Beta Bets

First beta at 10dp5dt was 303.  Second beta was today 12dp5dt and came in at 723. So a little more than doubling within 48 hours.  We are still hoping for a single even though numbers are on the border for twins (Jeff says they are leaning towards two in his paranoia haha).  Ultrasound is a little over two weeks away.  Anyone want to take bets? or ease anxiety? (or cause some ;) haha)

Not Feeling It...

I'm good at keeping secrets.  I really am.  So I hope Jeff will let this one slide since the only real life family or friends that read this is my parents.  And since they now know I figure it's only fair to let my online support group in on it too.  So far so good.  According to a few different home pregnancy tests everything was successful.  I am pregnant.  And I definitely am not feeling it so every one of those tests is like "really?" "are you sure?" for me.  I have a little bloat and I'm typically cold all the time but nothing else is new.  I didn't feel very different with the girls either so I guess I shouldn't expect much.  And honestly I hope it goes down the road I had with them...easy pregnancy with no morning sickness, no blood pressure problems, etc.

How pregnant?  Well I dared to test 4 days post transfer and it came up a few minutes later...so we're a little worried about it being more than one.  Only time will tell.  Also, we should have beta results tomorrow (two days earlier than planned).  Since my hives came back the nurse wants to check my hind side and clear me to keep using this oil prescription.  Honestly I'm not sure I'll have hives to report.  I seem to be back in the clear with the new leave the needle in, quickly take it out and wipe area down with an alcohol swab method.  But am I going to pass up an earlier test?  Heck no. So yeah!! for now.

Out of Our Hands...

Well Jeff is off with the girls at an indoor playground and I'm laying around on the couch kind of wishing I'd fall asleep. But with no such luck I decided to update here.

We thawed four embryos and three survived. One was given very poor odds but we were given the choice to transfer all three if we really wanted to based on that. Still given a rough ball park of 10% chance of triplets we opted not too (maybe that number was just to scare us out of it haha).  Dr H told us if this cycle was unsuccessful and we had three survive next time as well that he might recommend doing all three. But we decided to transfer the remaining two which were rated fair and poor. Both had assisted hatching done with the thaw. We were given a 40% chance ballpark estimate.  Much more realistic than the last FET which was nice to not have hopes unrealistically high.  Also not sure if our other efforts are factored into hopeful success... I hope not.  I am hopeful/wishful that it's a slightly higher chance with those involved.  Anyway transfer was fine and now we just wait.  Ughhh the dreaded wait.

Anybody with assisted hatching success stories or information?? I'm reading both sides of the coin that it can be good or bad.  I wasn't expecting it to be done so just been reading up a little.

What I'm Doing Different...

They always tell you going into transfer to not do anything that you will look back and regret doing if the cycle doesn't work.  I usually live by that rule.  That and the first two days being really mellow.  The failed cycle I felt so sure on and so not worried about things that by late the day after transfer or maybe the next day I went to the grocery store for a few snacks and just to get off my butt.  I definitely don't blame those things but I wouldn't do that again.  I had the good twinges and assurance when I went and after I got home.  It wasn't until the hives happened that everything felt wrong and like nothing was going on.

Which, side note, no hives yet.  We're only down one shot but it left no marks or lumps or irritation.  Hoping it stays this way.  The sesame oil shots last time didn't cause hives for the first nearly-week.  I think I remember getting slight lumps before transfer from them but I just assumed it was due to the bigger dose (I can't remember what our dose was on the PIO the first cycle though).  Anyway, for this cycle the olive oil was compounded at a local pharmacy so the concentration of progesterone is higher, therefore we only have to do 1 ml doses.  Yeah!  I hope between it being olive oil and a smaller physical dose that reactions will be none or at least minimal.

