Happy 3rd Birthday...

Happy Birthday to our sweet girls!!  We once again had a very simple celebration this year.  I bought a birthday banner at the dollar store along with some plates and napkins.  I was going to make a cake but the time didn't end up allowing for it.  So we bought a cake and cute little Frozen dolls to go on top of it.  Kendall and Seren are still obsessed with Frozen (or "new girl" as they call it).  They were excited for their birthday visitors and birthday hats.  They loved the cake.  We sung to them separately and each waited their turn.  Then we sung to them again together because they wanted to blow out the candles again.  It was an enjoyable evening.

They received some clothes and a doctor kit from my parents, some candy and birthday money from Jeff's parents (I think we'll get them swimsuits with it when summer comes) and a big box of crayons from my sister.  They also received some cute homemade bags from my best friend Lisa and her little girl (who is two months younger).  They had a great time and birthday. They are getting so big and smart and sassy (in a good way).  Love them!

Update: 3 Years Old

Height/Weight:  Kendall is 36.26" (26th percentile) and 25.79 lbs (5th percentile) and 13.79 BMI (3rd percentile).  Seren is 37.20" (48th percentile) and 29.54 lbs (34th percentile) and 15.01 BMI (28th percentile) -- as of February 5, 2014.

Clothing:  They are wearing mostly 3T stuff but still some 2T stuff (skinny enough for it just not short enough usually).  Still require elastic band pants or a little hemming in the sides to stop pants from falling down (especially with Kendall). Shoe Size:  Kendall is 7 and Seren is 7 1/2

Eating:  Feeling like they eat enough is a struggle again.  I have continued using Carnation breakfast in their milk (as per the doctor) to add in calories but don't use gummy vitamins anymore. 

Foods They Like:  Mac&Cheese or White Shells and Cheese, yaki soba, bananas, apples, oranges, blueberries, strawberries, carrots, corn, sour cream, pancakes, biscuits and gravy, tortellini, popcorn chicken/chicken nuggets, yogurt, apple sauce, homemade pizza, sausage, etc.  Kendall's Favorite: chicken spread sandwiches and beans.  Seren's Favorite: chicken nuggets and fries. 

Foods They Don't:  They are more open to trying something new.  Seren is more likely to try new things and like them.  Kendall often snubs food and says "this don't taste very good"  (after I told her it was rude to say "yucky")

Favorite Things:  Almost any Disney movie (Beauty & the Beast and Snow White lately) and Frozen, soft baby blankets, dancing with Jeff, parks, etc.  Kendall loves motorcycles (she always points them out and says how she wants to ride one...oh boy!).  Seren loves cuddling lately and reading by the fire.  Books:  Seren likes and has started memorizing quite a few books (various nursery rhymes, itsy bitsy spider the story, Snow White, etc) and Kendall likes the little books and anything she can tell you about or count.

Dislikes:  Being told what to do and time outs.  Sharing.  Accepting help even from each other.

Favorite Toys:  Their play kitchen.  Puzzles, coloring books and play dough.  Little toy cameras that my parents put in their stocking, dog purses from my brother and his girlfriend (they named them Harley and Kitty).  I re-purposed a dresser into a dress-up chest and they are kind of getting into dress up clothes.

Their Accomplishments:  Goodness so much.  They help in the kitchen to put dishes in the sink and load/unload the dishwasher.  Kendall talks all the time...probably more than Seren at this age.  They are mostly potty trained (not naps or bedtime...I haven't dared).  Seren puts on her own shoes/socks and coat.  They love independence.  
  
Verbal:  They are verbally on target now.  I'd almost even say they might be a little above the mark, at least compared to some peers that I know.  I still have to ask them to repeat some things and don't catch it all but it's coming quickly.  They use 5-7 word sentences and are learning new words all the time.  You can really hear their imaginations and vocabulary emerging with what they say. 

Our Accomplishments:  We survived a 33 hour road trip with them this summer.  We survived seeing each other very little this fall with Jeff working a second part-time job.  I've been focusing on being more patient and it has helped.  

Sleep:  They sleep about 12 hours a night.  Naps are only a couple times a week now.

Looking forward to:  Summer again...I'm horrible, it's barely winter but I want summer, warm days, parks and water play back.

Favorite memories:  Them laughing together, chasing each other around the house, watching them learn to socialize with other kids and adults.  When they started calling Wendy's the "nug-nug house", trick or treating with them (Kendall saying "chicken treat" haha), the funny things that they say and do.   Taking them to their first movie.  Teaching more about Santa and Jesus and the excitement they have for both.  I wish I could remember them all.  Seren telling us "the boys like me" (oh boy...trouble already).  Kendall saying things like "great idea", "I'm a good sharer" or "You're great at sharing mom"...I hope that means I usually talk positive towards them.  I loved seeing them around family during the holidays.  They loved the time and attention and have missed Grandpa and Grandpa B from the moment they woke up to find they were missing.  Here's hoping that 2014 might be the year we get to have them close to home again. 

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!!  Happy Holidays!!  Wishing everyone in blog land and real life a very happy season.  We have been enjoying our time with family and friends.  The girls went to see Santa and it went much better than last year's attempt.  Kendall was still a little reserved (she managed to tell him her name and Christmas wish) but Seren was right at home and had a nice little chat with him.  We also saw the animals and holy cow the camel was huge this year.  Both Kendall and Seren were able to hand him some hay to eat and they loved it.  They also saw reindeer, two donkey and a couple horses.  We went on a tractor pulled hay ride and managed to get a decent selfie picture of all of us together (amazing).  Such a good day.

Santa Visit 2013.  Well it's a slight improvement from this....

Santa Visit 2012...oh the horror

Holidays and Hopes...

We have been having a wonderful holiday season.  We have been busy with my parents and the girls have been soaking their time together which I love.  They get so excited to get in the car and go see Grandma and Grandpa at my siblings homes.  I can only imagine their excitement when it's our turn to have them as guests.

I am scheduled for the endometrial biopsy on Friday.  They had availability today but I opted to do it after Christmas.  I'm a little more nervous for this one as I know it can't be comfortable and I've only been instructed to take about 800 mg of Ibuprophen before hand.  I hope there isn't too much to it.  I hope that it does the job in increasing our odds of success, which is our reason for having it done.

I had a dream the other night that we went in for a transfer and our RE told us that the embryos were some of the worst quality they ever transfer and that it might not even be worth it at this point to try.  I don't believe in dreams telling the future but more of just an escape for your mind and expressing subconscious or conscious thoughts.  I know I've thought about it more and worried more.  I've considered the idea of thawing both straws and seeing which ones make it and which seem to be growing the strongest...if they would allow us to do something like that.  I worry letting them thaw and try to grow would cause them all to not make it though.  We haven't talked about it with our RE either so it's a question to address at Friday's appointment.  I also hate the idea of thawing both if that means wasting some or throwing a second chance out the window.  But then I stress at the idea of money also.  Although I'd rather live with and pay a little debt then feel like the wrong decision was made.  We are tentatively set for a transfer the week of January 22nd.  I'm definitely beyond more cautious about the idea of it now.

