Donor Egg Books

The other night I read the One More Giraffe book to the girls.  I received this book when it was introduced to the PVED board and free copies were offered.  I was recently pregnant with the twins and had been looking into ways to introduce and talk about the donor egg aspect of their make-up as they grew up.  There isn't a lot out there sadly.  I enjoy the simpleness of this book and the matter of fact way it has of dealing with the topic.  It's definitely not written for adults, as I find it kind of corny and brief, but I think it's a good introduction for young kids.  I also love the idea of Mommy's Garden shared by Keiko (from another friend of hers).  I don't expect that the girls will really have in depth questions about it until they are older and understand more about biology and how babies may typically happen for other families.

 I hope I'm prepared for the simple side of things in the meantime.  I definitely have no shame about how we were given the best gift ever and how through that we were able to have these beautiful girls.  I have no doubt that they are my children and I am there mom.  I hope they never doubt that either.  I hope that they never feel shame over their unique story.  I know that we are a huge part and impact on how they will accept it and themselves.  I don't want us to treat it like a huge deal because it's not.  It's how life came to us and it's how we decided to pursue a family and I couldn't be more grateful that the technology and ability for us to take that route was there.

My question for any donor egg mom's or those pursuing or thinking of it....Are there any books you recommend??  Thank you.

The world of twins...

In case you've ever wondered...twins will get commented on every time you go out.  I wouldn't say I ever get sick of people adoring my kiddos...what's not to adore right?  But it does somewhat get old to hear and answer the same "twin" questions over and over.  A few memorable ones have been..."Oh you have twins" and someone in the same group as this person "are they the same age?"  (huh? yes...they are twins after all).  And then yesterday a little girl about 3 or 4 years old asked her mom, "why does she have two babies?"  Okay so some of the attention is fun and I'm sure that it will diminish as they get older.

Also it is a lot of fun to see them interact and see their personalities were/are different so early...even from week one.  Seren is still our social butterfly.  She loves people.  She will smile and "talk" to just about anyone.  Kendall on the other hand is slower to warm up.  She loves to smile at her dad and Grandma Draper and she warms up to me pretty easy now.  Can you imagine a baby who is/was slow to smile and giggle for mom?  It happened.  They also like to lay  by each other and smile, coo and reach out.  Kendall will grab at Seren and Seren will smile at it, until she finds her movement restrained by Kendall's grip.  I usually put them at arm's length so that accidental eye gouging or scratches don't occur.  Although now they often have wiggled closer when I've been out of the room for a few minutes.  They reach out for each other's hands and sometimes will (I'm sure not 100% purposefully) hold hands.  It really is such a treat to have twins and see this interaction everyday.  It's no wonder that twins are ahead of the curve for social interaction.

This is new...

Thanks to Brenda at Hope Springs Infertile: Now with two little sprouts I have my very first experience with blogging awards.  Thank you Brenda :)  Hmmmmm...so anyway according to my understanding I am to share 10 things about myself and then tag some fellow bloggers or recent blogs I've been following.  I also picked up a new blog to follow from Brenda's list (yeah...I love finding/following new people through connections)

10 Things About Me:

1.  I'm writing this at 11:16 pm as Brenda said to use my "spare time" hehe (twins are asleep and hubby is too)

2.  DH and I cleaned and spit-shined our house this past week/weekend in effort or contemplation of selling it.  Now we are in limbo deciding if we really want to list and I'm wondering how long the "clean" will stick.  Plus he owes me a Blondie for all the last minute clean-up today (you are my witnesses).

3.  I have recently tried to take up making smoothies for breakfast due to the fact Double Chocolate muffins from Sam's Club are 600 calories a piece :(  I'm hoping the smoothies are an improvement.

4.  I don't like competition or comparing.  I have a good friend who tries to compare her almost 3 month old's developmental milestones to my almost 5 month old twins.  The great thing I've found with twins is that I realize that babies develop differently...different strengths and aspects at different times.  No I don't think your kid is a genius for rolling over, sleeping, laughing or anything else.