But I still plan to sit on my butt for 3 days.  I don't want to take any small chance.  I won't be downing gatorade or water like a mad woman as I read that this is mostly advised for fresh IVF cycles to avoid ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS).  I plan to still eat some pineapple because #1 I love fresh pineapple and #2 What I remember reading on this is that it has more to do with the lining or something.  So why not?  But mostly the plan just revolves around trusting the new medication regimen, possibly probably putting two embryos back this time (if we have them) and just taking it really easy.

This has led to a frenzy of house cleaning and laundry doing prior to Tuesday.  I will not do laundry or cleaning or anything of that sort on transfer day or the two days after.  I plan to have PB sandwiches and premade type lunches and lots of TV time with my girls and basically be a bum.  Jeff is of course fine with this and encourages it.

Anyway on with the show.  I'll post a short update the day of transfer but other than that I'm hoping to stay away from the computer and Dr Google for the next two weeks.  Thanks for all the support.

Popping Pills...

This cycle isn't all that different but I've been trying to keep track of all the pills I'm supposed to pop and when.  Seriously?  How do people ever keep it straight when it comes to more complicated stuff?  I have my regular thyroid medicine, my estrogen (2 or 3 times a day depending on the week), the steroids/prednisone (anti-auto immune), the doxycycline, the PIO shots, plus low-dose aspirin that I decided to throw in on my own after reading and research.  Oh and my prenatal vitamins...can't forget those.  Luckily the steroids and doxy will only be with me for five days and two days respectively but still.  It's become quite the list.

I will have my lining check ultrasound tomorrow and most likely the transfer will be a week from tomorrow.  We traded out the sesame seed oil for olive oil and boy do I hope that does the trick with the progesterone shots.  If I have hives and everything again I'm going to be one nervous lady.  I don't want to be switching between medication to find one that works.  So if the cycle works and the hives happen but my levels are fine I may just have to itch and deal.

I still don't have high hopes on this working.  Maybe I'll feel a little more optimistic once they thaw and transfer is complete.  I hope that we have at least a couple decent looking embryos but who knows.  Logically I don't know if I really want to do another cycle but emotionally I don't know if I could let it go if this one doesn't work.  We would only have one more shot after this.  So yah I probably couldn't let go of that "last chance".  I guess I shouldn't even look that far ahead and just focus on this one and the possibility of positive results.  We have a few things working on our side this time.  The biopsy that is supposed to increase chances of implantation and the prednisone that might be able to tell my immune system to "back the hell off" being the two biggest ones.  If it weren't for that change in our protocol I'm not sure I'd give it any better hope than the last one.  Nothing to do but pop pills, stab needles, keep going and wait it out.

New Year and New Cycle

My parents headed back home early this morning.  Our family had a New Years day meal together and enjoyed each other's company before saying our goodbyes.  The girls, Jeff and I said our goodbyes before heading to bed.  In the morning I heard Seren get up and talking to herself go into our guest room.  She stayed there for a minute or two and then wandered toward our room.  I called her in and she asked about Grandma B and Grandpa B.  I told her they had to go home and she pouted got upset a little.  I told her that we would see them again soon and she got upset and said "not soon...right now".  She was a sad little girl and I was sad too not being able to make it how she wanted.  Kendall slept in this morning and also was upset to learn they weren't here anymore.  I usually cry at my parents departing but this morning it was tears at the sight of my sweet girls being so disappointed.  We are hoping they will be able to move back close to their kids and grandkids soon (this year maybe...crossing fingers) if they can find a house they like.

As to matters regarding cycle, I hope that the new year means new changes.  I started the FET cycle on January 1st out of luck and my body's independence to do what it wants (I had one pill of provera left).  So we are basically on track for a transfer the week of January 20th.  I called the IVF nurses and set it up today.  I always find it interesting how I don't fall into the norm for even an IVF procedure.  I skip the birth control week(s).  I don't remember and have never dealt with "cycle day __?" so those questions always throw me off.  It usually ends up with me on hold while they clarify that it is indeed done this way.  I'm nervous.  I'm hopeful.  Definitely not high hopes this time though.  We went to the biopsy appointment (which wasn't that bad) and discussed the thawing of both straws and letting them try to grow but were told it wasn't necessarily beneficial and that history at the clinic and morulas would indicate that best odds if financially possible would be to thaw them one at a time.  The topic of transferring 3 was not really on the table this time.  I think Dr H has a memory or eye for the quality and forgets that those are not left.  So we'll see what advice is given on transfer day.  I am set up to transfer the week that he is on the schedule so that is good...how we would like it be so we get his advice at the last decision and not someone unfamiliar with our specifics and case.