But in the meantime I am excitedly awaiting Christmas with our girls.  I have a big project from Santa to still finish tonight when they go to bed but I love it and they will love it I'm sure.  Excited to do some fun last minute baked goodies with the girls (yep I need to join procrastinators anonymous).  And quickly following Christmas will be Kendall and Seren's 3rd birthday on Saturday.  Our busy and over scheduled time of the year for sure but what a blessing.

I hope all of your projects and shopping is done (unlike mine) and I will get around to another post in the new year.

Christmas Memories...

We took the girls to their first theater movie on Dec 7th.  Disney's Frozen.  It was such a cute show and they loved it.  They still beg us to put it on the TV and although YouTube clips help quench the desire for them a little it usually just adds to the lack of understanding that we don't own it and therefore can't play the whole movie again.  Kendall tries to sing the song "Let It Go" and those are all the words she knows but it's so cute to listen to that little voice singing.  It does add to my shopping list that I think I will get them a Anna and Elsa doll for their birthday.  My sister suggested it since they are a blonde and red-headed sisters just like my girls.  And now that they adore the movie so much I think they would be thrilled with the dolls.  We'll see if the budget allows it.

Jeff took the girls for doughnuts and a local shopping outdoor mall with a fountain this month while I spent the evening with my sister.  Kendall and Seren reiterated what Jeff told me about it the next morning.  They saw the colorful fountain and ran into Santa who didn't have time to talk (closing time) but he was very friendly and said "Ho Ho Ho" to them.  They were so excited about it.  I'm hoping that this will make future hopeful visits with the jolly man go smoother than last year.

Christmas is Coming...

We decorated the house for Christmas on Saturday.  The girls were so excited for the tree and helping with the ornaments.  When all was said and done and the lights were on they were absolutely giddy.  They jumped up and down and kept exclaiming "Me so happy!" and saying how pretty it was.  We talked a little about Santa and how he brings presents to us.  They are starting to catch on now.  We asked what they wanted for Christmas from Santa.  I suggested a doll or toys and Seren  says, "No.  I want nug-nugs (chicken nuggets)."  We laughed a little and asked "That's all you want is nug-nugs?"  She then thought about it for a minute and said "I want nug-nugs and fries".  Too funny.  We asked Kendall, who was sitting on Jeff's lap, what she wanted for Christmas and she said "I just want you daddy".  So tender.  Gotta love toddlers before they experience consumerism.

They love the lights and have to go out and see the lights on the house every night when Jeff turns them on.  I imagine this won't remain a nightly tradition for long but who knows.  At any rate I love this time of year, especially with our girls involved more now.  My parents will be coming to town in mid-December to visit with family as we all live in the area, which makes it super nice.  Hoping to create lots of memories.

Attitude of Gratitude...

Sometimes when we have hard times or find ways to think our life might not be completely fair it's easy to forget our blessings.  I feel like I've been doing that lately.  Worrying and focusing on my frustrations with infertility again.  I've been able to "forget" it or pretend it away for the last few years with my girls and so starting up again with the hope and desire for a success and a new child has opened a lot of previous emotion, thinking and feelings again.  Dislike for my body, disappointment in our situation, fear of being a failure again...you know the list.

But I am so often reminded of my blessings too.  As I look forward to the excitement my girls show for Thanksgiving dinners (Kendall wants to eat the "whole turkey") and Christmas lights that are turning on it reminds me I have all I ever wanted.  I am grateful to go into this holiday season with my family, immediate and extended.  I am going to try to keep this attitude of gratitude and be grateful (and not worry) throughout the rest of this year and hopefully into next.  Happy Thanksgiving to anyone reading this!

*don't know if all the stats are right but the message is still true*

That Darn Cat (continuation)...

I feel like I'm a stinker to complain about this.  I do love Jeff's parents and there are honestly no long-term hard feelings.  But I think we've learned that asking for privacy doesn't always mean you will get it, no matter how trusted the person is.

My hysteroscope appointment was yesterday.  We had asked Jeff's mom to watch the girls before we knew of the darn cat situation.  She said she might have Jeff's sister (the other half of my non-discreet brother-in-law) help with the girls since she isn't working currently due to health issues unrelated to infertility.  So the help was set and we just stuck with it.  Then yesterday we get a call and email from Jeff's sister saying she will be watching the girls on her own, as Jeff's mom couldn't get away from her church duties.  Fine.  I mean the information is already known to her.  Not really great that his mom didn't tell us but whatever.

The appointment was fine and everything came up in the clear.  Dr H called me during our drive home and I didn't catch some of the information he had (active natural killer cells? I don't know...don't know if it was even tested for).  He still suggests the steroid treatment as precaution.  So I have estrace and provera to take for 30 days and 10 days respectively and then they will do the odds-increasing biopsy during the 10 days on provera (sometime around or just after Christmas was my calculation...wahoo).  Then we'll call to get our FET calendar for January.

Anyway...back to the cat-bag situation.  I decide to ask Jeff's sister how they came to find out about our failed cycle when we get back from the appointment to pick up the girls.  I'm with it and actually pretty mellowed out about it.  We visit with her for a few minutes and then I ask in a non-accusing way and we get some weird side story about infertility testing with her and my brother-in-law.  Jeff redirects and says "No (brother-in-law) said something on Sunday to us that he/you should know nothing about.  How did you find out?"  And the truth comes out.  It wasn't a slip of the tongue or an accident divulging of information.  It was intentional.  Apparently his sister and mom were talking about her health issues and trials and Jeff's mom thought it was an opportunity to bring up other people's trials (namely ours) and our attempt to add to our family.  She says that her husband must have overheard it.  His sister claims she doesn't remember exactly what was said or how it came out.  She was worried about our feelings towards her and to Jeff's mom.  We had suspected Jeff's dad let it out so this was a twist for us.  I was pretty level headed and said there were no hard feelings to Jeff's sister at all and we weren't upset with her or her husband.  Jeff was a little more blunt and said though it wasn't their fault that we wouldn't be sharing information with his mom anymore and she would get the news with everyone else if we were to get pregnant.  This worried his sister again and she tried to explain that it was all out of love and concern (I have no doubt it was even though poorly handled).  She added that their family was the sort to talk things out when there are trials or things they want to help with.  Nobody talked it out with us or even informed us that we were being talked about though?  How quaint right?  We ask who else knows and she says probably the other sibling that frequents Sunday dinners but not the other three as far as she knows.  She mentions that they suspected due to the appointments or babysitting and Jeff's part-time job.  Jeff quickly corrected that the job was to pay off debt (which it was).  I don't remember everything else that was said.  His sister tried to make things right with Jeff and ask for his "silence", wondering if we would be talking to their mom.  Jeff said we probably would and his sister again expressed concern that she had said things about it that were told to her in confidence.  Uh yeah...that was my breaking point.  I retorted that we had also told his mom and dad things in confidence and asked that it be kept private and it wasn't.  Funny how that works.  Silence.  I think the point was taken and the conversation tapered off onto other casual things for a few minutes until we left.

I still feel bad that it was this sister that was found in the middle of it.  She has a very tender heart and is prone to worry so much already.  I know they are having a hard time with their own infertility struggles.  Maybe Jeff's mom meant it to comfort them but I can't imagine how it would.  I wouldn't want to hear about others attempts if I were in the middle of it and child-less still.  I empathize with them for sure and I want their success and happiness.  I talked with her a little before we left, while Jeff got the girls in the car.  She cried and felt bad and worried about it.  We hugged and I tried to tell her again that there were no hard feelings, especially with her and her husband.  I told her that things were not handled how they should have been or how we wanted them to be, but it wasn't their fault.  And that we were obviously going to be more cautious and protective of our own privacy.

