I Shot Myself...

Despite having numerous needles stuck in me over the course of infertility treatment, medical testing and donating blood I still have no fondness for them.  I'm not terrified of them but I can't watch when somebody sticks me.  It's a good thing PIO shots go on behind the scenes (literally haha).  Jeff has a work trip for a couple days next week.  So although it was tempting to drag the girls down south with him where it's slightly warmer we discovered I had to drive on my own and obviously would be spending most of the time solo with the girls in the hotel or other random places to entertain them.  Not really my idea of fun.  So I am staying home with the girls and responsible for my own stickings.  I've never done one before.  We've probably done around 90+ PIO shots now and I've been lucky to never stick myself.  I decided last night I'd better practice.  You know in case I'm a total woose and have to change my plan and make the drive.  Well I'm proud to say it came off without a hitch.  I didn't dare stab myself like a dart the way the clinic teaches you but a quick slide in of the needle and it was done.  Yeah for me!

I'm still feeling really good.  The hives haven't returned.  I still don't feel pregnant or sick and nothing is sore.  I'm freezing cold most of the time so I live in sweatshirts and take more warm showers than I should with winter and dry skin.  I still have mild bloat and no spotting to remind me that this is really happening.  I crave olives, eggs and homemade guacamole hit the spot the other night.  I am back to really wanting a deli sandwich too (like I did with the girls)...tell me I can't have something and it's all I want I guess.  Other than these things though I am feeling completely normal.  A little less than two weeks until the ultrasound now.  Still praying for one and still a little scared it's two.  We'll be happy and manage either way just know that of course one road would be easier than the other.

What I'm Doing Different...

They always tell you going into transfer to not do anything that you will look back and regret doing if the cycle doesn't work.  I usually live by that rule.  That and the first two days being really mellow.  The failed cycle I felt so sure on and so not worried about things that by late the day after transfer or maybe the next day I went to the grocery store for a few snacks and just to get off my butt.  I definitely don't blame those things but I wouldn't do that again.  I had the good twinges and assurance when I went and after I got home.  It wasn't until the hives happened that everything felt wrong and like nothing was going on.

Which, side note, no hives yet.  We're only down one shot but it left no marks or lumps or irritation.  Hoping it stays this way.  The sesame oil shots last time didn't cause hives for the first nearly-week.  I think I remember getting slight lumps before transfer from them but I just assumed it was due to the bigger dose (I can't remember what our dose was on the PIO the first cycle though).  Anyway, for this cycle the olive oil was compounded at a local pharmacy so the concentration of progesterone is higher, therefore we only have to do 1 ml doses.  Yeah!  I hope between it being olive oil and a smaller physical dose that reactions will be none or at least minimal.

But I still plan to sit on my butt for 3 days.  I don't want to take any small chance.  I won't be downing gatorade or water like a mad woman as I read that this is mostly advised for fresh IVF cycles to avoid ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS).  I plan to still eat some pineapple because #1 I love fresh pineapple and #2 What I remember reading on this is that it has more to do with the lining or something.  So why not?  But mostly the plan just revolves around trusting the new medication regimen, possibly probably putting two embryos back this time (if we have them) and just taking it really easy.

This has led to a frenzy of house cleaning and laundry doing prior to Tuesday.  I will not do laundry or cleaning or anything of that sort on transfer day or the two days after.  I plan to have PB sandwiches and premade type lunches and lots of TV time with my girls and basically be a bum.  Jeff is of course fine with this and encourages it.

Anyway on with the show.  I'll post a short update the day of transfer but other than that I'm hoping to stay away from the computer and Dr Google for the next two weeks.  Thanks for all the support.

Itching to Get My Beta....

Literally!!  This has been a very non-fun experience.  Especially the last 4 days or so.  Last night I had two giant hives on my backside.  We tried cortizone cream and it helped for maybe an hour.  And it didn't get rid of the stiff feeling of swelling in my back which is what hurt to sit, lean or sleep on and was more bothersome than the itching.  What a shitty way to end all of this.  Yep I'm admitting it.  I'm pretty sure it's the end of this one.  I would be shocked as hell if my beta came up with anything.  Which sucks cause I went into this so positive especially after the odds we were given.  I felt like things were working and noticed things that I didn't remember noticing with the girls.  Cramping, twinging, etc.  Now I don't feel anything different.  Part of me wonders if my body went crazy with the PIO reactions and had some autoimmune response, killing any chances.  I basically have two autoimmune conditions with Graves Disease and POF/POI so why wouldn't that be a possibility.