Holidays and Hopes...

We have been having a wonderful holiday season.  We have been busy with my parents and the girls have been soaking their time together which I love.  They get so excited to get in the car and go see Grandma and Grandpa at my siblings homes.  I can only imagine their excitement when it's our turn to have them as guests.

I am scheduled for the endometrial biopsy on Friday.  They had availability today but I opted to do it after Christmas.  I'm a little more nervous for this one as I know it can't be comfortable and I've only been instructed to take about 800 mg of Ibuprophen before hand.  I hope there isn't too much to it.  I hope that it does the job in increasing our odds of success, which is our reason for having it done.

I had a dream the other night that we went in for a transfer and our RE told us that the embryos were some of the worst quality they ever transfer and that it might not even be worth it at this point to try.  I don't believe in dreams telling the future but more of just an escape for your mind and expressing subconscious or conscious thoughts.  I know I've thought about it more and worried more.  I've considered the idea of thawing both straws and seeing which ones make it and which seem to be growing the strongest...if they would allow us to do something like that.  I worry letting them thaw and try to grow would cause them all to not make it though.  We haven't talked about it with our RE either so it's a question to address at Friday's appointment.  I also hate the idea of thawing both if that means wasting some or throwing a second chance out the window.  But then I stress at the idea of money also.  Although I'd rather live with and pay a little debt then feel like the wrong decision was made.  We are tentatively set for a transfer the week of January 22nd.  I'm definitely beyond more cautious about the idea of it now.

But in the meantime I am excitedly awaiting Christmas with our girls.  I have a big project from Santa to still finish tonight when they go to bed but I love it and they will love it I'm sure.  Excited to do some fun last minute baked goodies with the girls (yep I need to join procrastinators anonymous).  And quickly following Christmas will be Kendall and Seren's 3rd birthday on Saturday.  Our busy and over scheduled time of the year for sure but what a blessing.

I hope all of your projects and shopping is done (unlike mine) and I will get around to another post in the new year.

Prep Work...

We have been prepping for the holidays (a little).  I'm very much a Thanksgiving comes before Christmas kind of gal.  But seeing as how it usually snows or gets icy before Thanksgiving in my great state we took after our neighbors cue and put lights up on the roof last weekend.  We were going to finish this weekend but weather today disagrees.  The girls loved the lights though for the few minutes they saw them.  Jeff was up on the roof and I brought them out to watch him.  Seren kept yelling very sternly "Daddy get off my house.  Get down right now" and Kendall would say "Daddy what you doing?" but generally was looking at other things outside and trying to find the moon (she loves spotting the moon).  We turned on the lights for a few minutes to see how they looked.  The girls ooh'd and awe'd like we had paid them.  They were so excited and have continually asked to turn them on again ever since.  Makes me excited for the holidays though.  They are going to love it this year.

Aside from the holidays we're also doing a bit of prep work for the upcoming cycle in January.  I have a hysteroscope scheduled for next Friday.  Not really looking forward to that but at least insurance should be covering everything except for the co-pay.  It seems kind of pointless to go through with this when Dr H says the likelihood of issues (polyps, scarring, etc) being detected is very low.  But when insurance will cover it then it certainly doesn't hurt either.

