Twin Mom Guilt...

We hung out with our good friends last night.  It was really nice and enjoyable.  I felt like I was finally able to talk to my good friend about the infertility stuff and not be downplayed or belittled.  But first off it started off with some twin questions.  She asked if I ever wondered if Seren would be less of a crier or panicky if she were able to be on her own schedule (ie not be a twin but an only child).  I didn't really take it offensive but at the same time was thinking, "why does it matter? that's not the scenario we have so why wonder?"  I honestly think Seren would be very similar to how she is whether she was a twin or not.  It's interesting to see that Kendall and Seren have basically met in the middle in my opinion.  Seren has actually mellowed out a lot (I think mostly because the colic stage has passed) and Kendall has become more demanding at times (probably because she sees it working for Seren).

Unlike some twin moms who learn by surprise we had a pretty good idea from the beginning.  We were given a 40% + chance of twins based on the donor's history and the appearance of our embryos.  And sometimes I do feel guilty for them being twins.  Guilty that I can't pay attention to them enough or give them enough one-on-one time.  I catch myself thinking "I'm sorry that I put you in this situation" when one or both of them is having a really hard day and I'm trying to juggle loving on both.  I used to feel more guilty about it (often crying because I felt inadequate for them) so things have gotten better.  I wonder if most moms of multiples feel this way.  Just inadequate and somewhat guilty that they can't do enough.  I suppose that's another reason it bothers me when my friend compares developmental milestones of our children...because I feel I've put them at a disadvantage.  But in reality I know they will develop just as normally (they have so far) as any single child and will actually be better off for learning to share, socialize and be more patient right from the beginning.  They are lucky to have each other and have a sister who is their same age.  I'm excited to see them grow up together and have that special relationship.

On the other plus side, like I was saying, I really felt like my friend and I somewhat connected on the infertility stuff for the first time.  It has been a looooong while since the topic has truly been broached.  We both got to talking about whether we would have another child.  They plan to and my DH is settled while I'm not 100% sure yet.  She asked what we would do if we had twins again and I told her I wouldn't open it to that possibility (explaining more of the DE IVF stuff and only putting back one embryo).  Then she asked about the donor and how we had gone about picking someone.  I always thought I would be offended a little by people asking about the donor (no one really has yet...not very many family or friends know) but I wasn't offended.  In fact I was almost excited to tell her about the way things had worked out and how I really felt good about things and making the right decision once our donor was selected.  It was just a good conversation and I was also able to reiterate my concern/request with privacy and not talking to anyone else about it, explaining that Kendall and Seren deserve to know and understand and later share that information how they see fit and it's not really my place or choice beyond what Jeff and I feel is necessary to keep them "safe" emotionally (if that makes sense).

I really feel like fate led us down this route and I am so lucky to have the kiddos that I do.  They are so special and I hope I live every day as their mom making sure that they know that.  Every child is special of course but I like to think children brought to parents with infertility struggles are just a little more then most.

Myth Busted: Won't it be weird...

Won't it be weird to carry and have a child who isn't genetically yours?  Okay so I've probably read or seen this online more then I've actually heard it myself.  Part of that is probably due to the fact the donor egg aspect of my children's make up isn't something I openly discuss with everyone.  Even some of those that we have been open with don't necessarily understand the depth of my diagnosis and what was required for me to get pregnant.  I don't openly discuss this with a lot of people due to the fact I feel it isn't my information to share.  I believe that these girls should have an understanding of how they came to be before anyone else.  Yes we have talked to some immediate family about it...after all we don't want the girls to say something about it to grandma or grandpa and then feel it is "shocking" or "shameful" news based on the reaction of someone who was uninformed.  We want them to have a support to understand it's totally okay and normal.

But anyway I lose my train of thought.  Was it weird to carry these kiddos who are genetically unrelated to me?  Heavens no.  Pregnancy was weird in itself sometimes...realizing a human being (or two in this case) were growing inside me.  Yah that part was sometimes mind boggling.  But that was the only thing I ever considered strange.  Perhaps my pregnancy was different in that I don't remember thinking very often, "I wonder what they'll look like".  I felt like I had no idea.  I hoped that they would look like Jeff somewhat and I was excited about the mysterious part of them I didn't know.

