Not So Great Timing...

My best friend suffered a miscarriage at 15 weeks in September of last year.  They knew for several weeks before that the baby was at a high risk for miscarriage or birth defects and at minimum heart problems and surgeries at birth.  They had tests done for chromosome and genetic testing and found out it was a boy and gave him a name.  Unfortunately at a follow up appointment with the specialist the baby didn't have a heart beat.  I had been watching their daughter for them to attend this appointment and was one of the first people to hear the news.  We cried together.  I put a reminder in my phone for her due date.  I wanted to make sure I remembered them and their baby that day.

We had our failed FET cycle the following month in October.  We had started the process before we knew of their loss.  I told her about it just prior to our transfer when the subject of more children came up.  She was one of few people that knew about the cycle and one of the first people I text the news of the negative result.  She was very supportive of us also.  We prepared for another round amid their "waiting" period to be able to try again.  Shortly after our failed cycle her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.  They put all energy and focus on this and said they didn't want to have a pregnancy to worry about on top of this.  Talk about having your plate full.  

Anyway, during this cycle she watched our girls the day we had the transfer since we were still keeping it private from Jeff's family.  She was supportive and would ask how I was feeling.  Even with the positive home tests I wanted to keep it to myself...some normalcy until the blood test result was in.  Then as the reminder for the beta test came up so did my reminder about their due date, which was four days after our beta results.  I felt bad telling her.  She said she was excited for us and was supportive again.  Then we were texting a few days later and she mentioned they should be having a baby this week.  I told her I remembered and how sorry I was.  I told her how I still hoped we would be on the crazy pregnancy train together again (our girls were born two months apart with our first pregnancies) and she said she did too, that they were trying again but this month wasn't the winner.  

Infertility and loss are such a messy place to be.  Just like our pregnancy with the girls I didn't want to share both out of my own fear and out of worry for her feelings.  I guess we were lucky the first time to share the news so close together despite being a couple months apart.  Now all we can do is to keep hoping they will be making an announcement of their own soon.

And despite trying not to be a worry wart you can't really help but be one after the things you read online and from other bloggers, not to mention all of the friends in real life who have had losses and scares.  I really hope that we are blessed with a smooth pregnancy.

Disclosure and Other Thoughts...

As Kendall and Seren develop such an amazing vocabulary and understanding of things around them I find myself thinking a little more about the disclosure of donor egg.  I suppose that has a little to do with my recent thoughts on the subject also.  I know it's not urgent and I know it will come with time on it's own.  After all what barely-three-year-old really asks or wonders how they came to be.  Maybe some do but our girls are far too busy with other things.  Those who have children old enough what has been your first step in talking about it? and at what age?

Sometimes when we talk about them as babies and how small they were we'll talk about how they were in my belly.  Or when they see pictures of little babies on my friends' Facebook pages I will talk about how they were once so small.  They like to hear about it and see their baby pictures.  But so far words beyond "mommy and daddy had some special people help us to have you" haven't been needed.  Their story is so near and dear to my heart.  I always have overwhelming gratitude to this woman we'll never know and to the doctors and process that made it possible for me to experience pregnancy and for us to be parents to our amazing girls.  I can't think of the events and people who made it possible without getting emotional.  Our journey wasn't easy but it was so beyond meant to be.  

Yesterday, I found myself reading about POF/POI on the Stirrup-Queen's blog diagnoses section.  It states "autoimmune diseases producing anti-thyroid (Graves’, Hashimoto’s) or anti-adrenal (Addison’s) antibodies often result in creating anti-ovarian antibodies thus inducing POF". Although I've often believed something to this effect as well as my RAI (radioactive iodine) treatment of Graves being tied to my POF this is the first real tie together of the two that I've seen.  It was almost a relief to feel more justified in this belief.  The fact that my body attacked itself still upsets me.  That the only thing I have to blame for my infertility and dependence on thyroid medicine and HRT is myself.  My body which can't seem to discern between my own cells or endocrine system and foreign bodies (however exactly it happens with autoimmune issues). Of course in the next breath and thought I have to be extremely grateful for my body.  It did what it was supposed to do in getting pregnant and carrying twins to nearly full-term.  It brought me my greatest blessings and these perfectly made children.  I try not to bad-mouth my body for that reason but it frustrates me to rely on medication and worry about health problems that may arise due to this.  I guess we all have our faults though right.  

Blah-Like Thoughts...

I always think about it.  The money aspect.  The money that goes into trying.  Money for drugs.  Money for appointments, ultrasounds, procedures, etc etc.  It seems like there is just one big hole sometimes.  Granted the first $22,000 brought us blessings beyond measure and to a point where we can take less expensive chances.  But it still makes my head spin when I realize that other couples don't spend anything in the process of creating their families.  Not with infertility though.  So expensive.  And yet I feel like I shouldn't complain too.  I know of so many who spend so much more with nothing to show for it.  I feel lucky that we were doing well enough with our finances to have taken our first chance with success.  I suppose the frozen cycles have been harder different to plan for as we have tried to pull money together more quickly.  This has left us saying "well we still have less debt than a lot of people" and hoping that it's worth it.   But I always find myself thinking about the other things the money could be used for.  Like today as I cleaned house I thought of how it would be nice to have new carpet to get rid of stains and wear or to finish our basement but nope that will have to wait.  Heck I'd settle for just having some money in our savings for a rainy day.  But I guess this is our "rainy day".  A few more weeks and we'll know if its a monsoon or a sprinkle.