Nothing else has came from it yet.  We haven't talked to Jeff's parents.  I imagine at some point we will but we aren't in the wrong.  We won't be making any apologies and I would hope that they don't expect any.

The Cute Factor...

They are stinking cute right?  Okay bragging (just a little).  Is it still considered bragging when I probably had nothing to do with how cute they are?  It probably is haha  Love these two.  I've been working on my little Etsy shop and took some pictures tonight for a new listing of child aprons that I made for a boutique with my friend.  Kendall and Seren hammed it up for the camera.  They loved the aprons (Christmas present?? I think a definite yes).  Anyway just admiring the cuteness and thought I would share.

Cat Is Out Of The Bag...

We went to Jeff's parents for dinner last night.  We do this every other week typically.  While we were there Jeff asked about his parents watching the girls for the Friday appointment...I don't remember if it was all that secretive or who was around as I was in the other room.  Dinner went as usual and Jeff's sister and brother-in-law readied to leave.  I stood up and gave them both a hug goodbye and I get this somewhat cryptic farewell from my brother-in-law of "sorry your experiment didn't work".  I was confused and thought he was referring to some prank I'd tried on Jeff.  Nope.  A little nod of the head and his restating with tone of voice let me know that they were aware of our failed IVF attempt.  I looked at Jeff who looked just as bewildered as me.  I shrugged off the apology as to not make a big deal of things and went to the kitchen.  Jeff followed shortly after.  What the hell.  We had been pretty specific about our intentions of not telling any family members unless there was a success.  How specific can one really be in such a matter?  Why would you think it was okay to talk about it when we were specific that we didn't want it mentioned?

Oh and thanks for calling it an "experiment" because ya'know that's what it totally was.  My doctor is a mad scientist and we just gave them thousands of dollars to do an "experiment" on me.  Why don't you just call me a guinea pig while you're at it.  I mean really?  It was just handled all wrong by my brother-in-law.  If you want to mention that you know and express condolence you don't do it while the rest of the family at dinner is around.  And honestly you shouldn't even know about it so you shouldn't say anything at all.  My own siblings don't even know anything.

And I try to give Jeff's parents the excuse that maybe they are just trying to be sensitive or protective of this sibling as they are going through their own infertility struggle.  But guess what?  I don't know anything about their situation or what they are doing in regards to children.  So why do they all the sudden get to know our current situation.  Why is our privacy subject to some other rule?  And wouldn't it be more sensitive to not mention this to them unless something were to happen?

It just makes me wonder how many other people Jeff's parents have deemed privy to our private information.  It really bugs me.  Not that this sibling knows now because they weren't in control of what was told to them and it can't be untold.  But it really irks me that my in-laws thought it was okay to tell anyone when we asked nothing be said.

I guess that is how it goes when it takes a clinic and multiple people to even attempt getting pregnant.  Infertility just takes your privacy right out the window along with every other bit of normalcy that you had before.

Prep Work...

We have been prepping for the holidays (a little).  I'm very much a Thanksgiving comes before Christmas kind of gal.  But seeing as how it usually snows or gets icy before Thanksgiving in my great state we took after our neighbors cue and put lights up on the roof last weekend.  We were going to finish this weekend but weather today disagrees.  The girls loved the lights though for the few minutes they saw them.  Jeff was up on the roof and I brought them out to watch him.  Seren kept yelling very sternly "Daddy get off my house.  Get down right now" and Kendall would say "Daddy what you doing?" but generally was looking at other things outside and trying to find the moon (she loves spotting the moon).  We turned on the lights for a few minutes to see how they looked.  The girls ooh'd and awe'd like we had paid them.  They were so excited and have continually asked to turn them on again ever since.  Makes me excited for the holidays though.  They are going to love it this year.

Aside from the holidays we're also doing a bit of prep work for the upcoming cycle in January.  I have a hysteroscope scheduled for next Friday.  Not really looking forward to that but at least insurance should be covering everything except for the co-pay.  It seems kind of pointless to go through with this when Dr H says the likelihood of issues (polyps, scarring, etc) being detected is very low.  But when insurance will cover it then it certainly doesn't hurt either.

I'm not even sure what the next step in our plan will be after that.  I know we'll do the pseudo biopsy on the menstrual cycle before the FET cycle.  But I don't know if that's planned for January or December.  I'm not sure if I'll be with it enough to ask when I see Dr H next...something to let Jeff ask maybe.  I wish I could say we're hopeful.  I'm not sure we really are.  We still mention thoughts of another child and changes with rooms and cars we'd need to make if it worked but in general I think the air has been knocked out of our sails and realism has set in.  Odds based before any thawing are pretty low (around 17-25% with morula cycles).  We do have two early blast mixed in somewhere but that's it out of the eight remaining.  I hope it will work.  I don't know that I have the heart to believe it will though.

Life Outside of Other Stuff...

Life beyond the current thoughts with possible cycles and upcoming failures attempts is going quite well.  I am feeling more in the swing of life again since the disappointing BFN.  Never thought I would be writing about BFNs and other attempts on this blog after we had the girls.  I was very happy and content with my life and though exhausted and stretched thin with parenting twins it was good.  It still is good.  But I do want more.  Or at least I want to try for more.  Who knows if that will come or not.

The night after our appointment with Dr H, I was putting my sweet girls to bed.  I was so grateful for them.  I held them a little longer than usual, got a little teary-eyed and whispered to them how they would always be enough for me if we weren't able to have any more.  It's true.  I will forever be grateful for them making me a mom.  And sometimes I think maybe I was blessed with twins the first time because God knew it wasn't going to work again.  I'm glad they will always have someone to be with them, closer than most siblings will be (I hope).  I hope we can add another but if it's not meant to be then we will still have plenty to be thankful for.

Kendall has said to me a few times in the days since the appointment "don't worry mommy...don't worry" and I wondered where she even picked up the word or understanding of worrying.  Maybe it shows that I worry and have been worried about things.  She is always my little empathetic and emotionally-connected child.  She gets it.  I don't really know why but she is good at reading emotion and seeing the details.  I keep holding onto her words of 'don't worry' as things move forward again.

Seren is full of spunk as usual.  She is a tease and a clown.  She loves to get attention and laughs.  She loves to do things for herself and try to do things for Kendall sometimes (not understanding that Kendall has the same drive to do it alone).  She loves to say "I'm so happy" lately (for big and minor things that make her smile) and has started saying "I love you too" when you tell her you love her.

They still look out for each other and try to care for their needs.  I love that the most still.  Friends enjoy watching their kids play with other children and hugging their friends or holding a hand.  I get to witness this most every day.  There are the additional fights and tantrums caused by each other of course but I love seeing the friendship they have.  

Life is going well and things are good no matter the outcomes that will happen.  In the meantime I am looking forward to the holidays and the excitement and family time and fun that surrounds this time of year.

Follow-Up and Future...