5.  I have always wanted to test drive a mini-cooper.  I am 6'1" so I'm sure I would look ridiculous in one but it doesn't stop the dream.

6.  DH and I are planning a trip to Paris, France in May 2012.  I am excited but it hasn't set in and I worry about leaving our kiddos for 2 weeks...but the plan is already in motion.

7.  I am completely in love with my kids.  I do not regret for one iota of one second using DE IVF to have them.  They are precious and 100% mine.

8.  I am often reminded in blogger world how lucky I am and was to have had a smooth twin pregnancy.  I credit this to my height.  Some days I think strangely that maybe God made me tall cause he knew I would need it.

9.  I love cookie dough...I used to make batches of dough just to eat, then I discovered Pillsbury cookie dough tubes and was in heaven for a while.  Now I try to restrain myself because my metabolism is shot since radiating my thyroid and having POF/POI (ie major hormone malfunctions).

10.  I have the best husband in the world.  He puts up with a lot and does a lot and still tries to put up with and do more.  I am lucky in so many ways in my life.

My Blogs of Note:

Hope at  http://journey2eggdonation.blogspot.com/ (I enjoy reading about her journey and miracle daughter)
Amber at http://youandmenowiswe.blogspot.com/  (I just started following her and hope to hear more)
Amy at http://amy-ourjourneytobecomingparents.blogspot.com/ (let's face it this is a bribe to get you to post an update hehe)
Sweet Georgia http://babydancings.blogspot.com/ (I enjoy her perspective and similar time frame to mine)

Yah I'm really lame...I can't see anymore that haven't been awarded this already.  It's a small blog world apparently.  I apologize that most of the blogs I follow now are donor egg or contemplating donor egg or somewhere in that realm.  I really like to read the perspectives and experiences.  Thanks to everyone for sharing a special piece of your lives :)

Myth Busted: They won't want me if I can't have kids...

Infertility can strengthen a relationship.  Infertility can destroy a relationship.  For us, infertility was there from day one in our marriage.  I met my wonderful husband in August 2006 and began seeing my doctor at the end of that year, after skipping my period for four months .  I didn't know there was something wrong at the time.  Even with the proposition of POF by my doctor in early 2007 things in my life kept taking their course.  I mentioned to Jeff I was seeing the doctor for some issues but never imagined POF would really happen so I didn't tell him that part.  About the time that Jeff and I began talking about marriage and looking at rings and all of those fun things some not so "fun" news came.  My doctor wanted to do a last ditch effort of putting me on the pill for 6 months but it was fairly certain that I did have ovarian failure despite only being 26.  In May 2007 I decided I would lay all my cards out on the table to Jeff.  I couldn't have kids.  We weren't engaged and I didn't expect him to stay with me with this 99% certain diagnosis.  Jeff didn't balk.  I somewhat felt he was putting on a brave front or the "things will work out...it's just a fluke" that I felt up until then.  I told him that I wanted him to really think things through and understand what it would mean for us if he were to stay with me.  I basically gave him an out and told him I'd understand if he took it.   He agreed to think about it only at my request.  Infertility didn't stop things though and in June we were engaged and in October 2007 we were married.

Among wedding planning and newlywed bliss I think we both somewhat forgot about the impending truth.  At the end of November my prescription ran out and early December resulted in a blood draw and a final doctor's appointment.  Bring your husband.  It couldn't be good news.  I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure and basically no chance, beyond a miracle, of having kids on my own.  It really hit that time.  I was devastated and broke down in tears in front of my doctor and Jeff.  I felt betrayed by my body and like in some small way I had betrayed or tricked Jeff into marrying me.  I was depressed for months.  I went about my job as mindlessly as possible and then would come home emotionally exhausted.  For weeks, Jeff would come from work to find me in bed crying or sleeping.  I would cry myself to sleep.  He had no idea what to do for me.  He would lay down beside me and just hold me.  What else could be done.  As time passed things generally got better.  But we had our bad times too.  We had fights over it or things related to it.  There were a couple of time where I didn't know if we would make it through.  But we did.