It may seem horrible of me too but I've been noticing more articles that bother me about pregnancy and parenting the old fashioned way.  Things like you both love each other so much that you want to create this child who is a perfect blend of both of you.  That you see your chin, nose or even features that you never liked about yourself in a child and all the sudden you love that feature.  I guess for some stupid sub-conscious reason it feels like these people just maybe experience a deeper connection to their children than I have with my own.  Like I said silly and probably selfish train of thought that has followed reading these things.  I know I'm not missing anything in reality.  I know a greater love for my girls than I ever really hope to understand.  But the feeling and thought still happens like a tiny little pin prick in my mind or heart.  I don't really miss them looking like me.  I don't notice them looking like anyone in particular most of the time even though Kendall very strongly resembles my husband.  I know they both pick up on my idiosyncrasies and way of thinking/being and that how I parent them is shaping the very most important part of their being.  But the little twinge still sometimes comes up.  I didn't think it would again.  And although it's still very rarely it bugs me that I even give it a minute of my thought.  I imagine it's primarily due to the pursuit of another munchkin and revisiting all of my health issues that make our conception story so unique.  I know it's not a short coming on their part or my own and I'm sure there are other sides of the coin to worry about when you find yourself with a mini-me to parent.  I hope to and imagine that if we are successful that the thoughts will again fade into the background.  And if we aren't I know that it will be in the far reaches of mind again.  And leave no doubt, I am still very much wanting another sweet baby who will be as much a part of my heart and soul as my sweet girls are.

Holidays and Hopes...

We have been having a wonderful holiday season.  We have been busy with my parents and the girls have been soaking their time together which I love.  They get so excited to get in the car and go see Grandma and Grandpa at my siblings homes.  I can only imagine their excitement when it's our turn to have them as guests.

I am scheduled for the endometrial biopsy on Friday.  They had availability today but I opted to do it after Christmas.  I'm a little more nervous for this one as I know it can't be comfortable and I've only been instructed to take about 800 mg of Ibuprophen before hand.  I hope there isn't too much to it.  I hope that it does the job in increasing our odds of success, which is our reason for having it done.

I had a dream the other night that we went in for a transfer and our RE told us that the embryos were some of the worst quality they ever transfer and that it might not even be worth it at this point to try.  I don't believe in dreams telling the future but more of just an escape for your mind and expressing subconscious or conscious thoughts.  I know I've thought about it more and worried more.  I've considered the idea of thawing both straws and seeing which ones make it and which seem to be growing the strongest...if they would allow us to do something like that.  I worry letting them thaw and try to grow would cause them all to not make it though.  We haven't talked about it with our RE either so it's a question to address at Friday's appointment.  I also hate the idea of thawing both if that means wasting some or throwing a second chance out the window.  But then I stress at the idea of money also.  Although I'd rather live with and pay a little debt then feel like the wrong decision was made.  We are tentatively set for a transfer the week of January 22nd.  I'm definitely beyond more cautious about the idea of it now.

But in the meantime I am excitedly awaiting Christmas with our girls.  I have a big project from Santa to still finish tonight when they go to bed but I love it and they will love it I'm sure.  Excited to do some fun last minute baked goodies with the girls (yep I need to join procrastinators anonymous).  And quickly following Christmas will be Kendall and Seren's 3rd birthday on Saturday.  Our busy and over scheduled time of the year for sure but what a blessing.

I hope all of your projects and shopping is done (unlike mine) and I will get around to another post in the new year.

What a Relief...

Transfer went smoothly.  Poor Jeff got a stomach bug or ate something so he was throwing up the night before and that morning.  So although we hadn't planned it he stayed home from work for the rest of the day after the transfer and didn't go to either of his jobs.  It was kind of nice to just have us all chilling at home.  We discussed our plans of one vs two being transferred the night before.  Jeff was okay with transferring only one if the odds were around 25-30%.  You can see how twins have scared us off of the possibility of twins again...love them but sleep deprivation, difficulty breastfeeding and juggling two babies is killer.  I was okay with just one if the odds were around 40%.  Our clinic has an average success rate with frozen cycles of around 40% with average transferred being two or slightly over two.  So we agreed to somewhere around 35-40% being a good average.

We had traffic and sickness issues, along with dropping the girls off with my in-laws, and were 15 minutes late getting to the clinic.  Our attempt to call was met by a machine and their office hours not being open until 8 am (the time we arrived).  They didn't act like it was a big thing.  We still waited just as long or longer in the transfer room so I didn't feel so bad.  Dr M was the transferring doctor this time.  We had never met him but he was very warm and easy to adjust to.  He brought out my file and a picture of the two embryos that had survived the thaw.  One looked great and the other looked okay.  He explained one was in great shape and the other was moderate to good.  Our odds transferring the one would be around 50-60% with a 5% chance of twins he told us.  What the what!!  I couldn't believe it.  I think the sigh of relief could be heard from both Jeff and I.  Dr M continued that the success rate to transfer both would be around 60-70% with a 30% chance of twins.  We were over the moon to have such good odds with one and immediately agreed to just transfer the one.  We asked about the stuff that seemed to be growing next to the embryos and were told that they were hatching and that this was a good sign as well.  I was given the Valium and had some giggles from that and then the transfer was done, the obligatory wait was over and we were sent home.  Luckily after picking up and taking the girls home they were happy to oblige us in an early afternoon nap due to their early wake up call.  Our entire house crashed for a few hours and it was wonderful.