We had our follow up with Dr H yesterday.  He talked about our FET transfer and he told us that the quality on the blasts that thawed were rated as "fair" but we were likely given the higher odds by the transferring doctor due to the embryos hatching.  He said something to the effect of he probably would have looked at both quality and hatching and maybe more weight should have been put on the "fair" rating.  Thanks.  That information would have been useful to us at the time not now morons.  Makes me so mad to know we should have been advised to transfer both instead of given such high odds based on one little bit of information and not the whole picture.

The rest of the appointment had it's positives and it's negatives.  The positive we came away with was that Dr H is willing to do some treatment for the autoimmune possibility (high dose steroids in the short term for 5-days and heparin or baby aspirin) and that insurance should cover the two tests he wants us to do (hysteroscopy and uterine biopsy).  The uterine biopsy is more for the purpose of raising odds of implantation than for finding an autoimmune cause.

However the negative we came away with is that the quality of embryos left isn't that stellar.  Dr H seemed pretty darn positive and then I reminded him that I didn't think we had any blastocysts left and so he reviewed the embryology report and some doubt crept in to even his positive outlook.  He talked about how they don't even freeze morulas on day 5 anymore (they wait til day six and if they haven't developed more they discard them).  In our understanding we have:  two EB3, two M2 cav, one M2- cav, one M3 cav and two M2 left.  He looked over the report and pointed out blasts and said he still thinks there is hope for one or two good viable chances at a live birth.  Again we were reminded that they didn't know what was frozen together.  Seriously that irks me and makes me so mad every time they say that.  How can you not know? or make a note?

Then he talked about doing one cycle and thawing everything and looking for the very best or doing two cycles and thawing one straw at a time.  We have two straws with 4 embryos in each remaining still.  When he talked about thawing both straws for one cycle I knew he didn't think our odds were that great.  He did end up recommending splitting it into two cycles if we could afford to because he felt it was a better chance still.  Then he started asking about the possibility of three out of four surviving a thaw and what we would do or how we would feel about transferring three.  Yep my "crappy odds" radar went off again.  I asked him how often they consider transferring three in situations with morulas and he said that each doctor considers it depending on circumstances and in this case it would likely be considered if we wanted to.  My hopes were down on the floor at this point.  I didn't cry.  I wanted to but I held it in.  Dr H tried to pick up the tone and hopes again by saying he was still very optimistic about this still working for us.  It helped but not very much.

He sent off a request to schedule the hysteroscopy in a few weeks.  He said we could do the scope and biopsy together but thought it might be beneficial with timing (in case there were something to correct found with the scope) to do them separately.  He mentally tried to figure out a possible timing for us...asking about my cycles and bum ovaries.  Once again I guess it pays to not have your ovaries running interference on things...they can schedule the scope without much timing and move forward pretty easily.  Then he said it might be tight to squeeze in a transfer before the clinic closed for the holidays.  I said that was fine and I didn't want to go through a cycle during the holidays or have another disappointment during that time anyway.  Wahoo for Miss Positive here huh?  So at any rate we are looking to have everything line up for a January cycle at this point.

Now we just have to consider the possibilities of one cycle vs two and whether we want to take the risk (if given and no matter how slim) of having twins or even triplets.  What a mess.  I don't really have much hope of this working anymore.  But I don't know how to not try still.  In some ways I just wish I had never crawled out of my cute babies and fun toddlers pleasant little cocoon to desire any more.

Autoimmune Link...

I still feel our failed FET could be related to autoimmune issues.  Yes there's always the blame card right?  My body has been it's own combination punching bag and Mike Tyson for the last several years though.  It took out my thyroid with Graves' Disease.  Possibly was a factor in taking out my ovaries.  And for lack of any other good reason I think it may have helped take out the poor little embryo and chance that was given.

I know most doctors would call me crazy (or any woman crazy) but I honestly really believe that the cramping and twinge feelings I had the evening of and day after the transfer were that embryo trying to make a home.  It wasn't cramping all over.  It was one very precise side and spot.  And I felt it a few times over those first few days in the same place.  Followed by achey fullness and light stretching almost as well and then some lower back cramps.  I was 100% convinced it was working.  Then my body started reacting to the shots (maybe coincidental but I still wonder) and it was very soon after that all of those "good" feelings went away and I started realizing it was over.

I've read A LOT on autoimmune stuff in the past and now I've begun reading about secondary infertility (non-ART and via failed IVF cycles) and found medical information about the body (especially those with a history of autoimmune issues) developing natural killer cells and T-cells (?) that can work in the uterus and target and even prevent implantation of the embryo from being successful.  I wonder if that was and would be the case in the future.  I emailed the team to also ask about this possibility (without going into detail on the feelings I had) and any testing to do before trying another transfer.  We will see what Dr H has to say if anything about it.  If anyone reading this has experience with autoimmune stuff or treatment during IVF please let me know (I appreciate the contact I did receive and will reply soon).

Update on asking Dr H.  He agrees that this possibility is definitely worth looking into and possibly testing for and also mentioned prevention/suppression he has done with other patients.  He mentioned steroid treatment during cycle and also use of baby aspirin and a possible endometrium biopsy.  He also shared a research article about mild medical injury (ie scratching) to the uterus prior to a cycle improving the chances of implantation greatly.  It sounds like we will need to set up an appointment with him to go into more detail.  It makes me hopeful that he actually considers this a very possible interaction though.  I wish we would have considered this before we used up our best frozen chance.  I hope it's not too late if we look at it now.

Beta Blues...

I have the beta blues.  Big Fat Negative of course.  Right now I think BFN stands for something besides Fat and I don't mean Fluffy.

I was grateful a male drew my blood today as what was the likelihood he'd ask anything personal.  I had my backside checked by a nurse who said it looked sore and reactive for sure.  She went to her computer saying we would need to order a different solution with olive oil instead of sesame oil and try that.  I told her I didn't think it was necessary and cried a little saying I'd already tested at home.  Way to blow my cover that I was worried about before right?  She handed me tissues and said she would call when they knew for sure.

Drove home and a couple hours later got the call that immediately was left for voice mail to pick up.  Negative.  Negative.  Negative.  No surprise but it hurt to hear for absolute certain.  Silly me even emailed later to make sure running the test two days early wouldn't have made a difference.  Rub salt in the wound.  Yep why not?  A phone call with an even more solid "it was negative for sure.  I'm sorry".

Jeff was wonderful and came home from work without asking.  What else do you do when your wife sobs on the phone to you.  So now my eyes are still full of tears and my belly is full of hot wings and french onion soup.  I can't complain forever.  I had my two sweet girls with me when I listened to the voice mail.  They both sensed that this was worse than the weepy mom of the last couple of days.  Seren patted me on the leg and laid her head on my lap and kept saying "ohhhhh"  Kendall crawled up next to me and also laid on me.  When I talked to Jeff he talked to the girls for a minute and Seren in a very concerned voice said "Daddy...Mommy not happy".  He asked them to give me a hug which they had already been doing.  Blessings.  Pure sweet blessings.  I'm focusing on that.

Itching to Get My Beta....