I'm not even sure what the next step in our plan will be after that.  I know we'll do the pseudo biopsy on the menstrual cycle before the FET cycle.  But I don't know if that's planned for January or December.  I'm not sure if I'll be with it enough to ask when I see Dr H next...something to let Jeff ask maybe.  I wish I could say we're hopeful.  I'm not sure we really are.  We still mention thoughts of another child and changes with rooms and cars we'd need to make if it worked but in general I think the air has been knocked out of our sails and realism has set in.  Odds based before any thawing are pretty low (around 17-25% with morula cycles).  We do have two early blast mixed in somewhere but that's it out of the eight remaining.  I hope it will work.  I don't know that I have the heart to believe it will though.

Follow-Up and Future...

We had our follow up with Dr H yesterday.  He talked about our FET transfer and he told us that the quality on the blasts that thawed were rated as "fair" but we were likely given the higher odds by the transferring doctor due to the embryos hatching.  He said something to the effect of he probably would have looked at both quality and hatching and maybe more weight should have been put on the "fair" rating.  Thanks.  That information would have been useful to us at the time not now morons.  Makes me so mad to know we should have been advised to transfer both instead of given such high odds based on one little bit of information and not the whole picture.

The rest of the appointment had it's positives and it's negatives.  The positive we came away with was that Dr H is willing to do some treatment for the autoimmune possibility (high dose steroids in the short term for 5-days and heparin or baby aspirin) and that insurance should cover the two tests he wants us to do (hysteroscopy and uterine biopsy).  The uterine biopsy is more for the purpose of raising odds of implantation than for finding an autoimmune cause.

However the negative we came away with is that the quality of embryos left isn't that stellar.  Dr H seemed pretty darn positive and then I reminded him that I didn't think we had any blastocysts left and so he reviewed the embryology report and some doubt crept in to even his positive outlook.  He talked about how they don't even freeze morulas on day 5 anymore (they wait til day six and if they haven't developed more they discard them).  In our understanding we have:  two EB3, two M2 cav, one M2- cav, one M3 cav and two M2 left.  He looked over the report and pointed out blasts and said he still thinks there is hope for one or two good viable chances at a live birth.  Again we were reminded that they didn't know what was frozen together.  Seriously that irks me and makes me so mad every time they say that.  How can you not know? or make a note?

Then he talked about doing one cycle and thawing everything and looking for the very best or doing two cycles and thawing one straw at a time.  We have two straws with 4 embryos in each remaining still.  When he talked about thawing both straws for one cycle I knew he didn't think our odds were that great.  He did end up recommending splitting it into two cycles if we could afford to because he felt it was a better chance still.  Then he started asking about the possibility of three out of four surviving a thaw and what we would do or how we would feel about transferring three.  Yep my "crappy odds" radar went off again.  I asked him how often they consider transferring three in situations with morulas and he said that each doctor considers it depending on circumstances and in this case it would likely be considered if we wanted to.  My hopes were down on the floor at this point.  I didn't cry.  I wanted to but I held it in.  Dr H tried to pick up the tone and hopes again by saying he was still very optimistic about this still working for us.  It helped but not very much.

He sent off a request to schedule the hysteroscopy in a few weeks.  He said we could do the scope and biopsy together but thought it might be beneficial with timing (in case there were something to correct found with the scope) to do them separately.  He mentally tried to figure out a possible timing for us...asking about my cycles and bum ovaries.  Once again I guess it pays to not have your ovaries running interference on things...they can schedule the scope without much timing and move forward pretty easily.  Then he said it might be tight to squeeze in a transfer before the clinic closed for the holidays.  I said that was fine and I didn't want to go through a cycle during the holidays or have another disappointment during that time anyway.  Wahoo for Miss Positive here huh?  So at any rate we are looking to have everything line up for a January cycle at this point.

Now we just have to consider the possibilities of one cycle vs two and whether we want to take the risk (if given and no matter how slim) of having twins or even triplets.  What a mess.  I don't really have much hope of this working anymore.  But I don't know how to not try still.  In some ways I just wish I had never crawled out of my cute babies and fun toddlers pleasant little cocoon to desire any more.