Now the front room is littered with Gatorade bottles, the TV has been playing Yo Gabba Gabba and I've been chilling out today with the girls on my own.  Following my same regimen of liquid intake suggestions (mostly Gatorade) and eating fresh pineapple as I did with our fresh cycle but opting to skip the Raspberry Leaf tea this time (man that was gross last time).  I also have not been as strict on my "bed rest" but how can I be when I still have two little ones at home to care for.  I've taken it easy for sure but haven't grounded myself to the couch.  It's been a nice change.  Now we just wait and hope (and Google a little of course).

Decided to add a picture of the little ones.  We used the larger blastocyst and the other was donated for research.

Complex Inferiority?

Do you ever feel inferior?  Not even that.  Do you ever feel or think others see you as inferior?  That their children were created so easily or so "normally" or whatever it may be and your children were brought about by so much hard work and fought for with tears and shots, needles and (at least in our case) another woman's eggs.

I've never felt inferior myself.  I have never felt my children are or were.  Not in my eyes.  Not in the eyes of close family that know the details.  But sometimes I wonder just a little if behind closed doors if there is a twinge of people (okay let's face it mainly our close friends...the only people outside of family that know anything about the donor aspect; but also I've been more open about the infertility and IVF that even not so close friends know that part) and sometimes I wonder if these people are thinking "I'm glad he/she is 100% both of us" and "Isn't it awesome that we were able to create this life without all of that technology".  Like when my friend tells the story of her first ob/gyn prenatal appointment she never leaves out the part of the doctor saying "you guys did it all on your own" (a year of trying and then after a few months of Metformin they got lucky) as if it's a huge accomplishment.  Yeah!  Go you!  I'm glad that they didn't have to go through more.  But sometimes I feel cheapened (not exactly the right word but hopefully you get it) by the fact I couldn't do it on my own.  Probably not in a million years.  I'm definitely not hung up on that fact anymore but sometimes I wonder what people really think about infertility and ART treatment and procedures when I'm not there.

Do they feel like they are better than me?  Or their children are?  Do the fertile feel superior to the infertile friends they might have?  Are they simply grateful they weren't in those shoes or are they actually somewhat smug about it?  Or do they not even consider that my story or your story could have been theirs?  Maybe this is just my insecure side thinking and speaking.  I really don't think I'm inferior (if anything I feel a little above equal because we worked for it so hard) and I am beyond blessed to have what I have in my life...no matter what road it took to get us here.  But I sometimes wonder about this kind of thing.

Donor Egg Books

The other night I read the One More Giraffe book to the girls.  I received this book when it was introduced to the PVED board and free copies were offered.  I was recently pregnant with the twins and had been looking into ways to introduce and talk about the donor egg aspect of their make-up as they grew up.  There isn't a lot out there sadly.  I enjoy the simpleness of this book and the matter of fact way it has of dealing with the topic.  It's definitely not written for adults, as I find it kind of corny and brief, but I think it's a good introduction for young kids.  I also love the idea of Mommy's Garden shared by Keiko (from another friend of hers).  I don't expect that the girls will really have in depth questions about it until they are older and understand more about biology and how babies may typically happen for other families.

 I hope I'm prepared for the simple side of things in the meantime.  I definitely have no shame about how we were given the best gift ever and how through that we were able to have these beautiful girls.  I have no doubt that they are my children and I am there mom.  I hope they never doubt that either.  I hope that they never feel shame over their unique story.  I know that we are a huge part and impact on how they will accept it and themselves.  I don't want us to treat it like a huge deal because it's not.  It's how life came to us and it's how we decided to pursue a family and I couldn't be more grateful that the technology and ability for us to take that route was there.

My question for any donor egg mom's or those pursuing or thinking of it....Are there any books you recommend??  Thank you.

What makes a parent?

My sister and I watched the movie Chaos Theory a couple nights ago.  It has Ryan Reynolds in it and he's pretty entertaining.  The movie took a twist I wasn't expecting however.  *Spoiler Alert*  The man is organized to the extreme and his wife sets his watch back 10 minutes as a joke.  Anyway it screws up his whole schedule and day and through a series of events he discovers that his 7 year old daughter isn't his genetic child.  He comes to find out he has Klinefelter's Syndrome which in the movie the doctor tells him makes him completely sterile (although wikipedia states it causes reduced fertility not sterility).  Anyway apparently his wife did not realize it wasn't his child either so it wasn't like she was lying to him.  During one scene he confronts his wife about it and asks about the little girl "Who is her father?" and the wife keeps saying "You are" and giving examples of things he has done for his daughter...staying up nights with her during a fever, supporting her school work, adoring her as a baby and all of these things.  It kind of made me teary and sad for his character in relating to finding out that kind of knowledge in such a way.  But at the same time reinforced the idea that the father/mother or parent is the one that steps in and takes care of, adores and raises the child.  It doesn't discredit that someone else's genetics are involved but it also gives credit to (hopefully) what makes a parent and who a child will consider their mom or dad.