Is it weird caring for and raising our kids?  (yes...our kids...not Jeff's or someone else's...they are 100% ours).  I couldn't imagine anything more natural about caring for, raising and loving my babies.  Kendall and Seren are  the second best thing to ever happen to me.  The first being that I met and married my best friend who has taken every step of this journey with me.  I look at them and see myself.  That probably sounds silly to some. I don't see my physical self.  But I see my nurturing self...the part that will undoubtedly have an impact on who they become also.  I feel like the way we raise them and teach them is the way we pass on what truly matters...not their eye/hair color, smiles and other traits.

Allowed frustration...

Sometimes after all the work and desire we put into getting the girls here I wonder if I am at all entitled (prob the wrong word) in having frustrations with them.  Today was a rough day for whatever reason.  We were stuck in all day with rain and then it began snowing and Jeff was home late from work.  I got cranky and tired and the girls were also cranky.  We weren't a good match for each other.  I generally find myself just frustrated with feeling unable to care for two kiddos at the same time.  But I will admit too I get frustrated with Seren's colic...it always seems to hit at bedtime and sometimes she can cry and scream for hours.  I feel so bad for her but it's difficult too.  It is also hard too during the day to be alone with them (thus the feelings of shortcomings with myself).  Especially if they both get to crying at the same time and it's not due to hungry tummies (the easy thing to fix).  I do love them so much though and wouldn't trade a million sleep filled nights for the time we will lose sleep with them.  I adore our daughters and I love to watch them grow and discover things around them (Kendall is obsessed with her feet lately and Seren is so cheerful and social when she isn't cranky with gas).

Anyway I think that being infertile and finally being granted your wishes doesn't mean you can't have off days too.  You rarely if ever hear or read of someone in our shoes complaining or saying it's tough.  But just because we fought to get here doesn't mean things are simple and easy now.  I just think that honesty should be put out there.  I hope I don't upset anyone who is still trying or in the midst of diagnosis or anything else.  Believe me I am grateful every day that we have such beautiful kids and each other together to raise them.  It is a huge blessing and my heart is so full of love for them.  It amazes me how much I can love them when there is no apparent ability for them to even love me back at this point.  I finally kind of understand how my mom would say I couldn't understand how much she loved me until I had kids of my own.  She was right.

Thoughts of Pregnancy -- Post Pregnancy

I have thought about my post pregnancy thoughts more so recently.  Like how I feel about having any possibility of my own genetic children after having our beautiful girls.  I hope I don't offend anyone by saying this.  I know we all come from different experiences and situations.  Some have children prior to taking the route of donor egg children, some only have the option of donor egg children and some still feel a desire for a genetic child after having a donor egg child.  We all have the right to feel how we do and pursue our desires how we see fit.  So where do I fall?

When I consider the very slim chance of getting pregnant on my own the only thing I really think would be great is not having a team of doctors involved with the conception and not having to have needles stuck in my back side daily for 10-12 weeks straight.  I would also love to not have to take hormones for the rest of my life in hopes that I don't end up with osteoporosis or other POF/POI side effects.

I used to imagine how I would love for my body to kick into gear after pregnancy and possibly get pregnant without intervention.  I believe Jeff and I used to talk about how I wouldn't use birth control then either and we'd just see what happened.  But after having Kendall and Seren, I can honestly say that I have no real desire to have a genetic child.  I can't imagine feeling any more connected to one or more love towards one or whatever reason it is that makes us want to perpetuate our own DNA.  Most days I forget that these girls don't share any of my genetics.  And even more so I wonder how they would feel if we were to have a genetic child.  Not that any parent would ever treat their children differently or feel different towards them.  But then I wonder...would they somehow feel second best?  Just the thought of it diminishing their importance (even if it were just a feeling they had or quietly never expressed) makes me think I would never pursue that.  I couldn't be more lucky than in having them.

Family of Four...

We are enjoying our little family of four.  It is interesting and definitely a world of difference when we are home at night.  We don't get out much I'm afraid.  Hopefully when the weather warms up more that will change.  I am so looking forward to spring and summer.  It's a nice day today and I'm pondering taking the girls out with me but they are sleeping and I don't want to throw them in their car seats just to go for a walk right now.  I do love the new stroller we got though (baby trend double snap and go) is going to be a huge investment I think.  And $75 is actually not bad for the purpose it'll serve...plus I plan to turn around and sell it second-hand when we're done with it.  I've gotten a number of things online for the girls lately (books, booster/high chairs and a play mat/gym).  I'm excited to try out the chairs and the mat.

The girls are getting bigger.  They both have double chins now and chubby cheeks.  So cute.  I'm guessing they are around 7 lbs or so each.  They are following us more with their eyes now and like to grab fingers (and hair...ouch) with their hands when we hold them.  We are just waiting for a real purposeful social smile still...they smile sometimes where it doesn't seem to be related to gas but they haven't started smiling back at us just yet.

