Worries...

I am just feeling worried about things right now. I'm worried about my job...or lack thereof. I know that quitting DCFS was the right thing to do but I'm stressed that I don't have a concrete plan of attack now. I'm worried about money...money to get by, money to save and money that is in savings and if it will be able to stay there. I realize I'm just getting discouraged and I know it'll be okay and better in the long run.

We also have an appointment with the egg donor specialist on Monday. We aren't planning to pursue anything anytime soon but we want to get a better idea of what we are getting into. I'm not sure how I will take the appointment. I don't think I've had a doctor's appointment regarding POF that I haven't cried at. I want to know what to expect and I want to be excited about all of these things but I'm just really nervous too.

Seemingly normal

I stopped taking my HRT (hormone replacement) a couple weeks ago. I had some issues with breakthrough periods...most likely from not replacing patches and forgetting them because of how stressed I've been lately. I decided to stop taking the HRT for a while and get a fresh start in a month or so. I also don't know what I will do with HRT since I will be quitting my job next week and insurance will be an issue.

The thing that bothers me is that I feel fine still. Most women with POF go off of HRT and they start feeling like crap and having hot flashes and such. I didn't have signs when POF struck me (besides missing periods) and I don't seem to be having issues now. My joints are a little more achey but I don't know if that's a symptom or just a random thing. It just is irritating...I almost wish I felt more crappy off of HRT because I feel like then it would be more concrete that something is wrong with my body. But instead on the outside I am seemingly normal...despite having mixed up and menopausal level hormones going on inside my body.

Officially infertile

So by medical definition you aren't considered infertile until you haven't gotten pregnant after a year without protection or birth control. We've officially hit that mark now. It was about this time last year that we met up with the reproductive endocrinologist (RE) and I refused to stay on birth control. Dr. Gibson wanted me to just stay on birth control as a form of hormone replacement and, in my opinion, so I didn't hang onto the slim chance of hope I had at the time. It took some arguing and explaining how I felt to convince him but here I am today with no such luck anyway. But despite not being one of the 5-8% with POF who get pregnant (yet) without assistance I am glad that I didn't shut the door on that chance because I would feel worse knowing I might have prevented that chance. I don't see it happening anymore so much...don't really worry about it and don't take pregnancy tests when things don't happen with HRT the way they are supposed to.

We're about 1/2 way to our goal of savings though so that is good. I still wonder and worry if it will actually work. Honestly it will work, something will work, eventually...we just don't know when. I still don't even know that I want to have kids really...I mean at least right now...so that's a good thing too I suppose. I was watching Maury today (haha yah I know) and it was one of those lame episodes of testing to see who the father is. I had this weird thought that even if I get pregnant with a donor egg and have a baby that Maury could run one of these tests and I wouldn't come up as the mother. I mean I know that doesn't matter and I know it will be my baby just the same but it was just a weird thought. I guess when we have the funds then we can start looking forward to having kids and we can work out all of the little details.

Despite my complaints...

I have little to really truly complain about despite that I do complain. I suppose I've been thinking this due to amount of complaining that I read on infertility boards that I belong to. I already feel or know that I can't change my situation so why be bitter or begrudge people who aren't faced with infertility. Yes I still hold ill feelings toward the women who abuse or neglect their children and I even have moments when I think that parents who have their kids repeatedly taken away and parental right terminated should be sterilized. Perhaps that is another part of the reason why I am quitting my job (I work child protective services and see the worst of parents). But in the end complaining doesn't solve my situation. The only thing that solves my situation is to make the best of it. That's what we're doing. Jeff and I make the best of what we have and I think we do a fine job of it. I am grateful for a strong marriage and a good husband.

I don't enjoy reading or hearing of how women with infertility feel it's injustice that a unmarried girl got pregnant or a woman with one child already that can't keep an immaculate house doesn't deserve to have another. These women didn't get pregnant to spite you. It's just how the cards fell. I'm sure there are many things that we just don't understand in this life. But I really don't think that focusing on another's blessings will help us to realize our own. To realize our own blessings we have to keep our focus inward and our faith upward. I hope that I can do that.