It also makes it easier to understand the importance of being honest with a child's history and makeup.  Although this story makes it seem that all parties involved were unaware of things playing out how they did.  I just couldn't imagine a child finding out that kind of information later in life and how confusing and emotional that would be.  We are in the "tell camp" when it comes to donor egg in vitro.  I guess you never know what is the right way to handle things or how a child will take this information but I hope that we are going into this with a clear head and I hope that keeping it simple and forthright will make it easier to understand and accept for our girls.

Reflections

I am taking up a "homework challenge" from Keiko at Hannah Wept Sarah Laughed to review some of my old and beginner posts and reflect on how I've grown and changed during this infertility struggle and journey.  I was basically diagnosed with POI/POF around age 26 and fully diagnosed at 27.  I was devastated and I used to feel irritated or bitter toward women who were older than me and were able to get pregnant.  My initial diagnosis was the darkest time I can recall in my life.  I started this blog about a year after that diagnosis.  Sometimes I wish I would have started it right from the beginning to really see the changes in attitude but I was definitely in no place at that time to be able to share that pain and insecurity with anyone.  I felt like a failure.  I felt like a disappointment.  I felt betrayed by my own self.  Anyway so I can't share with you the worst part of my travels but I'm sure it mirrors a lot of what many infertile people may feel.

As to reflections of posts that began my blogging.  I noticed a lot of gratitude for my husband and I can never express enough how much his support got me through.  I wouldn't claim he's the only person who could have or would have pulled me out or gone through it with me but I think he was the best person for the job.

I also look at the things that I was so worried about missing out on with children.  I was worried about not sharing looks and eye color and genetics.  Of course that is such a normal thing to be sad about initially but it honestly never crosses my mind anymore.  I think of how beautiful my daughters are and how much I love them and I can't imagine why those things mattered so much.  I realize these are the after thoughts of someone who has been lucky enough to be where I am and in no way consider it wrong for other's to mourn that loss.  But I really can tell you that it is such a null and void thought on this side.  I also worried about my feelings being less connected or attached to my kids based on the missing genetic link.  I couldn't be further off base with this worry.

One of my favorite posts of reflection was this one regarding "normal".  I was so wrapped up in being normal for the first year of my diagnosis and hoping and praying for miracles to happen and for us to conceive on our own that I missed out on a lot.  I'm glad that we had time on our side.  I'm actually glad at this juncture that I wasn't diagnosed during attempts to conceive and instead that it happened before I was even married.  It taught me about true love.  It helped me to grow and learn (and for us to save a butt load of money) before we pursued our donor egg in-vitro attempt.  It was actually a blessing in disguise even though I felt it was such horrible timing then.

So I end with a quote I still love today:
My darling girl when are you going to understand that being normal is not necessarily a virtue...it rather denotes a lack of courage. - Practical Magic-

No one who is required to go through great measures to achieve their dreams of a family can really say it's the "normal" route but it's the route we're given and we're all courageous for taking it on in whatever fashion we do.  So props to all of the infertility community out there and for all of your amazing courage.

Thoughts on IVF and ART (resources)...

In regards to disclosure:
I have definitely discovered in talking more about infertility in my real life that there are many people I know who have some infertility issues themselves.  I don't discuss the donor side of things due to my personal thoughts on that related to the girls but I make it no secret that IVF was a part of them getting here.  Heck even when strangers ask me "were they a surprise?" or "what side of the family do twins run on?" I tell them "nope they weren't.  We had some help" and if it goes further (it usually doesn't) I tell them it was IVF. 

This happened over the past weekend.  I went to a baby shower with my good friend L and the twins stayed home with Jeff.  L likes to bring up to people that I have twins when they aren't in tow.  I guess so I don't feel child-less or something when others bring their babies or talk baby.  It doesn't bother me (her mentioning it).  Anyway this shower was primarily people I didn't know with the exception of L and the mom-to-be.  L brought up the twins and one of the older ladies said something like "I bet that was surprise".  I said that it wasn't and that we had some help to which she gave a somewhat blank look so I added it was through in-vitro (ie IVF).  Nothing more was really said other than how much work and how much fun it must be. Afterward L said she really was surprised and kind of thought I put myself out there for discussion (not that this was bad thing just I think she is a little protective in her eyes).  She said that these people were so wrapped up in themselves though that nobody really cared to ask more.  I didn't really think of it that way, although it could've been true.  Honestly IVF and ART are so common place these days that I don't think most people bat an eyelash when they are mentioned.  

IVF and ART in general: 

Although common I also believe IVF and ART methods are grossly misunderstood or uneducated on.  Unless you've been there you don't really know what goes into it.  But of course most people also know not to ask such personal questions beyond those above or similar ones.  