Literally!!  This has been a very non-fun experience.  Especially the last 4 days or so.  Last night I had two giant hives on my backside.  We tried cortizone cream and it helped for maybe an hour.  And it didn't get rid of the stiff feeling of swelling in my back which is what hurt to sit, lean or sleep on and was more bothersome than the itching.  What a shitty way to end all of this.  Yep I'm admitting it.  I'm pretty sure it's the end of this one.  I would be shocked as hell if my beta came up with anything.  Which sucks cause I went into this so positive especially after the odds we were given.  I felt like things were working and noticed things that I didn't remember noticing with the girls.  Cramping, twinging, etc.  Now I don't feel anything different.  Part of me wonders if my body went crazy with the PIO reactions and had some autoimmune response, killing any chances.  I basically have two autoimmune conditions with Graves Disease and POF/POI so why wouldn't that be a possibility.

I've run out of ideas on comfort food.  I've had onion rings, chicken pot pie and hot wings in the last few days.  What's next on the menu?  Need to find the ultimate comfort food I think.  Deep fried mushrooms?  Ultimate Skillet at Village Inn?  French Onion Soup?  Kung Pow Chicken at my favorite chinese restaurant?  I guess there are still endless possibilities.  Wish the same could be said for other matters of business right now.

I think I'll buy one more test for the morning before the beta and call it a day.

Pressure Is On...

Well the little needle sticks with a little itching turned into small itchy bumps, and then itchy hives and now one big itchy hive that covers my entire left injection side.  One email about the itching and basic advice from the nurse about PIO shots and moving around the prevent lumps and if it got red, swollen or really itchy they might need to see me.

Well this happened:

Day 1:  Injection to left side on Saturday morning...Sunday morning it looked like this.

And then a couple days and one shot later it looked like this:

Day 3:  Left side swelling has gone beyond our Day 2 outline to see if it was getting worse

I emailed the IVF nurses once in between with a picture saying I didn't think it was normal but that I could handle hives and itching until the beta was done.  I never really heard back that day so I thought they were okay with my plan.  Then Day 3 (today) happened and I decided I better email them more directly (not through the mychart system via the hospital they are related to).  I emailed the IVF nurses a series of  the pictures directly and said I was pretty sure this wasn't normal or okay anymore.

I recieved a phone call a couple hours later that no this wasn't normal and that they didn't want me to wait until Sunday/Monday beta results.  Basically saying that sometimes when you've done PIO shots before that your body can build up a localized reaction to them.  It doesn't affect the progesterone but obviously isn't good for your sanity or tissue long term.  The nurse advised me that they do have a different PIO mixture with a different oil/base but that most pharmacy's don't just carry it so they would have to order it (most likely mail order it).  Since we don't want to be ordering more medicine if it isn't necessary they want me to go in for my beta early (Friday) and be sure to get same day results.  That way if I am pregnant they will know to order and get the process going so my body can stop reactions (hopefully).

I feel like a ticking time bomb.  Sunday was nice enough to go in for a blood test and I asked to go to a more local lab on Saturday and that was okay.  Now it's going to be on Friday instead.  The nurse assured me that they would be able to tell by a blood test by then if I was pregnant but to me it just seems so much closer especially since I have taken a couple pregnancy tests at home that have been pretty basically been negative.  So I feel like not much can change in that arena in the next 3 days.  Who knows in the end I guess...maybe it'll be better to get out of 2 week wait hell sooner than later.

She's Lump...

I've been trying to make up lyrics to that song for a day or two as my lumps have consistently been appearing after each shot now.  No more big bruises yet but lumps, some itching and even slight swelling from Saturday's shot.  I emailed the IVF nurses a picture of that because I'm concerned it could be an allergic reaction. Anyone know if that interferes with progesterone absorption?

Anyway I found another song to change lyrics on while watching Tangled with the girls.  From the 'I've Got A Dream' song if you want to hum along ;-)  Thought it might be good for a laugh...

"I've got lumps and bumps and bruises.  Sometimes my oil oozes. Let's not even mention my allergic reaction.  But despite my IVF woes and whether I'm pregnant well who knows, we really want this embie to make a good connection"

Earning My Stripes (or spots)...

Well apparently I have been earning my stripes with this cycle.  In the short time we have been doing shots this time I have two definite bruises to report.  How many did we get last time?  Zero.  No problems with soreness or bruises at all last time.  Worth it but wondering what's different.  I've only gotten a couple on my left side so far but the most recent is pretty bad and raised like a welt.  Does that mean bad progesterone absorption? allergic reaction?  We've noticed the needles aren't exactly 90 degree straight with the syringe so we haven't tightened them down as tight now and that seems to help the straight factor.  We'll see if it helps with the bruising.  Any tips to avoid bruising? or help with current bruises?

Left side spots.  Right side is still clear for now.  Don't be sad Mom ;)  Love ya

What a Relief...

Transfer went smoothly.  Poor Jeff got a stomach bug or ate something so he was throwing up the night before and that morning.  So although we hadn't planned it he stayed home from work for the rest of the day after the transfer and didn't go to either of his jobs.  It was kind of nice to just have us all chilling at home.  We discussed our plans of one vs two being transferred the night before.  Jeff was okay with transferring only one if the odds were around 25-30%.  You can see how twins have scared us off of the possibility of twins again...love them but sleep deprivation, difficulty breastfeeding and juggling two babies is killer.  I was okay with just one if the odds were around 40%.  Our clinic has an average success rate with frozen cycles of around 40% with average transferred being two or slightly over two.  So we agreed to somewhere around 35-40% being a good average.

We had traffic and sickness issues, along with dropping the girls off with my in-laws, and were 15 minutes late getting to the clinic.  Our attempt to call was met by a machine and their office hours not being open until 8 am (the time we arrived).  They didn't act like it was a big thing.  We still waited just as long or longer in the transfer room so I didn't feel so bad.  Dr M was the transferring doctor this time.  We had never met him but he was very warm and easy to adjust to.  He brought out my file and a picture of the two embryos that had survived the thaw.  One looked great and the other looked okay.  He explained one was in great shape and the other was moderate to good.  Our odds transferring the one would be around 50-60% with a 5% chance of twins he told us.  What the what!!  I couldn't believe it.  I think the sigh of relief could be heard from both Jeff and I.  Dr M continued that the success rate to transfer both would be around 60-70% with a 30% chance of twins.  We were over the moon to have such good odds with one and immediately agreed to just transfer the one.  We asked about the stuff that seemed to be growing next to the embryos and were told that they were hatching and that this was a good sign as well.  I was given the Valium and had some giggles from that and then the transfer was done, the obligatory wait was over and we were sent home.  Luckily after picking up and taking the girls home they were happy to oblige us in an early afternoon nap due to their early wake up call.  Our entire house crashed for a few hours and it was wonderful.

Now the front room is littered with Gatorade bottles, the TV has been playing Yo Gabba Gabba and I've been chilling out today with the girls on my own.  Following my same regimen of liquid intake suggestions (mostly Gatorade) and eating fresh pineapple as I did with our fresh cycle but opting to skip the Raspberry Leaf tea this time (man that was gross last time).  I also have not been as strict on my "bed rest" but how can I be when I still have two little ones at home to care for.  I've taken it easy for sure but haven't grounded myself to the couch.  It's been a nice change.  Now we just wait and hope (and Google a little of course).

Decided to add a picture of the little ones.  We used the larger blastocyst and the other was donated for research.

Waiting, Hoping, Wishing and Looking Again (most likely)...