As to my donor egg feelings...

I wanted to address this also for anyone considering donor egg or wondering how it may be to go this route. I worried a little during my pregnancy that I would feel inadequate or annoyed or many other things with people talking about the girls and who they might look like or such things. Interestingly enough the two people who have commented on this aspect (Lisa's husband James and my Aunt) both were aware of the donor egg aspect...not sure they really understand it though. James said he thought Seren looked like me while they were up to visit at the hospital (no biggie and I just smiled and said "you think so?") and then my Aunt was sitting with us at home and started talking about how she was just trying to figure out who the girls looked like. I didn't bring up the donor egg aspect again with her...if she doesn't remember the details or understand it more then regular IVF I am okay with that (especially after the last time of her telling other family members about my health that I didn't want to know). But yah it doesn't bother me at all to have people say things like this. I think both girls are distinctive to themselves in looks. I would say that Kendall looks a little like Jeff and his family (but not even strongly there)...the nurse staff, my mom and I seem to think Kendall might have a little bit of red hair (never saw that happening...even though red hair runs in Jeff's family and mine a little too...so people were always saying we had a good chance of a little red-head). Sometimes I even strangely think Kendall might look a little like my family babies do. Both Kendall and Seren have long slender fingers and some similarities to each other. I thought at first they were very different in appearance but now I think they are starting to look more alike (like siblings only of course hehe). Seren is my little button nosed baby. I love how her little nose gives her character and how she is so facially expressive it seems. They have these facial expressions that I just love. I still believe both girls will end up with brown eyes but I may surprised there too. Jeff has hazel eyes and the donor had brown eyes with very little recessive blue eyes in her family. I would say that I have grown comfortable with the idea of the girls not looking like me and just being curious with how their appearance will change and how they will grow into themselves. I love them for the world and wouldn't change how they looked for a minute.

I feel no regrets or weird feelings about how we started our family. I worried a little with my non-emotional or crying reaction at their being born that something might be off. But with each passing day and hour spent with them I feel closer to them and more bonded. I sit there when changing and feeding them sometimes and think of how perfect they are and how much I love them already and just tear up or cry. Maybe I'm hormonal hehe but I know that can't be the whole reason. I know that love will just continue to grow too and become incomprehensible to how much I can love them.

The only concerns I feel like I have with things is with my POF and how this might affect breast milk supply and things of that nature. I had what I felt was a good first and second pump (1 1/2 oz...one breast as Seren nurses while I pump the opposite breast to supplement Kendall with) but then it went down to less then an ounce and barely an ounce. I was frustrated and worried. I think though that a lot of this had to do with my crazed nesting upon coming home, my exhaustion and just emotional drop with hormones and worrying about it. I've been trying to be less obsessed with it and just making sure I eat and drink enough and this morning I had a 2 1/2 oz pump (yeah!!). I'm also ordering different/bigger breast shield size (this is supposed to help as I am bigger then the average breast). So I think it will get better.

What loss?

I have been thinking about how my attitude has changed a lot since originally being diagnosed with POI (primary ovarian insufficiency; this is the term I should use since the medical community is trying to adopt it). I think the thing that hit me the hardest back in the day was the loss of genetic connection to a child. I was heartbroken over not having a child to look or behave like me. Now a couple years later I kind of think of how self-centered that seems. Sure there will be people who try to tell us that our child looks just like me or nothing like me (whatever the case may be) but who cares. Our child will be just that...our child. He or she may have not been created in the same way that a majority of babies are but that won't change one iota of how much we wanted them and worked for them and how much they are our child as we are their parents.

I was thinking at work the other day about how I'm just excited to be a mom someday. And as I was thinking about it I realized that the genetic factor didn't enter my mind at all, in fact I was even more excited to think of how this child may take on some aspects, appearance, personality and health wise, that I wouldn't be able to give them. That although I hope our kids will look a lot like Jeff, I'm very curious to see the peices of them that will be a mystery. It was like I didn't feel a loss anymore (although I'm still jilted at the healthcare and insurance system hehe).

I just want to be a mom someday. I don't know when that will be and I don't know how it will happen but I believe it will. I'm excited to see what this wonderful child will look like and be like. I'm even more excited to share that whole process and experience with Jeff. I think we will make great parents some day. I hope that day isn't as far off as it seems at times though.