Sadly most people don't understand what assistance can be given prior to the "last resort" of IVF either.  A family member has gradually been asking me more and more about our path to children.  Nothing in depth really but more in regards to the possible success of it and the cost of it.  I had an idea he was considering this as an option for he and his wife.  He brought it up in that way the last time we talked and I asked if they had done any testing yet (it didn't sound like it) and suggested there were also other things to be done before IVF was considered generally.  It sounded like this actually surprised him.  Which surprised me.  I assumed that most people even considering IVF had pursued or at least were aware of other less expensive options first.  Of course I also assumed that when others pursued IVF that they were aware of national success rates of clinics being available and posted (I also discovered this assumption was incorrect when my best friend from high school told me their first clinic was one that doesn't report to the CDC or SART  (not sure why) but it was the only one they knew of; when my friend's first IVF attempt with this clinic failed they were told they had 0% chance of conceiving.  They have since gone on to get pregnant with twins twice and have 3 living children and 1 angel through IVF with ICSI ; bite it crappy clinic).  Seriously??  I just feel like the medical community or the basic educational system is doing a great disservice to infertile couples.  How can doctors diagnose a problem like infertility and then leave their patients to flounder in a diagnosis they don't know how to deal with or which routes are available to them.  Why are the resources and information not given to people dealing with this?  

When I was officially diagnosed with POF/POI by my ob/gyn I had only been married for a little over a month.  But my doctor (bless her) suggested clinics in the area that could help us if we did decide to pursue things.  She recommended one based on her own experience.  So thank goodness I went to someone who had an idea of what it was like to go through infertility and what resources I might need.  I had to research and find a POF/POI support group and here, a PVED support group (I hope it's still at this address...I know there have been some changes) and SART and clinic success rate sites myself but at least I was given a stepping stone for hope.  It just infuriates me that some are not and don't know what is available, both for treatment of infertility and treatment of health and mental health problems that infertility can cause. 

Goodness that turned into a tangent....ooooops (kind of).  Anyway the point I am getting at is that IVF and ART are not things to be ashamed of in most circles and that when we keep being ashamed of them it just adds to that taboo (I was nervous and a little embarrassed to talk about them at first).  And that we need to empower ourselves, others and expect the medical community to empower us also when it comes to infertility.

Twin Mom Guilt...

We hung out with our good friends last night.  It was really nice and enjoyable.  I felt like I was finally able to talk to my good friend about the infertility stuff and not be downplayed or belittled.  But first off it started off with some twin questions.  She asked if I ever wondered if Seren would be less of a crier or panicky if she were able to be on her own schedule (ie not be a twin but an only child).  I didn't really take it offensive but at the same time was thinking, "why does it matter? that's not the scenario we have so why wonder?"  I honestly think Seren would be very similar to how she is whether she was a twin or not.  It's interesting to see that Kendall and Seren have basically met in the middle in my opinion.  Seren has actually mellowed out a lot (I think mostly because the colic stage has passed) and Kendall has become more demanding at times (probably because she sees it working for Seren).

Unlike some twin moms who learn by surprise we had a pretty good idea from the beginning.  We were given a 40% + chance of twins based on the donor's history and the appearance of our embryos.  And sometimes I do feel guilty for them being twins.  Guilty that I can't pay attention to them enough or give them enough one-on-one time.  I catch myself thinking "I'm sorry that I put you in this situation" when one or both of them is having a really hard day and I'm trying to juggle loving on both.  I used to feel more guilty about it (often crying because I felt inadequate for them) so things have gotten better.  I wonder if most moms of multiples feel this way.  Just inadequate and somewhat guilty that they can't do enough.  I suppose that's another reason it bothers me when my friend compares developmental milestones of our children...because I feel I've put them at a disadvantage.  But in reality I know they will develop just as normally (they have so far) as any single child and will actually be better off for learning to share, socialize and be more patient right from the beginning.  They are lucky to have each other and have a sister who is their same age.  I'm excited to see them grow up together and have that special relationship.

On the other plus side, like I was saying, I really felt like my friend and I somewhat connected on the infertility stuff for the first time.  It has been a looooong while since the topic has truly been broached.  We both got to talking about whether we would have another child.  They plan to and my DH is settled while I'm not 100% sure yet.  She asked what we would do if we had twins again and I told her I wouldn't open it to that possibility (explaining more of the DE IVF stuff and only putting back one embryo).  Then she asked about the donor and how we had gone about picking someone.  I always thought I would be offended a little by people asking about the donor (no one really has yet...not very many family or friends know) but I wasn't offended.  In fact I was almost excited to tell her about the way things had worked out and how I really felt good about things and making the right decision once our donor was selected.  It was just a good conversation and I was also able to reiterate my concern/request with privacy and not talking to anyone else about it, explaining that Kendall and Seren deserve to know and understand and later share that information how they see fit and it's not really my place or choice beyond what Jeff and I feel is necessary to keep them "safe" emotionally (if that makes sense).

I really feel like fate led us down this route and I am so lucky to have the kiddos that I do.  They are so special and I hope I live every day as their mom making sure that they know that.  Every child is special of course but I like to think children brought to parents with infertility struggles are just a little more then most.

Myth Busted: Won't it be weird...