We have our transfer set for 7:45 am tomorrow.  We are hoping that it works and that one little embryo sticks around.  We would take two for sure but we are hoping for just one still.  We won't know the expected success rates until we arrive and talk to the doctor.  There are 3 blastocysts in this straw but since they were frozen prior to the vitrification technology being at our lab it is very unlikely they will all survive the thaw.  We hope that two will survive and be strong contenders.  The nerves and reality still don't seem to sink in yet.  We are so blessed to have this opportunity to try though.  So very grateful that we have been blessed so greatly so far and hope that maybe we can get lucky one more time.

We received word from our hopeful recipient couple and as we somewhat expected they are desirous to try for a pregnancy on their own, at the advice of their doctor.  He believes that the chemical pregnancy may "jump start" her system into remembering what it is supposed to do and advised them to try on their own without IVF for the next 4-6 months.  If it were us in their shoes I'm sure that we would be doing the same thing so it was easy enough to understand.  I am hopeful for them but at the same time the words "jump start" and such sounded a lot like the hope I was given with my POF diagnosis and the suggestion of doing birth control to remind my body of it's purpose and they have been trying for 6 years until this point.  I wonder if they will be successful.  Maybe we'll never know. We've basically left it with the statement that we will be waiting to consider our donation options again until this cycle ends or until a later time in a pregnancy if it is successful.  We will be looking at other couples and options once we feel confident in our decision to do so.  If time goes on and we do find ourselves at the end of their time frame still looking for a resolve with a match then we are both okay with reconnecting and completing what was put in motion and has now been halted.

It is disappointing in that I think we both really liked this couple and felt comfortable in the prospect of donating to them.  But on the other side it doesn't feel like a great loss but perhaps even a comfort in that if we do get attached to the idea of a child and this cycle isn't successful that we can still pursue another round.  Jeff laughs at me with this idea but I don't think we'll know how we feel until the results are in.  I was originally okay with moving on with our girls but now given this possibility back (and the beyond gracious funding of this cycle by my parents) it isn't completely off the table for us to try again sometime after the holidays.

I still hope beyond hope that this will just work this time and to not be disappointed but only the next couple weeks will tell.  And then the weeks to follow after that if necessary as well.

Going For Broke...

Literally.  I don't like this stage of infertility treatments.  Footing the bill.  Watching savings go down to basically zero.  This time around we asked for a preemptive loan from my parents with the intent to pay them back with our tax return.  Mainly because we didn't want to have the age gap grow and we didn't want the recipient couple to be waiting on us.  So there goes money we didn't really even have yet.  Stink.  We joke about when we are going to get to spend or save a tax return finally.  The last three (or is it four?) have gone to saving/paying for infertility treatments, a car loan and now infertility treatments again.  Not complaining.  Just the fact of how it is.  At least we are minimizing or not growing debt right?

Transfer is set for Tuesday morning though.  I had my ultrasound yesterday and things were great with a 11.3 lining and the triple stripe (always read about that being important online but never had a doctor use the term until now).  Hopefully this will all add up to a good outcome.  We will be starting shots tomorrow.  Joy.  Not looking forward to that part.  It feels like it's been sooooo long since the last one.  I'm sure it will feel old hat once we get a few days and shots behind us.  Still hoping for the full gamut also.

On another side of things in motion right now, our hopeful recipient couple situation has hit a roadblock.  They had a very unexpected chemical pregnancy and also a change of clinic policy (no more donor embryo cycles) all come down the chute at once and this has put us on their back burner while they decide what to do next.  We're kind of disappointed as it really seemed like a good match for us in personality and outlook for future connection and relationship.  We're just waiting to see what their next move is and then we'll figure out if we need to keep looking.

Let the cards fall how they may.  We are all in again at this point.

Parenting Blahs and Awwwwws...

Maybe I've been over critical of my parenting now that we are taking on the task of trying to add another one (or two) to the family.  I sometimes feel like how can I consider adding one when I can't handle the two I have.  Yesterday was that day.  I felt like a crappy parent yesterday.  I don't know if it's the stress of the cycle or the extra estrogen floating in my bloodstream but I was a cranky little beast.  My wonderful toddlers were getting into mischief left and right.  We went to a playgroup in our neighborhood and I felt hopeful in getting to know my neighbors and isolated at the same time.  It helped to get out but I didn't return home all positive either.  I did what I tend to do when I feel cranky and want a break...through on some TV and distracted myself with some computer time.  Kendall crashed on the couch and Seren laughed at cartoons.  Then they were both awake and picking on each other for laughs.  Okay more like laughs for one and tears for the other.  This is their schtick lately...taking turns tormenting each other.  Needless to say lots of time outs and apologies have happened.

This time they both ended up in time out in their room.  A few minutes later the curtains and light-weight curtain rod came crashing down.  I got mad, swatted them on the butt and left them crying while I took my own time out (I always feeling like a stinker myself when I resort to any spanking).  Afterward, I stood them side by side and gave them a stern talk.  I tried to clear up who had pulled down the curtain and if both helped.  I still wasn't happy but at least I was calm.  At the end of the little talk I noticed that they had been holding hands between them.  They owned up to making a mistake and held hands while mom gave them the run down on not pulling down curtains and goofing off.  It was a cute little moment and reminder of their innocence to see them stick together.  

And hey today has been sooooo much better.  I've held onto some positive parenting.  I've gotten hugs from front and back at the same time from both my girls.  Running hugs.  Sitting hugs and double sitting hugs.  Maybe I'm not a terrible stinker of a parent in the long haul after all.  I love my girls.  So grateful that children are so forgiving and "forgetful" of our short comings as parents. 

Checking in

We are still just plugging away at this cycle.  The days keep going by and it seems to be quickly approaching.  Only two weeks left until our transfer.  By the end of the month we will know if there is any success.  Scared?  Yep.  Nervous?  Of course.  Excited?  Well that too.

I'm still preparing myself for both sides of the coin.  I don't know how you really prepare yourself for failure though.  The words associated with a cycle of that sort pretty much say it all:  negative, big fat negative, failure, non-successful, etc.  There isn't really a happy twist to it.  You try and you either succeed or fail at the attempt.  We do still have Kendall and Seren to keep us busy and happy.  They were our saving grace the first time around and they will be again if this time doesn't work.

We used to ask Kendall and Seren if they wanted to have a baby in the house.  They are almost 3 and little girls so of course they love babies (mostly their own).  They were undecided and we had our laughs at their little arguments to agree.  We asked them again when we decided to try whether they would want a brother or a sister.  The vote was split on this one also...Seren for a sister and Kendall for a brother (I hope they don't both get their wish).  But now that we are in cycle we don't mention or ask much.  I would love for them to have another sibling.  A lot of my desire for trying again stemmed from this idea of them having a little brother or sister.  Now we just have to wait and see.

Needles...

The wheels are turning so quickly now it seems surreal.  The pharmacy for our clinic sent the progesterone in oil and needles today.  I have to say when I opened the box my stomach made the same familiar drop that it did 3 1/2 years ago.  The site of needles (lots of needles) is the reckoning point for me every time.  This time I remember (although somewhat vaguely) the lack of fun that is shots.  Jeff says that he hated this part and was afraid last time of doing it wrong.  I am feeling a little more wary this time probably due to a lack of blood tests and needles in my skin for a while.  At least we know all the tricks to doing shots this time around.

