Positive Spin

I have found myself complaining a lot lately or feeling bothered by things.  Petty things.  Stupid things.  I have everything I need in life and yet I get down on myself or things out of my control.  We had plans to travel next year...Disneyland with the girls and then France without them.  Both plans have been scrapped now in order to accommodate our new lifestyle (the getting by and hoping for better one).  And I've felt complaint over this.

Then as I talked to my good friend online yesterday I listened to/read her complaining about money.  The friend that has virtually free babysitters and both she and her husband work.  I kind of doubt they have real actual money problems (but I guess you never know).  But it made me think...if she can complain about it then there must not be a happy medium in the world for it.  She worries about affording an entire bathroom remodel and I consider a new bathroom mirror (which she told me was $40-60 at the cheapest) and decide that's definitely not in the budget.  Two different worlds of worry over money.

So I've made a decision to get rid of this attitude and live to realize "good enough" is damn near great (as a friend's blog puts it...okay I added the damn near great part).  But seriously I want for nothing.  I am lucky enough to be home with my girls and to watch them grow up.  I am blessed with a great man to share my life with and who sacrifices for us.  I am super lucky that I have my girls (no more complaining about POF or infertility here either; okay maybe a little complaint over hormone wackiness and "was that a hot flash I just had?" thoughts).  But to complain about my road with infertility implies unhappiness in how it turned out.  And I am most definitely beyond thrilled with how it turned out.

And as for money.  So far we've been really lucky there too.  We both have work unlike many Americans these days .  At just the point when my husband changed jobs, and before we realized how tight money might get, I was offered some on-call hours back with the hospital.  Work that works entirely with my schedule with the girls.  Talk about a God who knows how to provide for our little family at just the right time.  I don't know how long my job will last.  But for now it brings in a little extra money and I'm grateful for it.  I hope they keep me around and going until the end of the year but we'll see.  I have no room for complaint about money.  We are provided for.  That's all that matters.

So I am doing my best from here on out...in life and in blog world to not complain.  To realize my blessings.  And who knows maybe even help others to realize theirs too.  Here's to a new positive spin on life.

Choices and Sacrifice...

Being a stay-at-home-mom isn't always the preference of every woman.  I love being able to be home with our girls.  But it's not like it doesn't come with sacrifice.  And it's not like there aren't days where I long to be back at work or making some money.  But we made this decision for me to be home when things were easier.  And basically out of necessity also.  Two infants in daycare is not cost effective, especially with what I was doing for work.  We also don't have family close enough to help in watching our kiddos either.  And even that is definitely nothing I would expect for free.

So when my friend says something to me in the realm of "it's not like I get to be home with her all day like you do" in regards to her daughter.  And I hear this tinge of jealousy and "your spoiled" attitude behind it.  I want to roll my eyes.  I believe she'd rather be home with her daughter.  But they've determined to continue their lifestyle and use family for free daycare in exchange for occasional babysitting or whatever arrangement they have.  I honestly don't believe it's not possible for her to be home but rather a choice made.  I don't know their financial situation exactly but have an idea that it would be similar to our own (minus one kid), especially now that Jeff's job has changed.  Can I say I wouldn't make the same choice to bring in some money if we had the options for "daycare" like they do?  Not really...I probably would.  I would be sad to leave the girls behind (even with family) but it would be nice to contribute more than I'm able to now.  I am working part time at night for now, kind of a God send during our current financial situation.  So that is nice.

So while my husband and I joke about "Ramen Wednesdays" and realize that we'll probably be giving up future vacations and other luxuries to pay for life, our friends are going out to eat frequently, splurging on fun activities and I'm sure saving nice chunks of money.  So really...if she wants to complain about leaving her kid behind to go to work all I have to say (or at least think) is that it's her choice.

**I am not making an argument or commentary one way or another for stay-at-home moms or working moms.  I definitely can see the benefit to both.  Heck if I made good money that would balance out daycare I think I would have a lot more inner debate on the topic with myself.  So I guess maybe it's kind of a weird blessing to not have much choice right now.

Myth Busted: Won't it be weird...