Won't it be weird to carry and have a child who isn't genetically yours?  Okay so I've probably read or seen this online more then I've actually heard it myself.  Part of that is probably due to the fact the donor egg aspect of my children's make up isn't something I openly discuss with everyone.  Even some of those that we have been open with don't necessarily understand the depth of my diagnosis and what was required for me to get pregnant.  I don't openly discuss this with a lot of people due to the fact I feel it isn't my information to share.  I believe that these girls should have an understanding of how they came to be before anyone else.  Yes we have talked to some immediate family about it...after all we don't want the girls to say something about it to grandma or grandpa and then feel it is "shocking" or "shameful" news based on the reaction of someone who was uninformed.  We want them to have a support to understand it's totally okay and normal.

But anyway I lose my train of thought.  Was it weird to carry these kiddos who are genetically unrelated to me?  Heavens no.  Pregnancy was weird in itself sometimes...realizing a human being (or two in this case) were growing inside me.  Yah that part was sometimes mind boggling.  But that was the only thing I ever considered strange.  Perhaps my pregnancy was different in that I don't remember thinking very often, "I wonder what they'll look like".  I felt like I had no idea.  I hoped that they would look like Jeff somewhat and I was excited about the mysterious part of them I didn't know.

Is it weird caring for and raising our kids?  (yes...our kids...not Jeff's or someone else's...they are 100% ours).  I couldn't imagine anything more natural about caring for, raising and loving my babies.  Kendall and Seren are  the second best thing to ever happen to me.  The first being that I met and married my best friend who has taken every step of this journey with me.  I look at them and see myself.  That probably sounds silly to some. I don't see my physical self.  But I see my nurturing self...the part that will undoubtedly have an impact on who they become also.  I feel like the way we raise them and teach them is the way we pass on what truly matters...not their eye/hair color, smiles and other traits.

Myth Busted: You were meant to go through this

Why do people think this is a supportive statement??  If I could say one thing to people who are trying to be supportive it would be:  Don't try to "fix" the problem.  Just express that you are sorry that person is facing such a thing and offer support.  I honestly think this would apply to many of life's crisis too.  I have no idea why people find it necessary to try to solve things that they can't.  It hurts to see someone you love hurting...yes.  It's uncomfortable at times to see them struggle...yes.  But do you have a magic wand or word that makes it go away...no.

For me this is not and was not helpful to hear.  Maybe for some it is.  I suppose maybe a better thing to say or do is just say you are sorry and ask what they need (to hear, to do, etc).  But for me I can't tell you the times I've been told that "God chose you to go through this because He knew you could do it" (they couldn't?) or "You are the type of person who was meant for this trial.  You would love a child any way it came to you" (they wouldn't?) or "He gives us trials to make us stronger and never gives us more then we can handle" (am I that weak to begin with?).  Truthfully living in a culture where religion is spliced together with every hardship you ever face was not helpful to me at the time.  Quite frankly I was already on bad enough terms with my maker after being diagnosed infertile that to hear people tell me He "chose" me for this grief really just made it worse.  Needless to say I wasn't really on speaking terms with God for some time and even now I'm just beginning to rebuild that relationship.

I have been blessed in the end.  My marriage was strengthened.  My appreciation of my babies is greater (and I love who they are and realize they wouldn't be if it weren't for the direction life took).  I did discover some inner strength.  I've been able to support others going through similar circumstance (trust me I've never told them they were "chosen" for it).  In general I've realized what a blessing children and family are and to truly empathize with those struggling to get there.  But I don't think that means I was "chosen" for this path.  We took a road less traveled and made the best of it we could.

I still don't think we are "chosen" for certain trials.  I think our lives are meant to follow a pattern of some sort I suppose but to say a higher power would purposefully put me through something like this makes me picture someone who is not how I picture Him to be.  Who knows, maybe I'll be proven wrong on the other side.

 Of course now in my thinking too I realize that there are things we can't prevent from happening to our children.  We try to protect them and guide them but sometimes bad things just happen.  Our purpose is to stand as a solid foundation and comfort to them when it does.  I suppose this is how I think of God.  He doesn't pick and choose my trials for me.  Sometimes they just happen.
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This post is in response to National Infertility Awareness Week.  Resolve has challenged bloggers to Bust a Myth regarding infertility.  Bring awareness of infertility by busting a myth yourself. 

Myth Busted: Doesn't insurance cover that?

This was my own thought originally.  My ovaries were shutting down and causing other health risks (osteoporosis, heart disease, etc)...so that was obviously a health problem.  Insurance covered health problems right?  So yes...insurance helped with HRT (hormone replacement) and doctor's visits.  I don't know if they would have covered my DEXA scan and other tests that were done at the NIH in Maryland.  My doctor didn't want me to have DEXA scan done and said it wasn't something to worry about.  Hello...you're a doctor and osteoporosis is one of the main concerns with POF...how can you say that's not something to worry about?