I am starting to find my stride though and trying to keep focused on the positive possibility.  My mind does remind me of the very real chance of it not working though.  We've been so lucky and didn't have to experience a failed cycle.  I worry about the feelings that might come with that.  I know it's devastating for so many and I wish it never had to be the case, especially  with infertility.  Maybe it's our turn to be on the other side of that fence though.  I do feel grateful for our girls every time I think of that.  I don't truly fear a failed cycle yet (I'm sure I will) because we would still have these great kids.  Sometimes I even feel selfish for wanting another chance instead of donating all of the embryos to the other couple.

We would love to add one more to our family but only time will tell on that.  We have only shared with our parents this time that we are trying another cycle.  There are more sensitivities this time around with close friends recently going through a second trimester loss and Jeff's sister and brother-in-law being amid infertility struggles themselves.  Sometimes I think it is hard to be excited when you know the hurt going on for others at the same time.  Just a balance of hope for them and for yourself.  Here's hoping...for us all.

The Fast Track...

We went in for my sonohystogram yesterday and received our calendar for this cycle this morning...there were some questions the nurse wanted to clarify with Dr H once I told her I didn't need to take the Lupron. One thing can be said for POF/POI, it doesn't slow you down when it comes to frozen cycles.  I had been expecting the typical calendar of approximately a month before transfer.  We had said we'd like to just move forward as soon as possible and the nurse originally gave us a tentative time frame of the week of November 4th transfer.  This was fine by me.  Time to get ready.  Time to comprehend and let it all really settle into my brain.  But low and behold Dr H told our nurse that due to my ovaries sitting on the sidelines already for this game that I didn't need to do Lupron (knew that) and also didn't need to manipulate my cycle with birth control (good job ovaries).

We were given the option to start Estrace and a cycle immediately or postpone a little if we had our hearts set on Dr H doing the transfer.  I was pretty tempted to postpone out until November 4th but after checking my calendar realized that I have a boutique show scheduled that week with a friend.  So since there is no harm, no foul in having another doctor do the transfer we are going ahead with the earlier transfer the week of October 14th.  Barely two weeks away.  The nerves are starting to kick in.  Ready or not the clock is ticking.

Watching My Words...

Mostly I've been watching my words come right back out of Kendall and Seren's mouths.  So far no cuss words that I know of  *wiping sweat off my brow*.  But Seren will often tell Kendall "calm down Kendall".  I'm sure I use this phrase a lot with Kendall during her little tantrums and melt downs.

They both often say "Oh my" or "Good night" (my car language modified for bad drivers around them haha).  Also Kendall has taken to correcting me a lot.  She will play kitchen/cook with me and if I only say "yes" when she asks if I want more then she will say "mom...yes please" to correct me.  It cracks me up.  I guess at least they are learning manners.

Also today we went for a treat at Wendy's and were going to hit the drive-thru when Kendall saw the tables with umbrellas outside.  She kept saying "mom I want to eat outside" and once we parked I asked if they wanted to eat outside at home instead.  Seren immediately says "no mom eat here...sorry" emphasizing the sorry.  I actually heard myself in this sorry completely.  I take it I must say something like that quite a bit also.  It made me laugh but they got their way.

Cute little stinkers!

All or Nothing

That would seem to be the theme of today's appointment to discuss a frozen cycle.  Dr H did our transfer with our first cycle that resulted in Kendall and Seren.  Since our other doctor has retired since our last care we decided that we would like to proceed with Dr H.  Also we just like him more and find him very competent.  Anyway just a side note there.

The main note of course is that a) we can proceed whenever we like due to me being on birth control / hormone replacement and not needing Lupron (yeah for POF).  b) he doesn't advise transferring only one embryo during a frozen cycle.  c) of the 40% that get pregnant as a result of frozen embryo transfers 1/3 of those end up with a twin pregnancy.  So it would seem that this is really all or nothing.  To be honest the idea of it scared me at the appointment.  I was ready to balk and back out unless it was a single.  Yes we made it through twins once but the idea of doing it again with two already in tow was pretty darn terrifying to me.  Jeff seemed more to take it in stride.  Dr H asked "if you were to have twins again would it be the end of the world?" and I thought Jeff would be the first to say "yeah we're not going to do that" but he was just honest that it was hard but we could do it again if it came to that.

Now that Jeff and I have had a discussion about the chance it doesn't seem as daunting.  First of all, the chance of pregnancy with a frozen transfer is still around 40% (not stellar) and second of all if that 40% happens the chance of twins is only 33% or less.  So the combined likelihood (according to Jeff's calculation) is about a 13% chance of twins again.  I can live with that.  Will I be shaking in my boots if the result comes down the line that we might have two sets of twins in our home...yes, yes I probably will be.  But for now I feel good about giving it a chance still.

We are waiting to hear back on some matters from our hopeful donation couple and then we will begin moving forward with this little adventure.

Random Update (32 months)

Favorite Things:  Yo Gabba Gabba (especially Seren loves this), Kendall is obsessed with LMFAO's Party Rock song and music video (she's starting to sing parts of it out of the blue), they both love their blankets (Kendall especially does).  They love to take bubble baths in our jetted tub.  They also love to go on "hikes"...Jeff has taken them a time or two and I've gone with them also.  We just go to dirt trails and walk around.  Books:  Seren loves Jack and The Beanstalk (Fee Fo Fum she calls it) and Kendall likes the mini-books that Grandma D gave them a while ago.  The both like Giggle, Giggle, Quack by Doreen Cronin also so we're trying new stuff at the library from her this week.

Dislikes:   They fight over toys more lately and have taken to pushing each other at times, followed by time outs.  Kendall still has rough mornings and wants to be held during breakfast, but usually you can hold her a couple minutes and transition her to her own seat again.  She is very sensitive emotionally at times (and completely normal at others).  I am trying to read a parenting book on sensitive kids for suggestions even though she doesn't completely fit the profile.  Also our pediatrician has recommended giving her some protein rich foods before bed to level her blood sugars.

Favorite Foods:  Recently they can't get enough of apples and any fruit.  They liked broccoli the last time we ate it (YEAH!!).  Seren loves cottage cheese and "nug nugs" (what Jeff got them calling chicken nuggets).

Favorite Toys:  Doll strollers and their pink and purple babies that wave their arms around, puzzles and books, blocks.  And of course the park or playground.  We also side walk chalk quite a  bit.  They don't like sprinklers or such. 

Their Accomplishments:  They are potty trained (with the exception of nap and bedtime...although they are often dry when waking up from those).  Their language has continued progressing like crazy.  They jump, dance, hold hands and do well.  We usually get out of the house without a stroller lately which is awesome.  We're still usually using carts but for short trips they walk on their own. 

Teeth:  All of their teeth are in.  I think Seren may be missing one molar so we'll see if it shows up.  I need to set up a dental appointment still. 

Our Accomplishments:  We made it through our road trip to Grandparents B with somewhat ease.  We have made it through potty training twins.  

Sleep:  They sleep about 11-12 hours a night.  They usually get a 2 hour nap in the afternoon but sometimes they skip it. 