I never once felt like Jeff didn't want to be with me be with me because of infertility.  For some I'm sure that was or is a determining factor.  For me it was only another reason to realize that he would love me no matter what.  I have been so greatly blessed by having such a wonderful man in my life that despite my pushing him away at times refused to leave.  I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am both in how he treats me and now in how he treats our girls.  I am so lucky.  We are so lucky to have him.

Sometimes I think how little we both knew about the real impact that infertility would have on us when we agreed to take it on together.  But together we did.  In the beginning I didn't want to burden him with my issues.  But that is the wonderful thing I've learned about marriage, it's pure design is so that husband and wife can help bear one another's burdens.  It doesn't mean the burden is lighter as a whole but it certainly helps to have someone sharing the load.

Allowed frustration...

Sometimes after all the work and desire we put into getting the girls here I wonder if I am at all entitled (prob the wrong word) in having frustrations with them.  Today was a rough day for whatever reason.  We were stuck in all day with rain and then it began snowing and Jeff was home late from work.  I got cranky and tired and the girls were also cranky.  We weren't a good match for each other.  I generally find myself just frustrated with feeling unable to care for two kiddos at the same time.  But I will admit too I get frustrated with Seren's colic...it always seems to hit at bedtime and sometimes she can cry and scream for hours.  I feel so bad for her but it's difficult too.  It is also hard too during the day to be alone with them (thus the feelings of shortcomings with myself).  Especially if they both get to crying at the same time and it's not due to hungry tummies (the easy thing to fix).  I do love them so much though and wouldn't trade a million sleep filled nights for the time we will lose sleep with them.  I adore our daughters and I love to watch them grow and discover things around them (Kendall is obsessed with her feet lately and Seren is so cheerful and social when she isn't cranky with gas).

Anyway I think that being infertile and finally being granted your wishes doesn't mean you can't have off days too.  You rarely if ever hear or read of someone in our shoes complaining or saying it's tough.  But just because we fought to get here doesn't mean things are simple and easy now.  I just think that honesty should be put out there.  I hope I don't upset anyone who is still trying or in the midst of diagnosis or anything else.  Believe me I am grateful every day that we have such beautiful kids and each other together to raise them.  It is a huge blessing and my heart is so full of love for them.  It amazes me how much I can love them when there is no apparent ability for them to even love me back at this point.  I finally kind of understand how my mom would say I couldn't understand how much she loved me until I had kids of my own.  She was right.

Family of Four...

We are enjoying our little family of four.  It is interesting and definitely a world of difference when we are home at night.  We don't get out much I'm afraid.  Hopefully when the weather warms up more that will change.  I am so looking forward to spring and summer.  It's a nice day today and I'm pondering taking the girls out with me but they are sleeping and I don't want to throw them in their car seats just to go for a walk right now.  I do love the new stroller we got though (baby trend double snap and go) is going to be a huge investment I think.  And $75 is actually not bad for the purpose it'll serve...plus I plan to turn around and sell it second-hand when we're done with it.  I've gotten a number of things online for the girls lately (books, booster/high chairs and a play mat/gym).  I'm excited to try out the chairs and the mat.

The girls are getting bigger.  They both have double chins now and chubby cheeks.  So cute.  I'm guessing they are around 7 lbs or so each.  They are following us more with their eyes now and like to grab fingers (and hair...ouch) with their hands when we hold them.  We are just waiting for a real purposeful social smile still...they smile sometimes where it doesn't seem to be related to gas but they haven't started smiling back at us just yet.

It Won't Be Like This For Long...