So...when I went into researching the coverage I had for infertility treatment I was shocked.  I was annoyed.  My insurance, which was considered to be one of the best offered in my state, covered nothing.  I don't even know if it covered blood tests or ultrasounds because they would be related to infertility treatment.  I looked up more information about insurance covering this anywhere.  There were only a few states that mandated it to be covered.  Imagine a state having to require it by law to be covered?  Makes you feel loved by your insurance company doesn't it.  Insurance companies really bite it sometimes.  I made a comparison in my mind that they covered other life changing or challenging events...heart problems, cancer, diabetes and a number of others.  The treatment of these was not 100% guaranteed to work either.  And yes I realized that these conditions threatened physical life...the ability to go on living.  But at the time it felt like my infertility (such a definitive diagnosis..."never have kids on your own") could have the same effect on me.  It caused me to be in a pretty dark place and a great deal depressed for some time.  But guess what?  Insurance covers mental therapy.  I didn't quite get to the level that I took advantage of that...sometimes I think I should have but I was stubborn.  Basically if you find yourself infertile, plan on lots of therapy to get a bang for your buck but don't plan on any coverage to get you knocked up.

People don't understand the cost that can go into infertility treatment either.  They know it's "not cheap" but they don't really know the price tag.  The fertile have never had to worry about such things are IUIs, IVF, DE, ART, ICSI, SA, 3 day vs 5 day transfers, etc etc.  I doubt most of them even know what those acronyms mean.  I wouldn't either...if I didn't have to live with some of them.  And each one of those acronyms comes with a price tag.  How far you go up on the scale depends on what your individual issues may be.

Adoption has some insurance coverage typically it seems.  But adoption is not necessarily any cheaper or guaranteed.  Some people sit on adoption waiting lists for years while birth mothers look at their profiles and move onto the next.  Or have been waiting on a country to finalize an adoption when for whatever reason the borders are closed or the process is denied or frozen indefinitely.  Many are victims of fraud from horrible people who would scam them out of not only their money but their dreams of being a parent.

The sad thing to me is that Resolve states that according to many studies offering comprehensive infertility coverage to an insurance package can actually reduce cost and premium for those that pay into the pot.  Take that one to the bank insurance companies and insured people...literally.

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This post is in response to National Infertility Awareness Week.  Resolve has challenged bloggers to Bust a Myth regarding infertility.  Bring awareness of infertility by busting a myth yourself. 

Myth Busted: It's no different then saving for...

After I was officially diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure/Insufficiency (POF/POI) a little over a month after being married, the hubs and I began saving for what we felt was inevitable...the cost of DE IVF or adoption.   At the time we weren't 100% sure which route we would take but we knew neither one were going to be cheap.  We still "tried" even though so early in marriage neither of us really wanted to have a baby but we knew it would be a literal miracle if it happened so it wasn't so worrisome.

A little over a year of saving (including contributing my 401Ks to the pot, my annual leave pay out from my CPS job I quit, some of the money from hubby's condo he sold so we could make a down payment on our house, donations from my parents, etc etc) I was talking to my good friend about the cost of infertility treatment (over instant message...thank goodness).  She asked how much it would be and when I told her she said how it would be worth it.  Yes of course it would I agreed (if it worked).  She then compared it to saving and spending money on her house remodel.  She said they had put in $10,000 so far on carpet, siding and various projects.  I laughed to myself...uhhhhhh not at all the same (considering that was half of what we expected to spend).  Instead I told her "Yah except when you pay Lowe's you are 100% guaranteed to get what you paid for".  I couldn't believe what came out of her next "Not really."  What?  Was she seriously arguing that a retailer would give you the same "chance" of not providing what you paid for that ART treatments come with?  Yep she was.  I again said I didn't think a retailer would stay in business if that were true.  She again argued that "it could happen".  HA!! Oh I wanted to smack her.  When it become pretty obvious that she was serious and didn't see how these two grand expenditures were not at all alike I became more upset.  I had to shut down the messenger and walk away before I said something I knew I'd probably regret.  I felt she was not being supportive and trying to minimize my worry.  I didn't expect her to pity me or commend me but I didn't expect her to trivialize something that came with a 40% failure rate.  

Saving for ART treatment (for me...for us) was like putting away money that we would rather have used for other things...like house remodeling, down payments, vacations and a dozen other things.  Things that in my opinion are 100% guaranteed.  It was like putting all our eggs in one basket.  A basket with a decent sized hole in the bottom that everything could fall through.  It was saving for a dream.  Yes we realized it was all worth it...even if it failed at least we had tried.  Yes we realized the risk when we went into saving.  But I think we also both knew that if we left things to chance or out of our control that they would always be that way.  So there was no comparison and no similar thing most people could compare it too.  I imagine now that there are worse things to throw your money at...gambling, lottery tickets, etc.  You know...things with an even lower chance of "winning".  We threw in our ticket though and now with two beautiful girls in our lives...we have won the ultimate lottery.

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This post is in response to National Infertility Awareness Week.  Resolve has challenged bloggers to Bust a Myth regarding infertility.  I am making it my goal to Bust a Myth every day this week and bring awareness of infertility's challenges to those around me.  

Allowed frustration...

Sometimes after all the work and desire we put into getting the girls here I wonder if I am at all entitled (prob the wrong word) in having frustrations with them.  Today was a rough day for whatever reason.  We were stuck in all day with rain and then it began snowing and Jeff was home late from work.  I got cranky and tired and the girls were also cranky.  We weren't a good match for each other.  I generally find myself just frustrated with feeling unable to care for two kiddos at the same time.  But I will admit too I get frustrated with Seren's colic...it always seems to hit at bedtime and sometimes she can cry and scream for hours.  I feel so bad for her but it's difficult too.  It is also hard too during the day to be alone with them (thus the feelings of shortcomings with myself).  Especially if they both get to crying at the same time and it's not due to hungry tummies (the easy thing to fix).  I do love them so much though and wouldn't trade a million sleep filled nights for the time we will lose sleep with them.  I adore our daughters and I love to watch them grow and discover things around them (Kendall is obsessed with her feet lately and Seren is so cheerful and social when she isn't cranky with gas).