Looking forward to:  Fall...cooler weather so we can get out more in comfort.  Hoping that Jeff can find a different full time job so he can begin working with his financial/investment job (it's a conflict of interest for him to pursue it with his current job since he does audits).  Hoping also that this would mean not working his part-time job anymore either.  Looking forward to finding out more about the possibility of doing a frozen transfer and also of moving forward with donating the remaining embryos.

Favorite memories:  Their interactions...laughing, chatting, playing together, etc.  Last night they were up to mischief and they did a "shhhhhh" with their finger at us and then ran off down the hall giggling (they were off to get leftover bubbles out of the bath to play with...headed them off at the pass).  

Matching and Moving Forward...

Well as I've posted before we have been looking for a couple to pass on our remaining embryos to.  We like to think that we have found a good match for ourselves and for the possible children.  I won't go into specifics but they are a couple close to our age with a child and have been trying for a long time to have a sibling(s) without success.  We have similar beliefs on how to handle a relationship between ourselves and the children involved, maintaining contact and personal space as well.  We are excited about things with this going forward.

It has also made our own plans start rolling.  We have been in debate over any other children for at least the past year.  We have decided that we would like to give it one more try with a frozen embryo prior to donating.  This was stipulated with the couple we are donating to.  I think Jeff and I both feel good about this decision.  I know that I am both excited and anxious at the thought of how things may or may not turn out.  We don't want to pursue more than one more cycle and we are willing to accept the possibility it very easily could turn out negative.  If this is the case we will move on with our two beloved daughters and consider ourselves just as blessed.  Whatever the case may be I know that for me it has been like a burden of stress and responsibility is lifted to have both decisions being made.  Now if I can just wrap my head and heart around the idea of both possibilities.

Sharing...

I love a lot of things about Kendall and Seren.  What I love to watch most lately is how they take notice and share with each other (and sometimes other kids).  I gave both girls apple juice with dinner and of course Seren downed hers pretty quickly.  Kendall finished eating and noticed that Seren's glass was empty.  She pointed it out to me and then grabbed her own glass and dumped all of her apple juice into Seren's cup.  I asked if she wanted Seren to drink all of her apple juice and she said yes.  So I asked if Seren (who had left the table) wanted to drink Kendall's apple juice.  Her little legs couldn't carry her fast enough.  She drank a bit and I suggested she share some with Kendall.  The two them enjoyed the rest of the apple juice together.

Seren is a little less likely to share her food but she's quick to grab Kendall's favorite blanket when she's upset or to bring Kendall's doll when she goes to fetch her own from their room.  I love how Seren will tilt her head when she looks at you and then ask "more?" and if you say "yes, more please" she will come running to give you more hugs, back scratches or pretend Mac&Cheese.

They've gotten so good at comforting each other that they now are often the first ones to try and offer comfort to other children.  I work in the nursery at our church on Sunday (kids 18 months to 3 years playing and little lessons while adults have class).  Kendall and Seren are both in there as well.  I remember one incident when a boy was upset that another child took the toy he wanted and Kendall offered him the toy she had.  The boy took the toy and threw it on the floor.  Poor Kendall was so upset that she came crying to me.  We had the boy say sorry but she was really heartbroken to have her help turned away.

Sweet girls and sweet memories.

Women Can't Win...

It's been three days since I heard the comments from my father-in-law.  They didn't sound like they were meant to hurt but they bothered me.

You see we decided at our house that we should be trying to pay off debt quicker.  First the credit card debt which isn't that high compared to many Americans.  And then focus on the student loan debts.  Finally paying off a car loan we received from Jeff's parents.  Jeff and I both looked for jobs we could do during the swing shift and hours that the other could watch the girls.  Jeff applied for a couple, one in a different division of the state job he has.  I applied for one at the hospital I worked at before the girls were born.  Jeff was a better catch I guess and got the second job he applied for.  So we've been working long shifts.  Jeff leaves for work Monday through Thursday at 8 am and doesn't return until 9:30 pm.  I am with Kendall and Seren on those four days all day long without a break.  On Fridays he is home at his usual time but Saturdays half of the day is taken by this part time job again.  It's not really fun for either of us.  The girls rarely see their dad four days out of the week.  I think Jeff has the harder end of it all but I don't consider my piece to be all that easy either.  Tantrums, potty training, breaking up two-year-old fights, typically no grown-up interaction...not exactly a cake walk.

But when the news of Jeff taking on another job gets brought up after our Sunday dinner at his parents, after the general information gathering ends, I get some sideways comment from Jeff's dad about how "Michelle's ventures in making some extra money weren't paying off enough huh?" (I recently did a craft show with a friend and then we also held a yard sale together to get rid of some junk).  Then some other remarks about how I went back to school for medical office work and coding and wasn't I still pursuing that or if that was a possibility to do at home.

I went back to school after crazy enormous stress with social work and knowing I needed something to fall back on if heaven forbid our infertility treatments didn't work.  Jeff and I wanted me to stay home with any children until they were in school.  This was the plan even when I was in school and working two part time jobs and pregnant with twins (yep I know what work is...thanks).  But nope I wasn't actively pursuing it.  I actually sat on my duff and ate bon-bons while I forced Jeff to go get another job.  Blah!  It was Jeff's idea to get a second job and we both tried to apply.  Maybe I'm not as marketable...sorry!

My father-in-law has two son-in-laws who both work an extra job also to make ends meet or to pay off debt (worse than ours I might add).  I don't hear any fun being poked at his one daughter for being home with the kids though or the other daughter with no children yet for working a part-time job while her husband works two jobs.  Maybe that's just my perception and granted I'm not around to hear things said to them but I kind of doubt they are.  Like I said...I just keep replaying those comments in my head and it just rubs me the wrong way over and over.  Time to drop it out of my mind and move on I guess.

Honestly though women just can't win in general. You stay home with your kids and you're considered uneducated or lazy or unmotivated.  You send your kids to daycare and go to work you're looked at as a poor mother or someone with their priorities all wrong.  It's ridiculous.  Why can't anyone just champion women taking care of their children with no regard or judgement as to what they do during the day.  If the kids are growing and developing, fed and clothed, and have a great bond with their parent(s) then who cares...obviously their kids are okay with it.

So I'll say it.  No matter the way you live your day or night you are making an amazing mother (or will/would make an amazing mother).  You are doing more than enough to pull your part of the weight whether your are home or away.  You are enough and so much more.

*I hope this isn't offensive to Jeff.  I do love my father-in-law and he is a great man with many more good qualities than shortcomings.  I just want to get it off my chest and out there.

Florida Trip

We had such a great time with my parents and sister in Florida.  The girls were so excited to be with Grandma and Grandpa and have attention galore.  They loved the ocean this time.  They loved the beach.  They loved the critters.  It was perfect.  We were so sad to go home.  Can't wait to see them again...hopefully for Christmas.  Pretty much a picture post.

The car ride down.  33 hours of driving time...

...surrounded by toys and fun stuff (they were troopers)

Grandpa B helping the girls pet a little lizzard

Cute shirts from Grandma B...funny enough they matched shoes we brought

Enjoying an evening on the beach

Glass bottom boat ride...heat and humidity to boot

Seren styling a up-do to keep cool

Playing at the beach

Miss Kendall

Miss Seren

Sitting on Grandpa's dock...they thought about fishing but quickly went inside when it warmed up

Posing for a picture

They loved Grandma and Grandpa

St Louis Arch - in the capsule to go up