The girls are two weeks old now. Two weeks of loving them, feeding them, diapering them and loosing sleep. Oh sleep how we miss you :) hehe You have to laugh or you might cry from exhaustion. I just hope that Jeff is surviving. I try to take care of them at night the best I can with juggling but there are many times when I can't and Jeff is always good to get them from the crib, feed them or cuddle with them despite the fact he is exhausted. I hope we can get their schedules more on track with his.

Anyway during the hard times I think of how soon enough they will be bigger and sleep longer and then things will be a little easier. Then I think of the country song about this and how quickly they will grow and how much you'll miss it when it's gone. So I definitely try to enjoy the little moments and adorable babies that we have now and try not to mentally trade them in for babies that will sleep through the night. It always makes me teary eyed to think of them growing up so fast and getting bigger. Especially knowing this may be our only time with little newborn babies. But I'm so grateful that things worked for us and for Kendall and Seren to be here. I know they were meant to be a part of our family and I can't wait (okay yes I can) to watch them grow.

My greatest blessing...

My greatest blessing right now is Jeff. Having a husband who supports me no matter what and never complains is the biggest blessing. He doesn't complain about the fact that money is tighter now with me going back to school and that we can't afford things like we did before. He doesn't complain that my time is spent with work and school for the most part. He is just always very supportive and patient with me. I love him so much and I'm so grateful to have him in my life. We talked a while back about how things were and we were with POI before we got married. He told me that when he was thinking about marrying me that he thought of how POI could mean we might never have kids AT ALL (on our own or with DE IVF or adoption). He wanted to be with me despite all of that. How many women can be ironically "lucky" enough to know that...that their husband loved them enough even faced with that type of possibility that they still stuck by their side. I love Jeff so much and I'm so grateful that we're in this life together!!

What loss?

I have been thinking about how my attitude has changed a lot since originally being diagnosed with POI (primary ovarian insufficiency; this is the term I should use since the medical community is trying to adopt it). I think the thing that hit me the hardest back in the day was the loss of genetic connection to a child. I was heartbroken over not having a child to look or behave like me. Now a couple years later I kind of think of how self-centered that seems. Sure there will be people who try to tell us that our child looks just like me or nothing like me (whatever the case may be) but who cares. Our child will be just that...our child. He or she may have not been created in the same way that a majority of babies are but that won't change one iota of how much we wanted them and worked for them and how much they are our child as we are their parents.

I was thinking at work the other day about how I'm just excited to be a mom someday. And as I was thinking about it I realized that the genetic factor didn't enter my mind at all, in fact I was even more excited to think of how this child may take on some aspects, appearance, personality and health wise, that I wouldn't be able to give them. That although I hope our kids will look a lot like Jeff, I'm very curious to see the peices of them that will be a mystery. It was like I didn't feel a loss anymore (although I'm still jilted at the healthcare and insurance system hehe).

I just want to be a mom someday. I don't know when that will be and I don't know how it will happen but I believe it will. I'm excited to see what this wonderful child will look like and be like. I'm even more excited to share that whole process and experience with Jeff. I think we will make great parents some day. I hope that day isn't as far off as it seems at times though.

All the small things

I was just thinking how a lot of things I do and think about or decide on come back to this POF journey that Jeff and I are now on and the chance at having a family someday. I hate my job right now and I'm on the border of quitting. I get discouraged at the thought though because I think how will we save more money for donor IVF or adoption if I'm making less money. But then I think of how it can't be healthy for my body to be under this kind of stress all the time. The doctors have never been able to determine the cause of my ovarian failure was autoimmune but I have a feeling that it is and stress just makes autoimmune things worse generally.

I wonder what it would be like to just have kids the "old fashioned" way also. To just picture these future kids that are like both Jeff and I. To not have to save thousands of dollars for the chance at having kids. What would it be like? I don't ever think of having kids that will look like me. A friend made a comment about how Jeff and I wouldn't be able to have short kids if we tried (since we're both over 6 feet tall) and I just bit my tongue and rolled my eyes since he's aware of the ovarian failure and donor egg stuff. I mean who knows what the other half of this kid could be like. I don't play a genetic role in that at all. I know that people just don't understand what that means but it frustrates me still.