I've run out of ideas on comfort food.  I've had onion rings, chicken pot pie and hot wings in the last few days.  What's next on the menu?  Need to find the ultimate comfort food I think.  Deep fried mushrooms?  Ultimate Skillet at Village Inn?  French Onion Soup?  Kung Pow Chicken at my favorite chinese restaurant?  I guess there are still endless possibilities.  Wish the same could be said for other matters of business right now.

I think I'll buy one more test for the morning before the beta and call it a day.

Pressure Is On...

Well the little needle sticks with a little itching turned into small itchy bumps, and then itchy hives and now one big itchy hive that covers my entire left injection side.  One email about the itching and basic advice from the nurse about PIO shots and moving around the prevent lumps and if it got red, swollen or really itchy they might need to see me.

Well this happened:

Day 1:  Injection to left side on Saturday morning...Sunday morning it looked like this.

And then a couple days and one shot later it looked like this:

Day 3:  Left side swelling has gone beyond our Day 2 outline to see if it was getting worse

I emailed the IVF nurses once in between with a picture saying I didn't think it was normal but that I could handle hives and itching until the beta was done.  I never really heard back that day so I thought they were okay with my plan.  Then Day 3 (today) happened and I decided I better email them more directly (not through the mychart system via the hospital they are related to).  I emailed the IVF nurses a series of  the pictures directly and said I was pretty sure this wasn't normal or okay anymore.

I recieved a phone call a couple hours later that no this wasn't normal and that they didn't want me to wait until Sunday/Monday beta results.  Basically saying that sometimes when you've done PIO shots before that your body can build up a localized reaction to them.  It doesn't affect the progesterone but obviously isn't good for your sanity or tissue long term.  The nurse advised me that they do have a different PIO mixture with a different oil/base but that most pharmacy's don't just carry it so they would have to order it (most likely mail order it).  Since we don't want to be ordering more medicine if it isn't necessary they want me to go in for my beta early (Friday) and be sure to get same day results.  That way if I am pregnant they will know to order and get the process going so my body can stop reactions (hopefully).

I feel like a ticking time bomb.  Sunday was nice enough to go in for a blood test and I asked to go to a more local lab on Saturday and that was okay.  Now it's going to be on Friday instead.  The nurse assured me that they would be able to tell by a blood test by then if I was pregnant but to me it just seems so much closer especially since I have taken a couple pregnancy tests at home that have been pretty basically been negative.  So I feel like not much can change in that arena in the next 3 days.  Who knows in the end I guess...maybe it'll be better to get out of 2 week wait hell sooner than later.

She's Lump...

I've been trying to make up lyrics to that song for a day or two as my lumps have consistently been appearing after each shot now.  No more big bruises yet but lumps, some itching and even slight swelling from Saturday's shot.  I emailed the IVF nurses a picture of that because I'm concerned it could be an allergic reaction. Anyone know if that interferes with progesterone absorption?

Anyway I found another song to change lyrics on while watching Tangled with the girls.  From the 'I've Got A Dream' song if you want to hum along ;-)  Thought it might be good for a laugh...

"I've got lumps and bumps and bruises.  Sometimes my oil oozes. Let's not even mention my allergic reaction.  But despite my IVF woes and whether I'm pregnant well who knows, we really want this embie to make a good connection"

Earning My Stripes (or spots)...

Well apparently I have been earning my stripes with this cycle.  In the short time we have been doing shots this time I have two definite bruises to report.  How many did we get last time?  Zero.  No problems with soreness or bruises at all last time.  Worth it but wondering what's different.  I've only gotten a couple on my left side so far but the most recent is pretty bad and raised like a welt.  Does that mean bad progesterone absorption? allergic reaction?  We've noticed the needles aren't exactly 90 degree straight with the syringe so we haven't tightened them down as tight now and that seems to help the straight factor.  We'll see if it helps with the bruising.  Any tips to avoid bruising? or help with current bruises?

Left side spots.  Right side is still clear for now.  Don't be sad Mom ;)  Love ya

Needles...

The wheels are turning so quickly now it seems surreal.  The pharmacy for our clinic sent the progesterone in oil and needles today.  I have to say when I opened the box my stomach made the same familiar drop that it did 3 1/2 years ago.  The site of needles (lots of needles) is the reckoning point for me every time.  This time I remember (although somewhat vaguely) the lack of fun that is shots.  Jeff says that he hated this part and was afraid last time of doing it wrong.  I am feeling a little more wary this time probably due to a lack of blood tests and needles in my skin for a while.  At least we know all the tricks to doing shots this time around.

