in reply to a complaint of a friend who I felt minimized me when I talked to her about how difficult POF and infertility issues have been. I think it's worth posting here. It is an article Resolve did on how to be supportive and gives a good view of what it's like for those that face infertility. It is however long so I won't take up all the space here. Here's the link:

http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie

Misconceptions

Over the past week I have talked to a couple of friends about the POF situation and I'm always kind of surprised at the misconceptions people have. Even after just talking in detail to one friend about the idea of chosing a donor that might look similar to me, a couple minutes later she says that she hopes that our kids will have my blue eyse. I don't understand what part of donor egg people don't get. It means that the starter cells will not have my DNA or my genes and therefore there is no possibility that the child will have "my" blue eyes.

Then in a conversation with a different friend about her house remodel she comments "we're saving for our house and you're saving for a baby". I asked how much her house remodel had cost so far (around $10k) and didn't bring up the cost difference alone that there was because I knew she would argue it. Instead I just say "well at least when you save the money and put it out there you're guaranteed a finished product" and she says "not necessarily". Uh...yes you are. You might have other projects and more money to go into it but generally speaking in terms of retail sales (Home Depot/Lowes included) you get what you pay for. Seriously where's the argument there? That is another misconception that really bothers me. People just think IVF is 100% effective and the solution. When in reality the average nationwide success rate is about 40% (only double the 20% success rate expected each month for regular couples) and 15,000 times the cost. It's not always a solution and it's not cheap. easy or guaranteed.

I have decided that I need to not worry about it though. People will never understand what it's like or the facts of it unless they've been there. I used to think it was worth educating my friends on, at least those I felt okay talking to. But with my friends it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I need to not be offended so much when people don't understand. I think I'm to the point where I don't feel a need to complain about it (at least for now hehe) because I feel more hopeful that things will work out.

Support Groups

I was just thinking today how grateful I am for support groups. I never really saw myself belonging to one. But then POF came along and I felt I had no where to turn and absolutely no one who knew what it felt like to have this happen. When I found the POF support group online I didn't feel like such a freak of nature anymore. And honestly the ability to know I wasn't alone and have others to relate is what really made me start coming out of the depression I'd fallen into and start getting back to living my life. I've met some wonderful women through that site and gained support from a network that wouldn't be possible if it weren't for modern technology and the internet.

In my patriarchal blessing through the LDS church it says something about how I will be blessed by the time and age of technology that I am born into. I haven't really thought about that a lot before until now but I am blessed by having modern technology, modern medicine and advances in these areas. And because of this I can still make the choice to pursue having children that will be nourished by my body and be part of me even if not biologically, despite POF. I guess that's why I can't believe that donor egg invitro is wrong. I believe in adoption just as whole heartedly but I also believe I was born at this time so that I could have the choice.

Still a glimmer of hope...

Despite the fact I know chances of a spontaneous pregnancy with POF are very slim I still can't give up the little hope I have left in that. They say there is about a 10% chance over the initial 10 years after occurance...guess that means I have about 8 years left haha. But I keep in touch with an online support group of other ladies with POF and I know that it happens because I read the stories. Recently a POF girl that I emailed a few times found out she's pregnant and she was diagnosed 8 years ago. That is what keeps me hoping and believing it can happen. I don't know specifically if it will ever happen for me but it happens for some and that is an equally awesome thing.