Then I have a friend who works for LDS Family Services with birthparents and adoption. I asked her about openings and applied but then I started thinking...how would I be in that capacity? Would I help or hurt the situation? Would it be beneficial or hurtful to me? I started reading stories on her blog the other day and just felt tearful and depressed. I don't see how I could find this a less stressful option then I'm already in. Social work, or at least the options I work with or used to consider a good match, just don't fit me anymore. All because of this new outlook and position I'm in. Nothing seems to be going right anymore.

Support Groups

I was just thinking today how grateful I am for support groups. I never really saw myself belonging to one. But then POF came along and I felt I had no where to turn and absolutely no one who knew what it felt like to have this happen. When I found the POF support group online I didn't feel like such a freak of nature anymore. And honestly the ability to know I wasn't alone and have others to relate is what really made me start coming out of the depression I'd fallen into and start getting back to living my life. I've met some wonderful women through that site and gained support from a network that wouldn't be possible if it weren't for modern technology and the internet.

In my patriarchal blessing through the LDS church it says something about how I will be blessed by the time and age of technology that I am born into. I haven't really thought about that a lot before until now but I am blessed by having modern technology, modern medicine and advances in these areas. And because of this I can still make the choice to pursue having children that will be nourished by my body and be part of me even if not biologically, despite POF. I guess that's why I can't believe that donor egg invitro is wrong. I believe in adoption just as whole heartedly but I also believe I was born at this time so that I could have the choice.

The Christmas Feeling...

Man I'm complaining a lot lately. I realize that I am but it feels better to have it out there then stewing in my brain. We got a Christmas card from one of my old roommates yesterday that announced they were expecting their first child. It was cute and a fun little way to announce things I guess. But I just had that feeling of envy again. I kept it to myself for a while but later that night I just sat with Jeff in front of the Christmas tree in tears. I kept thinking "I don't want to be them...I just don't want to be me". I don't have a strong desire to have a kid or to be pregnant so it's not like I'm jealous of them...I'm just so jealous that they can do that and make that decision and get there.

I wish too that it hadn't been announced around Christmas. I'm sure to the couple who can get pregnant the normal way that it seems like the perfect time to announce that type of thing. But to the person or couple who can't it just feels like a slap in the face at a time of year when you may already have a tough enough time being around family and all the kids and kid-oriented stuff. Last year I was depressed because I found out "officially" that I had ovarian failure and now this year that announcement just reminded me again (just in time for Christmas).

I hope that my mood improves for tonight as we are having family over for Christmas Eve. I suppose there are many people who have it worse off this Christmas and I am grateful for all I do have. I guess there are things we will always envy about others...my sister-in-law envies our new house and I envy her with her three cute little kids. Time to just be happy with what we have right and for the ultimate gift that we were all given through Christ's birth.

Overcoming jealousy

I've never really been one to be jealous. I've been happy with what I've been given and I've typically tried to get what I didn't have. But I feel like now with all this POF/infertility stuff that maybe I won't be able to get what I want. Lately I am jealous a lot when I see others with children. Not jealous that I don't have one but jealous that it seems so easy for them to get there. There weren't thousands of dollars saved and spent for most of these babies to be conceived. There weren't thoughts of if it would ever happen for some parents either. I don't really understand how it would feel to think that way...I feel like I've never been able to think that way. I don't even put sex and getting pregnant in the same thought process anymore...sometimes it doesn't even occur to me that that's how it usually works for most people.