I am starting to find my stride though and trying to keep focused on the positive possibility.  My mind does remind me of the very real chance of it not working though.  We've been so lucky and didn't have to experience a failed cycle.  I worry about the feelings that might come with that.  I know it's devastating for so many and I wish it never had to be the case, especially  with infertility.  Maybe it's our turn to be on the other side of that fence though.  I do feel grateful for our girls every time I think of that.  I don't truly fear a failed cycle yet (I'm sure I will) because we would still have these great kids.  Sometimes I even feel selfish for wanting another chance instead of donating all of the embryos to the other couple.

We would love to add one more to our family but only time will tell on that.  We have only shared with our parents this time that we are trying another cycle.  There are more sensitivities this time around with close friends recently going through a second trimester loss and Jeff's sister and brother-in-law being amid infertility struggles themselves.  Sometimes I think it is hard to be excited when you know the hurt going on for others at the same time.  Just a balance of hope for them and for yourself.  Here's hoping...for us all.

10 week ultrasound and last shot...

Jeff and I went to our first ob/gyn ultrasound and prenatal appointment yesterday. I was still nervous a little but once the nurse said they'd be doing an ultrasound I settled in. She also asked about medical history and periods and all that mumbo jumbo (she couldn't find my chart...prob cause it was under my maiden name there) and I told her about the IVF and my POF diagnosis. I figure I am being upfront with my medical professionals as I want these babies to get the best care and have all medical knowledge upfront for those needs.

Next we waited in the ultrasound room for Dr L. I unfortunately had the displeasure of wearing two giant napkins for clothes (makes me realize I really liked the actual cloth drapes that UCRM used). Dr L came in the room and was very pleasant. She told me congratulations and seemed to remember a little about my history (I was the second person she ever diagnosed with POF so it didn't surprise me). We told her we had done IVF and had a 6 week ultrasound for twins and she was very happy. She asked if we had been able to use any of my eggs and I told her no we had used a donor and she was all smiles and said "well that's okay they are still your babies". She was just very sweet. She asked about symptoms like nausea/vomiting and I told her I hadn't and asked about the stomach bug I had around 7 weeks and she wasn't concerned with it. She did an exam and some other tests and then did the ultrasound.

She skimmed over the first baby so quickly and settled on the other that to me seemed bigger that I got a little worried. But she said both babies looked good and did measurements on the one first before going back to the other. She pointed out the little flickering of heart beats and we were able to see each baby moving their little arms. I started tearing up and crying a little at that point. I don't know if it was relief to see they were okay or just excitement to see something that looked like a baby and it became more real. Jeff was very excited too and held my hand as I wiped away tears with the other. Dr L congratulated us again and was just genuinely so happy for us and asked how long it had been since we started our journey and was just about right on in her estimate. She said she was sorry that she wouldn't be here for their birth and I told her I was disappointed she was moving but grateful she hadn't yet.

After the ultrasound confirmed all was okay Dr L did mention to me that she was a little concerned that I didn't have morning sickness but that all was well so I should count myself lucky (oh and I do). She let me get dressed after that and then came back and brought some information for us and talked to us about the risks of twins and also prenatal care and weight gain (35-45 lbs for twins). I'm not looking forward to that but I have lost about 10 lbs so maybe it won't take that into account and I can consider it more like 25 lbs from where I was HAHA

This morning we did our last PIO shot. I can say that I won't miss those, although in honesty they weren't really bad they just got old day-after-day. I'm also discontinuing my estradiol pills at this point and will just be taking my vitamins (prenatal and prob start recommended iron and calcium supplements also) and my thyroid medicine. Yeah! I'm kind of normal now :)

Anyway we are so excited and feel so lucky. I can't say it enough that I hope this is motivational to anyone dealing with IF or POF or considering DE IVF. I hope it's not hurtful or anything like that. I also hope you humor me in posting pictures as this is also a blog for us to remember and to share with family.

First shot...

This morning we did our first PIO shot. After watching a few videos on youtube and getting instructions from Nurse G this wasn't too bad. I was glad that Jeff was in charge of the sticking and not me though. We decided to do them in the morning as we don't want to worry about injecting me during a night out with friends or other activities. Preparing the shot was the hardest part as the oil is difficult to draw out. But the actual shot wasn't bad. I was expecting Jeff to hesitate more but he just asked if I was ready and then did the shot right after. I can't say I look forward to many more shots but I'm kind of hoping for a couple more months of this (if it works most REs have you do PIO until 10 or 12 weeks pregnant). Here's to 10 more weeks and 70 more shots...yeah! How do you get excited over that...well try being in IF shoes and you will understand :)
*a picture of our new morning routine...needle is 1 1/2" and 22 gauge :P

Also we are told the donor is doing well and responding beautifully. Someone from UCRM called me yesterday (she was pleasant and exciting to talk to)...she was very positive about the donor and how she looked and wished us luck. They do retrieval tomorrow and then hopefully we'll know more later that day. I don't really expect to know a lot until Monday though. Here's hoping though.