Won't it be weird to carry and have a child who isn't genetically yours?  Okay so I've probably read or seen this online more then I've actually heard it myself.  Part of that is probably due to the fact the donor egg aspect of my children's make up isn't something I openly discuss with everyone.  Even some of those that we have been open with don't necessarily understand the depth of my diagnosis and what was required for me to get pregnant.  I don't openly discuss this with a lot of people due to the fact I feel it isn't my information to share.  I believe that these girls should have an understanding of how they came to be before anyone else.  Yes we have talked to some immediate family about it...after all we don't want the girls to say something about it to grandma or grandpa and then feel it is "shocking" or "shameful" news based on the reaction of someone who was uninformed.  We want them to have a support to understand it's totally okay and normal.

But anyway I lose my train of thought.  Was it weird to carry these kiddos who are genetically unrelated to me?  Heavens no.  Pregnancy was weird in itself sometimes...realizing a human being (or two in this case) were growing inside me.  Yah that part was sometimes mind boggling.  But that was the only thing I ever considered strange.  Perhaps my pregnancy was different in that I don't remember thinking very often, "I wonder what they'll look like".  I felt like I had no idea.  I hoped that they would look like Jeff somewhat and I was excited about the mysterious part of them I didn't know.

Is it weird caring for and raising our kids?  (yes...our kids...not Jeff's or someone else's...they are 100% ours).  I couldn't imagine anything more natural about caring for, raising and loving my babies.  Kendall and Seren are  the second best thing to ever happen to me.  The first being that I met and married my best friend who has taken every step of this journey with me.  I look at them and see myself.  That probably sounds silly to some. I don't see my physical self.  But I see my nurturing self...the part that will undoubtedly have an impact on who they become also.  I feel like the way we raise them and teach them is the way we pass on what truly matters...not their eye/hair color, smiles and other traits.

Family of Four...

We are enjoying our little family of four.  It is interesting and definitely a world of difference when we are home at night.  We don't get out much I'm afraid.  Hopefully when the weather warms up more that will change.  I am so looking forward to spring and summer.  It's a nice day today and I'm pondering taking the girls out with me but they are sleeping and I don't want to throw them in their car seats just to go for a walk right now.  I do love the new stroller we got though (baby trend double snap and go) is going to be a huge investment I think.  And $75 is actually not bad for the purpose it'll serve...plus I plan to turn around and sell it second-hand when we're done with it.  I've gotten a number of things online for the girls lately (books, booster/high chairs and a play mat/gym).  I'm excited to try out the chairs and the mat.

The girls are getting bigger.  They both have double chins now and chubby cheeks.  So cute.  I'm guessing they are around 7 lbs or so each.  They are following us more with their eyes now and like to grab fingers (and hair...ouch) with their hands when we hold them.  We are just waiting for a real purposeful social smile still...they smile sometimes where it doesn't seem to be related to gas but they haven't started smiling back at us just yet.

What loss?

I have been thinking about how my attitude has changed a lot since originally being diagnosed with POI (primary ovarian insufficiency; this is the term I should use since the medical community is trying to adopt it). I think the thing that hit me the hardest back in the day was the loss of genetic connection to a child. I was heartbroken over not having a child to look or behave like me. Now a couple years later I kind of think of how self-centered that seems. Sure there will be people who try to tell us that our child looks just like me or nothing like me (whatever the case may be) but who cares. Our child will be just that...our child. He or she may have not been created in the same way that a majority of babies are but that won't change one iota of how much we wanted them and worked for them and how much they are our child as we are their parents.

I was thinking at work the other day about how I'm just excited to be a mom someday. And as I was thinking about it I realized that the genetic factor didn't enter my mind at all, in fact I was even more excited to think of how this child may take on some aspects, appearance, personality and health wise, that I wouldn't be able to give them. That although I hope our kids will look a lot like Jeff, I'm very curious to see the peices of them that will be a mystery. It was like I didn't feel a loss anymore (although I'm still jilted at the healthcare and insurance system hehe).

I just want to be a mom someday. I don't know when that will be and I don't know how it will happen but I believe it will. I'm excited to see what this wonderful child will look like and be like. I'm even more excited to share that whole process and experience with Jeff. I think we will make great parents some day. I hope that day isn't as far off as it seems at times though.