Jeff and I went to a family gathering tonight. It was with my Aunt and Uncle's family and kids and my immediate family too. My Aunt and Uncle have 4 kids and a number of grandchildren. No fertility troubles going on there. I love kids and I love being around kids but I just kept thinking: why me? why us? why of all the things that could happen did this happen? I just felt so jealous of them and of these cute kids. These cute kids that look like their parents. I want things to be easy or easier like that. But I can't do anything to change it...I just need to find a way to overcome this type of jealousy.

Grateful for what I have...

I am very grateful for what I have in my life. I have a wonderful family, an incredible husband and more then enough blessings to be grateful for. I had a good Thanksgiving and enjoyed spending time with some of my family (sister, Aunts and Uncle) and also with Jeff's family.

I love spending time with and playing with my nephews and with Jeff's neices and nephews. I enjoy children and I enjoy feeling a little bit like a child when I play with them or explore new things with them. It makes me realize that I have the ability to care for and love little children even though they aren't mine. I think it also helps me realize that even if I'm never biologically related to my children that I will love them just as much. I don't know it just makes me feel good to be around little ones whereas before it made me feel I was missing out on something.

The Things People Say...

It's interesting the spin on things that infertility gives. I was supervising a visit with a family and their 11 month old on Thursday. The grandmother to the child was asking my opinions on parenting and daycare resources with my job. She knew from a previous visit that I didn't have children so I was appreciative that she still wanted my opinion.
Anyway we talked about the dangers of daycare with young children and I joked that it almost makes you wonder if having kids is a good idea in this world. She just said oh you will and you'll change your mind when you have yours. She just made it seem so simple. That people just have kids and it's easy to get there. And it just reminded me of how simple it can be and how simple it hasn't and won't be for us. I do think it will all be worth it though.

Being normal is not necessarily a virtue...it rather denotes a lack of courage

This past year I've had a lot of thoughts and longing for a "normal" life. I wanted to think about my future outside of the realm of saving for donor egg invitro or adoption and just be able to wishfully think of what I would do or be like if we were able to have kids on our own. I had been trying to figure out how and why ovarian failure happened to me so much and trying to figure out how Jeff and I would ever have kids that I lost a great deal of "normal" in life. And instead of placing things aside and trying to be normal I dreamed of ways I could change myself to be and have normal. But I'm not going to change, my health situation is very much unlikely to change, the chances of me ever getting pregnant on my own are not going to change...so the one thing that can change is my attitude. I've made a decision that I will go about my life like anyone else and that Jeff and I can plan on children just like anyone else and eventually when the time is right and things align for that goal then it will happen. Being "normal" is all about the perspective and attitude you have of it.

Also I was watching "Practical Magic" today (one of my favorite movies) and I've seen it over a dozen times but today this line really popped out at me: one character states all she wants is a normal life and the other woman says... "My darling girl when are you going to understand that being normal is not necessarily a virtue...it rather denotes a lack of courage." And it's so true...it doesn't take courage to go about things the normal route. It takes a courageous person or in our case a courageous couple to take on a different route and courage to realize that even though it's not how you always thought it would be...that in the end it still will be and it will happen someday for us too :)

Strange Jealousy

I've been dealing with this for a while now. It's one of those things you don't pay attention to until you realize things will be different for you. I was diagnosed with ovarian failure/insufficiency in 2007 when I was 27. Since then Jeff and I got married (been married almost a year now) and for the first true time in my life I started feeling like I wanted a family someday. But because of my body failing we'll have to go about things quite differently in that area of life. The only reliable options for a family at this point are adoption or donor egg invitro... meaning I will genetically pass on nothing to my children.

I've started noticing more recently now how kids can look so much like their parents...I especially notice this with little girls that look so much like their mom. I used to imagine or picture this little girl I would have one day and how she would have my blue eyes or quirky smile. Now I realize I'll probably never have that and I'm insanely jealous of those that do. It seems like such a strange thing to be jealous of but I am. I hope that I'll come out stronger at the end of this trial because at the moment I feel like this has made me realize nothing but my weaknesses and they are many. Just my thoughts right now.