Romance and Lining Checks...

You wouldn't think these two things go together but during our weekend they did. Things have been progressing well. I was recently going through a discount card from my old job that was expiring next month and printing off coupons. I came across a local B&B that was offering a discount. I thought of how I wanted to surprise Jeff with something romantic and fun to show appreciation for the support he's been with the DE IVF appointments and just all the infertility stuff leading up to this. He's been my sanity and rock. Anyway I decided on a whim to schedule a night stay. I contacted Nurse G regarding schedule and any "conflicts". She advised we were to start abstinence the week prior to retrieval but other than that to have fun (I really like her a lot more now that I see she is organized and caring).

Anyway this left me with one weekend available to schedule this. I reserved a room (Venice...bed and couch are set in a "gondola" and other fun amenities) and then on Sunday morning while Jeff played a game on his computer I secretly packed a bag for us and got his work clothes ready for the next morning. Luckily for me we had agreed to dinner in Salt Lake that night and then Jeff suggested a "pointless drive" to cross another item off my list (it's fun that he's picking up interest in the list).

It went so smooth and he didn't suspect a thing. I drove on the way back "home" and even more luck struck and there was an accident on I-15 with expected delays so I told Jeff I was getting off the exit to avoid this. He didn't suspect anything until I missed the turn to head north still. It was perfect. He was surprised and appreciative and it was fun to be somewhere fun and relax...I love surprising him and treating him (okay treating us) to a relaxing time since I know the next few weeks will be worrisome and stressful. It was much needed.

We went to the lining check appointment the next day (everything looked good) and my ovaries are still raisins which was a relief for once. We were told the donor is responding well and although they don't know for sure yet she appears to be doing as well as her first two cycles. We also met with Nurse G and were given instruction on how to do the PIO shots (which should start Thursday) and now we are armed and hopefully ready for the next step. I think we're both getting more nervous but we're also hopeful.

Two weeks...

Well we are now two weeks away from our expected 5-day transfer date. I was planning out a little surprise for Jeff (more on that later) and realized as I looked at my school, work and IVF calendars (haha yah they're fun to juggle) that it was coming down to the wire.

Anyway it is so close and I think we're both excited and nervous. We don't talk about it much. We talk about remembering our pills and future appointments but not the actual possibility. I for one am perfectly okay with this as the less I talk or worry about the positive or negative (literally) the less I feel freaked out. I am generally excited and have good feelings about it. But I also know that nothing is a sure thing. I am not excited to start PIO injections next week and Jeff is not either. He is so sweet and concerned about them and hurting me. I think it will be okay although it definitely won't be the most pleasant thing I've done. I'm going to submit a refill with Medco on my prescriptions as I'm worried about them delaying or being late and if things go well we'll need them immediately...so hopefully it's not a waste of money.

I used to think I would compare this to waiting for Christmas. And some days I do a little...it could be a really awesome gift at the end. But most days it's more of a feeling that I'm waiting to take a big test and maybe if I study hard enough and focus enough (eat well, take my pills and live healthy as possible) that maybe we'll pass the test at the end. I hope so.

Sinking in...

First off...let me amend the insurance comment and post by saying...eh you're okay sometimes I guess. Medco finally came through on the prescriptions and I received the first of my medication (4 bottles of PIO (progesterone in oil), a bottle of estradiol and 20 syringes). Nurse G was saying that the PIO was $37 per vial through their preferred pharmacy and I just got 4 vials for $30, free syringes (YEAH! something for free) and relatively cheap estradiol...so that was a nice little perk. Plus they are on refill now so I will be able to have more sent without the hassle (I hope). Seeing the syringes for the first time in person kind of made me a little bit nauseous. I'm not afraid of needles but the idea of an intramuscular shot isn't so pleasant. Hopefully that won't be too bad though.

I also went to my credit union and withdrew the majority of funds we have in there. It made a nice pretty check that I will be giving to Jeff to deposit in our other account so we can pay it easier to the credit card. When you're dropping this kind of cash it's nice to even get a 2% reward back right? That coupled with receiving the meds in the mail is really making it sink in for me. I am excited but gosh am I nervous too. And I am a nervous puker (TMI I know)...so I can just tell now that before this all comes down that something else will be coming up too.