Anyway I think that being infertile and finally being granted your wishes doesn't mean you can't have off days too.  You rarely if ever hear or read of someone in our shoes complaining or saying it's tough.  But just because we fought to get here doesn't mean things are simple and easy now.  I just think that honesty should be put out there.  I hope I don't upset anyone who is still trying or in the midst of diagnosis or anything else.  Believe me I am grateful every day that we have such beautiful kids and each other together to raise them.  It is a huge blessing and my heart is so full of love for them.  It amazes me how much I can love them when there is no apparent ability for them to even love me back at this point.  I finally kind of understand how my mom would say I couldn't understand how much she loved me until I had kids of my own.  She was right.

Thoughts of Pregnancy -- Post Pregnancy

I have thought about my post pregnancy thoughts more so recently.  Like how I feel about having any possibility of my own genetic children after having our beautiful girls.  I hope I don't offend anyone by saying this.  I know we all come from different experiences and situations.  Some have children prior to taking the route of donor egg children, some only have the option of donor egg children and some still feel a desire for a genetic child after having a donor egg child.  We all have the right to feel how we do and pursue our desires how we see fit.  So where do I fall?

When I consider the very slim chance of getting pregnant on my own the only thing I really think would be great is not having a team of doctors involved with the conception and not having to have needles stuck in my back side daily for 10-12 weeks straight.  I would also love to not have to take hormones for the rest of my life in hopes that I don't end up with osteoporosis or other POF/POI side effects.

I used to imagine how I would love for my body to kick into gear after pregnancy and possibly get pregnant without intervention.  I believe Jeff and I used to talk about how I wouldn't use birth control then either and we'd just see what happened.  But after having Kendall and Seren, I can honestly say that I have no real desire to have a genetic child.  I can't imagine feeling any more connected to one or more love towards one or whatever reason it is that makes us want to perpetuate our own DNA.  Most days I forget that these girls don't share any of my genetics.  And even more so I wonder how they would feel if we were to have a genetic child.  Not that any parent would ever treat their children differently or feel different towards them.  But then I wonder...would they somehow feel second best?  Just the thought of it diminishing their importance (even if it were just a feeling they had or quietly never expressed) makes me think I would never pursue that.  I couldn't be more lucky than in having them.

Not the Architect...

I had a thought today as I was hanging out with the girls and just loving on them and admiring them.  I was thinking about the article I posted last time and how it says that the egg and sperm are what make the "blueprint" but the mother's body is what creates the child.  Well anyway I may not be the architect but I think I make one hell of a contractor and builder. 

 Aren't they the cutest?

 I've been trying to get a picture of them holding hands and this is the closest we came :) haha

Family of Four...

We are enjoying our little family of four.  It is interesting and definitely a world of difference when we are home at night.  We don't get out much I'm afraid.  Hopefully when the weather warms up more that will change.  I am so looking forward to spring and summer.  It's a nice day today and I'm pondering taking the girls out with me but they are sleeping and I don't want to throw them in their car seats just to go for a walk right now.  I do love the new stroller we got though (baby trend double snap and go) is going to be a huge investment I think.  And $75 is actually not bad for the purpose it'll serve...plus I plan to turn around and sell it second-hand when we're done with it.  I've gotten a number of things online for the girls lately (books, booster/high chairs and a play mat/gym).  I'm excited to try out the chairs and the mat.

The girls are getting bigger.  They both have double chins now and chubby cheeks.  So cute.  I'm guessing they are around 7 lbs or so each.  They are following us more with their eyes now and like to grab fingers (and hair...ouch) with their hands when we hold them.  We are just waiting for a real purposeful social smile still...they smile sometimes where it doesn't seem to be related to gas but they haven't started smiling back at us just yet.

It Won't Be Like This For Long...

The girls are two weeks old now. Two weeks of loving them, feeding them, diapering them and loosing sleep. Oh sleep how we miss you :) hehe You have to laugh or you might cry from exhaustion. I just hope that Jeff is surviving. I try to take care of them at night the best I can with juggling but there are many times when I can't and Jeff is always good to get them from the crib, feed them or cuddle with them despite the fact he is exhausted. I hope we can get their schedules more on track with his.

Anyway during the hard times I think of how soon enough they will be bigger and sleep longer and then things will be a little easier. Then I think of the country song about this and how quickly they will grow and how much you'll miss it when it's gone. So I definitely try to enjoy the little moments and adorable babies that we have now and try not to mentally trade them in for babies that will sleep through the night. It always makes me teary eyed to think of them growing up so fast and getting bigger. Especially knowing this may be our only time with little newborn babies. But I'm so grateful that things worked for us and for Kendall and Seren to be here. I know they were meant to be a part of our family and I can't wait (okay yes I can) to watch them grow.