All the small things

I was just thinking how a lot of things I do and think about or decide on come back to this POF journey that Jeff and I are now on and the chance at having a family someday. I hate my job right now and I'm on the border of quitting. I get discouraged at the thought though because I think how will we save more money for donor IVF or adoption if I'm making less money. But then I think of how it can't be healthy for my body to be under this kind of stress all the time. The doctors have never been able to determine the cause of my ovarian failure was autoimmune but I have a feeling that it is and stress just makes autoimmune things worse generally.

I wonder what it would be like to just have kids the "old fashioned" way also. To just picture these future kids that are like both Jeff and I. To not have to save thousands of dollars for the chance at having kids. What would it be like? I don't ever think of having kids that will look like me. A friend made a comment about how Jeff and I wouldn't be able to have short kids if we tried (since we're both over 6 feet tall) and I just bit my tongue and rolled my eyes since he's aware of the ovarian failure and donor egg stuff. I mean who knows what the other half of this kid could be like. I don't play a genetic role in that at all. I know that people just don't understand what that means but it frustrates me still.

Then I have a friend who works for LDS Family Services with birthparents and adoption. I asked her about openings and applied but then I started thinking...how would I be in that capacity? Would I help or hurt the situation? Would it be beneficial or hurtful to me? I started reading stories on her blog the other day and just felt tearful and depressed. I don't see how I could find this a less stressful option then I'm already in. Social work, or at least the options I work with or used to consider a good match, just don't fit me anymore. All because of this new outlook and position I'm in. Nothing seems to be going right anymore.

Support Groups

I was just thinking today how grateful I am for support groups. I never really saw myself belonging to one. But then POF came along and I felt I had no where to turn and absolutely no one who knew what it felt like to have this happen. When I found the POF support group online I didn't feel like such a freak of nature anymore. And honestly the ability to know I wasn't alone and have others to relate is what really made me start coming out of the depression I'd fallen into and start getting back to living my life. I've met some wonderful women through that site and gained support from a network that wouldn't be possible if it weren't for modern technology and the internet.

In my patriarchal blessing through the LDS church it says something about how I will be blessed by the time and age of technology that I am born into. I haven't really thought about that a lot before until now but I am blessed by having modern technology, modern medicine and advances in these areas. And because of this I can still make the choice to pursue having children that will be nourished by my body and be part of me even if not biologically, despite POF. I guess that's why I can't believe that donor egg invitro is wrong. I believe in adoption just as whole heartedly but I also believe I was born at this time so that I could have the choice.

For unto US a child is born...

This is a thought from Krista Oakes who wrote a book on infertility from an LDS perspective. The thought came from a message board that I follow sometimes. Anyway it just really lifted my spirits this season and I wanted to leave it here for others to enjoy also:

Christmas is all about a baby who was born under normally impossible conditions. Mary was a virgin and as such had a 0% chance of conceiving naturally. But God had a plan, and the miracle happened. The baby we celebrate at Christmas is our Savior, who lived and took upon himself all that we must bear in this life. He triumphed over it all. He is the great source of hope for us, no matter our circumstance. As the scriptures say, "for unto US a child is born." He was born for all of us, and I am happy to celebrate his coming into the world. There are so many things that can distract us from that reality of Christmas, but if we keep our eye on the Savior it is a joyous time of year.

I also love the Christmas story, because it tells us of another baby who was born -- this time to Elisabeth, who was post-menopausal. You've heard me talk about their story before. She and her husband Zacharias were righteous temple workers who lived in a culture that considered fertility to be a sign of God's favor. We can relate to their frustration, as they surely wondered why their prayers for a child went unanswered. I can imagine their despair when Elisabeth reached menopause. And then - finally - their son John was born, in another miracle that fulfilled a specific purpose at a specific time. I love hearing these reminders that children come when and how they are supposed to, regardless of the obstacles that would make it otherwise impossible. With God, nothing is impossible.

We are blessed and we are loved -- all of us are. We may have righteous desires that are unfulfilled, and our longing is evidence of our righteousness. But we can rejoice in the child who was born "unto us" more than two millennia ago. Because of him we have so much to be grateful for, and so much to look forward to. Today's pains will ultimately be swallowed up in mercy and joy as we come unto him. I know this to be true, and I am so thankful for that knowledge